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# 2020-09-22 - Family Happiness Handbook by Laura Musikanski | |
Hand and spectrum | |
I felt delighted by the clarity, depth, and succinctness in this | |
handbook. Below is a text-only transcription: | |
# Contents | |
* Chapter 1: Principles | |
* Chapter 2: Habits | |
* Chapter 3: Horsemen | |
* #1 Never speak with contempt | |
* #2 Never criticize | |
* #3 Never be defensive | |
* #4 Never stonewall | |
# Chapter 1: Principles | |
Three principles for happiness in families and life. Based on Gary | |
Chapman's Five Languages of Love | |
## 1. Do no harm with words. Speak, Act, & Be Love. | |
Use words to express encouragement, appreciation, and gratitude as | |
often as possible. | |
Life is hard enough and family should be a source of support and | |
feeling good about yourself. | |
Examples: | |
* I appreciate you. | |
* You are a good person. | |
* I love you. | |
* You are beautiful. | |
* Thank you for everything you do. | |
* It is a joy to have you in my life. | |
* I really admire you. Let me tell you why. | |
* I am so proud of you. | |
* What a good job you have done! | |
## 2. Be as generous as you can and then a little more. | |
* Be generous with your time. | |
* Be generous with acts of service. | |
* Be generous with your praise. | |
* Be generous with gifts. | |
## 3. Touch, hug, hold, snuggle, cuddle, enfold, cherish, envelop, | |
## encircle, pet, pat, massage...touch. | |
Without touch, babies do not survive. | |
(A study conduced in 1944 to determine whether infants could survive | |
without affection resulted in the death of babies who were not | |
touched. Further studies by researcher Harlow on monkeys confirmed | |
the need for touch and loving attachment.) | |
Without touch, children are vulnerable to abuse. | |
Touch should always be consensual. Even small children should have | |
the option of not being hugged, cuddled, held, snuggled, etc. | |
Touch guidelines: | |
* Ask first. | |
* No means no. | |
* Never insist. | |
Sexual touch should only be for sexually mature people in consensual | |
relationships. Never between adults and children. | |
# Chapter 2: Habits | |
The first chapter of the Family Happiness Handbook presents | |
principles that you can use as a basis for new habits. | |
Employ these principles with family members and with your self-talk | |
(the words you use when thinking about yourself). | |
Habits take about 21 days to form. | |
At first, new behaviors may feel uncomfortable or insincere. Give | |
yourself time to form your habit. Remember: progress not perfection | |
Over time, it will feel natural and become normal for you. | |
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can hurt forever. | |
Words have incredible power. | |
They shape your feelings, your ideas about yourself, your | |
expectations, and your world view. | |
They can heal and they can hurt. | |
The third chapter of the Family Happiness Handbook lays out four | |
toxic habits and pathways for replacing them with loving habits. | |
If you have a habit of expressing yourself in harmful ways, be honest | |
with yourself about the harm intended. Take notice of the harm your | |
words produce. Make a vow to yourself to change your habitual way of | |
talking from harmful to helpful--genuinely, honestly and lovingly | |
helpful. | |
# Chapter 3: Horsemen | |
Four ways of using speech you should NEVER use with your family. | |
Based on Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. | |
Don't do it: | |
* Contempt | |
* Criticism | |
* Defensiveness | |
* Stonewalling | |
## #1 Never speak with contempt | |
Contemptuous expressions come in many forms. It is based on feelings | |
of hatred or aversion: | |
* Belittling | |
* Disrespect | |
* Disdain | |
* Depreciation | |
* Scorn | |
* Slighting | |
* Disgust | |
* Derision | |
* Mockery | |
* Mean Humor | |
* Disparagement | |
* Sarcasm | |
* Put downs | |
* Hatred | |
Body language counts. | |
Contempt is often expressed with one side of the mouth raised, eyes | |
narrowed, and body turned away. When not sure, try mirroring body | |
language of another to determine their feelings. | |
Instead of Contempt: Express Appreciation | |
When feelings of contempt arise, pause. | |
Find a way to flip the situation in your heart. | |
Search for the good in the person you are speaking to. | |
Remind yourself of why you love them. | |
Express gratitude. | |
Notes on flipping contempt to appreciation: | |
