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# 2023-10-23 - Living Introverted by Lee Ann Lambert | |
I found this book in a thrift store. I was surprised to learn about | |
the scientific evidence that the predisposition toward introversion | |
is mainly genetic. Many of the observations written down by the | |
author match my lived experience. Interesting to think that some of | |
these tendencies are rooted in neurological differences. The author | |
wrote about a lack of solid statistics, but estimated that introverts | |
make up about 25% of the population. What follows are relevant | |
excerpts from the book. | |
# Introduction | |
Sometimes, I would be quite social and charming, as is always | |
possible with introverts. I mystified my parents and my | |
schoolteachers. At one moment I was outgoing and friendly, and in | |
the next, I would become withdrawn and secretive because the | |
socializing had simply worn me out. | |
# Chapter 1: What Does It Mean To Be Introverted? | |
It was Carl Jung, one of history's most acclaimed and controversial | |
psychological theorists, who coined the terms "introvert" and | |
"extravert" (note that Jung used an "a" in extravert, and it has | |
somehow evolved to using an "o," as in extrovert--either is fine). | |
Introverts are people who need to be left alone at times (much more | |
often than extroverts). We prefer to spend the bulk of our time "in | |
our heads," and we cannot do this well while in the middle of a group | |
of people at a tailgate party. Introverts tend to be thinkers, | |
planners, strategists, and imaginers, and enjoy doing complex work | |
with our brains. We prefer symbols to spoken words. | |
When completing tasks and projects, introverts tend to be more | |
methodical and focused than extroverts. We are more economical with | |
both movement and words, and frequently go at a given task with a | |
quiet resolve until it's done. | |
Introverts tend to be much more sensitive to outside stimulus, | |
meaning noise, the activity around them, the ringing of the phone, | |
even caffeine. While extroverts drink this stimulation in, we get | |
overloaded very quickly. The reason for this is our very low | |
tolerance to dopamine; the neurotransmitter that is involved in | |
providing the pleasurable feelings one gets from thrill seeking and | |
excitement. Introverted minds are always turning and are able to | |
stimulate themselves so fully that too much commotion from the outer | |
world will make us cranky, tired, and will eventually cause us to | |
sort of shut down for a bit. | |
The last definitive mark of an introvert is the preference for depth | |
vs. breadth. In her book The Introvert Advantage: How To Thrive in | |
an Extrovert World, Marti Olsen Laney explains that extroverts love | |
to spread their attention and interests far and wide, while | |
introverts feel happier delving deep into a few subjects or focusing | |
deeply on a few relationships, tasks, hobbies, or projects. | |
Because of our very low-key nature, introverts are often mistaken for | |
being shy, aloof, misanthropic, slow, dull, or lonely. | |
# Chapter 2: The Introvert Brain Versus The Extrovert Brain | |
Science has found that the brains of introverts work differently than | |
the brains of extroverts. First, the introvert's brain is more | |
self-stimulating than the extrovert's. Second, the paths by which | |
information is processed are different, with the introverted path | |
being long and complicated and the extroverted path being fairly | |
straight and unhampered by bends and twists. And finally, the | |
neurotransmitter preferences between introverts and extroverts are | |
different. | |
Many extroverts have low sensitivity to dopamine, so they need to do | |
things that they find exciting to keep their dopamine level high. | |
Usually dopamine can be kept at high enough levels for an extrovert | |
simply by staying busy with social and externally focused | |
activities. | |
Introverts on the other hand, are incredibly sensitive to dopamine, | |
according to Ms. Olsen-Laney. A little is more than enough. We like | |
to have a different neurotransmitter, acetylcholine, traveling our | |
brain paths. | |
In contrast to dopamine, which produces exciting and pleasurable | |
feelings when the extrovert is engaged in social activities, | |
acetylcholine produces pleasurable feelings for the introvert when he | |
or she is thinking and feeling on an inner level. Acetylcholine is | |
associated with a calmly alert state. | |
Introvert: Increased eye contact when listening. | |
Extrovert: Decreased eye contact when listening. | |
Introvert: Does not enjoy being the center of attention. | |
Extrovert: Wants to be the center of attention. | |
Introvert: Shuts down when over-stimulated or stressed-out. | |
Extrovert: Thrives on outside stimulation. | |
Introvert: Surprises others with their depth of knowledge about a | |
given subject. | |
