Thinking randomly about how I don't read my previous stuff before
writing a feels log for a new day.
Had a nightmare last night that I was in university again, only it looked
like high school and people were shuffled around in their roles. The
nightmare was that I was 30 minutes late to class.
Thinking about my degree again. Majoring in physics in *Canada* of all
places is... just such a bad decision. You need a P. Eng to get any
engineering job. People claim it's a very versatile degree, but I'm just.
Talked to a friend of mine last night and it's just not easy to market.
I don't know what else I could have done, though. Fucking. I've been going
with the advice I've been given, just do what I like + think I'd be good
at + is in STEM. Terrible advice.
I think I'm just kind of reaching for things to blame. I keep thinking
about maybe killing myself and "starting over" which is weird because
I've never once believed in reincarnation.
I went into physics because it was my big interest in high school. I
thought since everyone always told me I could do science that I could
make that into a job, somehow. Go academia and all that. I didn't want
to do CS because I was intimidated, and I didn't want to do engineering
because it made my parents miserable. So. Now I'm regretting not just
sucking it up. Then again there's no guarantee I'd've made it in those
fields either. Not like I've even done much yet. I don't know.
I just. Don't know why I feel so terrible when I actually write it
down, but I still do. Just feeling terrible.
