gonna try and use feels more like what it's meant for -- feelings, dumps
of words and thoughts. i made someone feel uncomfortable by accident,
shared something i didn't realize would be embarrassing. and they
messaged me saying i'm not mad, you're not in trouble, but please don't
do that again. so i'm ... having a panic attack or something? i dont
know i dont know i dont know. crying and not breathing right and auugh
it's not fair. i'm not fair to people. i can't tell anyone about this
because ... then what are they supposed to do? how are you supposed to
set boundaries with someone when you know that they'll spiral horribly
over even the slightest bit of pushback? how do i _stop myself from
fucking being like this_ i dont know i dont know i dont know
worm out
---
there's some sort of halloween party today, a dance. i went to it, and
was ... a little put off, a little scared whenever surrounded by people
taller than me, but tried to get into it, sing along a little. the
world around me started to fragment. i lost the ability to stand
properly, kinda slumped against the wall. left and took some candy and
a mtn dew can and a gatorade on the way out.
is this real? or am i faking it? i can't tell, i really can't, other
than i felt kinda like shit and i still do now. lightheaded always
always always
