I get what people mean when they say that you shouldn't identify too much
with your creative output for self-worth. I get that. But at the same time
I've already ingrained it so deeply into my model of social interaction
that I don't know what else I have to offer. The peacock's tail is a means
to attract interest, a way to be seen by others. I've always been an ugly
duckling, but instead of growing into an elegant swan, I'm just a mousy
female mallard, adapted to be invisible.
I always thought I'd be a swan, but it never happened. So I have to make do
with what I have. If no one sees you, how on earth are you supposed to
start relationships that you can build? Social relationships seem to be
built so much on the spaghetti hypothesis: throw a lot at the wall, and
very little sticks. How can that be successful without something to draw
people to you? Better yet, the kind of people you'd prefer to know?
My parents always said I was too picky about my friends. Maybe I am. Maybe
I'm a snob and an asshole. I dunno, I don't think I am, but I get kinda
bored with people I don't mesh with. When I get bored I have a hard time
hiding it. That's gotta feel shitty to whoever's on the other end of it.
But I know I'm boring now, too. I don't have anything to talk about. I've
been working from home for over a year now and doing little besides talking
to my partner and my pets. What's there except for the peacock tail? What
else do I have to open up my world?
I saw some jokey article a short while ago about how everyone knows a
person whose best trait is being "nice." And that what that really means
is that this person is boring. No one really wants to spend time with
someone who is boring. Being not-boring isn't the end-all of being a person
worth knowing, but it feels like a starting point of making people give a
shit about knowing you.
I guess that's it. I want people to be interested. I want people to want to
know me. I don't want to always be the one trying to get other people's
attention. That is why I'm so invested in my creative output. I think the
people who say otherwise maybe already have all the friends they want.
