Finally took the leap and reinstalled to encrypt
our laptop- should have done that the first time,
but oh well. Everything is set up the way it was
now and much cleaner. Thank goodness for documenting
all the changes we made and keeping good backups!
Up and running about an hour after install with
most of what we need. Worrying that we may have
missed something but it doesn't seem like it. And
if we did, we'll be reminded when we need it.
Felt really angry last night at a pattern in our
life. Friendships turn into us being the caretaker
of the other person without getting much, if anything,
in return. We give everything we have until we break.
It's exhausting but when we try to avoid it and keep
distance, we don't feel any emotional intimacy with
other people and it's lonely. I don't know what we
can do about that. Either we don't connect or we
connect too much. There's no winning. I know
there must be some sort of middle ground, but we've
yet to find it.
On the plus side, that's the first time I've felt
anger in at least a year, if not longer. I'm usually
blocked off from that emotion. It was too dangerous
to feel when we were a kid and I never had access to
it as protection. But now I struggle to feel it when
I need to, which means I struggle a lot with boundaries.
Usually I just get sad.
Not much happened otherwise today. Anxious because we
have a lot to do tomorrow, but I know it'll be fine
and we can get through it all. Plus, tamales for lunch
make life much better. I absolutely adore bean tamales.
Honestly, I would eat the tamales even if they weren't
filled with anything.
