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# 2023-12-14 - Polysecure by Jessica Fern | |
A friend recommended this book. While i have heard of attachment | |
theory, i have never read it so clearly explained before now. This | |
book gave me some serious food for thought about my own attachment | |
styles. I would recommend this book for anyone who is or plans to | |
be in a relationship, even if not a polyamorous nor romantic | |
relationship. I was very interested to read about the different | |
types of emotional regulation, and recognized the patterns described, | |
both in myself and in others whom i know. This will take time to | |
digest and integrate, and i am sure it will affect how i think about | |
relationships in the future. Great result, for a book! | |
Below are notes with my comments in square brackets. | |
# Foreword | |
## Eve | |
Literature on polyamory has come a long way since The Ethical Slut | |
and Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits were first published in | |
'97. | |
Options began to proliferate in the late 2000's, with books like | |
Opening Up and many lesser-known titles. ... this wave of polyamory | |
practice presumed the centrality of a primary couple and popularized | |
a hierarchical model in which primary partners were to have rights | |
and safety that secondary or casual partners were not granted to the | |
same degree. | |
Then, in 2014, my co-author and I published More Than Two, attempting | |
to distill the last decade's worth of debate into an instruction | |
manual that promised a non-hierarchical, more egalitarian way of | |
thinking about polyamorous relationships. | |
## Naava | |
I watched, fascinated, as Fern firmly drew connections between | |
attachment theory and ethical polyamory with grace, style, and wit. | |
Fern's intervention is a ground-breaking development in the | |
trajectory of writing about ethical polyamory and relationships. | |
The tools provided here will be helpful for those who are practicing | |
ethical polyamory; they will also help those who are monogamous, who | |
also navigate dating, communicating needs, and making decisions about | |
commitment. Polysecure expands on the existing literature in a | |
significant--perhaps even paradigm-shifting way. | |
Fern is uniquely qualified to write this book. She is a | |
psychotherapist who is nonmonogamous and works with nonmonogamous | |
people and families. She holds a masters in conflict analysis and | |
resolution. | |
# Glossary | |
Compersion: The state of happiness, joy, or pleasure that comes from | |
delighting in other people's happiness. In nonmonogamy, this term is | |
more specifically used to refer to the positive feelings experienced | |
when your lover is having a positive experience with one of their | |
other lovers. | |
Consensual Nonmonogamy (CNM): The practice of having multiple sex | |
and/or romantic partners at the same time, where all people involved | |
are aware of this relationship arrangement and consent to it. | |
Metamour: Two people who share a partner, but are not romantically or | |
sexually involved with each other. | |
Monogamy: The practice of having one sex or romantic partner at a | |
time. | |
Mononormativity: This term was coined by Pieper and Baver to refer to | |
the socially dominant assumptions regarding the naturalness and | |
normalcy of monogamy, where political, popular, and psychological | |
narratives typically present monogamy as the superior, most | |
naturally, or morally correct way to do relationships. | |
Polysaturated: The point at which the thought of another relationship | |
leaves one feeling more exhausted than excited. When a polyamorous | |
person has as many significant and insignificant others as they think | |
that they can handle at a given time. | |
# Introduction | |
Attachment theory was developed in the 1960s by British psychologist | |
John Bowlby, but in the past several years, it has expanded its reach | |
outside of the academic and therapeutic spheres, becoming more | |
popularized in general public discourse regarding personal healing, | |
parenting, dating, marriages, and relationships. | |
Part 1 covers an overview of attachment theory and trauma. | |
Part 2 looks at the interaction of nonmonogamy and attachment theory. | |
Part 3 switches modes into a more practical look at what you and your | |
partners can do to cultivate secure attachment in attachment-based | |
polyamorous relationships. | |
# Chapter 1: An Overview of Attachment Theory | |
Healthy attachment is a deep bond and an enduring emotional closeness | |
that connects people to one another across space and time. As human | |
infants, we are born into this world with an attachment system that | |
wires us to expect connection with others. | |
When an infant feels fear, distress, or discomfort, there attachment | |
system is activated. This prompts them to quickly turn towards their | |
caretakers or use proximity-seeking behaviors such as crying, | |
reaching for, calling out or, later, crawling and following their | |
attachment figure. All these behaviors are attempts to restore | |
feelings of safety, and in many cases to restore actual safety, too. | |
If the child receives the support, reassurance, and comfort they need | |
from their caretaker, their nervous system then returns to a state of | |
calm homeostasis. Infants and children who can't yet fully regulate | |
their own emotional states depend on their caretakers to coregulate | |
for them... As children, we want to know that our attachment figures | |
are nearby and accessible. We need to know that they will provide us | |
with a safe haven to turn to when we need them, which then gives us a | |
secure base from which we can explore our environment. When our | |
attachment needs are being met, this system enables us to feel | |
comfortable and free to explore ourselves, others, and the world | |
around us. | |
If their caretakers are able to meet most of their needs enough of | |
the time, children usually have a secure attachment. But if they | |
experience their parents as inconsistent, in accessible, | |
unresponsive, or even threatening and dangerous, they adapt by | |
developing more insecure attachment styles. | |
As children, when we feel afraid, threatened, or in need, and seeking | |
closeness with our parents is NOT a viable option because they're not | |
available or because turning towards them doesn't make things better, | |
we learn to rely more on ourselves. We become more self-reliant and | |
we minimize our attachment needs. When we deactivate our attachment | |
systems, we suppress our attachment-based longings--not because we | |
don't still want closeness and connection, but in order to adapt and | |
survive. [This is the deactivation strategy. Another strategy is | |
hyperactivation.] | |
Both of these strategies can also occur simultaneously, meaning a | |
child may experience both hyperactivation and deactivation, or may | |
vacillate between the two survival strategies. | |
When children experience secure interactions with the adults in their | |
lives and function from a secure attachment style, they also tend to | |
have better self-esteem, be more resilient to trauma, have stronger | |
social skills, concentrate better, enjoy play, and have solid overall | |
emotional health. Through these nourishing experiences, a child | |
