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# 2018-07-13 - Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
Feelings Wheel
# Chapter 1, Giving From The Heart
The use of NVC does not require that the persons with whom we are
communicating be literate in NVC or even motivated to relate to us
compassionately. If we stay with the principles of NVC, motivated
solely to give and receive compassionately and do everything we can
to let others know this is our only motive, they will join us in the
process and eventually we will be able to respond compassionately to
one another.
Four components of NVC:
* Observation
* Feeling
* Needs
* Request
Two parts of NVC:
* Expressing honestly through the four components
* Receiving empathetically through the four components
The essence of NVC is to be found in our consciousness of these four
components, not in the actual words that are exchanged.
# Chapter 2, Communication That Blocks Compassion
Life-alienating communication includes:
* moralistic judgments
* making comparisons
* denial of responsibility
* demands
* deserving punishment/reward
Life-alienating communication is rooted in views of human nature that
stress our innate evil and deficiency, and a need for education to
control our inherently undesirable nature. Such education often
leaves us questioning whether there is something wrong with whatever
feelings and needs we may be experiencing. We learn early to cut
ourselves off from what's going on within ourselves.
Life-alienating communication both stems from and supports
hierarchical and domination society. When we are in contact with our
feelings and needs, we humans no longer make good slaves and
underlings.
# Chapter 3, Observing Without Evaluating
The first component of NVC entails the separation of observation from
evaluation. When we combine the two [without separation], others are
apt to hear criticism and resist what we are saying. NVC is a
process language that discourages static generalizations. Instead
observations are to be made specific to time and context.
# Chapter 4, Identifying and Expressing Feelings
The second component of NVC is to express how we are feeling. In
NVC, we distinguish between words that express actual feelings and
those that describe what we think we are. In expressing our
feelings, it helps to use words that refer to specific emotions,
rather than words that are vague or general.
# Chapter 5, Taking Responsibility For Our Feelings
The third component of NVC entails the acknowledgment of the root of
our feelings. NVC heightens our awareness that what others say and
do may be the stimulus, but never the cause of our feelings. We see
that our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others
say and do, as well as our particular needs and expectations in that
moment.
Four options for receiving negative [unpleasant] messages:
* Blaming ourselves
* Blaming others
* Sensing our own feelings and needs
* Sensing others feelings and needs
We accept responsibility rather than blame other people for our
feelings by acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations,
values, or thoughts.
[Needs are a continuum from survival to thriving. When some needs go
unmet, we die. When other needs go unmet, we remain alive but we
don't thrive as much. How to distinguish between needs and wants?
Needs tend to be things we share in common, while wants tend to be
privately held by individuals.]
The basic mechanism of motivating by guilt is to attribute the
responsibility for one's own feelings to others. Distinguish between
a giving from the heart and being motivated out of guilt. Connect
your feeling with your need: "I feel... because I..." Judgments,
criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all
alienated expressions of our own unmet needs. If we express our
needs directly, we have a better chance of getting them met.
In a world where we're often judged harshly for identifying and
revealing our needs, doing so can be very frightening. Emotional
liberation involves stating clearly what we need in a way that
communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of others be
fulfilled. NVC is designed to support us in relating at this level.
# Chapter 6, Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life
The fourth component of NVC addresses the question of what we would
like to request of others in order to enrich life for us. Use
positive language to express what we are requesting rather than what
we are not requesting. Make a request in clear, positive, concrete
action language to reveal what you really want. Vague language
contributes to internal confusion. Depression is the reward we get
for being "good." It may not be clear to the listener what we want
them to do when we simply express our feelings. We are often not
conscious of what we are requesting. Requests unaccompanied by the
speaker's feelings and needs may sound like a demand. The clearer we
are about what we want back, the more likely it is that we'll get it.
To make sure the message we sent is the message that's received, ask
the listener to reflect it back. Express your appreciation when your
listener tries to meet your request for a reflection. Empathize with
the listener who doesn't want to reflect back.
After we've openly expressed ourselves and received the understanding
we want, we're often eager to know the other person's reaction to
what we've said. The use of NVC requires that we be conscious of the
specific form of honesty we would like to receive, and to make that
request for honesty in concrete language. Usually the honesty we
would like to receive takes one of three directions:
* What the listener is feeling
* What the listener is thinking
* Whether the listener would be willing to take particular action
It is especially important when we are addressing a group to be clear
about the kind of understanding or honesty we want back from them
after we've expressed ourselves. Otherwise, much time is wasted.
When the other person hears a demand from us they see two options:
submit or rebel. To distinguish between a demand and a request,
observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with.
It's a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges, or lays a
guilt-trip. It's a request if the speaker then shows empathy toward
the other person's needs.
