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# 2023-08-30 - Finding Your Best Self by Lisa Najavits | |
I saw this author referenced in an online post and i checked out this | |
book from the local library. The book contains a lot of useful | |
information about healing from addiction and trauma. It dispels | |
quite a few myths, such as the myth that you have to admit you have a | |
problem before you can heal. Since this book contains so much | |
information, i could not summarize it all. | |
# Preface | |
> Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living | |
> alone won't either, for solitude will break you with its yearning. | |
> You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here | |
> on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be | |
> swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or | |
> betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit | |
> by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in | |
> heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as | |
> you could. | |
> -- From: The Painted Drum by Louise Erdrich, | |
> Native American writer and winner of the National Book Award | |
# Chapter 1: Moving forward from addiction, trauma, or both | |
You can heal from trauma and addiction. | |
Emotional pain that you've carried, even for a long time, can become | |
the seed of growth. | |
Trauma comes from the Greek word for wound, which vividly describes | |
what it feels like. It's a serious, unwanted, harmful event that can | |
lead to lasting pain. The wounds may be physical, emotional, or both. | |
Addiction comes from Latin roots for enslavement, which perfectly | |
describes what serious addiction feels like. | |
Broadly, addiction means that you keep engaging in a behavior despite | |
the harm it causes. People without the addiction would stop to | |
preserve their health, finances, or relationships. People with | |
addiction keep repeating their behavior. They may want to stop but | |
can't. They feel more and more out of control. Or they may think | |
it's not a problem, but the facts show that it is. | |
To those who don't understand, addiction is often judged as bad | |
rather than seen at a deeper level as an attempt to cope. The truth | |
is that even though addictive behavior causes problems, it may have | |
been safer in the moment than the alternative. | |
Just as trauma and addiction are linked, so is their recovery. You | |
can apply recovery skills to both at once, which is more powerful | |
than working on each alone. | |
# Chapter 2: Starting out | |
... you can set your own goals. For example, some people with | |
addiction problems know they need to give up their addictive behavior | |
completely (an abstinence approach); others want to start reducing it | |
(harm reduction); some seek to return to safe levels of use | |
(controlled use); still others aren't sure of their goals and want | |
help figuring out what's best for them. | |
Language is powerful. Use whatever words fit for you. Trauma | |
problems is used in this book but you can substitute post traumatic | |
stress disorder (PTSD) if you have that condition or use a general | |
term such as emotional pain. Addiction occurs throughout, but you | |
may not have a full-blown addiction and may prefer problem behavior, | |
excessive behavior, unsafe behavior, or addictive behavior. Also | |
this book focuses on all types of addiction, not just substances, so | |
addiction and using can relate to any addictive behavior (using | |
alcohol, using gambling, using food, using sex, etc.). This book | |
refers to recovery, but you may prefer healing, growth, progress, or | |
change. Just focus on the behaviors and feelings you want to | |
change. | |
You may want to engage others to support your recovery. Or you may | |
prefer to wait until you have more people you can trust. | |
If you want to involve others, consider a counselor, friend, family | |
member, 12-step sponsor, mentor, spiritual advisor, or peer. | |
# Chapter 5: How do people change? | |
Coping refers to how you respond to problems. [People who have good | |
coping] are responsible, and they manage challenges in positive ways. | |
Trauma and losses can be grieved. You can let yourself feel the | |
emotional pain, moving through it and emerging with new understanding | |
and a sense of peace. | |
Quantum change, also called conversion, is a sudden, dramatic, and | |
permanent change. In addiction, hitting bottom sometimes results in | |
quantum change. Quantum change often has a spiritual component and | |
is described as being reborn... | |
Loving relationships can be one of the most powerful methods of | |
change. The relationships may be with family, friends, a counselor, | |
a spiritual source such as a higher power, or a self-help group. | |
Physically based change occurs through medication, body therapies, or | |
