xtcc: Case 185 Social Media Comment Compression
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Social media is consuming resources at an alarming rate.
Every day, users post roughly 40 million tweets and 3.5
billion Facebook messages alone 1 . . . In addition to
which, we have Google Plus, Kinja, Reddit, LiveJournal2, and
so on . . .
Fortunately, semantic analysis of the traffic reveals a
staggering amount of duplication. So to reduce bandwidth
consumption, storage space, and work hours lost to “texting
thumb”,3 I propose a new standardized menu that reduces each
social media comment to a simple five-bit number (0 to 31):
“Like” (or “Plus 1”)
“Hate” (or “Minus 1”)
“Whatever” (or “Times 1”)
tl;dr
LOL
SMH
LOLSMH
ZOMGROTFLMAOSMH [don’t try this IRL].
Obligatory XKCD.
Irrelevant trivia.
Snark.
Boojum.
A picture of your lunch.
A picture of your junk.
A picture of the “that’s enough internet for today” cat.
“Firefly” quote.
Pun.
Worse pun.
Small unfunny joke made at expense of absent partner/spouse,
giving readers a glimpse into the seething bitterness
underlying your joyless relationship.
Creepy attempt at flirting, via sexual innuendo followed by
;-)
Clumsy attempt to cover up flirting, via “j/k” followed by
;-)
Trolling.
Vaguebooking.
Sycophantic mollycoddling [now illegal in Indiana].
Drunken confession [adjust security settings to disable].
Sweeping generalization.
#NotAll___.
Observation that YOUR gender/religion/political party does
something EVEN WORSE.
Argumentum Ad Hominem.
F-bombs away!
Invocation of Godwin’s Law [automatically ends thread].
I made $6400/week working at home, using this one trick
invented by a mom to enlarge your penis: ask me how! 4
1 Statistics courtesy of this site.
2 No, really, LiveJournal is still around. Snopes confirmed
it.
3 “Texting Thumb” is a thing that is real. It’s formally
known as De Quervain’s Syndrome.
4 90% of all Internet traffic is this, according to a
statistic that I made up just now.
