Subj : Wonderful World of Nature
To : All
From : Walter Traprock
Date : Tue Apr 03 2007 10:14 pm
From: Walter Traprock <
[email protected]>
The Ferocious Amazonian Killer Skunk
Perhaps the most unpleasant animal in the whole of the Wonderful World. Can
spot its victim from a distance of up to fifty miles, charge at a speed of
seventy mph, apply its bottom to its victim's nose, and produce a lethal fart,
to which there is no known antidote.
The animal can find you wherever you are, as it can read phone directories or
even get in touch with your bank.
The "Montana" Boiling Tiger
Placed in a pan of boiling water for ten minutes, this tiger makes a delicious
lunch snack. Garnish with sweet corn and dill cucumbers.
Bengali Bomber Ant
This extremely dangerous and unpredictable termite is capable of flying
Lancaster Bombers, Spitfires, and even Sabre jets at speeds well in excess of
Mach one. Indeed, such is its success at getting performances out of obsolete
combat aircraft, far above their technical specifications, that an independent
board of enquiry has been attached to the War Office to learn some of the
Bomber Ant's secrets. At present, the main objective of the enquiry is to get
near enough to the Ant's heavily defended strategic HQ to be able to make
contact via the Red Cross or some independent body covered by the Geneva
Convention.
The Limping Fish from South Dakota
The fish is only to be found in the dry, semiarid regions of Senator McGovern's
home state. Totally disinterested in politics, its strange, limping gait is
the result of the long overland swim from the Atlantic, 1,500 miles away.
The Turkish Wall Goat
Unfortunately incontinent, the Turkish Wall Goat is a constant hazard on the
streets of Ankara. Its ability to climb any vertical surface and remain there
for many weeks on end has rendered some side streets virtually impassable.
Perhaps the worst feature of this antisocial animal is its habit of shouting at
young women and making misleading statements about the present Turkish
government.
The Lighter-than-Air Otter
This is one of the few dirigible otters in the Western Free World. A
politically irresponsible animal, it produces a strange whooping noise when
released, but refuses to see a doctor. The otter will keep in a refrigerator
for up to five minutes, or two minutes in the ice compartment.
The Patagonian Bursting Rabbit
This extremely dangerous rodent eats up to six times its own weight in food,
refuse, and old copies of The Watchtower. It then lies in wait for its prey,
disguised as the comparatively harmless Patagonian Shoe-Cleaning Rat (see
separate entry) and, upon contact with the victim's shoe, explodes with the
force of twenty pounds of TNT, covering the victim in an unpleasant mixture of
predigested food and evangelical magazines.
The Argentinian Leaping Cow and Badger
Distantly related to the Squatting Pig and Mongoose, this interesting animals
is found only in Scotland and Fiji, and lives solely on a diet of ants and
milk. During the leaping season, which lasts for four hours, thousands of
these happy creatures get sucked into aircraft engines.
The California Thinking Lizard
There are few sights more unnerving in the whole of the Wonderful World than
the sight of this lizard thinking. It thinks about everything: whether to get
up, whether to walk backwards or forwards -- it even thinks about whether to
stand still or not. Unfortunately, although it thinks so much, the lizard is
incapable of coming to any decisions, and has to survive off tiny insects that
crawl into into it's mouth and wonder down into its stomach. And, even then,
many of them just walk out again.
The Patagonian Shoe-Cleaning Rat
Perhaps the most harmless and least offensive animal in existence. This rat
lives by hiring itself out as a shoe brush. Once it goes bald, its career is
at an end, and it has to rely on what it can make out of selling Patagonian
Rat's Cheese (which, understandably, isn't very popular).
(* This animal really needs all the help it can get, so if you have any
contributions, send them to:
Help the Patagonian
Shoe-Cleaning Rat Fund
c/o The Lubrication Bay
"El Diablo" Shell Garage
Buenos Aires
The West Bromley Fighting Haddock
An all too increasing phenomenon around West Bromley nowadays -- especially at
closing time -- is this violent and abusive Fighting Haddock. It is usually
found hanging round the door of the Public Bar ready to attack defenceless
members of Parliament, vicars, and gaming-club owners. Its rough manners and
disgusting language have made the Fighting Haddock feared throughout the
Bromley area and the South-East.
--- BBBS/NT v4.01 Flag-5
* Origin: FidoNet MONTE <--> alt.fan.monty-python (1:379/45)
