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# 2022-07-20 - Deep Listening by Jillian Pransky | |
The cover and title of this book caught my eye in the used book | |
store. This book has 10 chapters. Each chapter has informative text | |
plus the following sections: | |
* Yoga | |
* Restorative Yoga | |
* Meditation | |
* Contemplations | |
* Journaling Prompts | |
* Instant Pause and Resets | |
The reader is invited to record their own voice reading the | |
contemplation section and then listen to it as a guided meditation. | |
I liked the journaling prompts. They sound simple when i read them, | |
but the experience was more profound. | |
I especially liked the self-paced, non-judgmental tone of this book. | |
What follows are excerpts from the book. I generally took notes from | |
the main body of each chapter and not from the special sections. | |
# Introduction | |
Deep Listening is the process of truly connecting to ourselves and | |
our lives. It isn't so much a specific technique as it is an | |
approach to how we receive and respond to ourselves and others. | |
Deep Listening is the habit of paying close and tender attention to | |
our body, our mind, and our heart so we can meet our "stress" | |
differently. This type of attention provides us with more resources | |
and a greater capacity--physically, mentally, emotionally, and | |
relationally--to respond calmly, clearly, and wisely, and also to | |
engage more fully and expansively in our life. | |
We're going to develop Deep Listening tools that focus on | |
experiencing our connectedness. This feeling of connection not only | |
changes the way we respond to stress, it actually leaves us feeling | |
less stressed, increasing the amount of joy in our life, and sets the | |
conditions for us to evolve. | |
That might sound like a big promise, but it's not. We're designed to | |
feel deep connections. And we are going to learn how. | |
The tools we'll use are simple and may even be familiar to | |
you--meditation, yoga, relaxation, mindfulness, journaling, and an | |
"Instant Pause and Reset" technique that can be done anywhere, at any | |
time. | |
These mind-body practices are designed to balance the nervous system | |
and have been known to increase immune functionality, enhance the | |
process of digestion, and set the whole body up for deep healing, | |
growth, and repair. They also help us discover and release the | |
tension we hold, making us more comfortable and at ease in our body. | |
... These tools help us develop the skills that, over time, can | |
actually transform our lives. | |
The Instant Pause and Resets allow you to quickly refresh and shift | |
your energy. They have been one of my most treasured tools for | |
getting calm and clear. | |
Let me tell you a secret: Even after more than two decades of yoga | |
and meditation practice, I still need help centering myself when | |
something sends me reeling. So I created these short, 3-breath | |
"resets" that I use throughout the day. | |
Here's another secret: I don't wait until I need them. I usually | |
schedule them into my routine, maybe three times a day. In fact, on | |
days when I know I really need the extra support, I set my phone | |
alarm every two hours to remind me to Pause and Reset. | |
# Chapter 1, Welcome | |
When a major event, transition, or unexpected incident triggers a big | |
shift in perspective, feelings we have buried for years often rise | |
up, seemingly out of nowhere. | |
I think of well-being as the ability to live in a state of | |
contentment. Contentment is a bit different from simply being happy. | |
We usually think of happiness as dependent on a set of | |
circumstances. Contentment, on the other hand, is not dependent on | |
anything. It's a sense of not needing or wanting things to be | |
different, in order to feel "okay." | |
When we cultivate a sense of well-being, we are developing a | |
relationship with ourselves that provides... strength and security... | |
Well-being is the ability to stay grounded, relaxed, and open to | |
whatever your circumstances are. It's the freedom to be present with | |
whatever is going on inside our outside of you. | |
We cultivate well-being by relaxing into the life that we have right | |
now. | |
Fostering a sense of well-being does not require anything especially | |
difficult. But it does require showing up and spending time with | |
ourselves in a way we may not be accustomed to. | |
Showing up starts with a simple action: We pause. | |
Pausing is an activity that's accomplished exactly the way you'd | |
think--we just stop for a bit. It's a small break that we take, on | |
purpose, to gather ourselves. | |
When we pause, we take a moment to be with ourselves, right here, | |
right now, in whatever state we're in. We don't have to do anything. | |
We don't have to feel any particular way. | |
Pausing gives us extra room to take things in. It allows us time to | |
