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# 2018-07-13 - Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg | |
Feelings Wheel | |
# Chapter 1, Giving From The Heart | |
The use of NVC does not require that the persons with whom we are | |
communicating be literate in NVC or even motivated to relate to us | |
compassionately. If we stay with the principles of NVC, motivated | |
solely to give and receive compassionately and do everything we can | |
to let others know this is our only motive, they will join us in the | |
process and eventually we will be able to respond compassionately to | |
one another. | |
Four components of NVC: | |
* Observation | |
* Feeling | |
* Needs | |
* Request | |
Two parts of NVC: | |
* Expressing honestly through the four components | |
* Receiving empathetically through the four components | |
The essence of NVC is to be found in our consciousness of these four | |
components, not in the actual words that are exchanged. | |
# Chapter 2, Communication That Blocks Compassion | |
Life-alienating communication includes: | |
* moralistic judgments | |
* making comparisons | |
* denial of responsibility | |
* demands | |
* deserving punishment/reward | |
Life-alienating communication is rooted in views of human nature that | |
stress our innate evil and deficiency, and a need for education to | |
control our inherently undesirable nature. Such education often | |
leaves us questioning whether there is something wrong with whatever | |
feelings and needs we may be experiencing. We learn early to cut | |
ourselves off from what's going on within ourselves. | |
Life-alienating communication both stems from and supports | |
hierarchical and domination society. When we are in contact with our | |
feelings and needs, we humans no longer make good slaves and | |
underlings. | |
# Chapter 3, Observing Without Evaluating | |
The first component of NVC entails the separation of observation from | |
evaluation. When we combine the two [without separation], others are | |
apt to hear criticism and resist what we are saying. NVC is a | |
process language that discourages static generalizations. Instead | |
observations are to be made specific to time and context. | |
# Chapter 4, Identifying and Expressing Feelings | |
The second component of NVC is to express how we are feeling. In | |
NVC, we distinguish between words that express actual feelings and | |
those that describe what we think we are. In expressing our | |
feelings, it helps to use words that refer to specific emotions, | |
rather than words that are vague or general. | |
# Chapter 5, Taking Responsibility For Our Feelings | |
The third component of NVC entails the acknowledgment of the root of | |
our feelings. NVC heightens our awareness that what others say and | |
do may be the stimulus, but never the cause of our feelings. We see | |
that our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others | |
say and do, as well as our particular needs and expectations in that | |
moment. | |
Four options for receiving negative [unpleasant] messages: | |
* Blaming ourselves | |
* Blaming others | |
* Sensing our own feelings and needs | |
* Sensing others feelings and needs | |
We accept responsibility rather than blame other people for our | |
feelings by acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, | |
values, or thoughts. | |
[Needs are a continuum from survival to thriving. When some needs go | |
unmet, we die. When other needs go unmet, we remain alive but we | |
don't thrive as much. How to distinguish between needs and wants? | |
Needs tend to be things we share in common, while wants tend to be | |
privately held by individuals.] | |
The basic mechanism of motivating by guilt is to attribute the | |
responsibility for one's own feelings to others. Distinguish between | |
a giving from the heart and being motivated out of guilt. Connect | |
your feeling with your need: "I feel... because I..." Judgments, | |
criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all | |
alienated expressions of our own unmet needs. If we express our | |
needs directly, we have a better chance of getting them met. | |
In a world where we're often judged harshly for identifying and | |
revealing our needs, doing so can be very frightening. Emotional | |
liberation involves stating clearly what we need in a way that | |
communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of others be | |
fulfilled. NVC is designed to support us in relating at this level. | |
# Chapter 6, Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life | |
The fourth component of NVC addresses the question of what we would | |
like to request of others in order to enrich life for us. Use | |
positive language to express what we are requesting rather than what | |
