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# 2023-09-02 - To Be Honest by Michael Leviton | |
A friend recommended this book a few years ago and i finally got | |
around to checking it out from the local library. What a rivetting | |
read for me! I felt that i could identify with the author. One | |
major difference though is that i do not count witholding information | |
as dishonesty. Privacy is more of a survival mechanism in a world | |
full of hurt. | |
For me, honesty is more about having integrity with the words that i | |
do say or write. An even higher standard of honesty is related to | |
the Buddhist principle of right speech: using words with kind | |
intentions for the greater good and the welfare of all. This | |
transcends literal, surface-level honesty, which, like in the book, | |
can be weaponized to hurt others. Truths could be graphed on a scale | |
from relative to universal. The more relative, the less honest. The | |
more universal, the more transcendent. | |
As finite human beings, we are not capable of 100% complete honesty. | |
Philosophically, all of our honesty is mixed with deception. On the | |
flip side, all of our deceptions contain kernels of truth, if we can | |
be discerning enough to see them. So we can't really "be honest", | |
we can only be "more honest." | |
What follows are excerpts from the book that stood out to me. | |
Chapter 1: Most People | |
Dad's predictions were about "most people," never "all people." He | |
told me to dismiss those who make generalizations about "all people" | |
because nothing was true of everyone. | |
When I asked Dad how he read minds and told the future, he explained, | |
"Most people imitate whatever everyone else is doing. They follow a | |
script and recite lines we've heard hundreds of times, lines somebody | |
else wrote." When I asked why people didn't make up something new, | |
Dad replied, "They're afraid that if they really express themselves, | |
someone might not like them. They're incredibly scared of someone | |
not liking them." Dad would shake his head and say, "It's | |
ridiculous." | |
My parents would have argued that children are born truth-tellers, | |
that we revel in self-expression until parents, teachers, and friends | |
punish or shame our honesty away. There are studies that say [to the | |
contrary, that] kids start lying around age two unless you | |
specifically condition them not to. | |
"No one should expect you to read their minds," he [Dad] often told | |
me. "It's their responsibility to let you know what they want. And | |
you should always be allowed to ask. Guessing feelings is | |
presumptuous. Our emotions don't all work the same. I don't want | |
anyone assuming how I feel. They should ask and I'll tell them." | |
---- | |
"Ho ho ho, Michael," Santa said... "What do you want for Christmas?" | |
I trained my eyes on him to scrutinize his reaction and said, "I'm | |
Jewish." | |
Santa's head fell back with a human-sounding laugh. Then, he leaned | |
in close and whispered, "Me too, kid. Me too!" | |
Santa and I cracked up together. There was nothing more fun than the | |
airing of a forbidden truth. This mall-Santa's frankness was my | |
personal Christmas miracle. | |
Chapter 2: My Miseducation | |
Dad would point at billboards we passed, inviting me to analyze how | |
each ad aimed to trick us into spending money. It was during this | |
game that he explained to me that stores priced everything at | |
ninety-nine cents to trick people into feeling they were spending | |
less. I asked Dad who would be stupid enough to fall for that. He | |
answered, "Most people." | |
Through these games, I learned in specific terms why school was | |
bullshit, the justice system was bullshit, success was bullshit, | |
coolness was bullshit, gender norms were bullshit, authority was | |
bullshit, white supremacy was bullshit, conventional romance and | |
friendship were bullshit. | |
I wanted to be like the ancient Greek Stoics Dad had told me about | |
who were as sensitive as anyone but strong enough to bear the full | |
weight of their feelings. | |
Dad answered casually, "In Judaism, you're allowed to think anything | |
you want. It's Catholics that believe thoughts can be sinful." | |
[What about the 10th commandment?] | |
I now understood that my teachers feared embarrassment more than they | |
feared being immoral. They were emotionally unprepared to be | |
questioned or exposed; that left them vulnerable, fragile. | |
# Chapter 4: Family Camp | |
Dad paused and got teary. "It's hard to describe," he said in a | |
voice muddled by crying. "It's the only place I know where you won't | |
be punished for being honest." | |
That was it. I was sold. | |
* * * | |
He introduced himself to me and immediately said that I didn't have | |
to remember his name. "You don't have to remember names here," he | |
said. "We don't care about politeness." I didn't believe him; a | |