listen to ourselves before responding or reacting. We pause so we | |
can pay attention to ourselves, to others, and to the world around us | |
in a more open and compassionate way. It's one of the main tools we | |
use to release tension in our bodies and in our minds. It's one of | |
the most valuable skills we can develop to change habits that do not | |
serve us. | |
Every time I practice, the first thing I do is pause and welcome | |
myself. | |
Imagine that moment when you truly sense how delighted some is that | |
you've arrived. | |
When we feel welcomed, we show up more. | |
There is no more powerful message we can send to ourselves than | |
greeting ourselves with open arms. | |
# Chapter 2, Let Yourself Land | |
As a young woman [growing up in a family of boys], I wanted to feel | |
valuable, and I always felt valued when I worked. So I worked MORE. | |
More jobs. More assignments. Better titles. | |
I loved my job. I loved my strong body. I loved being a mother. | |
And because I was "good" at it all, I thought I was supposed to do | |
MORE of it. | |
During each of my three health crises... I felt as if the ground had | |
crumbled beneath me. I was a strong, can-do person--and then, | |
suddenly, I wasn't. | |
I now have reverence for my burnout, my anxiety, and the way that I | |
dropped completely. These trials were my teachers, forcing me to | |
ask, "Why am I always pushing so hard?" | |
My favorite description of how hard we're always working comes from | |
True Refuge by psychologist and meditation teacher Tara Brach. She | |
says, "It's like we're in a motorboat noisily zipping around, trying | |
to find a place that is quiet, peaceful, and still. We're solving a | |
problem, responding to demands, preparing for what's next, improving | |
ourselves. But we're just making more waves and noise wherever we | |
go. It counters our ambitious conditioning but true freedom comes | |
when we throttle back the motor and come naturally to stillness." | |
Somehow, we believe that if we stop working so hard, something will | |
NOT be okay. WE will not be okay, and this creates a lot of stress. | |
When we're zipping around, it's as if we're forever running toward | |
something or running away from something, and our nervous system | |
thinks, "Oh, if you're running, things must not be okay. I'll help! | |
I'll give you more of what you need to run!" and that "help" sets off | |
a whole series of events in our body and in our mind. | |
The [hormonal] stress response leaves us ungrounded so we become | |
naturally and powerfully drawn to anything that makes us feel better | |
quickly, even if it doesn't last. | |
So when we don't think we're "okay" ... our brain is operating in | |
emergency mode and we are psychologically unable to make considered | |
and compassionate choices. We react rather than respond, and our | |
reactions are formed by our survival instincts. [Fight, Flight, | |
Freeze, Fawn] Because, as far as our neurology is concerned, we're | |
in the face of a threat, and all that matters is that we get safe and | |
things become okay. This is our biology--it's true for all of us. | |
... the relationship between the stress response and the relaxation | |
response--the dual aspects of our neurology that are in charge of | |
either keeping us safe OR keeping us nourished and well. Like a | |
light switch that is either on or off, both of these responses cannot | |
be engaged at the same time. | |
[ | |
Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers, a book about the stress response | |
The Relaxation Response, a book about the relaxation response | |
] | |
... the relationship between our mind and our body is so fundamental | |
and interconnected that it almost makes no sense to discuss the two | |
as separate entities. When we start to experience this connection, | |
it allows us to understand how we can support ourselves emotionally | |
by working with our body, and how we can support our physical healing | |
by attending to our emotions. | |
So, feeling grounded does not necessarily occur only when we're | |
cultivated a "balanced" mental state. It can also develop by | |
noticing what it feels like when our body is completely supported by | |
the earth. | |
We are training to become more and more familiar with the moment when | |
we feel ourselves--physically and emotionally--land on the ground. | |
That moment when we exhale and we feel like we don't have to keep it | |
all together and hold it all up and get it all done. We're training | |
ourselves to notice that moment when we feel completely unencumbered, | |
even for a very short time. In truth, it calms our nervous system | |
when we feel a sense of support in our life and in our world. | |
Since one of the most powerful ways to feel more okay mentally and | |
emotionally is to learn how to relax the body, we begin by learning | |