Old habits die hard. Watch yourself to see if you use appreciation | |
as a way to express contempt, such as with backhanded compliments or | |
sarcasm. | |
Don't let yourself get away with it, if you do. | |
Develop a habit of being genuinely appreciative. | |
It takes time to flip a habit of being contemptuous to appreciative. | |
It takes diligence, honesty with yourself, and self-awareness to | |
transform the habit of contempt into appreciation, but it will pay | |
off. | |
Contempt is often a defense against fear of failure or fear of not | |
being accepted or valued. | |
Appreciation gets you what your heart wants. | |
## #2 Never criticize | |
Criticism comes in many forms. It often is based in a desire to help | |
someone or change them. | |
* Correcting | |
* Attacking | |
* Aggression | |
* Uninvited advice | |
* Uninvited helpful statements | |
* Uninvited suggestions for improvements | |
* Questioning without real desire to understand (more like an | |
inquisition) | |
Note: Keep mindful of the intent and situation when giving advice, | |
suggestions, etc. When invited and wanted, and spoken with love, the | |
same words that would be critical can be loving and helpful. | |
Instead of Criticizing: Focus on Your Needs Instead of Their Flaws. | |
When the desire to criticize arises, ask yourself what your unmet | |
needs are in the moment. | |
Speak with "I statements" to state your needs. | |
Needs include: | |
* Acceptance | |
* Empathy | |
* Touch | |
* Love | |
* Play | |
* Hope | |
* Ease | |
* Order | |
* Space | |
* Purpose | |
* Presence | |
* Participation | |
* Independence | |
* To see and be seen | |
* To understand and be understood | |
Note on needs: | |
Expressing needs does not imply someone else is responsible for | |
meeting them. | |
It's okay to ask someone to meet your needs, but not to expect them | |
to meet your needs. | |
It takes courage to express your needs. It may feel safer to be | |
critical or contemptuous, but in the end, being unpleasant ensures | |
you will not get your needs met. Being appreciative and vulnerable | |
opens you up to love. | |
## #3 Never be defensive | |
Defensiveness comes in many forms: | |
* Minimizing | |
* Rationalizing | |
* Explaining | |
* Justifying | |
* "Yes-But" statements | |
* Denying | |
* Blaming | |
* Yelling | |
* Attacking | |
* Counter-attacking | |
Defensiveness often comes from a feeling of being attacked, which may | |
or may not actually be the case, and a feeling of not being good | |
enough, valued or appreciated. It is also often based on taking | |
things people say personally. It is hard, but helpful to remind | |
yourself that most everything someone else says about you is really a | |
reflection of them and their thinking. | |
Instead of Being Defensive: | |
* Stop and Listen. | |
* Seek to Understand. | |
* See things from their side. | |
* Take Responsibility. | |
Validate what they said by letting them know you heard and | |
understood, even if you do not agree. | |
Note on going from defensive to understanding and taking | |
responsibility: | |
Defensiveness is often rooted in fear. Fear of not being enough. | |
Fear of not being accepted. Fear of getting hurt. | |
It takes a lot of effort to learn to become aware of your own | |
feelings and replace reactive defensiveness with open responses and | |
owning what is yours. And for most people, it takes help from a good | |
friend, talk therapist, the right al-anon meeting for you, and other | |
resources to re-learn childhood habitual ways of reacting out of fear | |
instead of responding in love. | |
A few words about using words: | |
Most of us do not learn how to listen in ways that are loving and do | |
no harm. | |
One way to learn how to listen better is called Active Listening. | |
## Active Listening proposes steps for listening: | |
* Give the speaker your undivided attention. | |
* Show you are listening with your body language and facial | |
expression. Reflect the listeners feelings with your body and face. | |
* Defer judgment or input until you fully understand. | |
* Check that you understand by paraphrasing what you heard. | |
* When you do not understand, request clarification. | |
* Ask open ended questions, being careful that your questions are | |
intended to understand, not to judge. | |
* Respond only once the speaker agrees you fully understand. | |
A few more words about using words: | |
Like with listening, most of us do not learn how to speak in ways | |