develops a sense of safety and trust. They take in the messages that | |
the world is a friendly place and that they can ask for what they | |
want because the people in their lives care and are willing to help. | |
People with a secure attachment style experience a healthy sense of | |
self [we matter] and see themselves and their partner in a positive | |
light [we are worthy of love]. Their interpersonal experiences are | |
deeply informed by their knowledge that they can ask for what they | |
need and people will typically listen and willingly respond. It's | |
empowering to know that our actions are effective. As adults, this | |
helps us be more flexible when our partners can't meet our needs. | |
Bowlby conceived of the parent-child attachment relationship as | |
having four essential features: | |
* proximity maintenance | |
* separation distress | |
* safe haven | |
* secure base | |
Two additional changes in adult attachment compared to parent-child | |
attachment include: | |
* mutual caregiving | |
* sexuality | |
For securely attached people, "dependency" is not a dirty word, but | |
a fact of life that can be experienced without losing or compromising | |
the self. | |
... securely functioning adults are also comfortable with their | |
independence and personal autonomy. They may miss their partners | |
when they're not together, but inside they feel fundamentally alright | |
with themselves when they're alone. In other words, securely | |
attached people experience "relational object constancy," which is | |
the ability to trust in and maintain an emotional bond with people | |
even during physical or emotional separation. | |
Another important aspect of secure attachment is that, when | |
distressed, a person can both emotionally regulate on their own, and | |
can also co-regulate and receive support from their partners. People | |
functioning from a secure attachment style are better able to take | |
care of their own needs as well as ask their partners to help out. | |
Attachment theory is not about parent blaming. Disruptions in | |
attachment can occur for various reasons outside of the attachment | |
figure's control... | |
Your attachment styles are survival adaptations to your environment | |
and since they were learned, they can also be unlearned. | |
Attachment styles are not rigid identities to take on. | |
You might relate to more than one style. | |
Your attachment style is not an excuse for abuse. | |
## Avoidant / Dismissive Attachment Style | |
In adulthood, having a deactivated attachment system includes not | |
only minimizing one's own bids for care and attention, but also | |
having a diminished ability to pick up on and register attachment | |
cues from others. | |
Part of this deactivating and distancing adaptation is the | |
dissociation from lived experience. | |
Statements that someone with a dismissive attachment style might | |
make: | |
* My autonomy, independence, and self-sufficiency are very important | |
to me. | |
* I am generally comfortable without close relationships and do well | |
on my own. | |
* I want to be in relationships and have some closeness with people, | |
but I can only tolerate closeness to a limit and then I need space. | |
* I prefer not to share my feelings or show my partner how I feel | |
deep down. | |
* I frequently don't know what I'm feeling or needing and/or I can | |
miss cues from others about what they are feeling or needing. | |
* I feel uncomfortable relying on partners and having partners depend | |
or rely on me. | |
* I either struggle with making relationship commitments or if I do | |
commit, I may secretly have one foot out the door (or at least have | |
the back door unlocked.) | |
* I am very sensitive to any signs that my partner is trying to | |
control me or interfere with my freedom in any way. (And I don't | |
like the word "sensitive"). | |
* I see myself or others as weak for having needs or wanting comfort, | |
help, or reassurance. | |
* During disagreements or conflict I tend to withdraw, shut down, | |
shut out, or stonewall. | |
* I do well with the transition from being together with people to | |
then being alone again, but once I've been alone for a while I can | |
be slow to warm up to others or struggle with the transition from | |
being alone to entering back into connection with someone. | |
## The Anxious / Preoccupied Attachment Style | |
Hyperactivating the attachment system ramps up the desire for a | |
caretaker, amplifying the child's attention bids as a way to capture | |
a parent's attention. | |
When used to characterized an adult, anxious attachment is called | |
preoccupied. People with this attachment style demonstrate an | |
intense focus and heightened concern about the level of closeness in | |
their relationships. The partner of someone with a preoccupied | |
attachment style may then feel like this constant tracking of | |
relational mis-attunements and mistakes is controlling of them. | |
A person with a preoccupied style can be uncomfortable, even | |
terrified, of being alone. | |
From their partner's perspective, the needs of the person with the | |
preoccupied attachment style may seem insatiable. | |
Similar to people with a dismissive attachment adaptation, people | |
with the preoccupied adaptation also have difficulty identifying and | |
describing their own emotions. Someone with a preoccupied style has | |
more awareness of both their feelings and their partner's feelings, | |
but they still struggle with differentiating and communicating their | |
feelings and with managing their emotional responses in healthy ways. | |
Also, although they're more aware of their partner's feelings, | |
they're not necessarily reading those feelings accurately. | |
Statements that someone with a preoccupied attachment style might | |
make: | |
* I am comfortable with connection and usually crave it more than my | |
partners do. | |
* I am very attuned to others and can detect subtle shifts in their | |
emotional or mental states. | |
* I often worry about being abandoned, rejected, or not valued | |
enough. | |
* I tend to overfocus on my partners and underfocus on myself. | |
* When I am going through something, I tend to reach out and turn | |
towards others to make sense of what I'm experiencing or to make | |
myself feel better. | |
* I need a lot of reassurance that I am loved or desired by a | |
partner; however, when my partners give me reassurance or show | |
their desire for me, it either doesn't register for me or I have | |
trouble receiving and believing it. | |
* I tend to commit to relationships and get attached very quickly. | |
* I get frustrated or hurt if a partner is not available when I need | |
them. | |
* I get resentful or take it personally when a partner spends time | |
away from me. | |
* I do well with the transition from being alone to being together | |
with partners, but I struggle when going from being together to | |
being alone again. | |
* I tend to hold on to resentments and have trouble letting go of old | |
wounds. | |
## The Disorganized / Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style | |
Children with a disorganized attachment style have attachment system | |
that seems to be hyperactivated and deactivated at the same time. ... | |
they seem to lack a coherent organization of which strategy to | |
