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# 2023-10-23 - Living Introverted by Lee Ann Lambert
I found this book in a thrift store. I was surprised to learn about
the scientific evidence that the predisposition toward introversion
is mainly genetic. Many of the observations written down by the
author match my lived experience. Interesting to think that some of
these tendencies are rooted in neurological differences. The author
wrote about a lack of solid statistics, but estimated that introverts
make up about 25% of the population. What follows are relevant
excerpts from the book.
# Introduction
Sometimes, I would be quite social and charming, as is always
possible with introverts. I mystified my parents and my
schoolteachers. At one moment I was outgoing and friendly, and in
the next, I would become withdrawn and secretive because the
socializing had simply worn me out.
# Chapter 1: What Does It Mean To Be Introverted?
It was Carl Jung, one of history's most acclaimed and controversial
psychological theorists, who coined the terms "introvert" and
"extravert" (note that Jung used an "a" in extravert, and it has
somehow evolved to using an "o," as in extrovert--either is fine).
Introverts are people who need to be left alone at times (much more
often than extroverts). We prefer to spend the bulk of our time "in
our heads," and we cannot do this well while in the middle of a group
of people at a tailgate party. Introverts tend to be thinkers,
planners, strategists, and imaginers, and enjoy doing complex work
with our brains. We prefer symbols to spoken words.
When completing tasks and projects, introverts tend to be more
methodical and focused than extroverts. We are more economical with
both movement and words, and frequently go at a given task with a
quiet resolve until it's done.
Introverts tend to be much more sensitive to outside stimulus,
meaning noise, the activity around them, the ringing of the phone,
even caffeine. While extroverts drink this stimulation in, we get
overloaded very quickly. The reason for this is our very low
tolerance to dopamine; the neurotransmitter that is involved in
providing the pleasurable feelings one gets from thrill seeking and
excitement. Introverted minds are always turning and are able to
stimulate themselves so fully that too much commotion from the outer
world will make us cranky, tired, and will eventually cause us to
sort of shut down for a bit.
The last definitive mark of an introvert is the preference for depth
vs. breadth. In her book The Introvert Advantage: How To Thrive in
an Extrovert World, Marti Olsen Laney explains that extroverts love
to spread their attention and interests far and wide, while
introverts feel happier delving deep into a few subjects or focusing
deeply on a few relationships, tasks, hobbies, or projects.
Because of our very low-key nature, introverts are often mistaken for
being shy, aloof, misanthropic, slow, dull, or lonely.
# Chapter 2: The Introvert Brain Versus The Extrovert Brain
Science has found that the brains of introverts work differently than
the brains of extroverts. First, the introvert's brain is more
self-stimulating than the extrovert's. Second, the paths by which
information is processed are different, with the introverted path
being long and complicated and the extroverted path being fairly
straight and unhampered by bends and twists. And finally, the
neurotransmitter preferences between introverts and extroverts are
different.
Many extroverts have low sensitivity to dopamine, so they need to do
things that they find exciting to keep their dopamine level high.
Usually dopamine can be kept at high enough levels for an extrovert
simply by staying busy with social and externally focused
activities.
Introverts on the other hand, are incredibly sensitive to dopamine,
according to Ms. Olsen-Laney. A little is more than enough. We like
to have a different neurotransmitter, acetylcholine, traveling our
brain paths.
In contrast to dopamine, which produces exciting and pleasurable
feelings when the extrovert is engaged in social activities,
acetylcholine produces pleasurable feelings for the introvert when he
or she is thinking and feeling on an inner level. Acetylcholine is
associated with a calmly alert state.
Introvert: Increased eye contact when listening.
Extrovert: Decreased eye contact when listening.
Introvert: Does not enjoy being the center of attention.
Extrovert: Wants to be the center of attention.
Introvert: Shuts down when over-stimulated or stressed-out.
Extrovert: Thrives on outside stimulation.
