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# 2023-05-04 - What Helps, And What Hurts Communication by Amara Karuna
# What is good communication? Giving and receiving
When you are able to let your thoughts or feelings be known to
another person in a way that they can understand, without attacking
(trying to hurt) them, that is good communication. This requires an
attitude of cooperation, honesty and respect.
In order to really be communicating, your message must be received as
well as sent. If you say something that the other person doesn't
hear or understand, you have expressed yourself, but you have not
really communicated anything. If you want the other person to change
or act differently somehow, it is especially important to carefully
consider how to get your message across in a way they can hear it.
Communication can happen through written and spoken words, gestures,
pictures, actions, body posture, facial expressions and the tone of
voice. Often the words themselves carry the weakest impact, with the
non-verbal signals being much more important. Example: Someone says
"I really like you" in a bored voice with a perfectly straight, stiff
face. What have they really communicated?
It's very important to honestly, and carefully, communicate feelings.
Uncommunicated feelings create distances between people. Even if it
is uncomfortable, sharing your real experience in a caring way is the
greatest gift you can give to keep a relationship healthy.
As human beings, we feel best when there is openness and
understanding between us. Having lots of unsettled problems hanging
in our relationships is not a comfortable feeling--they tend to weigh
us down and create a blocked, trapped feeling. It takes a lot of
courage to face someone and honestly communicate our uncomfortable
feelings, but the feeling of release and freedom afterward is a great
reward.
Most of us were constantly criticized when growing up, by parents,
teachers, relatives, friends. It is usually easier for us to
verbalize our dissatisfaction than what we like. Many people are
very sensitive about being criticized. It is important to
communicate your critical feedback carefully, to make it easier for
the other person to hear it. People learn best from someone that
they trust and feel safe with. If they can hear it, there is a
greater chance that they will change their behavior.
When both people communicate clearly what they think and feel, and
are listened to respectfully, it is possible create solutions to
problems together so that everyone wins. Many problems are imagined
or blown out of proportion, and vanish when the people involved
communicate carefully.
# What helps communication happen?
When you want to communicate to someone else, helpful steps are:
## Check in with yourself
Is this a good time for you to say what you have to say? Do you have
enough time or are you in a rush? Is your thinking clear? Missing
sleep, or taking drugs (even coffee) can make it harder to
communicate, because the drug's influence will flavor what you say
and do.
How are you feeling right now? If you are very upset, it will be
harder to communicate in a way that can be received by the other
person. The more calm, strong and clear you are, the easier it will
be to have a good communication. If you feel inside that you want to
hurt the other person, get back at them, teach them a lesson or prove
you are right, you are coming from a competitive rather than a
cooperative attitude. Strong fear will also make it hard to think.
The other person will feel this, and understanding each other will be
harder.
This also applies when you have strong positive feelings that you
want to communicate. Sometimes it can be just as hard to express
affection as it is to express criticism.
What are some ways you can use to get clear and calm? Journal
writing, counseling, a long walk, talking it over with someone
else... What do you use to get back in touch with who you really are?
When it seems hard to get calm and clear enough; It often helps to go
talk it over with a friend who is uninvolved until you are feeling
calmer. If you want to avoid gossiping, you don't even need to
mention the names of the other people involved with your problem.
Just talking about your feelings often takes a lot of the tension
away. This step helps avoid dumping all the force of your old hurts
caused by parents, etc. onto the usually relatively innocent person
you are trying to talk with now.
Practice saying what you want to say, either alone or to a friend, or
in writing.
Sometimes you might need to have an ally with you in order to feel
clear enough to talk over something that you have a lot of intense
feelings about. (For example, having your parent come with you to
talk to a teacher about a problem).
Another option is to write a letter to the person, instead of talk
with them. This sometimes helps you to carefully choose your words
without pressure. Or some people find that talking over the phone
feels easier.
## Asking first: Check in with the other person
Does the person want to communicate with you right then? Are they in
a hurry or tired, and do they have time? How much of a need do you
have to talk right then, or is it something you can put off until a
better time? Respect their right to say no, but be firm about
setting up a later time. What you have to say is important.
If you have something uncomfortable to say, it is even more important
to ask beforehand. A lot of bad communication happens when people
just "pop" out with a critical remark and the other person is
unprepared, and so responds defensively. This is a bad habit that
many of us have grown up with. We are often more polite with and
thoughtful of our acquaintances than the people in our families we
really love most.
Examples of good ways to ask:
* I want to talk to you about something important. (or serious, or
uncomfortable, or a problem) Is this a good time to talk?