other strong physical experiences. There's growing awareness that | |
mind-body connections promote healing, and for some people the | |
physical realm is more compelling than traditional verbal help such | |
as counseling. [Somatic vs. talk therapy] | |
Coercion refers to forced change such as being legally required to | |
attend treatment ("mandated"). It may surprise you to learn that | |
people who are forced to attend treatment do just as well or better | |
than those who attend voluntarily, according to research. And some | |
people say being forced into treatment was the best thing that ever | |
happened to them. | |
People who do best in recovery pay attention to consequences. They | |
observe the impact of their behavior and try to stay on the good side | |
of consequences as much as possible. They hear the feedback life is | |
offering. | |
Creativity and healing are directly related. Creativity helps you | |
access parts of yourself you can't access otherwise. It allows you | |
to convert emotional pain into authentic expressions of your truth | |
that inspire others or contribute to the world. [Creative outlets] | |
open up your inner world and let you play with possibilities through | |
different perspectives and ways of expression. | |
The more ways you try, the better your chances of lasting change. | |
# Chapter 6: The World Is Your School | |
Be inspired by others. Various websites offer stories of recovery by | |
those who lived it, in their own words. All of the following are | |
nonprofit, free, reputable resources. You can find others by | |
searching online for "personal stories" and a keyword such as | |
"trauma, "PTSD," "addiction," "homelessness," or "domestic violence." | |
## People with substance abuse, mental health issues, or both | |
Brief written accounts | |
https://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/personal-stories | |
## People with PTSD | |
Brief written accounts | |
https://www.adaa.org/living-with-anxiety/personal-stories | |
Videos | |
https://www.pickingupthepeaces.org.au/ptsd-disorder/ptsd-symptoms/living-with-p… | |
## People with addiction | |
Brief written accounts | |
https://web.archive.org/web/20190109073719/https://recoverymonth.gov/personal-s… | |
Videos | |
https://startyourrecovery.org/hear-stories | |
https://www.drugfreeworld.org/real-life-stories.html | |
## People with addiction and/or mental health problems | |
Brief written accounts | |
https://web.archive.org/web/20190109073719/https://recoverymonth.gov/personal-s… | |
https://web.archive.org/web/20181201173118/https://www.ncadd.org/people-in-reco… | |
# Chapter 9: Find your way | |
Addiction and trauma are both rooted in powerlessness. | |
If your addiction and trauma problems are severe, they undermine your | |
personal power in the world. | |
Empowerment is thus hugely important. It's about having options, | |
choosing what's best for you, saying yes to what helps and no to what | |
doesn't. It's about becoming aware of what you really need and want. | |
Empowerment is especially important when you're confronted with | |
strong or conflicting advice. The same advice may have positive | |
impact on one person but negative impact on another. Research shows | |
that there are many ways that work. In the end, it's your life and | |
up to you to decide what works for you. | |
## Surprises | |
You don't have to admit you have a problem to get help. You may be | |
questioning whether you really have addiction or trauma problems. | |
You don't have to be convinced of it on the front end. The key is to | |
reach out sooner rather than later so you can figure it out. | |
Some people get better on their own. Not everyone has to get formal | |
help. Some people are able to do what is called "natural recovery" | |
(they get better on their own). They may be using their existing | |
network of supports such as friends, family, or faith-based | |
communities. They may have strong self-discipline and motivation. | |
But the more severe your problems and the more types of problems you | |
have, the more likely you are to need structured help. If you are | |
trying to get better without formal help, remember to keep observing | |
whether you're getting better or worse. | |
Old-style harsh confrontation of addiction is not recommended. The | |
classic image of in-your-face addiction treatment ("Tear 'em down to | |
build 'em up") is no longer recommended. Now the idea is | |
compassionate support plus accountability. You still have to do what | |
it takes to get better, but the approach shouldn't involve belittling | |
or berating you. | |
Telling your trauma story isn't enough. Many people believe that if | |
they can just purge or spill their story they'll feel better. But | |
it's not a toxin to expel and then it's gone. It's more than just | |
the facts of what happened; it's also about the meanings it holds for | |