employ, often vacillating between the anxious and avoidant insecure | |
attachment styles. | |
The disorganized attachment style is most commonly associated with | |
trauma and it typically arises when a while experiences their | |
attachment figure as scary, threatening, or dangerous. | |
The predominant factor leading to this style in childhood is having | |
parents who are suffering from their own unresolved trauma or losses. | |
When a parent has a history of unresolved trauma, they are more | |
easily overwhelmed by life's demands and emotionally flooded by their | |
child's emotional states. Unable to regulate their own emotions, | |
parents with a history of unhealed trauma, neglect, or abuse--might | |
then act out, lash out, or completely tune out in ways that are scary | |
to the child. Research has shown that approximately 20 to 40% of the | |
general population has some degree of a disorganized attachment | |
style, and approximately 80% of children who have experienced abuse | |
develop a disorganized attachment style... | |
In adulthood, the disorganized attachment style is referred to as | |
fearful-avoidant. People with this style of attachment experience a | |
clashing fear of either being too close or too far away from their | |
partners. People with this style are easily overwhelmed by their | |
feelings or are subject to what I call emotional flare-ups, where | |
their intense emotional states can take over, disrupting their | |
ability to function and, at times, taking others down with them. | |
When trauma occurs, there is a rupture with the foundational | |
relationship a person has with their self. This severed internal | |
relationship with the self needs to be restored so that the person | |
can go on to trust and value themselves, as well as begin to trust | |
others again. When this type of healing has yet to occur, people | |
functioning from the fearful-avoidant attachment style will tend to | |
see themselves as broken and unworthy and will expect that others are | |
untrustworthy or will only hurt them in the end. | |
# Chapter 2: Different Dimensions of Attachment | |
low avoidance | |
| | |
secure | preoccupied | |
| | |
low anxiety ------------------+----------------- high anxiety | |
| | |
dismissive | fearful | |
| | |
high avoidance | |
Another way to conceive of the attachment dimensions is not through | |
their "dysfunctions," but through their strengths and desires. | |
<-- isolation <-- autonomy | connection --> fusion --> | |
This figure shows how the drives for agency and communion can go | |
beyond their healthier manifestations and turn into either | |
self-alienation or self-abandonment. | |
To navigate our relationships from a place of health and wholeness, | |
we need to learn how to manage these seemingly contradictory drives. | |
## Boundaries and the Giving and Receiving of Love | |
Our boundaries are the ways we protect ourselves physically, | |
mentally, and emotionally. | |
Healthy Boundaries: Being connected and protected. | |
Porous Boundaries: Being connected but not protected. | |
Rigid Boundaries: Being protected but not connected. | |
According to Solomon, when our boundaries are porous on the input, we | |
are "absorbing," and when they are too porous on the output, we are | |
"intruding." When our boundaries are too open from the outside in, | |
we are being too wide open. When our boundaries are too open from | |
the inside out, we become intrusive to others, trying to inhabit | |
their skin or meddling too much in their business. Intruding also | |
includes crossing or ignoring other people's boundaries, especially | |
when those lines have been articulated. | |
When our boundaries are rigid on the input, we are "blocking" and | |
when they are too rigid on the output we are "restraining." When our | |
boundaries are too rigid from the inside out we are obstructing input | |
from others, whether that is their love, attention, feedback, or | |
reassurance. When our boundaries are too rigid from the inside out, | |
we restrain ourselves from expressing what is true for us, | |
internally. | |
# Chapter 3: The Nested Model of Attachment and Trauma | |
The word trauma comes from the Greek word "wound," which was | |
initially used to refer to physical injuries. The definition has | |
since expanded to further encompass psychological and spiritual | |
wounds as well. | |
Complex and relational trauma are terms used to describe the | |
experience of multiple traumatic events that are ongoing, such as | |
abuse or neglect, and that are interpersonal in nature. | |
Some trauma experts have begun to further simplify the definition of | |
trauma, framing it as the experience of broken connection. | |
... trauma and attachment wounds are not just an individual or | |
relational experience. They also stem from the world we are in, | |
where injustice and power imbalances have been unaddressed, all | |
shaping and informing our experiences. | |
## The Nested Model of Attachment and Trauma | |
Attachment unfolds over multiple levels of human experience. When | |
referring to different levels of experience, I am pointing to the | |
different dimensions or aspects of our human experience: self, | |
relationships, home, local communities and culture, societal, and the | |
globe or collective. These different levels may seem separate and | |
different from one another, yet they are all interconnected... | |
The current literature on attachment predominantly focuses on the | |
self and relational levels. | |
Research and literature on attachment have provided undeniable | |
evidence about how relationships with our parents and lovers shape | |
our attachment style, but the impact of siblings is not as commonly | |
discussed, despite being just as important to our attachment style. | |
Friendships that function as a primary attachment can also leave a | |
painful mark on one's heart and a significant attachment disturbance | |
when there is betrayal, dishonesty, ghosting, or drama that ends in | |
the loss of friendship. | |
Today the local culture and communities level also include virtual | |
culture and online communities. We can physically be in our homes | |
but have our minds and hearts somewhere else completely, in the | |
virtual world. | |
School culture is another important aspect of this level, since most | |
children spend the majority of their waking hours in the classroom, | |
cafeterias, and schoolyard. | |
The earth is alive. It is where we come from, it is what nourishes | |
life, and it is where we will return to. If we are going to talk | |
about attachment relationships it would be remiss not to mention our | |
original mother: Mother Earth. | |
# Chapter 4: Consensual Nonmonogamy | |
Perel reminds us that there is plenty of evidence that the monogamous | |
model doesn't necessarily work, with many people endorsing a | |
"proclaimed monogamy," while actually performing "clandestine | |
nonmonogamy." | |
When comparing people in monogamous relationships to people in CNM | |
relationships, researches have found that CNM relationships have | |
similar levels of commitment, longevity, satisfaction, passion, and | |
love as monogamous relationships do. Additionally, despite what | |
people might presume, CNM relationships also have been found to have | |
greater levels of trust and lower levels of jealousy than monogamous | |