* Can we set up a time to have a private talk?
* Something is bugging me and I want to clear it up with you. Do
you have a few minutes?
* I would like to share some of my feelings with you.
* I have something difficult to say to you. Can you give me some
time?
## Validate and appreciate before giving negative feedback
Satisfying relationships are built on a positive flow of love and
appreciation between the people involved. The more you receive, the
more you will want to give. The more continuous and deep is this
exchange, the more satisfaction will be felt.
This positive feedback loop is a skill that can be practiced, and
can become a habit. Many people become locked into habits of
criticism and invalidation with their partners or children, creating
a loop where they get more and more shut off and less willing to
give. Sometimes this ends in a feeling of the relationship "not
being worth it" because the rewards become less than the effort.
Build a positive relationship--practice appreciating the other
person. Tell them you like it whenever they do something you
appreciate. Look for things to appreciate, even if it seems
difficult.
Examples:
* I really love you
* I'm so glad you are my special (friend, partner, mate...)
* I love being close to you
* I am proud of you, I respect you
* I appreciate the work you do
* Thanks for taking care of that project--you did it well.
When preparing to give negative feedback, first give appreciations.
This builds safety, reminding both of you of the good energy possible
between you.
If you can't think of any appreciations, at least explain to the
person that your intention is to communicate honestly and clearly, in
a way that neither of you gets hurt. Why are you bothering to talk
with them? Let them know your good intentions.
* I don't want this to stand in the way of our friendship.
* I want to be honest with you.
## CLEARING: Guidelines for giving negative feedback
## in a considerate, effective way
It will be helpful if you both agree to use these guidelines first:
to take turns listening and paraphrasing, to agree not to interrupt
each other, to use "I" messages and avoid the things that block
communication.
CLEARING IS NOT THE SAME AS COUNSELING--A time set up for clearing
and good communication is a time to be as calm and centered and
rational as possible. It is a time to communicate information, ask
for changes and make agreements.
People will hear what you have to say much better if there is not a
strong emotional charge mixed with it. If you have strong feelings,
try to work them out beforehand in a counseling session, where you
don't have to concern yourself with being polite or rational.
Depending on who you are clearing with, (your boss, your mate, your
child) they may be more or less interested in the details of your
emotional reactions. Don't expect them to be your counselor.
Decide if you want to be their counselor or not, if they become
irrational during the clearing process. If you do, listen to them
calmly without taking it personally while they express their
emotions. If you don't, stop the process until they can calm down.
Ask for help if necessary.
A. TELL THEM HOW YOU ARE FEELING FIRST, before you try to give
information. Then they will have an idea where you are coming from
and be less likely to mis-interpret.
Examples:
* I feel really nervous saying this.
* I am kind of tired right now and distracted.
* I am a bit angry.
USE "I" MESSAGES: statements about your own experience; feelings,
thoughts, desires. While people can argue about an accusation or
insult, ("You are always sloppy") they can't argue with a statement
about your own experience. (I don't like it when you don't clean up")
Examples of feeling "I" messages:
* I'm really annoyed and I don't want to stay upset with you.
* I am afraid.
* I am really happy and excited.
"I Messages" can also contain information about why you are feeling
that way.
Examples:
* I feel happy and warm when you visit me.
* I am worried that you might be in trouble.
* I am scared that you might hit me, and I feel unsafe.
* I felt rejected when you didn't call.
You can also explain what you are thinking with "I" messages:
* I have a different opinion. The way I see it...
* I don't want to join in that activity.
WATCH FOR HIDDEN "YOU" MESSAGES:
Beware of statements that begin "I feel that you..." because they are
always what you think about them, not what you feel. These give no
information about your own experience or feelings. Like "I feel that
you are untrustworthy because you didn't call." (A true "I" message
would be: "I don't trust you, because you didn't call.") Or "I feel
that you are wrong about that." (better: "I disagree.") "I know you
are trying to hurt me." (better: "I feel attacked and unsafe with
you.") Sometimes changing these into direct questions is useful:
"Why didn't you call me?"
B. WHAT YOU WANT AND WHY:
Say exactly what you want the other person to do from now on (what
you want), as opposed to explaining what they were doing "wrong"
(What you don't want). Going into all the ways the other person was
"bad" puts people on the defensive and closes them down. Stating the
problem as factually as possible is helpful.
Not so good: "You never get to meetings on time! You are so
unreliable and self centered!"
Better: "You have been late every day this week. I would like you to
get here on time from now on. I am frustrated when you are late."
Begin by asking for 100% of what you want. You can compromise later,
after you hear what they want, to work out something mutually
agreeable.