we are not requesting. Make a request in clear, positive, concrete | |
action language to reveal what you really want. Vague language | |
contributes to internal confusion. Depression is the reward we get | |
for being "good." It may not be clear to the listener what we want | |
them to do when we simply express our feelings. We are often not | |
conscious of what we are requesting. Requests unaccompanied by the | |
speaker's feelings and needs may sound like a demand. The clearer we | |
are about what we want back, the more likely it is that we'll get it. | |
To make sure the message we sent is the message that's received, ask | |
the listener to reflect it back. Express your appreciation when your | |
listener tries to meet your request for a reflection. Empathize with | |
the listener who doesn't want to reflect back. | |
After we've openly expressed ourselves and received the understanding | |
we want, we're often eager to know the other person's reaction to | |
what we've said. The use of NVC requires that we be conscious of the | |
specific form of honesty we would like to receive, and to make that | |
request for honesty in concrete language. Usually the honesty we | |
would like to receive takes one of three directions: | |
* What the listener is feeling | |
* What the listener is thinking | |
* Whether the listener would be willing to take particular action | |
It is especially important when we are addressing a group to be clear | |
about the kind of understanding or honesty we want back from them | |
after we've expressed ourselves. Otherwise, much time is wasted. | |
When the other person hears a demand from us they see two options: | |
submit or rebel. To distinguish between a demand and a request, | |
observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with. | |
It's a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges, or lays a | |
guilt-trip. It's a request if the speaker then shows empathy toward | |
the other person's needs. | |
Expressing genuine requests also requires an awareness of our | |
objective. The objective of NVC is to establish a relationship based | |
on honesty and empathy. | |
# Chapter 7, Receiving Empathetically | |
Empathy requires focusing full attention on the other person's | |
message. We give to others the time and space they need to express | |
themselves. When we are thinking about people's words, listening to | |
how they connect with our theories, we are looking _at_ people--we | |
are not _with_ them. The key ingredient of empathy is presence: We | |
are wholly present with the other party and what they are | |
experiencing. This quality of presence distinguishes empathy from | |
either mental understanding or sympathy. While we may choose at | |
times to sympathize with others by feeling their feelings, it's | |
helpful to be aware that during the moment we are offering sympathy, | |
we are not empathizing. | |
In NVC, no matter what words people use to express themselves, we | |
listen for their observations, feelings, and needs, and what they are | |
requesting to enrich life. After, we may wish to reflect back by | |
paraphrasing what we have understood. NVC suggests that our | |
paraphrasing take the form of questions that reveal our understanding | |
while eliciting any necessary corrections from the speaker. Those | |
questions require us to sense what's going on within other people, | |
while inviting their corrections should we have sense incorrectly. | |
When asking for information, people feel safer if we first reveal the | |
feelings and needs within ourselves that are generating the question. | |
... I would recommend it particularly during moments when the | |
questions we ask are accompanied by strong emotions. It is generally | |
safe to assume that speakers expressing intensely emotional messages | |
would appreciate our reflecting these back to them. | |
When we paraphrase, the tone of voice we use is highly important. We | |
also need to be prepared for the possibility that the intention | |
behind our paraphrasing will be misinterpreted. Behind intimidating | |
messages are simply people appealing to us to meet their needs. A | |
difficult message becomes an opportunity to enrich someone's life. | |
Paraphrasing tends to save rather than waste time. By maintaining | |
our attention on what's going on within others, we offer them a | |
chance to fully explore and express their interior selves. We would | |
stem this flow if we were to shift attention too quickly either to | |
their requests or to our own desire to express ourselves. | |
What evidence is there that we've adequately empathized with the | |
other person? First, when an individual realizes that everything | |
going on within has received full empathic understanding, they will | |
express a sense of relief. We can become aware of this phenomenon by | |
