today i went to my grandfather's yahrzeit. he was a quiet, stoic, almost
deadbeat man, and i don't feel very strongly about him, but i felt like i had
to go to support my dad, who himself was only there to support his mother and
aunts.
it was my first time going to a "real cemetery". i had been to mount herzl once
or twice, where fallen soldiers are buried with respect and pride, and there are
gardens and trees and dirt signifying life, but this cemetery was fit to be
called a grave-yard. sand and concrete and graves as far as the eye can see felt
unbecoming of a place meant to commemorate the dead. factories and semitrailers
and construction noise drowned out the wails and sobs of an older woman ten or
so spots away.
we arrived early with a jerrycan of wiper fluid ready to clean the gravestone,
only to find out that it was already relatively clean. some people had left
small pebbles on the stone signifying they had paid their respects. we wiped
them onto the concrete, along with what little dust had accumulated.
as a small crowd started forming around the gravestone, lighthearted small talk
and chatter of the coping kind slowly turned into getting ready to read together
a piece of biblical writing. i was idly talking with my brother in the side when
suddenly everyone started reading from a booklet and my dad whispered at us to
join in. i tried my best to keep up with the reading, my mind racing with other
kinds of thoughts, until we finished reading. an aunt managed to find two haredi
men willing to read a kadish with us.
just as we finished reading from the booklet, a corvid of some sort appeared and
started making a mess of some of the flowers in nearby gravestones, dunking its
head in vases to drink the water inside. a family member hurriedly went and put
the flowers back in their place.
my grandfather didn't have the terms in his head to figure out i was
transgender, but he noticed that something was up, and let my parents know that
he is okay with whatever i choose to do with my life. i wish i knew about that
conversation before he passed. maybe i would have come out to him.