Introvert: Surprises others with their depth of knowledge about a
given subject.
Extrovert: Is invigorated by knowing a little about a lot.
Introvert: Has excellent long-term memory.
Extrovert: Has excellent short-term memory.
Introvert: May have trouble retrieving information quickly.
Extrovert: Shoots from the hip.
Introvert: Operates at an overall lower energy level--more relaxed.
Extrovert: High energy--quick movements, can't sit still for long.
Introvert: Gets uncomfortable with increased interactions.
Extrovert: Gets uncomfortable with less interacting.
Introvert: Not fond of surprises.
Extrovert: Surprises are part of the fun.
Introvert: More territorial.
Extrovert: Less territorial.
# Chapter 4: The Personality Spectrum and Influences Beyond
# Introversion and Extroversion
Some personality traits might be hard-wired; a part of our genetic
code from a thousand generations. It seems that the tendency towards
being introverted or extroverted is most likely something we are born
with. Everyone's personality is an intricately woven web that
intertwines the DNA inherited from mother and father, and the
behavioral traits that are inherited, learned, and developed through
life. To tease the web fully apart would be nearly impossible.
# Chapter 5: Is It Nature or Is It Nurture?
Somewhere along the line, someone is going to ask the question, "Are
introverts just extroverts who haven't developed their social
skills?" This is an unfair question... Introverts can and do have
excellent social skills available that they can use *when they choose
to be social.*
According to a 1956 study of both fraternal and paternal twins by
Hans J. Eysenck, it found that identical twins "resembled each other
more closely than fraternal twins in extraversion and introversion."
In 1969, researcher Sandra Scarr found a moderate to high genetic
contribution to being introverted or extroverted, and in 1976, J.M.
Horn, R. Plomin, and R. Rosenman found that identical twins were more
likely to be similar in their inclination to talk to strangers (a
good indicator of introversion or extroversion) than fraternal twins.
Richard Depue and Paul Collins argued in their article, Neuriobiology
of the Structure of Personality: Dopamine, Facilitation of Incentive,
Motivation, and Extraversion, that there is a very strong case for a
neurobiological basis for extroverted behavior which is linked to
incentive motivation. Basically what the research says is that there
is a genetic link to doing extroverted things because it boosts the
dopamine level in the brain. Extroverts like dopamine. Introverts
can only take a little at a time.
# Chapter 6: The Gifts of Being Introverted
Some of the best gifts that introverts have to offer are
independence, self-reliance, and the ability to stand alone.
Relying on ourselves for our own best answers and the willingness to
stand alone gives the introvert an advantage in situations where
individual strength is required.
Introspection and the gift of self-awareness are also among the gifts
of being introverted.
While both introverts and extroverts can be of high intelligence,
introverts generally display a very high ability to concentrate well
for extended periods of time. Complex thinking and working through
puzzle-like problems are activities that the introvert's mind is well
adapted to.
# Chapter 7: The Problem With Socializing
If you are trying to change a basic trait such as your introverted
personality, you will have about as much success as you would trying
to change your hair color. Sure, you can cover it with another
color, but it's still the natural color underneath. It's one thing
to learn to adapt to certain situations, and quite another to try to
force yourself to change.
# Chapter 8: Honing Your Social Skills
## How To Small Talk
* Ask people about themselves. Most people love to talk about
themselves...
* Ask questions that are more than a yes or no answer.
* Find nice things to say about the person you are talking to.
* Listen attentively.
* Check out what your new friend is wearing and ask about it. You
can almost always find some sort of a prop to start a conversation
or to encourage others in conversation.
* Take compliments with a smile.
## The Art of Listening
* Understand that the person you are listening to might not have the
same communication style as you.
* When listening to someone, give feedback. This reinforces to the
speaker that you are actually paying attention, and it forces you
to stay with the conversation.
* Do not make assumptions about what is going to be said, and don't
fill in words. This can be very annoying for the speaker.