EXPLAIN WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU: It will help the other person to
understand what you want and need if you tell them why. Ex: "It is
important to me because the other people at the meeting can't really
get started until you arrive, and a lot of time gets wasted." This is
especially important when talking to young people. "Because I said
so" is not a good reason, it is a command.
C. MAKE SURE THEY HEARD WHAT YOU SAID
PARAPHRASING--After one person has expressed their thoughts, feeling
and wants, have the listener paraphrase what was just said in their
own words. Do this every few minutes, or it will be hard for the
listener to remember all that was said! Ex: "What did you hear me
say?" "I heard that you are frustrated because you don't like waiting
for me to arrive to get started working, and you want me to be prompt
from now on." Keep doing this until the first speaker feels
satisfied that the listener heard what was being said.
D. TAKE TURNS--They deserve a chance to say what they have to say to
you.
After the first person speaks, and the listener says what they heard,
then let the listener have a turn. Keep taking turns until you feel
that everything has been said. Try to give each other approximately
equal time. It is not fair if one person keeps talking so long that
the other doesn't have a turn. You can even time it--try five
minutes each, back and forth til you feel done.
# Things that hurt and block good communication
## Disrespect
Things that imply the person is helpless, unimportant and incompetent.
INTERRUPTIONS: breaking in while the other person is talking, before
they are done. It implies that what they have to say is not
important. Sometimes this is unavoidable, like when you have a time
deadline, or when the other person is attacking you. You can say
"Excuse me for interrupting, but..." "This isn't working for me." If
the other person interrupts you, or seems to spend much more time
talking that is fair, express your feelings using "I" messages, and
request change.
RESCUING: Stepping in to take care of someone, doing it for them,
protecting them in a way that keeps them from learning from their own
direct experiences. "Oh, here, let me do that." "I'll tell him for
you." This is not the same as defending someone from an attack, when
they really need help. It is more like not letting them have a
chance to be as strong as they really are.
ADVICE: Telling someone what you think they should do to solve a
problem. "Maybe you could try..." Even if it seems that you know
exactly what they should do, really they are the only person who can
know the best thing in their own unique situation. Advice implies
lack of trust and respect in the person's own power. Sometimes it is
appropriate when they ask for it directly.
CORRECTING: Pointing out bluntly what they did wrong. "You said
'ain't' again. That's bad grammar." "You shouldn't have told him the
answer."
ASSUMING/MIND READING: Believing that you know exactly what the other
person is experiencing. "I know just how you feel, it is caused
by..." "Oh that has happened to me a million times, don't you feel
mad?"
## Humiliation
Ways of actively putting other people down, or insulting them.
KIDDING: this is often a form of disguised criticism or insult, which
would not be said at all if it had to be said in a straightforward
way. Kidding makes people defensive and cautious. If challenged,
the kidder can say "Oh, I didn't mean it" but there is always some
truth under a jibe. Ex: "Hey, is there a real face under all that
make-up?"
SARCASM & RIDICULE: like kidding but usually intended to be hurtful.
Sarcasm is saying one thing when you mean the opposite. Ex: "Oh my,
look at the beauty queen today! I just LOVE your make up." Ridicule
is mocking and sneering with the intent to belittle. "You don't even
know THAT?" "Everybody else has a better one than you."
SHAME: Making someone feel somehow bad, wrong and that they should be
different. Shame is a paralyzing feeling that keeps us from learning
from our experiences and mistakes. Ex: "How could you wear so much
make up? Shame on you! That's disgusting!"
NAME-CALLING AND LABELING: Name calling is a personal insult: "You
look like a slut!" "You are stupid" "Dummy!". Labeling is putting
down the person as a member of a whole group: "All you freshmen are
so uncool and tacky." "Another dumb blond." Both of these make it
hard for the other person to respond in any way except being
defensive. There is no invitation to improve the situation or be
helpful. They are another form of hurtful attacks.
DISCOUNTING: When someone is not taken seriously, either for their
feelings or thinking. Discrediting or invalidating a person's right
to state what is real for them. Ex: "Oh it's not that bad." "Why are
you upset about that little thing?" "Don't be silly." "No, that's
wrong. You don't know what you are talking about." "You're to young
to know what I mean." Or even worse: "You don't really feel that way."
## Manipulations
Unhealthy ways of trying to make the other person to do what you
want, or see it your way. Using fear and guilt to get them to
change.
ORDERING: telling them what to do directly without considering their
wants or needs ("You must finish that right now!" "Shut up and
listen!")