noticing a corresponding release of tension in our own body. A | |
second even more obvious sign is that the person will stop talking. | |
If we are uncertain as to whether we have stayed long enough in the | |
process, we can always ask "Is there more that you wanted to say?" | |
... if we find ourselves unable or unwilling to empathize despite our | |
efforts, it is usually a sign we are too starved for empathy to be | |
able to offer it to others. Sometimes if we openly acknowledge that | |
our own distress is preventing us from responding empathetically, the | |
other person may come through with the empathy we need. At other | |
times, it may be necessary to provide ourselves with some "emergency | |
first aid" empathy by listening to what's going on in ourselves with | |
the same quality of presence and attention that we offer to others. | |
Or we may need to scream non-violently or take time out. | |
# Chapter 8, The Power Of Empathy | |
"When... someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, | |
without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold | |
you, it feels damn good... When I have been listened to and when I | |
have been heard, I am able to reperceive my world in a new way and go | |
on. It is astonishing how elements that seemed insoluble became | |
soluble when someone listens. How confusions that seem irremediable | |
turn into relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard." --Carl | |
Rogers | |
It's harder to empathize with those who appear to possess more power, | |
status, or resources. | |
The more we connect with the feelings and needs behind their words, | |
the less frightening it is to open up to other people. | |
We "say a lot" by listening for other people's feelings and needs. | |
Empathize, rather than put your "but" in the face of an angry person. | |
When we listen for their feelings and needs, we no longer see people | |
as monsters. It may be difficult to empathize with those who are | |
closest to us. | |
Empathizing with someone's "no" protects us from taking it personally. | |
To bring a conversation back to life: interrupt with empathy. | |
Another way is to openly express our desire to be more connected, and | |
to request information that would help us establish that connection. | |
What bores the listener bores the speaker too. Speakers prefer that | |
listeners interrupt rather than pretend to listen. | |
One of the hardest messages for many of us to empathize with is | |
silence. Empathize with silence by listening for the feelings and | |
needs behind it. | |
As listeners, we don't need insights into psychological dynamics or | |
training in psychological therapy. What is essential is our ability | |
to be present to what's really going on within--to the unique | |
feelings and needs a person is experiencing in that very moment. | |
# Chapter 9, Communicating Compassionately With Ourselves | |
When we are internally violent towards ourselves, it is difficult to | |
be genuinely compassionate towards others. We use NVC to evaluate | |
ourselves in ways that engender growth rather than self-hatred. | |
Shame is a form of self-hatred, and actions taken in reaction to | |
shame are not free and joyful acts. | |
The word "should" has enormous power to create shame and guilt. It | |
implies there is no choice, and we have a strong need for choice. We | |
react to tyranny even when it is internal. Self-judgments, like all | |
judgments, are tragic expressions of unmet needs. Mourning in NVC is | |
the process of fully connecting with the unmet needs and feelings | |
that are generated when we have been less than perfect. It is an | |
expression of regret, but one that helps us learn from what we have | |
done without blaming or hating ourselves. We follow up with | |
self-forgiveness: connect with the need we were trying to meet when | |
we took the act which we now regret. | |
Don't do anything that isn't play. When we are conscious of the | |
life-enriching purpose behind an action we take, when the sole energy | |
that motivates us is simply to make life wonderful for others and | |
ourselves, then even hard work has an element of play in it. | |
Correspondingly, an otherwise joyful activity performed out of | |
obligation, duty, fear, guilt, or shame will lose its joy and | |
eventually engender resistance. | |
With every choice you make, be conscious of what need it serves. Be | |
conscious of actions motivated by the desire for money or the | |
approval of others, and by fear, shame, or guilt. You know the price | |
you pay for them. | |
The most dangerous of all behaviors may consist of doing things | |
"because we're supposed to." When we speak a language that denies | |
choice, we forfeit the life in ourselves for a robot-like mentality | |
that disconnects us from our own core. | |
