Relating to my last feels post, I lied. I fucking lied to you, I lied to myself, and I lied to everyone that ever believed in me, ever.
This community has been one of the most supportive communities I've ever had the privilege of being in; yet, it's limited by being online-only.
My school, on the other hand, is also a very supportive community. When someone has a problem, people notice it, and offer emotional and, if needed, physical support.
__Except me.__
I'm not hiding. I'm out in the open, very overtly suffering (yet, not actively craving attention). People see me, but see past me.
Bringing up my issues with them results in a massively different response than if someone else did:
- instead of "I'm sorry to hear that, do you need a hug/snacks/any kind of support?" I get "ok, and? we're all stressed."
- instead of people noticing something's wrong, they ignore me.
- when I help someone, they don't appreciate it, and never return the favor.
It's very, very difficult to remain nice, emotionally stable and mentally sane in such an environment. If it were a community which treated others as badly as me, I could adapt.
But I can't help but feel shitty whenever someone gets the support I need just as much, or more, and I don't.
Fuck this. Fuck everything. I'm isolating myself and focusing on academics for the rest of the fucking term. I don't know why I ever lied to myself that socializing would solve
this problem; it just makes me feel worse.