you, feelings that come up, and how it relates to other problems, | |
including addiction. | |
You don't have to feel motivated for treatment to work. You just | |
have to show up. Motivation sometimes happens along the way rather | |
than at the start. If you feel hopeless or depressed, it can take a | |
while to get energized toward recovery goals. Good care, whether | |
professional or self-help, starts where you're at and helps inspire | |
your motivation. | |
Start early; don't wait to "hit bottom." Just like physical problems | |
such as cancer or diabetes, early care is best. Hitting bottom can | |
lead to change but is not required. The sooner you start, the better. | |
There's no addictive personality. It's now understood, based on | |
decades of research, that people with addiction have many types of | |
personalities. Addiction isn't a personality problem, it's a medical | |
illness that arises from genes and life experiences... | |
How you feel by the third session of counseling predicts how you'll | |
feel about it months and even years later. Do you feel a positive | |
bond with the counselor and the treatment? If it's not there by the | |
third session, discuss it with the counselor and/or shop around. | |
You can combine any mix of help that you choose. There's often | |
benefit, and no known harm, from getting different types of help at | |
the same time, such as counseling, self-help groups, and medication. | |
In general, the more the better. | |
If you're forced into addiction treatment, you're just as likely to | |
succeed as those who attend on their own. It's often believed that | |
people have to want help or it won't work. But research shows that | |
people who are forced to attend, such as by the courts or an | |
employer, do just as well as those to choose to attend. However, the | |
same is not true for trauma treatment--in general, it's not | |
recommended to force a person into that. | |
Twelve-step groups can be great, but other approaches also work. | |
Twelve-step groups help millions of people and are an extraordinary | |
free resource. But there are also other paths for successful | |
recovery, including nonspiritual methods such as SMART Recovery. | |
Most formal help performs equally well--so choose what you like. | |
"Formal help" here refers to specific models that have been | |
scientifically tested. You may be surprised to hear that although | |
there are different brand names, they all perform about equally well. | |
This is called "distinctions without a difference"--although the | |
names of the approaches differ, their power to help you is basically | |
the same. Yet they may differ in other important ways such as cost, | |
appeal, and access. For example, 12-step models do as well as | |
professional therapies in their results. | |
## Twelve questions to ask when seeking help | |
1. If I were to relapse in my addiction, what would happen? (Some | |
programs may ask you to leave while others will let you stay.) | |
2. How long will it take? | |
3. How much does it cost? Do you accept my insurance? | |
4. How will I know if I am getting better? | |
5. Does your approach have a name? Can I read more about it online? | |
6. Will I be required to share my trauma story in detail? What if I | |
prefer not to? | |
7. What is your perspective on working on trauma and addiction at | |
the same time? | |
8. Is there any research on your type of help? (There may not be | |
research, but if it exists it's good to know about.) | |
9. How will you identify what types of problems I have? | |
10. Will I have a choice who I work with? Can I switch if it doesn't | |
feel like a good fit? | |
11. If I don't improve or worsen, what are my options? | |
12. Are there any requirements, such as attending AA or anything else? | |
# Chapter 12: Safe Coping Skills | |
1. Ask for help--Reach out to someone safe. | |
2. Inspire yourself--Carry something positive (e.g., poem) or | |
negative (photo of a friend who overdosed). | |
3. Leave a bad scene--When things go wrong, get out. | |
4. Persist--Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, | |
never give up. | |
5. Honesty--Secrets and lying are at the core of PTSD and substance | |
abuse; honesty heals them. | |
6. Cry--Let yourself cry; it will not last forever. | |
7. Choose self-respect--Choose whatever will make you like yourself | |
tomorrow. | |
8. Take good care of your body--Eat right, exercise, sleep, safe sex. | |
9. List your options--In any situation, you have choices. | |
10. Creating meaning--Remind yourself what you are living for: your | |
children? Love? Truth? Justice? God? | |
11. Do the best you can with what you have--Make the most of | |
available opportunities. | |
12. Set a boundary--Say "no" to protect yourself. | |
13. Compassion--Listen to yourself with respect and care. | |
14. When in doubt, do what is hardest--The most difficult path is | |
