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# 2024-11-14 - All About Love by bell hooks | |
A friend recommended this book to me. My friend liked the story | |
about bell hooks having a dream that she would meet the love of her | |
life. Then at a conference, she met a man who eerily resembled the | |
love of her dream. They really hit it off. Later she discovered | |
that he was married, and she felt confused and disappointed. How | |
could he be such an identical match to her dream, but unavailable? | |
It wasn't until later that she realized that it was a missed | |
opportunity. She had been attached to the idea that it would be a | |
romantic type of love, when it could have been a different and | |
equally important love. | |
I personally did not enjoy this book as much as The Will To Change. | |
I had trouble identifying with many of the author's perspectives and | |
points. But as they say in yoga philosophy, keep what helps and | |
discard the rest. | |
The Will To Change by bell hooks | |
I liked the idea of having a "love ethic" where a person is | |
determined to choose life instead of death and committed to nurturing | |
the conditions so that love can exist. I like the idea that this | |
love ethic is not compatible with a culture of domination. | |
I disagree with the idea that love is the will to extend oneself for | |
the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. | |
For example, i loved my grandmother dearly. This love uplifted me. | |
Because i cared about my grandmother, i was willing to do dirty jobs | |
that would normally be unpleasant. I was focused on her well-being | |
rather than my own pleasure. This doesn't mean that i was committed | |
to her spiritual growth or even to my own. I just cared. | |
I disagree with the idea that love cannot coexist with abuse. As | |
finite human beings we cannot be purely one thing or another. Love | |
will always have a degree of abuse in it, and abuse will always have | |
a degree of love. This means that we are always redeemable. I admit | |
that the abuse is not love, and it diminishes love. In order to be | |
more loving, one would need to be less abusive. | |
What follows are excerpts from the book. | |
# Introduction | |
There are not many public discussions of love in our culture right | |
now. At best, popular culture is the one domain in which our longing | |
for love is talked about. | |
As spokesperson for a disillusioned generation, Elizabeth Wurtzel | |
asserts in Bitch: In Praise of Difficult Women: "None of us are | |
getting better at loving: we are getting more scared of it. We were | |
not given good skills to begin with, and the choices we make have | |
tended only to reinforce our sense that it is hopeless and useless." | |
It is far easier to talk about loss than it is to talk about love. It | |
is easier to articulate the pain of love's absence than to describe | |
its presence and meaning in our lives. | |
# Chapter 1 | |
I spent years searching for a meaningful definition of the word | |
"love," and was deeply relieved when I found one in psychiatrist | |
M. Scott Peck's classic self-help book The Road Less Traveled, first | |
published in 1978. Echoing the work of Erich Fromm, he defines love | |
as "the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's | |
own or another's spiritual growth." Explaining further, he continues: | |
"Love is as love does. Love is an act of will--namely, both an | |
intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to | |
love. We choose to love." Since the choice must be made to nurture | |
growth, this definition counters the more widely accepted assumption | |
that we love instinctually. | |
When we understand love as the will to nurture our own and another's | |
spiritual growth, it becomes clear that we cannot claim to love if we | |
are hurtful and abusive. Love and abuse cannot coexist. Abuse and | |
neglect are, by definition, the opposites of nurturance and care. | |
Most of us find it difficult to accept a definition of love that says | |
we are never loved in a context where there is abuse. Most | |
psychologically and/or physically abused children have been taught by | |
parenting adults that love can coexist with abuse. | |
In order to change the lovelessness in my primary relationships, I | |
had to first learn anew the meaning of love and from there learn how | |
to be loving. Embracing a definition of love that was clear was the | |
first step in the process. | |
To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a | |
feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner | |
automatically assumes accountability and responsibility. ... We are | |
often taught we have no control over our "feelings." Yet most of us | |