Extrovert: Is invigorated by knowing a little about a lot. | |
Introvert: Has excellent long-term memory. | |
Extrovert: Has excellent short-term memory. | |
Introvert: May have trouble retrieving information quickly. | |
Extrovert: Shoots from the hip. | |
Introvert: Operates at an overall lower energy level--more relaxed. | |
Extrovert: High energy--quick movements, can't sit still for long. | |
Introvert: Gets uncomfortable with increased interactions. | |
Extrovert: Gets uncomfortable with less interacting. | |
Introvert: Not fond of surprises. | |
Extrovert: Surprises are part of the fun. | |
Introvert: More territorial. | |
Extrovert: Less territorial. | |
# Chapter 4: The Personality Spectrum and Influences Beyond | |
# Introversion and Extroversion | |
Some personality traits might be hard-wired; a part of our genetic | |
code from a thousand generations. It seems that the tendency towards | |
being introverted or extroverted is most likely something we are born | |
with. Everyone's personality is an intricately woven web that | |
intertwines the DNA inherited from mother and father, and the | |
behavioral traits that are inherited, learned, and developed through | |
life. To tease the web fully apart would be nearly impossible. | |
# Chapter 5: Is It Nature or Is It Nurture? | |
Somewhere along the line, someone is going to ask the question, "Are | |
introverts just extroverts who haven't developed their social | |
skills?" This is an unfair question... Introverts can and do have | |
excellent social skills available that they can use *when they choose | |
to be social.* | |
According to a 1956 study of both fraternal and paternal twins by | |
Hans J. Eysenck, it found that identical twins "resembled each other | |
more closely than fraternal twins in extraversion and introversion." | |
In 1969, researcher Sandra Scarr found a moderate to high genetic | |
contribution to being introverted or extroverted, and in 1976, J.M. | |
Horn, R. Plomin, and R. Rosenman found that identical twins were more | |
likely to be similar in their inclination to talk to strangers (a | |
good indicator of introversion or extroversion) than fraternal twins. | |
Richard Depue and Paul Collins argued in their article, Neuriobiology | |
of the Structure of Personality: Dopamine, Facilitation of Incentive, | |
Motivation, and Extraversion, that there is a very strong case for a | |
neurobiological basis for extroverted behavior which is linked to | |
incentive motivation. Basically what the research says is that there | |
is a genetic link to doing extroverted things because it boosts the | |
dopamine level in the brain. Extroverts like dopamine. Introverts | |
can only take a little at a time. | |
# Chapter 6: The Gifts of Being Introverted | |
Some of the best gifts that introverts have to offer are | |
independence, self-reliance, and the ability to stand alone. | |
Relying on ourselves for our own best answers and the willingness to | |
stand alone gives the introvert an advantage in situations where | |
individual strength is required. | |
Introspection and the gift of self-awareness are also among the gifts | |
of being introverted. | |
While both introverts and extroverts can be of high intelligence, | |
introverts generally display a very high ability to concentrate well | |
for extended periods of time. Complex thinking and working through | |
puzzle-like problems are activities that the introvert's mind is well | |
adapted to. | |
# Chapter 7: The Problem With Socializing | |
If you are trying to change a basic trait such as your introverted | |
personality, you will have about as much success as you would trying | |
to change your hair color. Sure, you can cover it with another | |
color, but it's still the natural color underneath. It's one thing | |
to learn to adapt to certain situations, and quite another to try to | |
force yourself to change. | |
# Chapter 8: Honing Your Social Skills | |
## How To Small Talk | |
* Ask people about themselves. Most people love to talk about | |
themselves... | |
* Ask questions that are more than a yes or no answer. | |
* Find nice things to say about the person you are talking to. | |
* Listen attentively. | |
* Check out what your new friend is wearing and ask about it. You | |
can almost always find some sort of a prop to start a conversation | |
or to encourage others in conversation. | |
* Take compliments with a smile. | |
## The Art of Listening | |
* Understand that the person you are listening to might not have the | |
same communication style as you. | |
* When listening to someone, give feedback. This reinforces to the | |
speaker that you are actually paying attention, and it forces you | |
to stay with the conversation. | |
* Do not make assumptions about what is going to be said, and don't | |
fill in words. This can be very annoying for the speaker. | |
* Use eye contact and other body language to let your conversation | |
partner know that you're fully engaged. Smile, nod, and add in a | |