how to relax one of the most chronically tensed muscles in all of us. | |
The psoas is a long muscle that connects our legs to our spin. When | |
we feel unsafe, this muscle contracts. In fact, it's the very first | |
muscle that's activated if we need to fight, flee, or freeze [or | |
fawn]. | |
All day long, our nervous system is communicating with our psoas, and | |
our psoas is sending information back to our nervous system. Mind | |
and body are in constant conversation about our feelings of safety. | |
This communication system gets complicated when our daily habits | |
affect messages to and from our psoas. For instance, the psoas | |
contracts not only when we feel threatened but also when we drive, | |
when we sit for too long, and when we walk on concrete. Even walking | |
in certain shoes can tighten our psoas. In other words, this muscle | |
becomes constricted from things most of us do every single day. | |
A tight psoas can cause back pain. Or, because it attaches in our | |
midsection, a tight psoas can hamper digestion. As extreme as it | |
sounds, this muscle can affect so many of our systems that when it's | |
chronically constricted, not only can it leave us physically | |
uncomfortable but it can also leave us emotionally unsettled and | |
anxious. | |
When our psoas is tight, it's hard to sense ourselves landing on the | |
ground. But when the psoas is malleable and pliable, it allows us to | |
feel safe and grounded--like we belong on the earth. | |
Once we feel the safety offered by the ground, we can begin to relax. | |
Instead of our tendency to keep zipping around trying to make things | |
better, we can pause and listen to what is actually going on in our | |
body and in our life. Because as we'll learn, when we view our life | |
through a lens of stress, we often don't see things as they really | |
are. | |
Experiencing life from a place of calmness and clarity changes us. | |
When we're calm, our brain turns our big-picture, prefrontal cortex | |
thinking back on and we actually begin making decisions that better | |
serve us. We are able to listen confidently to our intuition, and | |
our choices begin to emerge from deep wisdom and compassion. | |
# Chapter 3, Being Here | |
When we can't breath easily, we become anxious, and our mind starts | |
racing out of the present. We become unable to thoughtfully attend | |
to what's going on right in front of us. | |
Each time we pause and replace our attention on our breath, our mind | |
comes "home" to our body. | |
Paying attention to our breath brings us here, into the present, | |
where we are able to notice what's happening within us and around us | |
on a moment-to-moment basis. | |
We can be in the most relaxing, nourishing place in the world, but if | |
we are busy-minded or fast-forwarding or rewinding to some other | |
place, we have a completely different experience. | |
If we want to develop a sense of well-being, we need to come back | |
here. IF we want our body to move into the mode of health and | |
healing, we need to come back here. | |
We live under the illusion that we can control the events of our | |
lives. Everything we work so tirelessly to construct--from our | |
relationships to our jobs to our identities--can change in an instant. | |
When we're young, it's easier to embrace change. In fact, unfamiliar | |
experiences are necessary for parts of our brain to develop. But as | |
we get older, we are more naturally drawn to sameness. That is how | |
we're wired. A certain amount of predictability in life helps us | |
feel safe. | |
... the natural order of things is not sameness, but change. | |
Seasonal changes are something we rely on, even look forward to. Yet | |
we spend a lot of energy trying to resist change in our life. | |
... the stress response initiates in about one-twentieth of a | |
second--the time between two heartbeats. | |
Similarly to the way we can take a physical approach to "feel" | |
grounded, we can also address our anxiety by focusing on what's | |
happening in our body. For example, we know that our psoas muscle | |
tightens when we are stressed. The top of the psoas attaches to our | |
spin right around the diaphragm, and ideally, when we breathe, our | |
spine moves supplely. However, when the psoas contracts into that | |
urgent runner's stance, it pulls on our spine. As a result, the | |
spine moves less fluidly and the area around our diaphragm becomes | |
compressed and constricted. The less freely the spine moves, the | |
less easily we breathe. | |
And the less freely we breathe, the more anxious--and less | |
present--we feel. | |
The good news: Mindful breathing can break that loop. | |
When our diaphragm is moving fully and freely, a message is sent | |
through our nervous system that says, "We're safe." | |
[Slow, easy breathing] calms us, letting our brain know that | |
[survival mode] can go offline. | |