accept that we choose our actions, that intention and will inform | |
what we do. We also accept that our actions have consequences. To | |
think of actions shaping feelings is one way we rid ourselves of | |
conventionally accepted assumptions... | |
# Chapter 2 | |
One of the most important social myths we must debunk if we are to | |
become a more loving culture is the one that teaches parents that | |
abuse and neglect can coexist with love. Abuse and neglect negate | |
love. Care and affirmation, the opposite of abuse and humiliation, | |
are the foundation of love. No one can rightfully claim to be loving | |
when behaving abusively. Yet parents do this all the time in our | |
culture. | |
# Chapter 3 | |
It is no accident that when we first learn about justice and fair | |
play as children it is usually in a context where the issue is one of | |
telling the truth. The heart of justice is truth telling, seeing | |
ourselves and the world the way it is rather than the way we want it | |
to be. | |
Estrangement from feelings makes it easier for men to lie because | |
they are often in a trance state, utilizing survival strategies of | |
asserting manhood that they learned as boys. This inability to | |
connect with others carries with it an inability to assume | |
responsibility for causing pain. | |
While privacy strengthens all our bonds, secrecy weakens and damages | |
connection. Lerner points out that we do not usually "know the | |
emotional costs of keeping a secret" until the truth is disclosed. | |
Usually, secrecy involves lying. And lying is always the setting for | |
potential betrayal and violation of trust. | |
[The reason for secrecy is often because it is not safe to disclose | |
the secret. To do so would result in futher harm and injury.] | |
Widespread cultural acceptance of lying is a primary reason many of | |
us will never know love. It is impossible to nurture one's own or | |
another's spiritual growth when the core of one's being and identity | |
is shrouded in secrecy and lies. Trusting that another person always | |
intends your good, having a core foundation of loving practice, | |
cannot exist within a context of deception. | |
When we hear another person's thoughts, beliefs, and feelings, it is | |
more difficult to project on to them our perceptions of who they are. | |
It is harder to be manipulative. | |
To be loving we willingly hear each other's truth and, most | |
important, we affirm the value of truth telling. Lies may make people | |
feel better, but they do not help them to know love. | |
# Chapter 4 | |
Commitment to truth telling lays the groundwork for the openness and | |
honesty that is the heartbeat of love. When we can see ourselves as | |
we truly are and accept ourselves, we build the necessary foundation | |
for self-love. | |
Using a working definition of love that tells us it is the action we | |
take on behalf of our own or another's spiritual growth provides us | |
with a beginning blueprint for working on the issue of self-love. | |
When we see love as a combination of trust, commitment, care, | |
respect, knowledge, and responsibility, we can work on developing | |
these qualities or, if they are already a part of who we are, we can | |
learn to extend them to ourselves. | |
The wounded heart learns self-love by first overcoming low | |
self-esteem. Nathaniel Branden's lengthy work Six Pillars of | |
Self-Esteem highlights important dimensions of self-esteem, "the | |
practice of living consciously, self-acceptance, self-responsibility, | |
self-assertiveness, living purposefully and the practice of personal | |
integrity." Living consciously means we think critically about | |
ourselves and the world we live in. We dare to ask ourselves the | |
basic questions who, what, when, where, and why. Answering these | |
questions usually provides us with a level of awareness that | |
enlightens. | |
The more we accept ourselves, the better prepared we are to take | |
responsibility in all areas of our lives. Commenting on this third | |
pillar of self-esteem, Branden defines self-responsibility as the | |
willingness "to take responsibility for my actions and the attainment | |
of my goals--for my life and well-being." ... Taking responsibility | |
means that in the face of barriers we still have the capacity to | |
invent our lives, to shape our destinies in ways that maximize our | |
well-being. | |
Doing a job well, even if we do not enjoy what we are doing, means | |
that we leave it with a feeling of well-being, our self-esteem | |
intact. That self-esteem aids us when we go in search of a job that | |
can be more fulfilling. | |
Folks who are out of the paid workforce, women and men who do unpaid | |