# Chapter 10, Expressing Anger Fully | |
Killing, hitting, blaming, hurting others--whether physically or | |
mentally--are all superficial expressions of what is going on within | |
us when we are angry. The choice is ours at any moment to shine the | |
light of consciousness on the other person's feelings and needs. | |
When we choose this, we never feel anger. We are not repressing the | |
anger; we see how anger is simply absent in each moment we are fully | |
present with the other person's feelings and needs. At the core of | |
anger is a need that is not being fulfilled. This can be valuable to | |
use as a wake-up call. When we become aware of our needs, anger | |
gives way to life-serving feelings. Violence comes from the belief | |
that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment. | |
Judgments of others contribute to self-fulfilling prophesies [isn't | |
this a form of blaming?] | |
Four steps to fully expressing anger: | |
* Stop. Breathe. | |
* Identify our judgmental thoughts | |
* Connect with our needs | |
* Express our feelings and unmet needs | |
In most cases, however, another step needs to take place before we | |
can expect the other party to connect with what is going on in us. | |
First we need to empathize [and hear] them before they can hear us. | |
Stay conscious of the violent thoughts that arise in our minds without | |
judging them. I've learned to savor life much more by only hearing | |
what's going on in [human beings'] hearts and not getting caught up | |
with the stuff in their heads. Our need is for the other person to | |
truly hear our pain. People do not hear our pain when they believe | |
they are at fault. | |
Probably the most important part of learning how to live the process | |
we have been discussing is to take our time. We may feel awkward | |
deviating from the habitual behaviors that our conditioning has | |
rendered automatic, but if our intention is to consciously live life | |
in harmony with our values, then we'll want to take our time. | |
# Chapter 11, The Protective Use Of Force | |
In situations where we need to resort to force, NVC requires us to | |
differentiate between the protective and punitive uses of force. The | |
intention behind the protective use of force is to prevent injury or | |
injustice. Punitive--is to cause individuals to suffer for their | |
perceived misdeeds. | |
In practice, punitive action, rather than evoking repentance and | |
learning, is just as likely to generate resentment and hostility and | |
to reinforce resistance to the very behavior we are seeking. Fear of | |
corporal punishment obscures children's awareness of the compassion | |
underlying parental demands. Punishment also includes judgmental | |
labelling and the withholding of privileges. When we fear | |
punishment, we focus on consequences, not on our own values. Fear of | |
punishment diminishes self-esteem and goodwill. | |
Two questions help us see why we are unlikely to get what we want by | |
using punishment to change people's behavior: 1. What do i want this | |
person to do? 2. What do i want this person's reasons to be for doing | |
it? | |
# Chapter 12, Liberating Ourselves And Counseling Others | |
We've all learned things that limit us as human beings... much of | |
this destructive cultural learning is so ingrained in our lives that | |
we are no longer conscious of it. The resulting pain is such an | |
integral part of our lives that we can no longer distinguish its | |
presence. It takes tremendous energy and awareness to recognize this | |
destructive learning and to transform it into thoughts and behaviors | |
that are of value and service to life. | |
To be able to hear our own feelings and needs and to empathize with | |
them can free us from depression. | |
Focus on what we want to do rather than what went wrong. | |
Defuse stress by hearing our own feelings and needs. Also by | |
empathizing with others. | |
# Chapter 13, Expressing Appreciation In Nonviolent Communication | |
Compliments are often judgments--however positive--of others. | |
Expressing appreciation as a way to celebrate, not to manipulate. | |
NVC clearly distinguishes three components in the expression of | |
appreciation: | |
* The actions that have contributed to our well-being. | |
* The particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled. | |
* The pleasureful feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those | |
needs. | |
NVC encourages us to receive appreciation with the same quality of | |
empathy we express when listening to other messages. | |
author: Rosenberg, Marshall B | |
detail: gopher://gopherpedia.com/0/Nonviolent_Communication | |
LOC: BF637.C45 | |
tags: book,non-fiction,self-help | |
title: Nonviolent Communication | |
# Tags | |
book | |
non-fiction | |
self-help |