that are loving and do no harm. This is often especially true for | |
difficult situations. | |
One way to learn to speak without doing harm is called Non-Violent | |
Communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg. It involves four | |
steps: | |
1. Observations | |
2. Feelings | |
3. Needs | |
4. Requests | |
The tricky part is taking each step simply and cleanly, and without | |
blame, criticism, judgment or other harmful intent or hard feelings. | |
Steps for NVC: | |
First, make an observation using an "I statement" that just explains | |
what you see, hear, remember, or imagine. Such as "I see your arms | |
are folded in front of you" instead of "I see you are angry" (this is | |
a judgment). | |
Second, state how you are feeling in simple terms without including | |
what you think about things. Such as "I feel afraid" instead of "I | |
feel like you are going to start a fight" (this is a judgment). | |
Third, state only one need in simple terms. Such as "I need to be | |
understood" instead of "I need you to understand me this time" (a | |
judgment based on history is hidden in this statement). | |
Fourth, make a simple request, not a demand. Such as "Would you be | |
willing to use active listening for five or ten minutes while I | |
listen to you, and then you listen to me using active listening for | |
the same amount of time?" instead of "Would you be quiet for a minute | |
and just listen to me?" | |
## #4 Never stonewall | |
Stonewalling starts with refusing to consider another person's | |
perspective. It has many forms: | |
* Stalling | |
* Ignoring | |
* Being too busy all the time. | |
* Always saying no. | |
* Failing to follow through on something you agree to do. | |
* Refusing to have dialogue and/or refusing to take action. | |
* Holding up a process without intention for resolution and | |
progress. | |
* Saying no without discussion. | |
* Saying you will come back to it later and then not doing so. | |
* Saying you are feeling overwhelmed or crying regularly to get out | |
of discussions. | |
* Agreeing without intending to act on your agreement. | |
Stonewalling can be a way of dealing with fear of conflict and/or | |
fear of being abused. It can also be a way of being aggressive | |
without appearing so. | |
Instead of Stonewalling: | |
Take some time to do things that are soothing and healthy every day. | |
When a discussion gets heated or you start to feel overwhelmed, tell | |
the other person you need to take a time out but will be back to | |
participate in the discussion. Take 30 minutes alone doing something | |
healthy that calms you down. Then fulfill your commitment to | |
continuing the discussion then or when you arrange to do so. | |
Be honest with yourself when you find yourself stonewalling as a | |
habit. | |
Invest in your own happiness with a talk therapist, talking regularly | |
with someone who loves you and will listen without judgment, or going | |
to the right al-anon meeting for you so you can: Process past | |
traumas. Learn how to have and maintain healthy boundaries. Learn | |
how to take responsibility in healthy loving ways. | |
Thoughts on Stonewalling | |
For most people, it is hard to acknowledge stonewalling because they | |
are not aware that they are doing it. Most people feel that they are | |
being victimized. This feeling is often based on past traumas. | |
Stonewalling may feel like a good way of keeping yourself from | |
getting hurt again, but it is also a way of keeping yourself from | |
being loved, and from loving. | |
It takes great courage and a lot of work to come to terms with | |
yourself when you are unaware that you have a habit of stonewalling. | |
Stonewalling and Conflict | |
Stonewalling is often used as a way to avoid conflict. Every | |
relationship has some conflict. Healthy conflict can strengthen | |
relationships which increases your happiness. | |
Steps for healthy conflict: | |
* Stay calm. Take a time out if someone gets upset. | |
* Do not engage in harmful or negative talk. | |
* Focus on what you do want, not what you don't want. | |
* Allow the other person to talk. | |
* Share concerns. | |
* Ask questions to understand the other person. | |
* Take breaks to digest and reflect. | |
* Be creative about solutions. | |
* Find something to agree upon. | |
* Continue dialogue even after you find agreement. | |
From: https://issuu.com/happycounts/docs/family_happiness_handbook | |
tags: article,health,self-help | |
# Tags | |
article | |
health | |
self-help |