work in the home, as well as all other happily unemployed people, are | |
often doing what they want to do. While they are not rewarded by an | |
income, their day-to-day life often provides more satisfaction than | |
it would if they worked at a high-paying job in a stressful and | |
dehumanizing environment. ... They are their own bosses, setting the | |
terms of their labor and the measure of their reward. More than any | |
of us, they have the freedom to develop right livelihood. | |
One of the best guides to how to be self-loving is to give ourselves | |
the love we are often dreaming about receiving from others. | |
# Chapter 5 | |
Living life in touch with divine spirit lets us see the light of love | |
in all living beings. ... A culture that is dead to love can only be | |
resurrected by spiritual awakening. | |
Usually, fundamentalists, be they Christian, Muslim, or any faith, | |
shape and interpret religious thought to make it conform to and | |
legitimize a conservative status quo. Fundamentalist thinkers use | |
religion to justify supporting imperialism, militarism, sexism, | |
racism, homophobia. They deny the unifying message of love that is at | |
the heart of every major religious tradition. | |
No wonder then that so many people who claim to believe in religious | |
teachings do not allow their habits of being to reflect these | |
beliefs. For example, the Christian church remains one of the most | |
racially segregated institutions in our society. | |
Spiritual life is first and foremost about commitment to a way of | |
thinking and behaving that honors principles of inter-being and | |
interconnectedness. When I speak of the spiritual, I refer to the | |
recognition within everyone that there is a place of mystery in our | |
lives where forces that are beyond human desire or will alter | |
circumstances and/or guide and direct us. | |
When we begin to experience the sacred in our everyday lives we bring | |
to mundane tasks a quality of concentration and engagement that lifts | |
the spirit. We recognize divine spirit everywhere. This is especially | |
true when we face difficulties. So many people turn to spiritual | |
thinking only when they experience difficulties, hoping that the | |
sorrow or pain will just miraculously disappear. Usually, they find | |
that the place of suffering--the place where we are broken in spirit, | |
when accepted and embraced, is also a place of peace and possibility. | |
Our sufferings do not magically end; instead we are able to wisely | |
alchemically recycle them. They become the abundant waste that we use | |
to make new growth possible. | |
# Chapter 6 | |
Awakening to love can happen only as we let go of our obsession with | |
power and domination. ... The underlying values of a culture and its | |
ethics shape and inform the way we speak and act. A love ethic | |
presupposes that everyone has the right to be free, to live fully and | |
well. To bring a love ethic to every dimension of our lives, our | |
society would need to embrace change. | |
Commitment to a love ethic transforms our lives by offering us a | |
different set of values to live by. In large and small ways, we make | |
choices based on a belief that honesty, openness, and personal | |
integrity need to be expressed in public and private decisions. | |
Embracing a love ethic means that we utilize all the dimensions of | |
love--care, commitment, trust, responsibility, respect, and | |
knowledge--in our everyday lives. We can successfully do this only by | |
cultivating awareness. Being aware enables us to critically examine | |
our actions to see what is needed so that we can give care, be | |
responsible, show respect, and indicate a willingness to learn. | |
Understanding knowledge as an essential element of love is vital | |
because we are daily bombarded with messages that tell us love is | |
about mystery, about that which cannot be known. We see movies in | |
which people are represented as being in love who never talk with one | |
another, who fall into bed without ever discussing their bodies, | |
their sexual needs, their likes and dislikes. Indeed, the message | |
received from the mass media is that knowledge makes love less | |
compelling; that it is ignorance that gives love its erotic and | |
transgressive edge. These messages are often brought to us by | |
profiteering producers who have no clue about the art of loving, who | |
substitute their mystified visions because they do not really know | |
how to genuinely portray loving interaction. | |
To live our lives based on the principles of a love ethic (showing | |
care, respect, knowledge, integrity, and the will to cooperate), we | |
have to be courageous. Learning how to face our fears is one way we | |