Slowing our breath down takes little more than attention. | |
... the breath is continual and constant. It gives us the | |
opportunity, over and over, wherever we happen to be, to notice "This | |
is an in breath" and "This is an out breath." | |
Every breath is new, and every breath brings us into the present | |
moment. | |
The practice isn't to figure out how to stay HERE, it's learning how | |
to come back. Our practice actually begins each and every time we | |
find ourselves THERE instead of HERE. We're learning how to notice | |
that we've tripped out and then how to guide ourselves back. It | |
doesn't matter how many times we trip out. What matters is that we | |
return. | |
# Chapter 4, How We Hold | |
[The author was very tense when she went in for lab work. Though the | |
needle was in her vein, no blood came out. The nurse encouraged the | |
author to relax and breathe deeply. After the author did this, her | |
blood started flowing through the needle.] | |
When we are stressed, our muscles contract and many of our systems | |
are compromised. I was so bound up emotionally that morning, the | |
tension in my body affected my blood flow. | |
In my experience, muscle tension is different from muscle tightness. | |
Tension usually contains a psychological or emotional component. | |
Living with tension is like getting dressed to go to a party in | |
clothes that are two sizes too small. Everything feels constricted. | |
It's uncomfortable. | |
The first thing we need to realize is how much we think. We are a | |
thinking species, and our brain is built to generate thought | |
constantly--meaning nonstop. When we pay attention to our thought | |
stream, we become aware that we tend to start little conversations | |
with our many thoughts. | |
We take our original thought and start adding to it. And in doing | |
so, we begin to give the whole thought stream more weight. Getting | |
tangled up in thoughts like this is so natural, we are barely aware | |
it's happening. | |
Often our original thought is neutral before we start the dialogue. | |
According to current research, an average of more than ninety percent | |
of our daily thoughts tend to be repeats. Our repeat thoughts are | |
one of the main ways we zip away from here, usually without even | |
noticing. | |
What makes this especially troubling is that studies show upwards of | |
80% of our repeat thoughts tend to be negative in nature. | |
These thoughts are usually ones that remind us how we need to be | |
better and do more. The thoughts we return to are not the ones that | |
make us feel spacious, worthy, and alive. They're the ones our mind | |
considers threatening. | |
This tendency... is a function of our evolutionary design to keep | |
ourselves safe. | |
Neuroscientist and brain researcher Jill Bolte Taylor describes a | |
phenomenon she came to understand after she'd suffered a stroke and | |
was working to recover her own brain function. She... discovered | |
that our triggering, weighty thoughts have a natural lifespan of only | |
about ninety seconds--as long as we do not engage with them. In | |
other words, if we have a potentially stressful thought... and we | |
simply observe that thought without "adding on," the feelings that | |
are stirred up will typically rise, crest, and dissipate naturally in | |
about a minute and a half. | |
Ninety seconds can feel like a long time if we're stirred up | |
emotionally. But the beauty of this knowledge is that we can begin | |
to see for ourselves that our feelings often pass quickly if we don't | |
feed them with attention. | |
When we engage [our thoughts] in conversation, unconsciously or on | |
purpose, we're making them more solid. Whether we intend to or not, | |
we're inviting them to stay. | |
Rather than having a conversation with our thoughts, we are going to | |
practice just noticing them. Because understanding how our mind | |
works sets the groundwork for noticing where tension resides in our | |
body. | |
But as gently as noticing is, it is still a skill--something that | |
comes more easily with practice. | |
...before we can release how we hold, we have to discover where we | |
hold. This can be tricky at first; it isn't always obvious where our | |
tension resides. We're so used to living with it, we can think we | |
are relaxed while, in fact, we are still harboring tension. | |
# Chapter 5, Making Space | |
I am no longer fond of the concept of letting things go because it | |
implies we need to eliminate something from our life, and that idea | |
can create more tension. | |
So instead of trying to "let things go," I invite my students to "let | |
things be." This is the attitude from which we can make space. | |
When we release our tension, what had been protected becomes exposed. | |
Usually, we've done such a good job shielding ourselves it leaves us | |
feeling very vulnerable when we shed some armor. And when we sense | |
