Hello feels, and hello tilde.town. I want to record some
feelings that I had a few days ago. Life has been a bit
hectic this year, by my own personal standards for life.
I don't find any value in comparing, since there will
always be many whos lives are far worse, and many whos
lives are far better, making the comparison a wash every
time.
In any case, for me, this year has been difficult. I have
felt depression and anxiety in the past, but I would not
say that I "suffer" from them generally. I count myself
quite lucky, because I know many, including people very
close to me, that do suffer. But I have had a few severe
episodes, and this week I had one with anxiety/depression.
An attack, I suppose it is called generally.
It has been years since I've had such an attack. At least,
one this bad. But I did something quite different with it.
I isolated myself (which I tend to do when I'm emotional
anyway,) and I decided to write. Well, to type in any case,
while I was having the attack. I wanted to get the feelings
out, I wanted to get the words out, and I wanted to do it
while I was in the throws of it.
It was very raw, and I let it be very raw. I wrote exactly
what I felt, and I tried to let myself feel what was really
in my heart and mind (to be honest, I've generally, in the
past, disallowed certain feelings and ideas, rejected the
very idea that they could be mine.) It was painful, but it
was also helpful. It was actually physically painful, I
think I strained a muscle in my neck writhing and screaming.
It's been hurting all week.
What a picture. Anyway, I suppose my point in sharing this
here is to complete some kind of circle. It is one thing
to feel something alone, to go through something alone, but
it is something else to reach out, even in a small way, and
share that with some other part of humanity. I don't really
wish to share what I wrote- that's a lie, part of me does
want to share it, but I'm afraid- but I want to share the
experience.
Depression and suffering are pervasive, even among people
that "have it all." That has been my experience. We're all
human, imperfect, fractured. Magazines, tv, movies, and
society in general seem to want people to pretend that they
are whole, perfect, beautiful, confident, but that has not
been my experience with humanity. And that is ok. That is
reality, and it is good, even if it hurts.