ones. | |
## Why Nonmonogamy? | |
Instead of expecting one partner to meet all of their needs, people | |
engaged in CNM felt that a major advantage of being nonmonogamous was | |
the ability to have their different needs met by more than one | |
person, as well as being able to experience a variety of nonsexual | |
activities that one relationship may not fulfill. The other notable | |
relational benefit to people in CNM relationships was personal | |
growth--people reported feeling that being nonmonogamous afforded | |
them increased freedom from restriction, self and sexual expression, | |
and the ability to grow and develop. The authors of this research | |
state that people in monogamous relationships may also experience | |
such benefits, but these... were mostly highlighted by people in CNM | |
relationships, offering some potentially interesting insight into | |
their motivations for participating in CNM. | |
[The author also discusses lifestyle versus orientation. Lifestyle | |
is a choice and may change over time. Orientation is not a choice | |
and is part of who a person essentially is. Nonmonogamy can be | |
either.] | |
# Chapter 5: Attachment and Nonmonogamy | |
Attachment research and resources for CNM relationships are scarce. | |
It is safe to say that the field of attachment theory is highly | |
mononormative. The overwhelming majority of research conducted to | |
understand adult romantic attachment is undertaken with monogamous | |
couples, and advice about how to establish a secure attachment either | |
assumes monogamy or outright prescribes monogamy as a necessary | |
precondition for establishing safety and security. | |
Differences in motivation and experiences are to be expected and are | |
not inherently a problem, but some behaviors such as casual sex, | |
one-night stands, sex outside of marriage, multiple sexual partners, | |
partaking in bondage, voyeurism, exhibitionism, and even sexting are | |
all associated with insecure attachment. The problem gets even | |
bigger when people take these research findings a step further and | |
conclude that since these sexual behaviors are the types of behaviors | |
that nonmonogamous people participate in, then nonmonogamy must in and | |
of itself be an expression of insecure attachment. ... many of my | |
clients have unfortunately heard previous therapists equate being CNM | |
with attachment insecurity and pathologize them for their lifestyle | |
and sexuality. In such cases it is important to distinguish between | |
the intentions behind specific sexual behaviors instead of just | |
looking at the sex act itself. | |
When we start to dig into the current research on CNM and attachment, | |
we find the research is extremely limited. The good news is that | |
what little research has been done thus far demonstrates that people | |
in CNM relationships are just as likely to be securely attached as | |
people in monogamous relationships. (No difference in attachment | |
anxiety levels, and lower in attachment avoidance than people in | |
monogamous relationships were). This suggests that people in CNM | |
relationships exhibit characteristics of secure attachment, maybe | |
even more so than people in monogamous relationships. | |
Similar to how a child can be securely attached to one parent, while | |
simultaneously insecurely attached to another parent, polyamorous | |
adults can have different attachment styles with different romantic | |
partners that are independent of each other. | |
When it comes to advice on how to cultivate secure attachment in | |
nonmonogamous relationships, the literature is practically | |
non-existent. | |
Regarding Stan Tatkin's Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy | |
(PACT). The PACT method is well-researched and has been designed to | |
help adult romantic relationships securely function. | |
... secure attachment is an embodied expression built upon how we | |
consistently respond and attune to each other, not something that | |
gets created through structure and hierarchy. Relationship structure | |
does not guarantee emotional security. | |
The takeaway message here is not to abolish all relationship | |
hierarchies or shared bank accounts, but instead for people to | |
procure secure attachment from their relationship experiences instead | |
of their relationship structures. Allow your direct experience with | |
a partner to be the vehicle to secure attachment instead of having | |
certain relationship concepts, narratives, or structures be the | |
vehicle. | |
# Chapter 6: The Importance of Attachment in Consensual Nonmonogamy | |
As CNM individuals and couples began to seek my counsel, I began to | |
notice two different camps: those who were mostly thriving and those | |
who seemed to be barely surviving. For those who were thriving, our | |
work was often short-term. | |
I call these people who thrive with their multiple partners | |
polysecure. This is the state of being both securely attached to | |
multiple romantic partners and having enough internal security to be | |
able to navigate the structural relational insecurity inherent to | |
nonmonogamy, as well as the increased complexity and uncertainty that | |
occurs when having multiple partners and metamours. More succinctly, | |
being polysecure is having secure attachment with yourself and your | |
multiple partners. | |
To me, telling people who are struggling with the transition from | |
monogamy to CNM to go back to monogamy because CNM is too difficult | |
would be like telling the new parents of an infant who are struggling | |
without sleep or personal time that maybe they should just send the | |
kid back, since they didn't have any of these issues before the child | |
arrived. This analogy may seem ridiculous because you literally | |
can't send the kid back, but that can be exactly what it can feel | |
like for people who have made the transition out of monogamy into | |
CNM, especially for people who experience CNM not as a lifestyle | |
choice but as who they fundamentally are. | |
Unlike the built-in security that can ostensibly come from being | |
monogamous, CNM is a relationship structure that is inherently | |
insecure. | |
This form of relationship can bring up levels of uncertainty that | |
many people are not yet equipped for, especially when they don't have | |
enough internal secure attachment. | |
In CNM, it is not necessary for all our relationships to be | |
attachment-based. There is a difference between being in a secure | |
connection with someone and having a securely attached relationship. | |
Secure connections are with people or partners who we don't have | |
daily or regular contact with, but with whom we know that when we | |
reach out it will feel as if a moment hasn't passed. We are secure | |
in the bond that we have with such people, and this bond might be | |
immensely meaningful, special, and important to us, but it's not | |
necessarily a relationship that requires us to invest regular | |
maintenance and attention. In CNM, these might be the partners we | |
refer to as comets, satellites, or casual. They're the people we see | |
at special events a few times a year or our less-involved | |
long-distance relationships. Securely attached relationships are | |
based on consistency and reliability. These are the people who are | |
