I guess I just feel like this shakes my identity. I also feel like I should
have thought further ahead. I'm like. This whole time I've been stressed
about graduating *on time* and I kept just taking more and more courses
per term. I should have left off some of the harder ones. I should have
withdrawn from some courses. I should not have taken courses at all while
I was stressing over co-op. I don't know how other people managed to stay
in co-op while also taking courses according to the recommended sequence.
I knew people who straight up failed some courses and I've never failed
a course and it's making me feel petty and small because on some chilidsh
level I feel like that should count for something. I don't want to be
labeled as "less academically inclined" when I've dedicated my whole life
up to now to just studying. I don't understand why any of this is making
me spiral into despair multiple times per day, and why it's only starting
now, half a month after my last exam.
I'm also comparing myself to people who are doing way better than me
because those are the people actually sharing their averages. I'm doing
analysis on my degree just trying to figure out what I should have done
differently.
I should have withdrawn from Waves, E&M the course, which would have meant
withdrawing from the lab as well. I should have withdrawn from Differential
Equations, then Optics & the associated lab. I flat out should not have
taken all the courses I did while also struggling with co-op worries.
The fucked thing is that I didn't even remember taking those courses while
taking courses that they are prerequisites for. I should not have taken
Spring term courses at all. I should have withdrawn from that econ elective
and damned the loss of OSAP funds. All of these "should have"s would have
gotten my average to about 80. This is 14 withdrawals that weigh
as much as 24 lecture courses. At 5 lectures per term (maximum),
taking these courses would last another 5 terms, or 2 years (accounting
for Spring term things). Would that be worth it? Right now I want to
believe that isn't worth it. But it still haunts me.
Talked with my mom about it. She told me that withdrawing from stuff is
what she did and that's the reason she never finished her degree. I have
to convince myself that finishing it at all is a good thing. I just wish
it didn't cost so much. Based on data from Statistics Canada, I'm actually
graduating with less starting debt than the average. The big sticking
points coming to mind right now are the forced re-closeting and losing
a community. I have contacts from people to talk to but god. Literally
took me until my final year to find a space where it didn't feel like an
uphill battle to keep in touch with people and now I'll be gone. I feel
abandoned even though logically it's me who's supposed to move on.
My mom says that even my grade isn't too bad considering the rigor and
reputation of my uni. Some people I know have said employers specifically
prefer my uni. But my problem is that most people (including me) chose
this place because of the co-op program but I had to withdraw from it
and then just sunk-cost-fallacied my way through the rest of my program.
I did consider switching universities but I had vivid nightmares about
that. I was worried about retaking courses at the time, now it's something
I only wish I had done.
The good news is I'm fortunate enough to take time to regroup. The bad
news is that I need to recloset myself and stop HRT. And performing
femininity for job interviews and such is going to be painful.
