Oh wow, does it count as a new day already? When is rollover?
Sway is still working well- brightness keys aren't cooperating but
we're working on it and using the command line to change it in the
meantime. Side note, cmus is a pretty great terminal music player.
Been using it all day and it works beautifully! I wonder if we
could get it to output the playing song onto Waybar?
The dog's been very playful today and it's adorable. She might be
older, but she can still move! She keeps taking toys with her out
the doggy door to play keep-away, and then overheating because it's
hot out there.
Doing pretty good today- going to try out a few games that were
recommended. Noctis and KeeperRL. We need something to fill time tbh.
In a bit of an odd mood today. Not philosophical per se, but something
close. It's hard to articulate. I guess I'm just wondering about
purpose and meaning.
---
Hi. I don't want to butt in but he said we could talk here. I don't
know if I should put my name in here or what. I put a line there and
I hope that's okay. I don't know what else to do. I don't know
people here and I don't want to be a bother. I don't get to talk to
people a lot.
I feel sad today. I don't know why. I feel like I'm failing people or
bad even though I don't talk to anybody or do anything. I want to talk
to people but it scares me because I don't think people will like me and
I don't want to get hurt. People hurt each other a lot and it's not safe.
But I'm lonely too because I don't talk to anybody and I don't know how
to fix that.
Should I put my name here? I don't know. We didn't talk about this. I
don't know what I'm supposed to do. I just know I can talk here because
he said it's safe to. I feel bad because I kind of interupted him but I
didn't decide to do that. It just happens. But I feel bad. He says it's
okay but I still feel bad.
His music is really busy. I don't like it a lot. It's too loud. I should
make my own music so I can play that instead of his. I think I'll go make
it after this.
I think maybe I should say who I am? It's weird if I don't. Is it weird?
This is kind of weird already but it's more weird if I don't. I go by
HG online because I don't like giving my real name to strangers. I think
names are really private. I like how people talk about the fae and true
names. It feels like that to me. I use she/her and it/its pronouns. He
uses they/them for other people but says I can call him a he. He's the one
talking here usually. He does a lot of talking. I think he's scared to be
quiet. He's scared people will leave him or not want him so he talks to try
to make sure they don't.
---
Gah, I get yanked back by a phone call from a parent and see a whole ramble.
That happened. Glad she felt safe at least? Bit of whiplash from that tbh and
she's still hovering behind me waiting for the phone call to end so she can
keep typing. I think it's cathartic for her to get things out. I wish I could
help her with feeling safe around people, but that's a lot of bad history to
undo and it's not a quick fix.
It's always weird to come back and find whole paragraphs you don't remember
writing. Kind of trippy, honestly. You get sort of used to it but it's still
weird.
..Going to tactically brush over the whole being scared thing because I don't
know if she's right or not. :')
A few hours later- I'm cackling. I've been fighting with a .desktop file not
showing up in wofi, finally found out that desktop-file-validate exists, and
learned that .desktop files don't like tildes. Replaced the tilde, works
perfectly. I spent a half hour on this, dangit! :'D
___
Depressing talk and suicide talk ahead- don't worry, we're not in danger of
suicide and aren't suicidal right now, but the subject pertains to it anyway.
Aaaaand apparently today is NOT a new day yet. Rollover must be a wonky time.
Would normally wait to write more but we had a rough night and I have to get
it out. Nightmares about dying again, specifically of our sister murdering us
with an insulin overdose (our sister is very nice in actuality, think she was
just jammed in there as a placeholder person in the dream). Woke up exhausted
and sad, bit scared too, same as usual for death dreams. Knowing our track
record, we'll have a few more days of nightmares, so we're not going to be very
well-rested for a bit. Oh well, we'll live. It just sucks. I'd really like to
not dream about dying, especially not in ways with some pretty clear suicide
overtones. Back when we were regularly suicidal, insulin overdose was one of
the plans that was most promising, and if we'd done anything then it would have
been that and then driving or walking somewhere remote so no one would stop it.
We had it thought through in quite a bit of detail and sometimes it still bugs
us.
At least we have good distractions today to hopefully shake this off. Picked up
Noctis IV after someone we know enthused over it- the controls are horrendous
but the game itself is really fun. Also getting back into dwarf fortress- wish
us luck, we suck at not losing. That game is Fun in a whole other way ;)
Also doing a backup today to save the new config files, which is taking ages-
we have an automated script to do this, but sometimes it manages to screw up in
new and interesting ways that force us to yet again fix the drive.