there for each other in responsive and attuned ways more times than | |
not. They are our "go-to" people who have our back and to whom we | |
can turn when we feel hurt or threatened and/or need support, | |
comfort, or reassurance. They're the people we're excited to share | |
our latest discoveries with. | |
Some people prefer not to define their relationships, preferring to | |
explore and experience them without labels or traditional | |
expectations. As long as this level of ambiguity or relational | |
fluidity is a match for everyone involved, it can be a very | |
liberating and satisfying way to relate with others. But when | |
someone casts a partner in the role of attachment figure, but that | |
person is unable or unwilling to play the part, much pain, | |
frustration, disappointment, heartache, and attachment anxiety | |
ensues. | |
# Chapter 7: The Foundations of Being Polysecure In Your Relationships | |
Ideally, any type of relationship, regardless of how involved or not, | |
is ethical, respectful, has open communication, and is considerate of | |
everyone involved. But when we are in attachment-based relationships | |
more is required, so the rest of this book will center on people who | |
are (or want to be) in polyamorous attachment-based relationships. | |
## Do We Want To Be Attachment-Based Partners? | |
The antecedent to being polysecure with your partners is first | |
getting clear about whether you want to be attachment figures for | |
each other. | |
In monogamy, usually at some point people have the commitment | |
conversation in hopes of better defining their relationship, but | |
exactly what that means to each person and all of the assumptions and | |
expectations that each person is carrying are often left minimally | |
discussed, if they are articulated at all. In nonmonogamy, unspoken | |
expectations and assumptions typically don't bode very well, and | |
intentional discussions about exactly what we're doing and why we are | |
together are important for everyone involved to feel safe and secure. | |
For us to feel safe and secure in our relationships, we need to know | |
that our partners want to be there for us and will be to the best of | |
their ability, and so some level of commitment to being in a | |
relationship together is important. | |
Commitment can be expressed in many ways. Traditionally it is | |
solidified through marriage, owning property, having kids, or wearing | |
certain types of jewelry, but legal, domestic, or ornamental | |
undertakings are not the only ways to show dedication. In a 2018 | |
talk on solo polyamory at the Boulder Nonmonogamy Talk Series, Kim | |
Keane offered the following ways that people practicing nonmonogamy | |
can demonstrate commitment to their partners: | |
* Sharing intimate details (homes, dreams, fears) and being | |
vulnerable with each other. | |
* Introducing partners to people who are important to you. | |
* Helping your partners with moving, parking, homework, job hunting, | |
shopping, etc. | |
* Having regular time together, both mundane and novel. | |
* Making the person a priority. (I suggest defining what "being a | |
priority" means to each of you.) | |
* Planning trips together. | |
* Being available to partners when they are sick or in need. | |
* Collaborating on projects together. | |
* Having frequent communication. | |
* Offering physical, logistical, or emotional support. | |
In each of your relationships that are already attachment-based, or | |
for the relationships that you would like to become more | |
attachment-based, discuss the following questions with your partners. | |
* What does commitment mean to you? | |
* What aspects of commitment are most important to you? (structural, | |
emotional, or public). | |
* Why do we want to be attachment figures for each other? | |
* What does being an attachment figure look like to you? | |
* Do we have the time and availability to offer this level of | |
involvement? | |
In each of your relationships that are attachment-based or for the | |
relationships that you would like to become more attachment-based, | |
ask yourself: | |
* How does this partner already act as a safe haven for me? | |
* In what ways do they show up for me that feel supportive and | |
comforting? | |
* How can this partner help me feel even more safe with them? | |
* How can this partner help me feel even more supported and comforted | |
by them, in general, or in specific situations? | |
* In what cans can I show up more as a safe haven for this partner? | |
When safety is established with our attachment figures and we have an | |
internalized felt sense that we can turn towards them and lean on | |
them when needed, we are freed up to securely turn away from them and | |
engage in the world, whether with them by our side or on our own. A | |
secure base provides the platform from which we can move out in the | |
larger world, explore, and take risks. This exploration facilitates | |
our sense of personal competence and healthy autonomy. Secure base | |
partners will not only support our explorations, but will also offer | |
guidance when solicited and lovingly call us on our shit. They | |
function as a compassionate mirror for our blind spots and all the | |
ways we may be fooling ourselves... | |
In simple terms, I see being a safe haven as serving the role of | |
accepting and being with me as I am, and a secure base as supporting | |
me to grow beyond who I am. | |
Examples of things you and your partner can do to be secure bases for | |
each other: | |
* Encourage each other's personal growth and development | |
* Support each other's work and/or interests | |
* Listen to each other's hopes, dreams, and visions | |
* Listen when your partners share about their experiences in other | |
relationships (assuming that the information shared is appropriate | |
and consensual). | |
* Have conversations about things that are intellectually or | |
emotionally stimulating to each other | |
* Acknowledge each other's capacities and possibilities for growth | |
* Compassionately bring light to your partner's limitations and blind | |
spots | |
* Offer words of encouragement when your partners take on new | |
responsibilities, go on dates with others, take a risk, or learn | |
something new. | |
In each of your relationships that are attachment-based, or for the | |
relationships that you would like to become more attachment-based, | |
ask yourself: | |
* How is this partner already acting as a secure base for me? | |
* What does growth look like for me? Is it usually a shared or a | |
personal experience, or both? | |
* Are there ways that I want encouragement or support in my | |
individual growth or with my visions and dreams? | |
* How could my partners support me in regard to my other | |
relationships? | |
* How could I better support or encourage my partners' dreams or | |
aspirations to grow and develop? | |
* How could I better show genuine interest or curiosity in things | |
that are important to my partners? | |
* How could I better support my partners in their other | |
relationships? | |
... To me, this demonstrates the importance of how we do not always | |
have to turn to our partners to meet our safe haven or secure base | |
needs, especially when our pre-established relationship dynamics are | |
working well. We can focus on cultivating a more secure attachment | |
