I've been feeling really down. For months and months. It
is scary times here in many ways. By "here" I meant the
country I live in, but I suppose I just mean "on Earth".
I feel really anxioius all the time, but also I have been
sick no less than 10 times in the last ~6 months. That has
not helped things. Nor has the return of ulcer-like symptoms.
Not sure if they are stress related or H. Pylori (bacterial).
Got some labs done today to, hopefully find out on the later
one way or the other.
We were planning on moving in the next year or so, but
things feel too unstable right now, so we paid off student
loans and are just saving up instead. Gonna keep some
cash safely hidden. I feel like I might be going a little
crazy with worries than only a few people I know seem to
share at the same level I am currently experiencing.
I suddenly wonder if I am experiencing burnout. My wife has
been reading a book on the subject (called "Burnout"), but
until this moment I hadn't really thought about it in terms
of myself.
I have not had the mental energy to phlog, e-mail, etc. I
try to write letters occasionally. I like the connection
via something physical, though I do not often get written
back, or people text me or call me instead. I guess that is
okay, even if it isn't what I hoped for. It is nice to hear
from people on whatever terms they can make it happen.
I'm sorry for being a bummer. I had some free time and can't
bring myself to work on a code project or the like, I don't
have any problem I can solve with code right now so it would
mostly feel like directionless time wasting (which can have
its place from time to time, but does not feel right for
this moment). So, I decided to phlog since we are at the
time of the monthly circumlunar muster and my time zone is
pretty disconnected from most sundogs. I wasn't sure what to
write about and this just sort of started coming out. In its
way I suppose it is also directionless time wasting, but at
least it is communication of a sort.
A recent brightspot has been that I randomly decided to start
reading the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett. I just got
to the end of the first one today. I'll start another on the
morrow. It was the right kind of light/fun reading I need at
the moment. I'm also in the middle of "A Room With a View",
which has been good, but not as good as the movie (Julian
Sands, who died in the mountains that I live in, was really
strange and enjoyable in that movie; I liked his energy. Him
and the guy that played Mr. Beebe, the clergyman).
Another bright spot was that for my daughter's spring break
we were all going to go to AZ to visit/tour Biosphere2 and
visit my brother-in-law. He got sick and cancelled. We had
been feeling overwhelmed (see: above) anyway, so decided to
not go to AZ. We landed on going to Joshua Tree National Park.
I had been before, but not in many many years and under very
different circumstances. It is only an hour from the base of
the mountain (so 1:40:00-ish from home) and we had an amazing
time. A lot of the worries and depression/anxiety faded and
we just had fun. We stayed at a motel outside the park since
I have more or less given up camping. I just want a good night
of sleep and I do not get it camping. The accomodations were
nice (Field Station in Yucca Valley) and reasonably priced for
the night we were staying. Wesaw the Cholla cactus garden at
sunset and all of the cacti were lit up with this yellow haze
from the light. It was beautiful. My daughter and I did a lot
of bouldering. We all enjoyed "The Hall of Horrors", which is
a pair of slot canyons that get pretty narrow. One cool point
was having to put my feet on one wall and hands on the other
and slowly climb up that way to get over some boulders blocking
further progress. It was fun. We all had a really good time.
Also during her spring break I saw an old friend and her
daughter (who is now ten... the last time I saw her she was 5
or so). We went to a small zoo near where I grew up. It was
nice to catch up after so long. We also went to the Natural
History Museum in LA, which was an overwhelming sensory
nightmare for us. Just too many people, all with no sense that
other people actually exist in the world. You'd be looking at
something and they just walk right in front of you or bump
into you. We liked the museum, but it was just too crowded. We
are now back to regularly scheduled programming (school is
going again and my wife is back to work). I need to sand and
repaint a few spots on siding of the house where snow has caused
a bit of damage. I need to do some gardening too. Really I
just want to go hike and be somewhere without any sound. It
is increasingly what I want: to be somewhere without cars,
dogs, planes, people. This has been a thing for years, but it
feels like it is reaching fever pitch. Joshua Tree really put
it in focus a lot more. Maybe some day I will have my 100-acre
wood, or the like. I'd love to build a cob or wattle-and-daub
one room building with a fireplace. No electric, but a rocking
chair and a lot of books. Not as the sole dwelling, but as a
place to feel at home. Someday, I hope.