invariably the right one. | |
15. Talk yourself through it--Self-talk helps in difficult times. | |
16. Imagine--Create a mental picture that helps you feel different | |
(e.g., remember a safe place). | |
17. Notice the choice point--In slow motion, notice the exact moment | |
when you chose a substance. | |
18. Pace yourself--If overwhelmed, go slower; if stagnant, go faster. | |
19. Stay safe--Do whatever you need to put your safety above all. | |
20. Seek understanding, not blame--Listen to your behavior; blaming | |
prevents growth. | |
21. If one way does not work, try another--As if in a maze, turn a | |
corner and try a new path. | |
22. Link PTSD and substance abuse--Recognize substances as an attempt | |
to self-medicate. | |
23. Alone is better than a bad relationship--If only people who are | |
receiving help are safe for now, that is okay. | |
24. Create a new story--You are the author of your life; be the hero | |
who overcomes adversity. | |
25. Avoid avoidable suffering--Prevent bad situations in advance. | |
26. Ask others--Ask others if your belief is accurate. | |
27. Get organized--You will feel more in control with lists, "to | |
do's" and a clean house. | |
28. Watch for danger signs--Face a problem before it becomes huge; | |
notice red flags. | |
29. Healing above all--Focus on what matters. | |
30. Try something, anything--A good plan today is better than a | |
perfect one tomorrow. | |
31. Discovery--Find out whether your assumption is true rather than | |
staying "in your head". | |
32. Attend treatment--AA, self-help, therapy, medications, | |
groups--anything that keeps you going. | |
33. Create a buffer--Put something between you and danger (e.g., | |
time, distance). | |
34. Say what you really think--You will feel closer to others (but | |
only do this with safe people). | |
35. Listen to your needs--No more neglect--really hear what you need. | |
36. Move toward your opposite--For example, if you are too dependent, | |
try being more independent. | |
37. Replay the scene--Review a negative event; what can you do | |
differently next time? | |
38. Notice the cost--What is the price of substance abuse in your | |
life? | |
39. Structure your day--A productive schedule keeps you on track and | |
connected to the world. | |
40. Set an action plan--Be specific, set a deadline, and let others | |
know about it. | |
41. Protect yourself - Put up a shield against destructive people, | |
bad environments, and substances. | |
42. Soothing talk--Talk to yourself very gently as if to a friend or | |
small child. | |
43. Think of the consequences--Really see the impact for tomorrow, | |
next week, next year. | |
44. Trust the process--Just keep moving forward; the only way out is | |
through. | |
45. Work the material--The more you practice and participate, the | |
quicker the healing. | |
46. Integrate the split self--Accept all sides of yourself- they are | |
there for a reason. | |
47. Expect growth to feel uncomfortable--If it feels awkward or | |
difficult you're doing it right. | |
48. Replace destructive activities--eat candy instead of getting high. | |
49. Pretend you like yourself--See how different the day feels. | |
50. Focus on now--Do what you can to make today better; do not get | |
overwhelmed by the past or future. | |
51. Praise yourself--Notice what you did right; this is the most | |
powerful method of growth. | |
52. Observe repeating patterns--Try to notice and understand your | |
re-enactments. | |
53. Self-nurture--Do something that you enjoy (e.g., take a walk, see | |
a movie). | |
54. Practice delay--If you cannot totally prevent a self-destructive | |
act, at least delay it as long as possible. | |
55. Let go of destructive relationships--If it cannot be fixed, | |
detach. | |
56. Take responsibility--Take an active, not a passive, approach. | |
57. Set a deadline--Make it happen by setting a date. | |
58. Make a commitment--Promise yourself to do what is right to help | |
your recovery. | |
59. Rethink--Think in a way that helps you feel better. | |
60. Detach from emotional pain (grounding)--Distract, walk away, | |
change the channel. | |
61. Learn from experience--Seek wisdom that can help you next time. | |
62. Solve the problem--Do not take it personally when things go | |
wrong--try to just seek a solution. | |
63. Use kinder language--Make your language less harsh. | |
64. Examine the evidence--Evaluate both sides of the picture. | |
65. Plan it out--Take the time to think ahead--it is the opposite of | |
impulsivity. | |
66. Identify the belief--For example, shoulds, deprivation reasoning. | |
67. Reward yourself--Find a healthy way to celebrate anything you do | |
right. | |
68. Create new "tapes"--Literally! Take a tape recorder and record a | |
new way of thinking to play back. | |
69. Find rules to live by--Remember a phrase that works for you | |
(e.g., "Stay real"). | |