with ourselves, which is one of the pillars of being polysecure. | |
# Chapter 8: The Hearts of Being Polysecure | |
... the acronym HEARTS, which I use to encapsulate the different | |
ingredients, skills, capacities, and ways of being required for | |
secure functioning in multiple attachment-based partnerships. | |
H: Here (being here and present with me) | |
E: Expressed Delight | |
A: Attunement | |
R: Rituals and Routines | |
T: Turning Towards After Conflict | |
S: Secure Attachment With Self | |
## H: Are You Here? | |
When we experience our partners as being here with us, it results in | |
positive beliefs that our partners care about us, we matter to them, | |
and we are worthy of their love and attention. Conversely, when our | |
partners are unavailable, unresponsive, or mentally elsewhere, | |
attachment insecurity can arise, feeding the fears and doubts that we | |
are not valued, loved, or worthy. | |
Attachment is an embodied experience, and it is first through being | |
present with ourselves in our own bodies and present with our loved | |
ones that the rest of the attachment-based skills and capacities of | |
the HEART of being polysecure can be developed and expressed. | |
* How do you show that you are here with your partners? | |
* How could you be more present when you are with your partners? | |
* Are there ways that you could be more available and responsive to | |
your partners? | |
* How do your partners demonstrate that they are being present with | |
you? | |
* Do you trust that your partners will be available and responsive if | |
and when you need them? | |
* Are there things that your partners could do that would enhance | |
your sense that they are here with yo when you are together and | |
here for you in general? | |
Things to try: | |
* When you are struggling with being present because you are in | |
conflict with another partner or have other life stressors going | |
on, the next best thing you can do is just name what is tugging at | |
your presence. You do not necessarily have to go fully into what | |
is distracting you... but being able to name where you are at and | |
what is preventing you from being fully present (instead of trying | |
to pretend that you're fine when you're clearly not) is another way | |
of being present with where you are in that moment. It may not be | |
ideal, but it is honest and partners will typically appreciate | |
this. | |
* As best as you can, clearly communicate when you will be | |
unavailable... | |
## E: Expressed Delight | |
The next thing that you can do to nurture more polysecurity with your | |
partners is offer expressed delight. Brown and Elliot describe | |
expressed delight as one of the foundational elements of secure | |
attachment. When a parent shows pleasure not just in the things that | |
their child does, but in who their child is, a positive sense and | |
healthy self-esteem are fostered in the child. As adults, expressed | |
delight is also needed to promote secure attachment and a healthy | |
sense of self within the relationship. When our partners are able to | |
articulate the ways that we are special and valuable to them, our | |
interpersonal self-worth is supported. When we express the ways that | |
we appreciate and are grateful for our partners, we create a culture | |
of positivity in our relationships that allows mutual vulnerability, | |
authenticity, and joy to flourish. We can express the delight we | |
have for our partners through our words, our actions, our touch, as | |
well as just the look in our eyes. | |
* How do you already show expressed delight for your partners? | |
* Would your partners like more or different expressed delight from | |
you? How can you provide this? | |
* How do your partners let you know that you are unique, special, and | |
precious to them? | |
* Are there additional or different ways that you would like to | |
experience expressed delight from your partners? | |
* Are there certain situations that expressed delight is more or less | |
supporting to you and/or your partners? | |
## A: Attunement | |
Our attachment bonds are emotional bonds, and being able to | |
emotionally tune into and connect with our partners is at the core of | |
feeling safe and secure together. Attunement is a state of resonance | |
with our partners and the act of turning towards them in an attempt | |
to understand the fullness of their perspective and experience. | |
Attunement is meeting your partner with curiosity, wanting to | |
understand their feelings and needs. It is the feeling of being | |
seen, understood, and "gotten" by the other. | |
There are certain challenges with attunement that can surface in | |
attachment-based relationships. They include how to stay attuned to | |
your partner when they are upset with you and how to stay attuned if | |
you get triggered by them. | |
* How do you experience your partners attuning to you? | |
* How do you know that your partners "get" you and care about your | |
experience? | |
* In what ways do you already attune to your partners? | |
* How could you better or differently attune to your partners to | |
support them in feeling even more seen and understood? | |
* Are there ways that you would like your partners to better or | |
differently attune to you that would support you in feeling even | |
more seen and understood? | |
## R: Rituals and Routines | |
Our attachment system is comforted by routine and regularity. | |
The routines that we can rely on and look forward to are an important | |
part of secure functioning in our CNM attachment-based relationships. | |
It is also important to create rituals and routines that honor the | |
transitional moments when you and your partners are parting or | |
reuniting. Our attachment systems are very sensitive to comings and | |
goings. Abrupt departures and sudden arrivals can all be jarring to | |
the nervous system, and hellos or goodbyes left unacknowledged can be | |
disconnective. | |
* What are the routines my partners and I already have that are | |
meaningful to me and support me in feeling safe and secure | |
together? | |
* What rituals have we participated in or what relationship rites of | |
passage have we gone through that have brought us closer? | |
* How do I like to be celebrated or to celebrate others? | |
* Are there any daily or regular routines that would support me in | |
feeling more secure with my partners? | |
* Are there any relationship rites of passage or rituals that could | |
further deepen our bond? | |
* What do you and your partners each need to reconnect with each | |
other after being apart? | |
* Are there ways of checking in or saying goodbye before going on a | |
date with another person that would create more safety and | |
security? How do you want to connect or be approached afterwards? | |
## T: Turning Towards After Conflict | |
In any relationship, ruptures are inevitable. What matters is not | |
that we have ruptures, but how we repair them. Conflicts left | |
unrepaired can leave lasting effects on our sense of trust, safety, | |
and security. | |
[Happy couples] are able to learn from what went wrong and see that | |
repairing the relationship is more important than the problem itself. | |
... how skillful the repair attempt was did not necessarily predict | |
how effective the repair was. Repairs didn't have to be perfectly | |
