2023-08-06 from the editor of ~insom
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In October 2022 I caught COVID. I want to say it was a mild
case because I don't think I have any long term effects -
and of course, because so many people have died of it - but
it is also just about the worst that I have felt in a very
long time.
I spent four or five days essentially alone, trying to keep
from passing it on to my family. I slept sporadically, read,
listened to long-form essays. I was in our spare room and
the leaves were late into changing. I had a great view of
them through two windows. I realised how lucky I was.
I felt extremely down. I remember one point where I thought
that if I died that would be fine - I'd had a good life and
have no big unfulfilled wishes. My children are grown, my
wife would be okay.
That thought was probably the single thing that lead to me
seeking out therapy, which has made a huge positive change
in my life and wellbeing. After years of mastering all sorts
of skills (mostly for money, sometimes for fun), I had to
learn how to be content and how to let myself experience
joy.
After some more reflection, I think that those four days
stuck in the spare room are the closest thing I have ever
had to going to a retreat. Yes; I was fevered and sick and
taking medicine and not exactly in the right frame of mind.
But I was also just ... alone with my thoughts for an
extended period in a way that never happens.
I've read about people going on retreats - not being sure it
would be for me. My father and my brother did a pilgrimage
to Lough Derg. It is three days of fasting and quiet
contemplation, barefoot - including a 24 hour vigil. It
never appealed to me before.
I take the time regularly to sit with my thoughts, think
about how I'm thinking. I journal, I take notes, I record
memos of how I am feeling. I try and do more of the good
things and less of the bad things.
Maybe I need to find a way to have these long detoxifying
periods in my life, without catching a respiratory disease.