* Use eye contact and other body language to let your conversation
partner know that you're fully engaged. Smile, nod, and add in a
facial expression or two.
* Do not interrupt.
* Try not to judge what is being said or the person saying it.
* Keep your body language open, unless you're trying to signal that
the conversation really needs to end.
* If you need to end the conversation, try to find a natural break in
it, and say something like, "I really need to cut this short. I've
got tons to do, but I've enjoyed talking to you."
* Do not multi-task while you're having a conversation. [Not even on
the phone.]
* Pay enough attention so that you have something to talk about or
ask about the next time you meet.
* If the conversation is going on and on and you can't escape, but
you really need a break, go ahead and allow yourself to remove
yourself mentally from it. Just remember that it's possible that
you will miss something important.
* Respect others need to talk and be heard. For each of us these
needs are different, but neither right nor wrong.
## How To Say No To An Invitation
One social skill that comes in pretty handy for an introvert is the
skill of saying "no."
* No thank you.
* I need to focus on my personal life right now.
* I have been bogged down at work and need to spend some time alone
relaxing.
* I'm sorry, but I've set that day (afternoon, whatever) aside for
some personal time for myself.
* Not this time, but possibly in the future. Next time, give me a
little more time to fit it in my schedule.
* This week isn't good for me, but I am free either next Thursday or
Friday afternoon.
* It sounds like you have a fun day planned, but I'm probably too
low-key for all that. Would you like to meet me for coffee next
week instead?
* Hmm. I need to think about that. Can I get back to you tomorrow
with an answer?
# Chapter 9: The Introverted Child
Parents and society expect certain types of behavior from children.
It is assumed that children will be naturally playful (as in with
lots of other kids) and outgoing. It's also assumed that they will
be social and want to learn about the new people that cross their
paths. As children grow, they are expected to have the desire to
join and spend time with many new friends and experience many new
activities. For extroverted children in our world, this is all very
fine. But for introverted kids, these assumptions and expectations
are backwards.
While introverted children needn't be treated with kid gloves, it's
essential to allow them to have quiet time by themselves. It's also
important to allow them to decide if they want to join in group
activities and such. Helping an introverted child to learn about
social skills is also important. The skills of cooperating with
others in small groups, getting to know new people, socializing, and
understanding the differences in personality types is critically
important. These develop over time, and shouldn't be forced so much
as gently taught as opportunities arrive.
When it comes to the classroom, it's good to remember that
introverted students do well with assignments that involve using
their critical thinking and reasoning skills. They may be slow to
join in a conversation or group discussion. It's not that they
aren't paying attention, but that they are processing what they're
hearing.
For some introverted students there will be a time lag between
learning and hearing/seeing a lesson and having the information
readily available for regurgitation. Being pressured to answer
questions on new concepts might prove to be unsuccessful,
frustrating, and discouraging.
Introverts might feel more comfortable discussing lessons and new
material at their own pace, after they've had time to fully consider
what they have learned, and feedback is appreciated when given in
private, rather than in a group setting.
# Chapter 10: The Introvert At Work
You see, it's usually not the job so much as the setting, atmosphere,
and social expectations that get attached to the job that bother
introverts so much.
As a general rule, introverts do better in jobs that offer them lots
of autonomy and flexibility and a quiet setting to work in.
Introverts also do better in jobs that allow them to use their
natural analytical abilities and creativity. We often dislike jobs
where we have to answer the phone a lot, or deal with lots of people
at one time or in a long succession.
Introverts are often highly valued for their ability to concentrate,
untangle messes, create plans and strategies, be creative in other
ways, and deliver well-organized and thought-out work.
# Chapter 11: Tips and Techniques for Keeping Your Energy Level Intact
One of the biggest challenges that any introvert faces is conserving,
preserving, and regaining energy. Being part of a world that is for
the most part, very extroverted is part of our everyday lives. We
need to find ways to protect our own energy levels and equilibrium.
