Subj : rules for bands
To : Richard Webb
From : Steve Thompson
Date : Sun Oct 15 2023 12:15 am
This was a great read, thanks :)
... I know it's been awhile (and I'm getting caught up) so here's a recap:
> Since it seems we actually have some lurkers at least, btw,
> from the moderator, thanks for popping up and saying hi,
> this will give you a laugh.
> POsted by a sound reinforcement provider buddy of mine on
> usenet:
> RULES FOR BANDS
> -Never start a trio with a married couple.
> -Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
> -Before you sign a record deal, look up the word 'recoupable' in the
> dictionary.
> -No one cares who you've opened for...
> -A string section does not make your songs sound any more important.
>-If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up
> -When you talk on stage you are never funny.
> -If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their
> music. "Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political
> lyrics?"
> -Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it.
> -Don't say your video's being played if it's only on community TV.
> -When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever.
> Mention 'artistic freedom' and 'a guaranteed 3 record deal'.
>-When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked
> to be let go.
> -Never name a song after your band.
> -Never name your band after a song.
>-When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin
> looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
> -Never enter a Battle Of The Bands contest. If you do you're already a loser.
> -Learn to recognise scary word pairings: rock opera, white rapper, blues jam,
> swing band, open mike etc.
> -Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
>-Listen, either break it to your parents or we will - it's rock 'n' roll, not
> soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
> -It's not a 'showcase'. It's a gig that doesn't pay.
> -No one cares that you have a MySpace page.
> -Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
> -Don't hire a publicist.
>-Playing a gig that requires an overnight stay somewhere doesn't mean you're o
> tour.
> -Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover
> band.
>-Although they come in different styles and colours, electric guitars all soun
> the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
> -Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what
> girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
> -If you need a smoke machine your music sucks.
> -We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and
> one you made with the iMac your parents got for Christmas.
> -Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play
> them?
> -If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or
> when it will turn up.
> -Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
> -Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
> -Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
>-Rock oxymoron's; major label interest, demo deal, blues genius, $500 guarante
> and Fastball's second hit.
>-3 things that are never coming back: gongs, headbands and playing slide guita
> with a beer bottle.
> Regards,
> Richard