facial expression or two. | |
* Do not interrupt. | |
* Try not to judge what is being said or the person saying it. | |
* Keep your body language open, unless you're trying to signal that | |
the conversation really needs to end. | |
* If you need to end the conversation, try to find a natural break in | |
it, and say something like, "I really need to cut this short. I've | |
got tons to do, but I've enjoyed talking to you." | |
* Do not multi-task while you're having a conversation. [Not even on | |
the phone.] | |
* Pay enough attention so that you have something to talk about or | |
ask about the next time you meet. | |
* If the conversation is going on and on and you can't escape, but | |
you really need a break, go ahead and allow yourself to remove | |
yourself mentally from it. Just remember that it's possible that | |
you will miss something important. | |
* Respect others need to talk and be heard. For each of us these | |
needs are different, but neither right nor wrong. | |
## How To Say No To An Invitation | |
One social skill that comes in pretty handy for an introvert is the | |
skill of saying "no." | |
* No thank you. | |
* I need to focus on my personal life right now. | |
* I have been bogged down at work and need to spend some time alone | |
relaxing. | |
* I'm sorry, but I've set that day (afternoon, whatever) aside for | |
some personal time for myself. | |
* Not this time, but possibly in the future. Next time, give me a | |
little more time to fit it in my schedule. | |
* This week isn't good for me, but I am free either next Thursday or | |
Friday afternoon. | |
* It sounds like you have a fun day planned, but I'm probably too | |
low-key for all that. Would you like to meet me for coffee next | |
week instead? | |
* Hmm. I need to think about that. Can I get back to you tomorrow | |
with an answer? | |
# Chapter 9: The Introverted Child | |
Parents and society expect certain types of behavior from children. | |
It is assumed that children will be naturally playful (as in with | |
lots of other kids) and outgoing. It's also assumed that they will | |
be social and want to learn about the new people that cross their | |
paths. As children grow, they are expected to have the desire to | |
join and spend time with many new friends and experience many new | |
activities. For extroverted children in our world, this is all very | |
fine. But for introverted kids, these assumptions and expectations | |
are backwards. | |
While introverted children needn't be treated with kid gloves, it's | |
essential to allow them to have quiet time by themselves. It's also | |
important to allow them to decide if they want to join in group | |
activities and such. Helping an introverted child to learn about | |
social skills is also important. The skills of cooperating with | |
others in small groups, getting to know new people, socializing, and | |
understanding the differences in personality types is critically | |
important. These develop over time, and shouldn't be forced so much | |
as gently taught as opportunities arrive. | |
When it comes to the classroom, it's good to remember that | |
introverted students do well with assignments that involve using | |
their critical thinking and reasoning skills. They may be slow to | |
join in a conversation or group discussion. It's not that they | |
aren't paying attention, but that they are processing what they're | |
hearing. | |
For some introverted students there will be a time lag between | |
learning and hearing/seeing a lesson and having the information | |
readily available for regurgitation. Being pressured to answer | |
questions on new concepts might prove to be unsuccessful, | |
frustrating, and discouraging. | |
Introverts might feel more comfortable discussing lessons and new | |
material at their own pace, after they've had time to fully consider | |
what they have learned, and feedback is appreciated when given in | |
private, rather than in a group setting. | |
# Chapter 10: The Introvert At Work | |
You see, it's usually not the job so much as the setting, atmosphere, | |
and social expectations that get attached to the job that bother | |
introverts so much. | |
As a general rule, introverts do better in jobs that offer them lots | |
of autonomy and flexibility and a quiet setting to work in. | |
Introverts also do better in jobs that allow them to use their | |
natural analytical abilities and creativity. We often dislike jobs | |
where we have to answer the phone a lot, or deal with lots of people | |
at one time or in a long succession. | |
Introverts are often highly valued for their ability to concentrate, | |
untangle messes, create plans and strategies, be creative in other | |
ways, and deliver well-organized and thought-out work. | |
# Chapter 11: Tips and Techniques for Keeping Your Energy Level Intact | |
One of the biggest challenges that any introvert faces is conserving, | |
