having anxiety attacks on the reg in the afternoons these past
couple days or maybe a week who knows. which, sucks, but its not
gonna kill me. its also almost never one of those easy to figure
out ones. instead I just suffer until i forget about it. whatever.
i've got my eye on someone these days as well, which is the first
time in going on 4 years, when my mom died. so thats... something
i should feel more emotions about but damn, its not happening. its
not like going through the motions... its like brewing coffe, or
some other task you do regularly, but try to do well, and
confident that you can. its not a disengagement, but...look. I
know how bad things have gone before, and I am way more chill now
than I ever was in the past when trying to court. i think that's
what's happening, im just keeping my chill because its not worth
worrying about. nothing i do will be as bad as dealing with my
mom's cancer and a terrible toxic relationship at the same time. i
can handle a lot.
i wish i felt those butterflies though. or maybe I do and its just
an anxiety attack now.
anyway
i started reading Miss MacIntosh, My Darling at the end of last
year, and I am writing down chapter by chapter summaries[1]. the
book is ~1300 pages, probably the longest i will have ever read
(with stiff competition coming from Infinite Jest, Don Quixote,
and The Recognitions) and presumably just as complex as those
other doorstoppers (add in Gravity's Rainbow to that mix as
well). With all other huge books ive read, they had online
materials to help a lay person go through it (Ifinite Jest has a
Wiki, The Recognitions has a whole book of annotations [which was
wickedly useful holy crap], and gravity's rainbow has "things that
happen in gravity's rainbow". DQ has 400 years of criticism so
yeah). The only online resource for this book is an earthlink
homepage[2] that sort of offers a brief overview of the novel.
All those other books I mentioned are stuck in my brain. The
events, the characters, the scenes, all have a very sticky quality
that i can't overcome (I was recalling GR for months, annoyingly).
And I think it is because I took a lot of notes, and I read a lot
of notes for each of those books. Others I have read, I could
barely tell you what happend. I don't want to devote what will
probably be a few months to this HUGE novel and not remember it.
if anybody else wants a helper for Miss MacIntosh, i hope that my
summaries provide SOMETHING, though I will not attest to their
quality. I practice poetry, not prose.
[1]
gopher://sdf.org/0/users/xvetrd/litcrit/mmmd
[2]
http://home.earthlink.net/%7Eeichfr/youngweb.htm