our vulnerability, we feel the need to protect ourselves even more. | |
Creating space does not mean increasing the distance between you and | |
whatever makes you uneasy. Rather, we create space by training | |
ourselves to recognize a triggering moment and then choose to relax | |
on purpose. However, most of us can't simply "relax" on command. | |
Instead, we need to work gently with the design of our nervous system. | |
# Chapter 6, Listening Softly | |
A listening practice begins with making a choice to relax with | |
whatever comes up in our body, mind, and heart. It means choosing to | |
receive in a tender, nonjudgmental way whatever our tension has been | |
protecting. It means opening up, over and over, to anything we | |
discover, without feeling the need to critique or fix or change. | |
The mindset we cultivate to meet ourselves in this way might be the | |
most valuable skill we ever develop. ...the way we listen to what | |
our body is saying will either leave us feeling as though we are | |
being cared for or as if we need to protect ourselves. It is our | |
manner and attitude that will leave us feeling open and soft or | |
hardened and closed. | |
Yoga is not about "assuming" a pose or posture. It's about | |
discovering how we feel in the pose as we're doing it. | |
Releasing our tension requires softness. | |
It does not require knowing all the answers to whatever may come up. | |
We don't need to figure anything out. We just need to give ourselves | |
kind and friendly space to receive not only our first uncomfortable | |
thought or feeling but every uncomfortable thought or feeling. | |
Our real strength is in our ability to soften and receive. | |
# Chapter 7, Listening Deeply | |
The more we pause, soften, and listen deeply to what's stored inside | |
us, the easier it becomes to relax our "shoulds" and "supposed tos." | |
Listening to our inner voice rewires us. It allows us more access to | |
our big-picture thinking, more comfort when we're in a state of | |
"not-knowing," and a greater capacity to pause before responding to | |
challenging circumstances in our lives. It becomes easier to feel | |
our own spaciousness and flexibility, allowing us to experience our | |
relationships--and our life--in ways that we were not able to before. | |
In other words, our perspective begins to change. | |
We also need to understand that even if we do hear our inner wisdom | |
clearly, we may not yet know that we can trust it. | |
To become more confident in responding in ways that are wise for us, | |
we simply begin by wondering "What does it feel like to be me right | |
now?" And a mindful yoga practice provides us with all the tools we | |
need to answer that question again and again. | |
Listening to ourselves with kindness and curiosity not only clears up | |
the static, it helps us generate faith in what we hear and our | |
ability to respond. | |
Feelings are not fixed; there's never one single way you "should" | |
feel about anything. | |
Now, every morning when I sit to meditate, I ask myself, "What do I | |
need to know today?" | |
The power of this question is not in the answer but rather in the | |
asking. It's a curious and gentle question. It's purpose is to open | |
us up to the wisdom inside us. The question itself helps to clear | |
our static. | |
When we can listen to ourselves in a welcoming, embracing way, it | |
shifts how we listen in the world. | |
Listening deeply allows us to broaden our perspective of who we | |
really are. | |
As our perspective changes, it's easier to see not only the | |
difference between our experiences and who we are but also that we | |
are all much bigger than our circumstances. Once we can relax into | |
that space between stimulus and response, not only are our options | |
different, WE are different. | |
# Chapter 8, Listening Bravely | |
When someone is treated with kindness and compassion they are more | |
apt to act kindly themselves. But also, when we consciously choose | |
compassion toward another, we're actually flexing our "empathy | |
muscle" and making it stronger. | |
When we feel compassion, we release hormones that make it easier to | |
sense our similarities, as opposed to the stress hormones that can | |
keep us focused on our differences. Our "compassion hormones" make | |
it easier to be grateful rather than cynical. We naturally begin to | |
relax some of the ways we guard ourselves. We perceive fewer | |
boundaries between ourselves and the rest of the world, and this | |
makes us feel that we're part of something much bigger. | |
# Chapter 9, Listening Again and Again and Again | |
Even if it feels as if they define us, we can always make a choice to | |
evolve our stories. And in doing so, we ourselves evolve. | |
There's a Native American tale about a grandfather trying to impart | |
this wisdom to his young grandson. | |