70. Setbacks are not failures--A setback is just a setback, nothing | |
more. | |
71. Tolerate the feeling--"No feeling is final", just get through it | |
safely. | |
72. Actions first and feelings will follow--Do not wait until you | |
feel motivated; just start now. | |
73. Create positive addictions--Sports, hobbies, AA... | |
74. When in doubt, don't--If you suspect danger, stay away. | |
75. Fight the trigger--Take an active approach to protect yourself. | |
76. Notice the source--Before you accept criticism or advice, notice | |
who is telling it to you. | |
77. Make a decision--If you are stuck, try choosing the best solution | |
you can right now; do not wait. | |
78. Do the right thing--Do what you know will help you, even if you | |
don't feel like it. | |
79. Go to a meeting--Feet first; just get there and let the rest | |
happen. | |
80. Protect your body from HIV--This is truly a life-or-death issue. | |
81. Prioritize healing--Make healing your most urgent and important | |
goal, above all else. | |
82. Reach for community resources--Lean on them! They can be a source | |
of great support. | |
83. Get others to support your recovery--Tell people what you need. | |
84. Notice what you can control--List the aspects of your life you do | |
control (e.g., job, friends...) | |
YOU CAN DO IT! | |
Material adapted by Suzanne Welstead (2016) from Seeking Safety: | |
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for PTSD and Substance Abuse | |
by Lisa M. Najavits, Ph.D. | |
# Chapter 14: True self-compassion | |
Compassion allows you to stop blaming yourself and instead understand | |
yourself. But it's not a simplistic view of compassion. The | |
ultimate test of compassion is whether it helps you change unhealthy | |
behavior. Compassion without behavior changes means it's not deep | |
enough. | |
Compassion toward others can also be healing and can strengthen your | |
recovery. But you never have to take a compassionate view toward | |
people who harmed you. If you want to develop compassion for them, | |
you can, but it's a choice, not a requirement--you can recover | |
without it. | |
Know, too, that compassion and forgiveness aren't the same. You can | |
have compassion for people without forgiving them. You may | |
understand why someone harmed you, how it was rooted in pain or their | |
own trauma--but that doesn't mean you have to forgive. You don't | |
have to forgive to heal. | |
# Chapter 16: Forgiving yourself | |
Forgiving yourself means coming to terms with what happened and doing | |
your best to make the future better than the past. It doesn't mean | |
you like what happened, that it was right, or that you would make the | |
same choices again. It doesn't mean you forgive others for what they | |
did to you. It only means that you make peace with your part in what | |
happened. It's letting go of the resentments toward yourself, | |
knowing that even if flawed, you can respect that you were who you | |
were at the time and you always have the capacity to grow going | |
forward. | |
Forgiving others is an option, never a requirement. An you never | |
have to forgive someone who hurt you unless you arrive at it in a | |
genuine way. It can't be forced, and it's NOT necessary for healing | |
despite what people may tell you. Indeed, it can be damaging to be | |
pushed into forgiveness that you don't feel. It's a personal choice | |
and it may take years or decades to decide whether you want to | |
forgive people who hurt you. | |
In the trauma field, it's well established that forgiveness is a | |
choice, not a requirement. In the addiction field, you're more | |
likely to hear that you must forgive, but that idea developed before | |
the addiction field focused on trauma. Now the idea is that | |
forgiveness is always a personal choice. You can make progress with | |
or without it. | |
But forgiving yourself is key. Otherwise, there may be some part of | |
the past always holding you back. | |
# Chapter 17: Body and biology | |
Trauma and addiction are experienced in the body. | |
It means that you need to pay strong attention to your body as part | |
of recovery. You may need to "hear" your body more--noticing when | |
you feel pain or discomfort rather than ignoring it. It may mean | |
making more effort to take care of your body, such as eating | |
healthily and getting exercise. It may involve forging a new | |
relationship with your body based on respecting it. No matter how | |
much trauma or addiction you've had, you can learn to live in harmony | |
with your body. | |
Trauma and addiction can decrease body awareness. You may | |
dissociate, which means that your mind detaches for a while in | |
response to stress; during these times, you may feel unaware of body | |
sensations. | |
# Chapter 18: Grounding | |
All feelings are normal; they're part of being human. But if you | |
have trauma or addiction, they can be too much or too little. | |