executed as much as they had to be genuine. ... resilience after | |
conflict was related to how much a couple was making regular | |
"deposits into their emotional bank account." | |
* Are there certain themes to the conflicts that you have with your | |
partners? | |
* When there has been a rupture, do you and your partners already | |
repair well? How do you do this? | |
* How are you at offering a repair? What comes easily to you and | |
what feels difficult? | |
* How are you with receiving a repair from your partner? | |
* When there has been a rupture, what things could you do differently | |
to better repair with your partner? What requests do you have from | |
your partners around this? | |
Things to try: | |
* Check out The Five Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman | |
* Check out the R.A.D.A.R. relationship check-in method as developed | |
by the Multiamory podcast crew to support regular check-ins and | |
conflict management | |
The Five Languages of Apology | |
# Chapter 9: The S in HEARTS--Secure Attachment With Self | |
... the establishment of a secure relationship with oneself is needed | |
to fully embody healthy attachment with others, so much so that it | |
requires its own chapter. | |
When we have experienced attachment insecurely with | |
caregivers--whether in childhood, in our adult relationships, or as | |
disruptions in any of the levels discussed in the nested model of | |
attachment and trauma--our primary relationship with ourself can | |
become severed and the development of certain capacities and skills | |
can become compromised. | |
Internal attachment healing is needed for the HEART of secure | |
functioning to become possible and then take root in our | |
relationships. YOU are the source of your happiness, love, courage, | |
emotional regulation, and purpose, and the sooner that you can | |
release your partner from being the source of these experiences the | |
better for everyone involved (metamours included). | |
Knowing how to stand securely on your own two feet and how to be your | |
own safe haven and secure base is fundamental to building your | |
internal secure attachment. I would say this to anyone practicing | |
monogamy, but it is even more imperative in nonmonogamous | |
relationships. In polyamory, we need the internal security of being | |
anchored in our inner strength and inner nurturer to navigate a | |
relationship structure that is considered less secure. You must be a | |
priority in your own life. Secure attachment with yourself means | |
being aware of your feelings and desires, as well as being able to | |
tend to your own needs and knowing how to advocate for them in | |
relationships. | |
Those of us who [have attachment insecurity] can still develop earned | |
secure attachment. At the self level, one way to develop earned | |
secure attachment is through making sense of our story. | |
According to Daniel Siegel, we can make sense of our attachment | |
history by creating a coherent narrative of our past experiences. By | |
telling the stories that have been previously unspoken, we allow | |
ourselves to feel what has been unfelt and bring love to what has | |
seemed unlovable. When we are able to describe our painful past | |
experiences and craft them into a narrative that makes sense to us, | |
healing occurs and our brains can literally be rewired for more | |
secure functioning. [No, not literally. Our brains don't have | |
wires.] | |
When crafting the stories of your insecurely attached past, it is | |
important not only to be able to describe and allow the feelings | |
associated with what you've gone through, but also develop an | |
appreciation for the attachment survival adaptations that you took | |
on. Your attachment adaptations are what worked best in the | |
environment that you were embedded in, and it is important to | |
recognize the power and wisdom in the different styles that you | |
constructed. As we give voice to our past, accept and allow our | |
pain, and even appreciate the ways we were shaped from this, we are | |
better able to take responsibility for the ways that we still need to | |
grow and show up differently for ourselves and in our relationships. | |
The HEART of secure functioning is not just for your relationships | |
with partners, but it can be directly applied to your relationship | |
with yourself. | |
## H: Being Here With Myself | |
In order to create internal security, we must first inhabit our own | |
being. We must fully occupy our bodies, which are the storehouse of | |
our feelings, needs, pains, desires, and longings. | |
Being our own safe haven and secure base requires that we first have | |
the capacity to be with ourself. To sit, to listen, to be available | |
to whatever arises within us. Life occurs in the present moment and | |
our healing needs the fullness of our attention in the here and now | |
to take place. Through embodiment, we can learn how to tolerate the | |
uncomfortable feelings and sensations that might be necessary to move | |
through in order to heal. We can also learn to allow positive | |
sensations and feelings that might have been previously exiled. | |
* In general, how comfortable or uncomfortable do you feel being | |
alone with yourself? | |
* What are the subtle and overt ways that you avoid being present | |
with yourself? | |
* What does being present with yourself mean to you? How would it | |
look? | |
* What does bring more embodied mean to you? How would that look? | |
* If you were more present and embodied, what possibilities in your | |
life or relationships could open up? | |
## E: Express Delight For Myself | |
When applying the attachment need of expressed delight to yourself, | |
we are talking about an inner sense of joy, appreciation, and | |
pleasure in your own being and existence. ... as adults, our positive | |
sense of self cannot be solely contingent on the expressed delight of | |
those around us. We need to cultivate expressed delight for | |
ourselves in order to maintain a positive sense of worth and healthy | |
appreciation for who and how we are that is sustainable and resilient. | |
I am talking about the importance of positive self-talk and being | |
kind and loving to yourself in ways that you would probably treat a | |
friend, but so frequently forget when it comes to your relationship | |
with yourself. | |
Even a small shift in the way you talk to yourself has significant | |
physical and mental health benefits and can influence your ability to | |
regulate your feelings, thoughts, and behavior under stress. | |
[Positive self-talk] is about having an inner dialogue that is | |
forgiving, understanding, flexible, and holds a larger, often more | |
realistic perspective than the negative, defeated, or abusive | |
self-talk that we often tolerate as the inner status quo. Expressed | |
delight for yourself would mean being able to see your strengths, | |
positive attributes, qualities, and ways of being that you can be | |
proud of and grateful for, as well as seeing where there is still | |
room for self-improvement. When we delight in our children or our | |
partners, we don't necessarily see them as perfect. In fact, we | |
usually them them with all their amazing, difficult, and quirky | |
qualities and choose to take delight in their fullness, | |
contradictions and all. Can you do this for yourself? | |