COERCION: Sneaky ways to get someone to do something, like bribing
("I'll like you better if you do this for me") or pressuring
("Everybody will know that you are the only one who didn't go along
with this" "Come on, just try it once, just a little?")
THREATENING & WARNING: Directly threatening bad results ("If you
don't do this, I'll never speak to you again.") or intimidating ("You
are really going to get in trouble if you do that").
PREACHING & SHOULDS: Assuming you know what is best for them. "You
should always be honest with your mother." "Everyone knows that the
right thing is to always be clean and tidy."
TEACHING: Giving a lecture, telling them you know more than they do,
giving information when it is not wanted. You may be correct in what
you are saying, but if you don't say it in a way the other person can
hear it, it is useless. "Sugar inhibits your immune system, you
know--it's really bad for you."
## Hurtful attacks
Ways of trying to hurt the other person, making them your enemy,
saying they are the problem, fighting
ACCUSATIONS: Telling others what we suspect to be true, in a
disapproving way. "You left those dirty dishes!" "You cheated on
that test!" They are almost certain to deny or argue in response.
These can easily be turned into questions to get accurate
information: "Did you leave the dirty dishes?"
GENERALIZATIONS: Always and Never are words to avoid. "You always
say the wrong thing!" "You never tell me you love me." It may feel
like it's true, but it usually isn't, and it gives the other person
something to argue with.
BLAME: Making it seem as though it is all the other person's fault,
and that they are bad. "This is all your fault! You're the one that
got me in trouble!" It implies that their very nature is bad and
ignores why they may have acted in that way. It is important to
separate people's negative behavior from who they really are; in
other words, the action is bad but the person isn't. Often negative
behavior is just a mistake. When it is intentional acting out, that
is a call for help and attention from someone who is hurting inside.
Often blame is used to project the responsibility onto someone else,
when really it was our own.
ESCALATIONS: When you are arguing about something, and it is getting
louder and faster and more heated. The end of an escalation is a
shouting match, in which no one is thinking or listening. If you
feel an escalation happening, tell the other person that this is too
intense and loud for you to continue right now, and wait quietly to
see if they calm down. Tell them what you hear them saying, in as
considerate a way as possible. If they don't calm down, it is better
to leave and try to talk again later. It's not necessary or helpful
to be some else's punching bag or dumping ground.
GOSSIPING AND BACKSTABBING: Complaint about someone, but not taking
it directly to them, but instead complaining to everyone else about
them. "Do you know what she said to me yesterday?" This hurts the
other person in many ways- mainly because the people who are
listening to the gossip form negative thoughts about them without
hearing their side of the story. People will often gossip to form
coalitions; to get a group of people on "their side". This is very
divisive in a group, and it makes a problem between two people become
a problem of the whole group.
It is much more workable to take your issue directly to the person
you have it with. Or as mentioned earlier, discuss the problem with
others first, preferably with people who are not involved, but don't
reveal the identity of the other person.
IGNORING and ABANDONING: This may not seem like an attack, but really
it is the most devastating way to hurt someone emotionally. It is a
cutting off of relationship, a closing of the door for communication.
Many of us learned to do it, since in the past there was usually not
a way to clear up the bad feelings, our only choice was to ignore
them and avoid the other person. But this leaves a festering wound
between you. Attempts to avoid the other person often mean giving
them a lot of power over your life, for example choosing to not
attend events you think they might be at. Ignoring someone can be
used as a last resort, if all attempts at communication have failed,
and the other person still insists on attacking you. But it is a
short term, less than ideal solution. It usually feels better if we
can discover why the other person is attacking us, and try to deal
with the real problem and resolve it.
## Getting help
Don't Give Up Before you Have asked for Help
MEDIATION: If you have tried to communicate one-to-one and it hasn't
worked, or if for some other reason you feel unsafe communicating
that way, call in a third person to mediate. This will often defuse
the conflict enough to work it out rationally. The mediator can help
make sure that the guidelines are followed, that each person has
equal time, that each person is hearing the other, and that things do
not escalate. Professional mediators also help people work out
agreements and solve problems.
RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING SESSIONS: These are different from mediation
because the purpose is to explore the feelings of each person about
the other, and see what is within each person that is creating their
mutual problem. The counselor may work with each person, encouraging
emotional expression, while the other person watches. This promotes
greater understanding about the roots of the conflict and can be
essential if the problem is between mates or family members. Some
relationship counselors also do mediation and problem solving.
©1998 by Amara Wahaba Karuna
tags: article,conflict resolution,self-help
# Tags
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conflict resolution
self-help
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