Grounding helps you get them back to a healthy mid-level. | |
Grounding means focusing outward on the external world--rather than | |
inward toward the self. You can also think of it as centering, | |
calming, a safe place, looking outward, peacefulness, or healthy | |
detachment. | |
Three types of grounding are described in this chapter: mental, | |
physical, and soothing. You can see which types work best for you. | |
By rating your feelings before and after, you can also test how well | |
grounding works. | |
Many religious and spiritual traditions focus on healthy detachment. | |
Healthy detachment... is being in touch with the present, centered | |
and calm. Various methods such as meditation, mindfulness, and | |
relaxation training can also bring forth such feelings. But those | |
methods weren't designed to handle intense and dangerous impulses. | |
Grounding is more active than those other approaches, and the eyes | |
are kept open to keep you in touch with your environment. | |
## Guidelines | |
* Grounding can be done any time, anywhere, and no one has to know. | |
* Use grounding when you're faced with a trigger, having a flashback, | |
dissociating, having a substance craving, or when your distress | |
goes above 6 (on a 0-10 scale). Grounding puts healthy distance | |
between you and these negative feelings. | |
* Keep your eyes open, scan the room, and turn the light on to stay | |
in touch with the present. | |
* Rate your mood before and after to test whether it worked. Before | |
grounding, rate your level of distress (0-10, where 10 means | |
"intense distress"). Then rerate it afterward. Has it gone down? | |
* Stay neutral--no judgments of good and bad. For example, "The | |
walls are blue; I dislike blue because it reminds me of | |
depression." Simply say "The walls are blue" and move on. | |
* Focus on the present, not the past or future. | |
Step 1: Think of something moderately distressing--not the worst | |
thing you can think of, but something that brings up some negative | |
feelings. On a 0-10 scale, where 10 is the most intense distress, | |
think of something between 5 and 7. | |
Step 2: Rate your level of distress from 0 (none) to 10 (intense | |
distress). The goal will be to see if grounding helps to reduce the | |
distress. | |
Step 3: Use as many of the following strategies as you can, in any | |
order, until you reach 10 minutes total. And just do them; don't add | |
in comments or judgments of good or bad. | |
## Examples of mental grounding | |
* Describe your environment in detail using all your senses. For | |
example, "The walls are white, there are five pink chairs, there's | |
a wooden bookshelf against the wall. ..." Describe objects, | |
sounds, textures, colors, smells, shapes, numbers, and | |
temperatures. | |
* Play a categories game with yourself. Try to think of "types of | |
dogs," "jazz musicians," "states that begin with A," "cars," "TV | |
shows," "writers," "sports," "songs," "cities." | |
* Describe an everyday activity in great detail. For example, | |
describe a meal that you cook (e.g., "First I peel the potatoes, | |
then I boil the water..."). | |
* Imagine. Use an image: glide along on skates away from your pain; | |
change the TV channel to get a better show. | |
* Make a safety statement. "My name is _____; I am safe right now. | |
I am in the present, not the past. I am located in _____; the date | |
is _____." | |
* Use humor. Think of something funny to jolt yourself out of your | |
mood. Or read or watch some comedy. | |
## Examples of physical grounding | |
* Run cool or warm water over your hands. | |
* Grab tightly on to your chair and notice what it feels like. | |
* Touch various objects around you: a pen, keys, your clothing, the | |
table, the walls. Notice textures, colors, materials, weight, | |
temperature. Compare objects you touch. Is one colder? Lighter? | |
* Dig your heels into the floor--literally "grounding" them! Notice | |
the tension centered in your heels as you do this. Remind yourself | |
that you're connected to the ground. | |
* Carry a grounding object in your pocket--a small object (a small | |
rock, clay, ring, piece of cloth or yarn) that you can touch | |
whenever you feel triggered. [A fidget spinner.] | |
* Jump up and down. | |
## Examples of soothing grounding | |
* Speak kindly to yourself as if talking to a small child: "You're a | |
good person going through a hard time. You'll get through this." | |
* Think of favorites: favorite color, animal, season, food, time of | |
day, TV show, person, movie, activity, place, quotation, song, and | |
scent. Also add other favorites you can think of. | |
* Picture people you care about, such as your children, and look at | |
photographs of them. | |
* Remember the words to an inspiring song, quotation, or poem that | |
makes you feel better, such as the Serenity Prayer. | |
