1. How To Grow A Beard
1.1. Sexual maturity
1.2. Genetics
1.3. Shaving (Don't)
2. Maintenance and Care
2.1. Brushing
2.2. Oils and Balms
2.3. Trimming
3. Dangers and Cautions
4. Extra Content
4.1. Beards in literature and poetry
4.2. Beards That I've Known
4.3. Beards Throughout Time!
How To Grow A Beard
===================
If you want to grow a beard but aren't sure how to grow a beard, then this is
the guide for you! Keep reading for instructions for how to grow a beard!
## Sexual maturity ##
Go through puberty, and have a bunch of testosterone.
Beards are secondary sexual traits, because they are unique to one sex but are
not directly involved in reproduction. So you pretty much need to be, for the
most part, sexually mature and male.
## Genetics ##
Genetics. Depending on your genes, you might be able to grow a really radical
beard, or you might not be able to grow much of one at all. Native Americans,
for example, don't have much body hair and can't grow much of a beard. Native
Japanese, however, can grow some pretty rockin beards! All just by virture of
their genetics.
## Shaving (Don't) ##
Don't shave.
If you're thinking about shaving, don't. That will cause you to not have a
beard. The number one way to have a beard is to not shave, and the primary
side effect of not shaving is a beard.
If you've done well at all the steps up to this point, eventually you will
have a beard! People might comment or congratuate on your beard, at which
point you can be like, Thanks! It might seem like some kind of an
accomplishment, but really all I had to do was _not_ do anything. It's really
quite the opposite of doing something. I just literally do nothing, and then
it just grows.
Maintenance and Care
====================
Make sure your beard is good and not nasty! Nobody likes a weird beard or one
that is too crazy!
## Brushing ##
One thing that will help tame and shape your beard is brushing your beard. Get
yourself a nice brush, maybe a nice soft boar bristle one, and brush your
beard for a while once or twice or three times a week. It'll look better and
it'll brush out any skin cells and stuff that might be stuck in your beard.
## Oils and Balms ##
A couple drops of beard oil a day is a great thing because it'll make your
beard look shiny and smooth and it will also keep your beard skin nice and
moisturized and can go a long way to preventing an itchy beard.
For a balm, I have a medium hold matte balm that I use for my hair, and I just
use a tiny bit of that on my beard to help shape it and hold it in place.
## Trimming ##
Honsetly, I'm not that good at trimming my own beard. I recommend finding a
barber/stylist you like that can shape and trim your beard for you when you go
in for a haircut.
Dangers and Cautions
====================
- sometimes when I'm drinking from an aluminum can my mustache hair gets
caught in the pull tab and it hurts real bad
- dogs and young humans might become scared of you if you grow a large/thick
beard because they cannot see all of your face and this is frightening. Only
grow a beard if you okay with being feared by some animals including some
humans.
- sometimes when you're eating something crumbly or something creamy you can
get crumbs and/or cream (sauce) stuck in your beard. This is embarrassing
because of how slovenly and unhygenic it looks. But it is easily remidied
with a quick hand wipe, or if you are especially dapper you can carry around
a handkerchief or a pocket square for just this occassion and impress
everybody with how classy and prepared you are.
Extra Content
=============
Bonus beard stuff!
## Beards in literature and poetry ##
My beard grows down to my toes,
I never wears no clothes,
I wraps my hair
Around my bare,
And down the road I goes.
Shel Silverstein
---
One of my favorite books is _The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter_ by Carson McCullers
and one of my favorite characters is Biff Brannon.
He is constantly described as having a blue black, iron like beard and that
image was always striking to me.
>He was a hard man of middle height, with a beard so dark and heavy that the
>lower part of his face looked as though it were molded of iron.
It was such a such an image of virility and masculinity that it was very
significant to me later in the book when he started privately exhibiting more
feminine traits like sewing and wearing his wife's perfume.
## Beards That I've Known ##
1. My dad. When I was little, he had a beard that was black and soft but then
he shaved it off and was clean shaven for a long time and when he grew it
again many years later it was black and white and red and brown and blond
it was a beard of many colors
2. My uncle has always had a beard for as long as I've know him, and longer.
It has always looked the same.
## Beards Throughout Time! ##
Historical beards and the historical figures who wore them.
### Edward Teach
That's right, Edward Friggin Teach. The only person in history to have a beard
so epic and terrible and frightening that if you ask the average joe on the
street if they've ever heard of this person, they'll be like, Edward Who?
Until, that is, you tell them the name by which he became famous, which is
Blackbeard the MF-ing Pirate.
This dude was no slouch! He had a long beard that he wore in braids, and he
braided black ribbons into it so it looked all crazy, and then when he went on
raids, he would put slow burning rope into his beard and his hair and light
them on fire so that he would be bathed in a cloud of spooky looking smoke.
If I were to rate these practices for the modern non-pirate bearded
gentleperson, I would give the following ratings.
1. Braiding: 10/10
If your beard is long enough and thick enough to wear in braids then I 100%
think you should wear some friggin braids. That would be awesome.
2. Ribbons: 8/10
Difficult to pull off, but if done well, then hell yeah. I'm picturing
pretty, colorful ribbons woven into your braids that match a smart suit at
some kind of fancy event. Smashing!
3. Smoke: 0/10
This seems like a bad idea unless you are trying to be a spooky
intimidating pirate, and even then I do not recommend it! Too much risk of
lighting your dang beard on fire! Also the smoke is very drying and
damaging for your skin and your beard, and there is also the risk of smoke
inhalation which is a very dangerous thing. That's how Jack Pearson died
after all!