Expressing genuine requests also requires an awareness of our
objective. The objective of NVC is to establish a relationship based
on honesty and empathy.
# Chapter 7, Receiving Empathetically
Empathy requires focusing full attention on the other person's
message. We give to others the time and space they need to express
themselves. When we are thinking about people's words, listening to
how they connect with our theories, we are looking _at_ people--we
are not _with_ them. The key ingredient of empathy is presence: We
are wholly present with the other party and what they are
experiencing. This quality of presence distinguishes empathy from
either mental understanding or sympathy. While we may choose at
times to sympathize with others by feeling their feelings, it's
helpful to be aware that during the moment we are offering sympathy,
we are not empathizing.
In NVC, no matter what words people use to express themselves, we
listen for their observations, feelings, and needs, and what they are
requesting to enrich life. After, we may wish to reflect back by
paraphrasing what we have understood. NVC suggests that our
paraphrasing take the form of questions that reveal our understanding
while eliciting any necessary corrections from the speaker. Those
questions require us to sense what's going on within other people,
while inviting their corrections should we have sense incorrectly.
When asking for information, people feel safer if we first reveal the
feelings and needs within ourselves that are generating the question.
... I would recommend it particularly during moments when the
questions we ask are accompanied by strong emotions. It is generally
safe to assume that speakers expressing intensely emotional messages
would appreciate our reflecting these back to them.
When we paraphrase, the tone of voice we use is highly important. We
also need to be prepared for the possibility that the intention
behind our paraphrasing will be misinterpreted. Behind intimidating
messages are simply people appealing to us to meet their needs. A
difficult message becomes an opportunity to enrich someone's life.
Paraphrasing tends to save rather than waste time. By maintaining
our attention on what's going on within others, we offer them a
chance to fully explore and express their interior selves. We would
stem this flow if we were to shift attention too quickly either to
their requests or to our own desire to express ourselves.
What evidence is there that we've adequately empathized with the
other person? First, when an individual realizes that everything
going on within has received full empathic understanding, they will
express a sense of relief. We can become aware of this phenomenon by
noticing a corresponding release of tension in our own body. A
second even more obvious sign is that the person will stop talking.
If we are uncertain as to whether we have stayed long enough in the
process, we can always ask "Is there more that you wanted to say?"
... if we find ourselves unable or unwilling to empathize despite our
efforts, it is usually a sign we are too starved for empathy to be
able to offer it to others. Sometimes if we openly acknowledge that
our own distress is preventing us from responding empathetically, the
other person may come through with the empathy we need. At other
times, it may be necessary to provide ourselves with some "emergency
first aid" empathy by listening to what's going on in ourselves with
the same quality of presence and attention that we offer to others.
Or we may need to scream non-violently or take time out.
# Chapter 8, The Power Of Empathy
"When... someone really hears you without passing judgment on you,
without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold
you, it feels damn good... When I have been listened to and when I
have been heard, I am able to reperceive my world in a new way and go
on. It is astonishing how elements that seemed insoluble became
soluble when someone listens. How confusions that seem irremediable
turn into relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard." --Carl
Rogers
It's harder to empathize with those who appear to possess more power,
status, or resources.
The more we connect with the feelings and needs behind their words,
the less frightening it is to open up to other people.
We "say a lot" by listening for other people's feelings and needs.
Empathize, rather than put your "but" in the face of an angry person.
When we listen for their feelings and needs, we no longer see people
as monsters. It may be difficult to empathize with those who are
closest to us.
Empathizing with someone's "no" protects us from taking it personally.
To bring a conversation back to life: interrupt with empathy.
Another way is to openly express our desire to be more connected, and
to request information that would help us establish that connection.
What bores the listener bores the speaker too. Speakers prefer that
listeners interrupt rather than pretend to listen.
One of the hardest messages for many of us to empathize with is
silence. Empathize with silence by listening for the feelings and
needs behind it.
As listeners, we don't need insights into psychological dynamics or
training in psychological therapy. What is essential is our ability
to be present to what's really going on within--to the unique
feelings and needs a person is experiencing in that very moment.
# Chapter 9, Communicating Compassionately With Ourselves
When we are internally violent towards ourselves, it is difficult to
be genuinely compassionate towards others. We use NVC to evaluate
ourselves in ways that engender growth rather than self-hatred.
Shame is a form of self-hatred, and actions taken in reaction to
shame are not free and joyful acts.
