I manage to keep serene.
Underneath things are happening, I can sense strong emotions.
But I keep serene.
Breath in.
Breath out.
anger.
Tech people generally accept that the world is like that, that you have to use github, linkedin, google and it is just the way it is.
I feel angry.
Then, I understand people, I wish I could not to give a fuck about moral and ethical effects of those actions/"platforms".
But I do.
So I turn to "social" field, thinking that "human" values of justice, equality, non-discrimination should make them back up my perspective, my struggle.
No luck in here neither.
"Oh, you are right, but I know nothing about the tech, it is too complicated".
Why it is so important to me, to the point where I accept being practically totally excluded from social life with all its consequences (no job, hardly any socialisation, no opportunities...)
"Oh, but it changes nothing if you use whatsapp, form the global perspective".
I know it doesn't hurt, but still I can't.
I think about all that set-up of interconnected elements that are interdependent and you can't opt-in for just one.
You're in or you're out.
And I am out.
Even to postulate for a master in Sweden I had to ask someone to create an account for me as you have to do google captcha and you can't do it on TOR.
In the long run, being out is kind of social suicide.
My meat is burning inside.
If I conform to the rules I will develop again some neurosis.
If I don't conform, how much longer can I go?
Accepting other people's freedom is one thing.
Other thing is that exercising my freedom is fucking hard.
I struggle to keep on middle path, and it seems to be so hard.