week without politeness sounded too good to be true. As if to | |
illustrate, Dad told this man we'd rather not have him at our table. | |
The old man showed no sign of offense, said okay, and sat somewhere | |
else. This exchange between adults saying explicitly what they | |
wanted and accepting each other's boundaries was my vision of utopia. | |
The therapists at camp were referred to as "facilitators" and the | |
therapy was called "work." | |
In less than a week, I'd already watched a few dozen people do | |
therapy in front of me. Beyond that, the camp had a magical power to | |
transform every conversation into therapy. | |
Going to family therapy camp as a teenager had many unexpected side | |
effects. Afterward, I couldn't help viewing all strangers as vessels | |
of hidden pain and fear. I imagined what the world would look like | |
if pain glowed, if we could know on sight how much someone was | |
suffering. Some would be candle flames and others would look like | |
furnaces. Some would be blinding to behold. | |
When I returned to high school for junior year, everyone read as even | |
more shallow and fake than before. | |
Though I was having trouble appreciating anyone in my high school, | |
the teenagers in my drama class interested me the most. I felt an | |
affinity for artistic people because they tended to be more open to | |
discussing feelings, as if being expressive in one way encouraged a | |
person to be more open in others. | |
# Chapter 5: Open Mic | |
The phrase "human resources" struck me as refreshingly harsh, an | |
admission that they defined humans as mere cogs in a capitalist | |
scheme. | |
I brought up my favorite part of the children's novel and cartoon The | |
Last Unicorn. "The unicorn's horn is invisible to most people," I | |
told him. "Only magical people have the vision to tell the | |
difference between a unicorn and a regular horse. At one point, a | |
witch recognizes the unicorn and cages her in a traveling zoo. But | |
the zoo's audience isn't made up of magical people; they see only a | |
regular horse. So the witch attaches a fake horn next to the | |
unicorn's real horn. The crowds are awestruck by this fake horn, | |
which could have been fastened to any old horse. The fake horn | |
impresses them more than the real unicorn." | |
# Chapter 6: This Is Not Normal | |
I'd prided myself on only wearing one face. Not everyone was allowed | |
to exist that way. For most, switching personas wasn't a matter of | |
preference but of survival. Beyond that, my speaking one language | |
burdened everyone else with translating. Who knew how many had | |
ushered me away and smoothed things over without my noticing? I | |
watched Even mull over my comment, taking in that being my girlfriend | |
meant also being my translator. | |
Though she didn't comment on the Post-It notes, she did comment on | |
the lighting, that my mom used blinding energy-saving fluorescent | |
bulbs without shades or dimmers. "It's the least-flattering lighting | |
possible!" | |
"Hmmm," I said. "That would explain why I always found myself so | |
ugly." | |
While Eve was in another room on the phone with her sister, I told | |
Mom Eve's observation about the unflattering lights. "Huh," Mom | |
said. "That's funny. Well, I guess it's good that we see what we | |
really look like." | |
"But those bulbs make us look worse than we'd look anywhere else," I | |
insisted. | |
# Chapter 10: Forbidden Subjects | |
To kick my honesty habit, I'd need steps, probably more than twelve. | |
I started by listing subjects I'd no longer let myself discuss. The | |
first ones that came to mind were: | |
* Unpleasant truths | |
* My parents | |
* Eve | |
* Most people | |
* My opinions | |
* Family therapy camp | |
* My personality | |
It didn't occur to me that I could adjust my tone for my audience. | |
All I knew was that certain topics irked or unnerved. I figured it | |
was safest to outlaw them completely. I told myself that every time | |
a conversation went wrong, I'd add whatever topic ruined it to my | |
list of forbidden subjects. | |
I came up with dozens of other rules as well, all in the service of | |
the same overarching scheme: to learn to read people and give them | |
what they wanted. Instead of asking questions, I'd pick up hints. | |
Instead of expressing myself, I'd pander. I'd reverse the golden | |
rule and do unto others what THEY wanted me to do unto THEM. [The | |
platinum rule.] | |
Within a week, I'd banned everything I usually talked about. | |
After that, when a stranger approached me at the turntables, I'd | |
smile, invest my voice with warmth and enthusiasm, and suggest that | |
THEY should be the deejay. Each time, the person left happy. I'd | |
been mistakenly assuming these people cared about music. They only | |
wanted connection and validation. I had to keep reminding myself | |
that few meant the words they said. Even fewer knew consciously what | |