The word "should" has enormous power to create shame and guilt. It
implies there is no choice, and we have a strong need for choice. We
react to tyranny even when it is internal. Self-judgments, like all
judgments, are tragic expressions of unmet needs. Mourning in NVC is
the process of fully connecting with the unmet needs and feelings
that are generated when we have been less than perfect. It is an
expression of regret, but one that helps us learn from what we have
done without blaming or hating ourselves. We follow up with
self-forgiveness: connect with the need we were trying to meet when
we took the act which we now regret.
Don't do anything that isn't play. When we are conscious of the
life-enriching purpose behind an action we take, when the sole energy
that motivates us is simply to make life wonderful for others and
ourselves, then even hard work has an element of play in it.
Correspondingly, an otherwise joyful activity performed out of
obligation, duty, fear, guilt, or shame will lose its joy and
eventually engender resistance.
With every choice you make, be conscious of what need it serves. Be
conscious of actions motivated by the desire for money or the
approval of others, and by fear, shame, or guilt. You know the price
you pay for them.
The most dangerous of all behaviors may consist of doing things
"because we're supposed to." When we speak a language that denies
choice, we forfeit the life in ourselves for a robot-like mentality
that disconnects us from our own core.
# Chapter 10, Expressing Anger Fully
Killing, hitting, blaming, hurting others--whether physically or
mentally--are all superficial expressions of what is going on within
us when we are angry. The choice is ours at any moment to shine the
light of consciousness on the other person's feelings and needs.
When we choose this, we never feel anger. We are not repressing the
anger; we see how anger is simply absent in each moment we are fully
present with the other person's feelings and needs. At the core of
anger is a need that is not being fulfilled. This can be valuable to
use as a wake-up call. When we become aware of our needs, anger
gives way to life-serving feelings. Violence comes from the belief
that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment.
Judgments of others contribute to self-fulfilling prophesies [isn't
this a form of blaming?]
Four steps to fully expressing anger:
* Stop. Breathe.
* Identify our judgmental thoughts
* Connect with our needs
* Express our feelings and unmet needs
In most cases, however, another step needs to take place before we
can expect the other party to connect with what is going on in us.
First we need to empathize [and hear] them before they can hear us.
Stay conscious of the violent thoughts that arise in our minds without
judging them. I've learned to savor life much more by only hearing
what's going on in [human beings'] hearts and not getting caught up
with the stuff in their heads. Our need is for the other person to
truly hear our pain. People do not hear our pain when they believe
they are at fault.
Probably the most important part of learning how to live the process
we have been discussing is to take our time. We may feel awkward
deviating from the habitual behaviors that our conditioning has
rendered automatic, but if our intention is to consciously live life
in harmony with our values, then we'll want to take our time.
# Chapter 11, The Protective Use Of Force
In situations where we need to resort to force, NVC requires us to
differentiate between the protective and punitive uses of force. The
intention behind the protective use of force is to prevent injury or
injustice. Punitive--is to cause individuals to suffer for their
perceived misdeeds.
In practice, punitive action, rather than evoking repentance and
learning, is just as likely to generate resentment and hostility and
to reinforce resistance to the very behavior we are seeking. Fear of
corporal punishment obscures children's awareness of the compassion
underlying parental demands. Punishment also includes judgmental
labelling and the withholding of privileges. When we fear
punishment, we focus on consequences, not on our own values. Fear of
punishment diminishes self-esteem and goodwill.
Two questions help us see why we are unlikely to get what we want by
using punishment to change people's behavior: 1. What do i want this
person to do? 2. What do i want this person's reasons to be for doing
it?
# Chapter 12, Liberating Ourselves And Counseling Others
We've all learned things that limit us as human beings... much of
this destructive cultural learning is so ingrained in our lives that
we are no longer conscious of it. The resulting pain is such an
integral part of our lives that we can no longer distinguish its
presence. It takes tremendous energy and awareness to recognize this
destructive learning and to transform it into thoughts and behaviors
that are of value and service to life.
To be able to hear our own feelings and needs and to empathize with
them can free us from depression.
Focus on what we want to do rather than what went wrong.
Defuse stress by hearing our own feelings and needs. Also by
empathizing with others.
# Chapter 13, Expressing Appreciation In Nonviolent Communication
Compliments are often judgments--however positive--of others.
Expressing appreciation as a way to celebrate, not to manipulate.
NVC clearly distinguishes three components in the expression of
appreciation:
* The actions that have contributed to our well-being.
* The particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled.
* The pleasureful feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those
needs.
NVC encourages us to receive appreciation with the same quality of
empathy we express when listening to other messages.
author: Rosenberg, Marshall B
detail: gopher://gopherpedia.com/0/Nonviolent_Communication
LOC: BF637.C45
tags: book,non-fiction,self-help
title: Nonviolent Communication
# Tags
book
non-fiction
self-help
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