embrace love. Our fear may not go away, but it will not stand in the | |
way. | |
# Chapter 7 | |
While emotional needs are difficult, and often are impossible to | |
satisfy, material desires are easier to fulfill. Our nation fell into | |
the trap of pathological narcissim in the wake of wars that brought | |
economic bounty while undermining the vision of freedom and justice | |
essential to sustaining democracy. | |
Relationships of intimacy and closeness are destroyed as the addicted | |
individual participates in a greedy search for satisfaction. Greed | |
characterizes the nature of this pursuit because it is unending; the | |
desire is ongoing and can never be fully satisfied. | |
The need for instant gratification is a component of greed. | |
Concurrently, when it comes to matters of the heart we are encouraged | |
to treat partners as though they were objects we can pick up, use, | |
and then discard and dispose of at will, with the one criteria being | |
whether or not individualistic desires are satisfied. | |
When greedy consumption is the order of the day, dehumanization | |
becomes acceptable. Then, treating people like objects is not only | |
acceptable but is required behavior. | |
I once asked a rich man, who had only recently attained his status, | |
what he liked most about his new wealth. He said that he liked seeing | |
what money could make people do, how it could make them shift and | |
violate their values. He personified the culture of greed. His | |
pleasure in being wealthy was grounded in the desire to not only have | |
more than others but to use that power to degrade and humiliate them. | |
To maintain and satisfy greed, one must support domination. And the | |
world of domination is always a world without love. | |
Greed subsumes love and compassion; living simply makes room for | |
them. Living simply is the primary way everyone can resist greed | |
every day. | |
We can all resist the temptation of greed. We can work to change | |
public policy, electing leaders who are honest and progressive. We | |
can turn off the television set. We can show respect for love. To | |
save our planet we can stop thoughtless waste. We can recycle and | |
support ecologically advanced survival strategies. We can celebrate | |
and honor communalism and interdependency by sharing resources. All | |
these gestures show a respect and a gratitude for life. When we value | |
the delaying of gratification and take responsibility for our | |
actions, we simplify our emotional universe. Living simply makes | |
loving simple. | |
# Chapter 8 | |
To ensure human survival everywhere in the world, females and males | |
organize themselves into communities. Communities sustain life--not | |
nuclear families, or the "couple," and certainly not the rugged | |
individualist. There is no better place to learn the art of loving | |
than in community. | |
Replacing the family community with a more privatized small | |
autocratic unit helped increase alienation and made abuses of power | |
more possible. | |
[Fewer people to hear you scream.] | |
The failure of the patriarchal nuclear family has been utterly | |
documented. Exposed as dysfunctional more often than not, as a place | |
of emotional chaos, neglect, and abuse, only those in denial continue | |
to insist that this is the best environment for raising children. | |
Research by anthropologists and sociologists indicates that small | |
privatized units, especially those organized around patriarchal | |
thinking, are unhealthy environments for everyone. Globally, | |
enlightened, healthy parenting is best realized within the context of | |
community and extended family networks. | |
When children are taught to enjoy quiet time, to be alone with their | |
thoughts and reveries, they carry this skill into adulthood. | |
Individuals young and old striving to overcome fears of being alone | |
often choose meditation practice as a way to embrace solitude. | |
The willingness to sacrifice is a necessary dimension of loving | |
practice and living in community. None of us can have things our way | |
all the time. Giving up something is one way we sustain a commitment | |
to the collective well-being. | |
# Chapter 10 | |
Few of us enter romantic relationships able to receive love. We fall | |
into romantic attachments doomed to replay familiar family dramas. | |
If you do not know what you feel, then it is difficult to choose | |
love; it is better to fall. Then you do not have to be responsible | |
for your actions. | |
I learned that we may meet a true love and that our lives may be | |
transformed by such an encounter even when it does not lead to sexual | |
pleasure, committed bonding, or even sustained contact. The myth of | |