* Remember a safe place. Describe a place that you find soothing | |
(perhaps the beach or mountains or a favorite room). | |
* Create a coping statement. "I can handle it." "This feeling will | |
pass." | |
* Think of what you're looking forward to in the next week, perhaps | |
time with a friend or going to a movie. | |
Step 4: Afterward, rerate your negative feelings on the same scale | |
from 0 (no distress) to 10 (intense distress). Did the number go | |
down even a little? Do you feel even just a bit better than when you | |
started? If not, try grounding again for 10 minutes. Then rerate | |
your negative feelings again. If you try it long enough with enough | |
different methods, it will work. | |
# Chapter 26: Identity: How you view yourself | |
Identity is your mental model of yourself. It's how you answer the | |
question "Who are you?" There's no one way to answer it and, in | |
fact, how you answer it says a lot about who you are. | |
Who you are is a kaleidoscope of your age, gender, nationality, | |
religion, ethnicity, social class, temperament, relationships, how | |
you spend your time, where you live, what you value, what you | |
survived, and so on. Identity goes to the core of your experience of | |
life. | |
Trauma and addiction may be as much a part of your identity as other | |
aspects. They influence you even if you don't want them to. | |
Finally, both trauma and addiction are associated with splitting, | |
which is a fragmented identity in which you're only aware of part of | |
yourself at a given time. Everyone has sides they're aware of at | |
different times, but in trauma and addiction the splits tend to be | |
more extreme, less conscious, and more likely to lead to unsafe | |
behavior. With recovery comes integration--balanced awareness of all | |
sides of the self and greater control over them. | |
Some aspects of identity are more fixed, such as age, gender, and | |
ethnicity. Others are more malleable. For example, personalty | |
traits are part of your identity and can be expressed in healthy or | |
unhealthy ways. Usually the unhealthy version is too extreme or | |
directed toward unworthy goals. | |
It's about accepting who you are and directing the traits that define | |
you so they don't cause problems but instead become a source of your | |
success. | |
# Chapter 29: Dark feelings: Rage, hatred, revenge, bitterness | |
Trauma and addiction can evoke dark feelings such as rage, hatred, | |
bitterness, desire for revenge, and sadism. You may have your own | |
language for them--cruel, monstrous, ugly, unforgiving, vengeful, | |
furious, spiteful. | |
Everyone has these feelings at times, but with trauma and addiction | |
they may be so intense and out of control that they scare you or | |
others. | |
Many dark feelings are rooted in anger that has mutated into an | |
unhealthy form. The term anger is used in this chapter because it's | |
at the core of many other feelings, but choose whatever language fits | |
for you. | |
Dark feelings are there for a reason. You may want to get rid of | |
them... but anger isn't bad in and of itself. It's built into the | |
biology of humans as protection against predators in the wild. | |
Respect that it's there to protect you. In fact, not being able to | |
feel anger can keep you just as stuck as too much anger. But when | |
anger is too persistent or too intense, it's not healthy. | |
The goal is to respond to your dark feelings. This means you use | |
active methods to transform your relationship with them; you become | |
less consumed by them. | |
Responding also means that you don't go to unhealthy extremes: too | |
little or too much. | |
Trauma and addiction come with many losses: loss of hope, innocence, | |
trust, physical integrity, money, relationships, and freedom. You | |
may have no idea how to grieve these. Underneath dark feelings there | |
are often deep layers of hurt and sadness. Release those deeper | |
feelings to convert your anger into a less toxic form. | |
Whatever the reasons for your dark feelings, staying curious about | |
them can reveal new ways to work on them. | |
People with dark feelings are often highly idealistic, valuing | |
respect and fairness. Trauma and addiction erode these ideals, but | |
you can rekindle them by finding some important mission. | |
# Chapter 30: Imagination | |
One of the best tools to bring to recovery is your own | |
imagination--playing with possibilities and envisioning what isn't | |
yet present. Imagination moves you past inner defenses that keep you | |
from your full range of feelings. It taps into wisdom you didn't | |
know was there. You discover fresh perspectives that can spur growth. | |
# Chapter 32: Find a good counselor | |
At some point many people with trauma and addiction find themselves | |
in counseling of some sort. It's important to find a helper who's a | |