they wanted, why they did what they did. I made another rule: | |
Don't take seriously what people say. Their minds are chaos. | |
I spent the next few weeks small-talking with strangers. After a few | |
dozen of these conversations, I finally encountered someone who hated | |
it. "You're seriously asking me my favorite color?" she asked. | |
"What is this? Kindergarten?" | |
I cracked up, so excited that I'd found someone like-minded. "I | |
know!" I said. "I just started experimenting with small talk and | |
it's been blowing my mind. People really do want to talk about | |
things like favorite colors. You're the first person who's resisted | |
or even noticed that I was doing anything out of the ordinary!" The | |
stranger looked me up and down in disgust. I assured her, "I don't | |
want to talk about colors. Other people like it. I'm trying to make | |
other people happy." | |
The stranger glared at me. "You asked me my favorite color because | |
you assumed I was stupid." | |
"No," I replied. "Small talk isn't stupid! I used to think that | |
too, but I've realized that it's an alternate system of communication | |
just as legitimate as ours!" I was waving my hands in the air, so | |
excited to have someone to talk to about this. | |
Unmoved by my speech, she said, "If someone talks to you about their | |
favorite color, they're either just being polite or they're a vapid | |
idiot." | |
Her condescending expression and her voice's judgmental certainty | |
gave me a small sense, for just a moment, of what it might have felt | |
like for other people to meet me. | |
# Chapter 11: This Is Normal | |
So, I had a novel idea: I'd set this boundary in my own head, without | |
notifying her. I made another rule: | |
Continue setting boundaries, but keep them secret. | |
These rules ended my monthly falling-outs. Now, if i bought a friend | |
an expensive concert ticket and they canceled last minute, I'd write | |
and say I was feeling ill anyway, that I was just about to call and | |
cancel myself. The friend would never know I'd set a boundary. If | |
they noticed my not inviting them to things anymore, they'd have | |
plausible deniability, could tell themselves it had nothing to do | |
with them. | |
I made a new rule: | |
When someone is lying, there's a chance it's because they're going | |
through something personal that they're ashamed to admit. Instead of | |
getting angry, assume their motivations are sympathetic. | |
The less judgmental I appeared, the more people would confess. To | |
hear the truth, I had to deserve it. | |
* * * | |
I named this phenomenon "the rule of opposites." | |
I soon also found that the rule of opposites didn't only help me read | |
people; it allowed me to guess how I'd be read. Stating plainly how | |
I felt could ensure that I wouldn't be believed. | |
To communicate that I was upset, it was better to snap that I DIDN'T | |
care; this was how upset people usually behaved. | |
Sometimes to be believed, I had to lie. | |
I felt like I had fallen into a language-immersion program where I | |
couldn't speak without first translating my thought into a new | |
dialect. | |
* * * | |
Women usually rejected me with a method I called "the infinite | |
flake," in which they made and canceled dates with me until I got the | |
hint. | |
A merciful rejection had three requirements: clarity, closure, and an | |
unrelated excuse. | |
Thinking about my past apology issues gave me a solution: if I didn't | |
want to see someone after a first or second date, I could text an | |
unprompted apology. Then, she'd reject ME. I named this technique | |
"sorrying." | |
I tried sorrying a few people and it worked perfectly. No one | |
replied, which meant no one felt rejected. I believed I'd found my | |
most brilliant mutually beneficial lie until I told the jury. | |
"Your lies aren't normal anymore," they insisted. "You're | |
manipulating everybody. It's creepy." | |
"But they're mutually beneficial and victimless! I'm considering | |
other people's feelings and giving them what they want!" | |
Eventually, I stopped discussing my adventures in deception. Others | |
would appreciate my lies only if I never revealed them. | |
# Chapter 12: The Mercy of Censorship | |
Over time, I slowly let myself slip back more and more into honesty. | |
But, having experienced dishonesty for a while had softened me. | |
Honesty itself hadn't really been the problem. I'd just need to | |
empathize with whoever I was being honest with, to be honest not | |
automatically, but because I cared. | |
I still followed one rule: | |
Read whether a person wants honesty or not. | |
Id they preferred indirectness or small talk or positivity, I'd try | |
to give it to them. I'd only be honest with those who wanted it. | |
author: Leviton, Michael | |
detail: gopher://gopherpedia.com/0/Michael_Leviton | |
tags: book,biography,non-fiction | |
title: To Be Honest | |
book | |
biography | |
non-fiction |