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# 2024-01-29 - Skills For Intimate Conversation by Dr. John Gottman
# Rule
The rule is that understanding must precede advice. In the Art &
Science of Love Workshop, Drs. John and Julie Gottman tell couples
that the goal of an intimate conversation is only to understand, not
to problem-solve. Premature problem solving tends to shut people
down. Problem solving should only begin when both people feel totally
understood.
# Skill 1: Putting Your Feelings Into Words
The first skill is being able to put one's feelings into words. This
skill was called "focusing" by master clinician Eugene Gendlin. He
said that when people are able to find the right images, phrases,
metaphors, and words to fit our feelings, there is a kind of
"resolution" one feels on one's body, an easing of tension. In
intimate conversations, focusing makes conversations about feelings
much deeper and more intimate, because the words reveal who we are.
Focusing by Eugene Gendlin
# Skill 2: Asking Open-Ended Questions
The second skill of intimate conversations is helping one's partner
explore her or his feelings by asking open-ended questions. This is
done by either asking targeted questions, like, "What is your
disaster scenario here?" or making specific statements that explore
feelings like, "Tell me the story of that!"
[IOW the classic news reporter questions:
Who? What? Where? When? Why? How?]
# Skill 3: Expressing Empathy (Validation)
The third skill is empathy, or validation. Empathy isn't easy. In an
intimate conversation, the first two skills help us sense and explore
another person's thoughts, feelings, and needs. Empathy is shown by
communication that these thoughts, feelings, and needs make sense to
you. That you understand why the other person's experience. That does
not mean that you necessarily agree with this person. You might, for
example, have an entirely different memory or interpretation of
events. Empathy means communicating that, given your partner's
perceptions, these thoughts, feelings, and needs are valid and make
sense. You have your own perceptions. Both of your perceptions are
valid.
[And NVC teaches that even a failed attempt at empathy is a better
start than no attempt at all.]
From: https://www.gottman.com/blog/dr-gottmans-3-skills-and-1-rule-for-intimate…
tags: article,connection,self-help
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