---
title: Crosspost: Apoptosis
date: 240219
category: phlog
---

(Originally posted at ennui.institute)

In the film CHILDREN OF MEN (I don't recall whether or not it's in the
book), there's a scene where Julianne Moore's character taunts the
endlessly-traumatized Clive Owen about his recent close call with a
café explosion: Do you hear that ringing in your ears? That's the
sound of those cells dying, so enjoy it while it lasts. You'll never
be able to hear that frequency again [1].

Factually dubious, of course, but the notion stuck with me. When some-
thing inside of us dies, how does it say farewell?

I've long experienced a sensation while I'm working on a problem. My
strongest early memory of it (though I am certain it was around before
then) was always associated with my Java programming class as a first-
year Computer Science major. When the problem was traceable and I
could roughly see the pathway of code that would take me to a solution
but I started to have some choices and responsibility, I'd get a ting-
ling sensation in my head, over my ears, and on the backs of my hands,
and I'd begin feeling what I now recognize as anxiety. When my tech-
nical skills were not quite where I needed them to be, but I could
logically recognize that working through the problem would help build
those skills, I would lock up in a panic, occasionally fixated on the
blinking cursor of my IDE for hours. Then I'd cheat my way through
the assignment and boot up Unreal Tournament 2k3 and get kicked out
of school and come back a year later as an English major.

This sensation recurs, to a lesser extent, when I work on music and
design projects that are slightly more complex than muscle-memorable.
I've learned how to push through it for work-related writing and
scholarship, but the anticipation of it leads to a lot of avoidance
and procrastination. You won't find me blogging for my library any
time soon because I know its waiting there for me, and you absolutely
will not find me coding a solution to a practical problem.

Lately, I've felt it, the contraction of the scalp, the sweat, the
heart rate jump, the freeze, when I start seriously thinking about
taking on one of my intentions [2]. It could be the early evening af-
ter work. I could be sitting on the couch, passively taking in a rerun
or mobile game, and I get the urge to motivation—hey, you could be do-
ing something with this time—immediately followed by fear, inaction.

It's a ringing in my ears that ripples across my whole body, and I
have to wonder, what is it that is dying? Motivation? Creation? When
the anxious pull toward manifestation grips me, is that the sign that
it is leaving? I could sit deeper in the couch, get real cozy. I could
smile wide. That part of me could be done, and I'll never have it ag-
ain. The next time I feel the pull, another Hz of action, dead.

[1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R69eYznTIYA
[2] https://ennui.institute/intent