good fit for you: someone who's supportive yet also guides you to | |
make real changes in your life. A good professional helper is more | |
than a kind friend; it's someone who: | |
* Sets clear goals. | |
* Understands and monitors your symptoms. | |
* Gives you honest feedback. | |
* Provides options. | |
* Uses methods that produce results. | |
* Knows how to handle emergency situations. | |
* Keeps you on track. | |
* Helps you feel safe so you can say anything without feeling judged. | |
Like most things, the quality of counseling ranges from excellent to | |
poor. | |
How can you tell who's a good counselor for you? There's a simple | |
yet reliable way to evaluate whether your counselor is likely to be | |
helpful in the long run. It's called a helping alliance scale, and | |
it allows you to rate the quality of your counseling experience. | |
Such scales have been tested based on extensive research. | |
Remarkably, ratings by the third session of counseling predict how | |
helpful it's likely to be months and even years later. | |
Even with the best counseling, you need to do the work of showing up, | |
trying new things, being open to feedback, and following through on | |
tasks. Recovery is yours to create. Invest in yourself by finding | |
someone who's a good fit for you. Some people spend more time | |
shopping for a smartphone than for a good counselor. | |
## The Helping Alliance Questionnaire | |
Patient Version | |
INSTRUCTIONS: These are ways that a person may feel or behave in | |
relation to another person--their therapist. Consider carefully your | |
relationship with your therapist, and then mark each statement | |
according to how strongly you agree or disagree. Please mark every | |
one. | |
Each statement has a score to circle. That score, from left to | |
right, corresponds to the following scale: | |
* strongly disagree | |
* disagree | |
* slightly disagree | |
* slightly agree | |
* agree | |
* strongly agree | |
[Note: This is a version found online, not the exact version from | |
the book.] | |
1. I feel I can depend upon the therapist. | |
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] | |
2. I feel the therapist understands me. | |
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] | |
3. I feel the therapist wants me to achieve my goals. | |
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] | |
4. At times I distrust the therapist's judgment. | |
[6] [5] [4] [3] [2] [1] | |
5. I feel I am working together with the therapist in a joint effort. | |
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] | |
6. I believe we have similar ideas about the nature of my problems. | |
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] | |
7. I generally respect the therapist's views about me. | |
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] | |
8. The procedures used in my therapy are not well suited to my needs. | |
[6] [5] [4] [3] [2] [1] | |
9. I like the therapist as a person. | |
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] | |
10. In most sessions, the therapist and I find a way to work on my | |
problems together. | |
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] | |
11. The therapist relates to me in ways that slow up the progress of | |
the therapy. | |
[6] [5] [4] [3] [2] [1] | |
12. A good relationship has formed with my therapist. | |
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] | |
13. The therapist appears to be experienced in helping people. | |
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] | |
14. I want very much to work out my problems. | |
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] | |
15. The therapist and I have meaningful exchanges. | |
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] | |
16. The therapist and I sometimes have unprofitable exchanges. | |
[6] [5] [4] [3] [2] [1] | |
17. From time to time, we both talk about the same important events | |
in my past. | |
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] | |
18. I believe the therapist likes me as a person. | |
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] | |
19. At times the therapist seems distant. | |
[6] [5] [4] [3] [2] [1] | |
Make sure you have an answer for each statement, then add the total | |
of all the items you circled. Scores range from 19 to 114. The | |
higher your score, the more you feel helped by your counselor. If | |
your score is high, that's great. A total of 85 or below indicates | |
that you have a poor alliance (you don't feel helped enough by your | |
counselor) and suggests a need for further action. You can try | |
talking with your counselor about it (highly recommended)... | |
author: Najavits, Lisa | |
detail: https://www.treatment-innovations.org/lisa-najavits.html | |
LOC: RC564.29 .N34 | |
tags: book,non-fiction,self-help | |
title: Finding Your Best Self | |
# Tags | |
book | |
non-fiction | |
self-help |