The inner critic and shameful parts of us can have a prominent impact | |
through the ways they shape and history our view of self, other, and | |
world, and when in the driver's seat these parts can wreak much | |
havoc, but they are not the totality of who we are. Just as our | |
attachment styles are not the fullness of who we are, these parts are | |
also just an aspect of ourselves that can be healed and transformed. | |
* What does expressed delight look like for you right now? | |
* How could you increase your self-expressed delight? | |
* Do you struggle with critical and shameful inner parts that | |
sabotage your ability to value and appreciate yourself? | |
* What would become more possible for you in regard to yourself and | |
your relationships if expressed delight was more central to your | |
inner experience? | |
Things to try: | |
* Check out Rick Hanson's "Hardwiring Happiness" or Joe Dispenza's | |
"Becoming Supernatural," which both focus on how to create positive | |
changes within your inner landscape. | |
## A: Attuning To Yourself | |
When we are able to tune in and tend to our needs from the inside | |
first, we may still seek outward support, comfort, and guidance from | |
our partners, but our fundamental well-being and sense of being OK | |
are not dependent on it. | |
When applied to the self, attunement is our ability to turn inward in | |
order to become receptive and aware of our interior world. | |
Self-attunement is the inner inquiry into what you are feeling, | |
needing, thinking, and experiencing. Self-attunement facilitates | |
self-knowing, which furthers our ability to self-regulate and soothe | |
our own physiological and emotional states, as well as respond | |
appropriately to our environment. | |
People with more attachment anxiety tend to seek outward regulation | |
from others... Seeking this external regulation from others is often | |
at the exclusion of their own self-regulation and their own sense of | |
self. | |
People functioning from a dismissive attachment style steer clear of | |
trying to emotionally regulate with others because, in many ways, | |
they don't even see it as a possibility. The co-regulation that a | |
child needs and would experience with an attachment figure was not | |
available to them, so they learned to take care of themselves by | |
disengaging from others and taking space to regulate. From the | |
outside, it may look like people with avoidant attachment are able to | |
self-regulate well since they are comfortable on their own, but | |
usually they are not self-attuning and self-soothing as much as they | |
are autoregulating--that is, partaking in activities that are more | |
about zoning out or tuning out in order to dissociate from their | |
internal states than tuning into and intentionally working with their | |
internal states. | |
Auto-Regulation (It just happens) | |
* Self-stimulation or self-soothing done more automatically than | |
consciously. | |
* Auto-regulation is done alone, so there is no interpersonal | |
stress. | |
* Can be similar to overfocusing on an object or task and can be | |
dissociative or zoning out. | |
[Sounds like it has some overlap with the autism spectrum.] | |
External Regulation (You do it) | |
* Reaching for another to help regulate and soothe you. | |
* Interactive, but only focusing on one person attuning to the other | |
at a time. | |
* Can overfocus on either the self or the other. | |
Interactive Regulation (We do it) | |
* Mutual or coregulation with another where both people are | |
regulating each other. | |
* Skin to skin and eye to eye contact. | |
* Both people are attuning to each other. | |
Self-Regulation (I do it) | |
* Regulating one's own state through active or intentional techniques | |
that are self-soothing or stimulating. | |
* Ability to exhibit self-control through managing bodily or | |
emotional impulses. | |
[Some autoregulation behaviors can also be examples of | |
self-regulating when they are intentional.] | |
* What does self-regulation look like for you? | |
* In what ways do you autoregulate or try to use others to regulate, | |
so that you don't have to self-regulate? | |
* What would self-regulation look like for you? | |
* How would you like to increase your self-attunement and | |
self-regulation? | |
* What is your relationship with your inner nurturer like and how can | |
this part of you become more front and center in your relationship | |
with yourself? | |
## R: Rituals and Routines For A Secure Self | |
When focusing on establishing a more secure relationship with | |
yourself, one of the most influential routines we can implement is | |
what I refer to as self-alignment practices. Many of us already have | |
a sense of the parts of us that we might refer to as our better self | |
or higher self, or what I refer to as my secure self or aligned self | |
(this is the part of me that is aligned with my better skills, | |
values, visions, and morals). | |
* What routines and rituals do you have that support you in your | |
well-being and self-care? | |
* What routines and rituals do you need to add into your day or week | |
that would even better support you in your well-being and self-care? | |
* Are there larger rituals or rites of passage that you would like to | |
experience? | |
* What practices do you already do that align you with your better or | |
secure self? | |
* What practices could you take on to align yourself with the secure | |
you? | |
## T: Turning Towards Yourself After Inner Conflict & Doing Trigger Management | |
How we treat ourselves when we have made a mistake, when there is an | |
internal battle between different parts of ourselves, or when we have | |
fallen short of our own standards, ethics, or expectations, is | |
imperative in building a stronger inner security foundation. | |
One important aspect in working with your inner critic and being able | |
to reduce the impact of its harsh ways is learning how to translate | |
its message. | |
Just as we want to speak for our parts [inner critic] instead of from | |
them, we also want to learn how to respond to our triggers instead | |
of reacting from them. Understanding and inquiring into your | |
triggers can be a powerful way to heal past pain and transform | |
outdated beliefs or stories that you might still be stuck in. | |
* How do you treat yourself when you make a mistake or fall short of | |
your own standards and expectations? | |
* How do you respond to yourself when you have an inner conflict? | |
* How would you like to treat yourself differently? | |
* What would become possible for you if you did this? | |
* How frequently are you getting triggered and how does this impact you? | |
* What could you do to better manage your triggers, both | |
preventatively and during an actual trigger? | |
Things to try: | |
* Check our Deirdre Fay's workbook Becoming Safely Embodied: A | |
Skills-Based Approach to Working with Trauma and Dissociation | |
* Check out Bonnie Weiss and Jay Earley's book, Freedom from Your | |
Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach | |
Principles of Becoming Safely Embodied | |
author: Fern, Jessica | |
detail: https://thornapplepress.ca/polysecure/ | |
LOC: HQ980 .F47 | |
tags: book,love,non-fiction,self-help | |
title: Polysecure | |
# Tags | |
book | |
love | |
non-fiction | |
self-help |