The grandfather explains that it's as if we each have two wolves | |
living within us. One wolf represents all that we consider good: | |
kindness, courage, compassion, love. The other wolf represents the | |
darker parts: fear, hatred, anger, greed. | |
"The two wolves are in constant battle," the grandfather tells the | |
boy, letting him know that everyone struggles with their own conflict | |
between darkness and light. | |
"Which wolf wins?" the boy asks his grandpa. | |
"Whichever one you feed." | |
Not only can we offer ourselves a do-over every day, but doing so is | |
truly the essence of what our practice is all about. | |
"Setting intentions" can sound very New Agey, but it's something most | |
of us already do on a regular basis. | |
If people don't know exactly what they want for themselves in the | |
moment, I suggest an easy, go-to intention that I consider | |
invaluable: "May I be open to whatever I need to know right now." | |
Setting intentions is part of the process of creating new, more | |
nourishing habits. The more often we pause and set an intention, the | |
easier it becomes to make wise choices. And then the easier it is to | |
do it again. | |
There's no need to wait until we are in a heated battle with a loved | |
one to call a do-over, and there's no need to wait for a particular | |
day to start evolving our future. We have all the tools we need to | |
affect our well-bring right now. We can start every day with a fresh | |
intention. | |
Deep Listening is a lifelong practice. There is no magical moment | |
when we're "done." | |
## Journaling Prompts | |
* What does your future self want you to know? | |
* What does Future You wish for you, today, right now? | |
* What does Future You want you to remember about your well-being? | |
* What does Future You want you to remember about love? | |
[I liked these prompts a lot. They seem less threatening than an | |
externally imposed demand that I plan for my future and have goals | |
for where I will be 5 or 10 years from now. Amy Palatnik taught me | |
about my past self giving a gift to my future self, such as the gift | |
of better dental health via oral hygiene. It is interesting to | |
consider a goal as a gift given from my future self to my past self.] | |
# Chapter 10, A Deep Listening Practice: Putting It All Together | |
Well-being is the ability to feel okay no matter what our | |
circumstances. To respond to the people and events in our lives from | |
a place that's calm, clear, and open rather than react from old | |
habits or stories that may not serve us. | |
The more relaxed we are, the better able we are to nurture our own | |
well-being. True relaxation is a conscious and intentional activity. | |
We're working with a system that is designed to not let its guard | |
down easily. | |
* We begin by pausing to welcome ourselves, in whatever state we're | |
in. When we feel welcomed, we show up more. | |
* We pause to feel our feet on the ground--to land--which allows us | |
to feel safe, stable, and grounded. | |
* We pause to notice our breath, which anchors our mind in the | |
present moment. | |
* We pause to notice our thoughts, feelings, and any physical | |
tension. We remind ourselves that we don't need to fix anything, | |
we just need to observe what arises and give it all a little more | |
space with our breath. We practice allowing ourselves to "feel" | |
what we feel without adding criticism, judgment, or regret. We | |
practice noticing how our thoughts and feelings naturally come and | |
go when we don't add on. | |
* We practice making the choice, again and again, to go through all | |
the steps we need in order to make space for the next thing that | |
comes up, and the next thing and the next thing. | |
* We practice regarding ourselves and our circumstances with an | |
attitude of kindness and curiosity. We grow present and listen | |
softly, with our eyes, ears, and heart. | |
* We relax our "shoulds" and our "supposed tos" and allow ourselves | |
to listen to what our wise, inner guidance has to say. | |
* We practice regarding the people in our lives with an attitude of | |
compassion--at first quietly and privately on our own--whether we | |
think they deserve our compassion or not. We offer compassion to | |
the people closest to us and the people who challenge us. And we | |
offer compassion to ourselves. | |
* We practice meeting our feelings, our challenges, our ideal and | |
not-so-ideal circumstances with the intention of staying relaxed, | |
curious, and open in the face of all of it. | |
* And when we're done doing all that, we get up the next day and do | |
it again. | |
author: Pransky, Jillian | |
detail: https://www.jillianpransky.com/deeplistening | |
ISBN: 978-62336-856-2 | |
tags: book,inspiration,non-fiction,spirit,yoga | |
title: Deep Listening | |
# Tags | |
book | |
inspiration | |
non-fiction | |
spirit | |
yoga |