preserving, and regaining energy. Being part of a world that is for | |
the most part, very extroverted is part of our everyday lives. We | |
need to find ways to protect our own energy levels and equilibrium. | |
Here are some methods that may help for dealing with being in a | |
situation that is over stimulating: | |
* Retreat as much as possible--sit back and observe until you feel | |
more comfortable. | |
* Excuse yourself to the restroom. | |
* Mentally isolate yourself--just shut down all but the necessary | |
activities to look alive and engaged. | |
* Retreat for a walk around the building or block. | |
* Use deep breathing techniques to help stay relaxed. | |
* Find a quiet place to read, work, or sit alone, even for a short | |
while. | |
* Use logical thinking to override the unpleasant emotions. | |
* Hyper-focus on a task. [Dissociate] | |
* Do something to ground yourself--drink a glass of water, rinse some | |
dishes, pet a cat or dog, look at a coffee table book--anything to | |
help you feel more normal and less spaced out. | |
* Try to employ a mindset of "Be here now." Observe what is going on | |
around you in a deep, almost analytical way. Pay attention to your | |
own feelings and acknowledge them, but don't give them power. Pay | |
attention to the details of what's happening and allow yourself to | |
absorb and process your experience in a deep way. It might seem | |
counter-intuitive to do this, but you need to employ some of your | |
best introvert skills by allowing yourself to be in the midst of, | |
and to open yourself to the experience. The trick will be in | |
allowing things in, but guarding your energy and closely watching | |
its outflow. | |
For recovering and replenishing energy after socializing or a period | |
of over stimulation: | |
* Take a nap. | |
* Stay home for a day if possible. | |
* Exercise alone--go for a jog, walk, swim, or bike ride. | |
* Cook alone. | |
* Write in a journal. | |
* Ground yourself by walking the dog, doing a hobby by yourself, or | |
curling up in a blanket and reading or watching a movie. | |
* Web surf. | |
* Work in the garden, mow the lawn, do solitary projects around the | |
house. | |
* Go alone to a museum, the library, or a movie. | |
* Cry. | |
* Take a shower or bath. | |
* Meditate. | |
* Pray. | |
It can help us to establish our own daily rituals, routines, and | |
methods for developing our own mindset of calm and centeredness. | |
For keeping energy levels steady during the course of each day: | |
* Using positive self-talk. | |
* Schedule your appointments and social activities so that they are | |
spread out... and not all clumped together. | |
* Give yourself time alone each and every day. | |
* Learn relaxation and stress reduction strategies that you can use | |
every day as a matter of habit. These can including regular | |
exercise, relaxation breathing, meditation, journaling, | |
visualization, guided imagery, yoga, Tai Chi, and other forms of | |
relaxation. | |
* Keep your personal surroundings calm and peaceful. Many | |
introverts prefer an organized and clutter-free environment. | |
* Avoid or reduce your consumption of caffeine and sugar. | |
* Take time to do things you enjoy every day. | |
* When you can, actively avoid situations that are known to be | |
problematic. | |
* Don't put yourself, or allow others to put you on a guilt trip over | |
needing your solitary time. | |
If stress is uncontrollable in your life, you may opt to look into | |
finding help in the form of counseling or therapy. | |
# Chapter 13: Making Your Own Luck | |
What makes a person lucky? [They:] | |
* have a mindset that says, "Today is going to be good." | |
* have a mindset that says, "I can handle this." | |
* take care of business and do not hide from problem. | |
* explore both the good and bad that makes up [their] whole self, and | |
then cultivate the good and work on the bad. | |
* determine [for themselves] what is good and bad--doesn't let | |
society decide [for them]. | |
* take action and do not wait for someone to solve [their] problems. | |
* cultivate healthy, productive relationships. | |
* trust themselves to make wise decisions and choices. | |
* take responsibility for mistakes and fix them when possible. | |
* realize that life is not perfect and that sometimes there are going | |
to be problems. | |
* use life's problems as teachers and learn valuable lessons from | |
them. | |
* work smart. | |
* have priorities--if priorities are out of whack, adjustments are | |
made. | |
If you think something is amiss because you don't have scads of | |
friends, it's only a problem if you're an extrovert. If you're an | |
introvert, you're being normal. Anyone telling you different is | |
misinformed. | |
author: Lambert, Lee Ann | |
detail: https://web.archive.org/web/20100108001817/http://livingintroverted.com/ | |
ISBN: 9781441464057 | |
tags: book,health,non-fiction | |
title: Living Introverted | |
# Tags | |
book | |
health | |
non-fiction |