true love--that fairy-tale vision of two souls who meet, join, and | |
live happily thereafter--is the stuff of childhood fantasy. Yet many | |
of us, female and male, carry these fantasies into adulthood and are | |
unable to cope with the reality of what it means either to have an | |
intense life-altering connection that will not lead to an ongoing | |
relationship or to be in a relationship. True love does not always | |
lead to happily ever after, and even when it does, sustaining love | |
still takes work. | |
The heartbeat of true love is the willingness to reflect on one's | |
actions, and to process and communicate this reflection with the | |
loved one. | |
# Chapter 11 | |
Love makes us feel more alive. Living in a state of lovelessness we | |
feel we might as well be dead; everything within us is silent and | |
still. We are unmoved. "Soul murder" is the term psychoanalysts use | |
to describe this state of living death. It echoes the biblical | |
declaration that "anyone who does not know love is still in death." | |
Cultures of domination court death. Hence the ongoing fascination | |
with violence, the false insistence that it is natural for the strong | |
to prey upon the weak, for the more powerful to prey upon the | |
powerless. | |
Much contemporary visionary work on death and dying has highlighted | |
learning how to love. | |
Just as the dying are often carted off so that the process of dying | |
will be witnessed by only a select few, grieving individuals are | |
encouraged to let themselves go only in private, in appropriate | |
settings away from the rest of us. Sustained grief is particularly | |
disturbing in a culture that offers a quick fix for any pain. | |
Love knows no shame. To be loving is to be open to grief, to be | |
touched by sorrow, even sorrow that is unending. The way we grieve is | |
informed by whether we know love. Since loving lets us let go of so | |
much fear, it also guides our grief. When we lose someone we love, we | |
can grieve without shame. | |
In its deepest sense, grief is a burning of the heart, an intense | |
heat that gives us solace and release. When we deny the full | |
expression of our grief, it lays like a weight on our hearts, causing | |
emotional pain and physical ailments. | |
The only way to live that life where, as Edith Piaf sings, we | |
"regret nothing" is by awakening to an awareness of the value of | |
right livelihood and right action. Understanding that death is always | |
with us can serve as the faithful reminder that the time to do what | |
we feel called to do is always now and not in some distant and | |
unimagined future. | |
To be here now does not mean that we do not make plans but that we | |
learn to give the making of future plans only a small amount of | |
energy. And once future plans are made, we release our attachment to | |
them. | |
# Chapter 12 | |
Growing up is, at heart, the process of learning to take | |
responsibility for whatever happens in your life. To choose growth is | |
to embrace a love that heals. | |
Healthy families resolve conflict without coercion, shaming, or | |
violence. When we collectively move our culture in the direction of | |
love, we may see these loving families represented more in the mass | |
media. They will become more visible in all walks of daily life. | |
Hopefully, we will then listen to these stories with the same | |
intensity that we have when we listen to narratives of violent pain | |
and abuse. When this happens, the visible happiness of functional | |
families will become part of our collective consciousness. | |
Life without communion in love with others would be less fulfilling | |
no matter the extent of one's self-love. | |
The rugged individual who relies on no one else is a figure who can | |
only exist in a culture of domination where a privileged few use more | |
of the world's resources than the many who must daily do without. | |
Worship of individualism has in part led us to the unhealthy culture | |
of narcissism that is so all pervasive in our society. | |
We cannot know love if we remain unable to surrender our attachment | |
to power, if any feeling of vulnerability strikes terror in our hearts. | |
# Chapter 13 | |
Our cultural passion for the angelic expresses our longing to be in | |
paradise, to return on earth to a time of connectedness and goodwill, | |
to a time when we were heart-whole. | |
Woundedness is not a cause for shame, it is necessary for spiritual | |
growth and awakening. | |
author: hooks, bell, 1952-2021 | |
detail: gopher://gopherpedia.com/0/Bell_hooks | |
LOC: BF575.L8 H655 | |
tags: book,love,non-fiction,philosophy | |
title: All About Love | |
# Tags | |
book | |
love | |
non-fiction | |
philosophy |