Didn't sleep well at all- just couldn't be tired and get to sleep.
Passed out somewhere around 6:30 or 7 AM and just woke up at about
2 PM. I swear our sleep schedule is drifting. I'm exhausted right
now. I think part of that is we need to eat and drink something,
but I'm still very tired at the moment. Not much is going to get
done like this.
I've started questioning my spiritual beliefs. I've been learning
more about Islam by asking some Muslim friends because it's a big
gap in my knowledge, and it feels like it clicks in a way religion
hasn't before. I need to think about this more and gather more
information because I feel very torn. I know at least one of the
others is also interested, and at least one is opposed to the idea
of possibly converting, and that makes things more complicated on
top of the usual "what beliefs feel right to me, what sort of deity
do I think exists, does this religion or belief make sense to me and
feel like something I want to believe/like the right choice?" A lot
of Islam feels right to me, but at the same time there are some
relatively minor parts that don't, and there are parts of my current
beliefs that feel right as well. I don't know what to do other than
keep thinking on things and figuring it out. It'll turn out all right
in the end.
---
I'd normally chuck my spiel in at the end (schpiel? I've only ever
heard it pronounced, not spelled) but it's relevant to the last
paragraph and I feel like I should interject here and get it over
with. For clarity, Kaz typing, not the last guy.
I can respect questioning spiritual beliefs, but I don't think Islam
is the right choice. I respect it as a religion but I don't think
it fits him or the rest of us. I think he's seeking comfort and
structure, which is fine, but that he's also looking at it in a biased
way that'll fall apart. There's a reason we aren't a part of any
organized religions. They feel too controlling and forceful, even
the ones that are supposed to be peaceful. They tell you what to
believe and how to feel instead of asking you to question, and that's
a dangerous way to go about things imo. If you can't ask questions,
you can't evaluate where you're at or find something better. Yeah,
Islam has a loving god who isn't going to chuck everyone in hell for
existing, or do something off-the-wall. Neat. But that's not enough
for a belief system to feel right, at least in my opinion. The rest
has to be right too. A loving god defines a hell of a lot of religions
and I think he needs to ask a lot more questions about the beliefs as
opposed to the practices. IDK, I just think he's not really mulling it
over enough and wants to dive in the deep end like always. The guy
doesn't do things halfway, haha. He gets something in his head and
takes off sprinting towards it, even if it's a questionable idea. It's
gotten us in trouble before.
Okay, maybe I think Islam is... okay? Definitely elements of it are.
But again, he needs to think about it more and really consider what
it means to convert, what beliefs he'd be giving up that he considers
a core part of how he sees the world. He's got quite a lot of pagan
beliefs (as do I, though idk how different we are there) that are major
comforts for him, not to mention the whole witchcraft thing. Islam is
pretty explicitly against that and he hasn't really considered that.
Really, I'm just yelling at him for not thinking this through enough.
Sure, consider converting, but also weigh that against our life and
consider whether it feels better than our current beliefs. And consider
the bad parts too, the aspects that you don't like or disagree with.
Figure out what you want to do with that, because there will be things
we disagree with for certain, and what do you want to make of them?
You can't just discard them. They're there. You have to find a way to
either change to accept them, or rationalize them away and try to make
peace with doing something you're not supposed to, and it's not a good
situation. I mean, for crying out loud, tattoos. We have more planned
and find body customization to be decently important as a way to mark
where we've been and who we are, and that's a hard no from Islam. There's
more. Think those things through too instead of idealizing, okay? Give
it the full thought a decision of this weight deserves. This is a big
life change to consider and it needs a lot of thought with minimal bias.
Alright, that's my lecture done. He's probably never going to read it,
haha. I'll chuck it in our personal notes and hope he sees it there
if he doesn't look here. He should see it there at some point, especially
since I think he knows I'm writing this. Maybe.
Anyway, I'll let you get back to reading the rest of what he wrote. He
wrote it all in one burst but I just wanted to shove this here so it
was right next to the context.
---
Found out that a collective member we thought had integrated into
someone else is still around as himself. I'll be honest, not sure
how to feel about it. He was out the last two days and repeatedly
expressed not wanting to exist and being depressed. I'm worried
about him. Trying to help him as much as we can and it's hard
because he doesn't believe he deserves to be happy. Depression is
a tricky thing. He also completely missed the last 8 months of our
life, so that's one heck of a catch-up to do. He doesn't want to know
most of it though, and with 2020 being what it was, I can't blame him.
I think most of us have half-blocked that whole year out after March.
He updated our personal site. Good changes, kudos to him. Added his
own page, a page for someone that definitely wouldn't write their own
but is okay being listed (and frankly should be listed), and tweaked
an explanation on the About page to make it make more sense. Oh, for
clarity, not our town site. Our Neocities site. That could get mixed-
up but the Neocities site is linked from our town site, so you'll get
there eventually.
He found a song that gets a strong emotional response. Good music too.
Unfold by Porter Robinson. Not what I usually go for but I like it.
