2024-09-08 from the editor of ~insom
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Another post about my health. Feel free to skip if you're
reading for tech feels and thoughts.
I'm still feeling good and bad -- if I had to guess my
symptoms are worse but less frequent. I am not sure that I
consider that a good bargain, but I don't feel like I have
any control over it anyway. I start with a specialist
physiotherapist on Wednesday for vestibular issues. Let's
see how this goes! Some of my symptoms map on to BPPV, which
is treated this way; others decidedly do not.
I've felt pretty strong despair over this recently: this
could just be how I am. And if that's the case then that
puts limits on my potential. It feels like I have nothing
much left over, in the ability to concentrate and literally
(and figuratively) focus, after work. Ideas and
side-projects build up but won't get done. I might be as
good as I ever get in my hobbies and my profession.
It's unhealthy talk and thoughts and so I permit myself to
feel them acutely and then try and move past (instead of
trying to not feel them at all). Sometimes it takes going to
bed and waking up okay the next morning.
The feedback loop here is so broken: of the many things that
I have already tried and the things that I am going to try,
maybe some are working. Maybe some are making things worse.
Cause seems so detached from effect. Maybe it's literally
random and I am trying to find patterns that aren't there,
or pick a factor which is actually confounded by something
else.
(I recently thought that I was making real progress with
both air quality and something-in-my-house as factors, until
I had an acute attack on a day with pristine air quality and
outside of my home. Failed experiment or random chance? Who
can know!)