Here are some methods that may help for dealing with being in a
situation that is over stimulating:
* Retreat as much as possible--sit back and observe until you feel
more comfortable.
* Excuse yourself to the restroom.
* Mentally isolate yourself--just shut down all but the necessary
activities to look alive and engaged.
* Retreat for a walk around the building or block.
* Use deep breathing techniques to help stay relaxed.
* Find a quiet place to read, work, or sit alone, even for a short
while.
* Use logical thinking to override the unpleasant emotions.
* Hyper-focus on a task. [Dissociate]
* Do something to ground yourself--drink a glass of water, rinse some
dishes, pet a cat or dog, look at a coffee table book--anything to
help you feel more normal and less spaced out.
* Try to employ a mindset of "Be here now." Observe what is going on
around you in a deep, almost analytical way. Pay attention to your
own feelings and acknowledge them, but don't give them power. Pay
attention to the details of what's happening and allow yourself to
absorb and process your experience in a deep way. It might seem
counter-intuitive to do this, but you need to employ some of your
best introvert skills by allowing yourself to be in the midst of,
and to open yourself to the experience. The trick will be in
allowing things in, but guarding your energy and closely watching
its outflow.
For recovering and replenishing energy after socializing or a period
of over stimulation:
* Take a nap.
* Stay home for a day if possible.
* Exercise alone--go for a jog, walk, swim, or bike ride.
* Cook alone.
* Write in a journal.
* Ground yourself by walking the dog, doing a hobby by yourself, or
curling up in a blanket and reading or watching a movie.
* Web surf.
* Work in the garden, mow the lawn, do solitary projects around the
house.
* Go alone to a museum, the library, or a movie.
* Cry.
* Take a shower or bath.
* Meditate.
* Pray.
It can help us to establish our own daily rituals, routines, and
methods for developing our own mindset of calm and centeredness.
For keeping energy levels steady during the course of each day:
* Using positive self-talk.
* Schedule your appointments and social activities so that they are
spread out... and not all clumped together.
* Give yourself time alone each and every day.
* Learn relaxation and stress reduction strategies that you can use
every day as a matter of habit. These can including regular
exercise, relaxation breathing, meditation, journaling,
visualization, guided imagery, yoga, Tai Chi, and other forms of
relaxation.
* Keep your personal surroundings calm and peaceful. Many
introverts prefer an organized and clutter-free environment.
* Avoid or reduce your consumption of caffeine and sugar.
* Take time to do things you enjoy every day.
* When you can, actively avoid situations that are known to be
problematic.
* Don't put yourself, or allow others to put you on a guilt trip over
needing your solitary time.
If stress is uncontrollable in your life, you may opt to look into
finding help in the form of counseling or therapy.
# Chapter 13: Making Your Own Luck
What makes a person lucky? [They:]
* have a mindset that says, "Today is going to be good."
* have a mindset that says, "I can handle this."
* take care of business and do not hide from problem.
* explore both the good and bad that makes up [their] whole self, and
then cultivate the good and work on the bad.
* determine [for themselves] what is good and bad--doesn't let
society decide [for them].
* take action and do not wait for someone to solve [their] problems.
* cultivate healthy, productive relationships.
* trust themselves to make wise decisions and choices.
* take responsibility for mistakes and fix them when possible.
* realize that life is not perfect and that sometimes there are going
to be problems.
* use life's problems as teachers and learn valuable lessons from
them.
* work smart.
* have priorities--if priorities are out of whack, adjustments are
made.
If you think something is amiss because you don't have scads of
friends, it's only a problem if you're an extrovert. If you're an
introvert, you're being normal. Anyone telling you different is
misinformed.
author: Lambert, Lee Ann
detail: https://web.archive.org/web/20100108001817/http://livingintroverted.com/
ISBN: 9781441464057
tags: book,health,non-fiction
title: Living Introverted
# Tags
book
health
non-fiction
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