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# 2019-11-19 - Turn Enemies Into Allies by Judy Ringer | |
Self-reflecting it occurred to me that i have not handled conflict | |
well throughout my career. The best i can say is that i have | |
successfully acted as a mediator or diplomat to help resolve conflict | |
between other team members. Somehow it seems easier to work with | |
conflicts that are not my own. | |
Anyhow, this self-reflection left me with new desire to improve my | |
own communication and conflict skills. Toward that purpose, i bought | |
a copy of Turn Enemies Into Allies by Judy Ringer. | |
I appreciated the clarity and organization of this book. At times i | |
felt challenged by the perspective. This book was written for | |
managers, not for employees nor the self-employed. | |
I also felt challenged by the notion of a fixed versus growth | |
mindset. As i noted in my review of The Resilience Breakthrough, the | |
term "growth mindset" seems to pander to the capitalist ideology of | |
unlimited growth. In truth we do have personal limitations, the | |
planet has resource limitations, and we are born with some of our | |
tendencies and character traits. To ignore this is a form of denial | |
and it invites internal conflict and unnecessary suffering. | |
Having known someone who has a lot of experience with professional | |
conflict resolution, i could recognize the author's expertise. I | |
really appreciate the clarity of writing, the attention to detail, | |
and the purely benevolent and positive attitude of the writing. | |
This book has given me ample food for thought and i feel certain that | |
it will benefit me in the future. My notes continue below. | |
# Intro | |
This book is a guide for managing and resolving conflict in the | |
workplace. It is also a guide for managing conflict in all areas of | |
life. | |
This book is a precise and practical guide for catching employee | |
conflict before it escalates and coaching the parties to resolution. | |
This guide offers a deliberate and methodical way of working with | |
employees in conflict... | |
Akido is first and foremost a martial art. It has roots in judo and | |
jujitsu, and yet is quite different in that the goal is not to block | |
a strike, win a contest, or otherwise prevail over an opponent. | |
The word akido is often translated as "the way of blending or | |
harmonizing with energy" or more simply "the Art of Peace." Akido | |
principles such as entering--moving off the line of attack and into a | |
partnering relationship with the attacker--create alignment with the | |
incoming energy, or ki. | |
Another principle is blending. When you enter and align with the | |
incoming energy, you can blend with it--add your energy to it. Next | |
is redirecting the energy such that both the attacker and receiver | |
remain unharmed. | |
In akido, an attack is reframed as power that can be developed and | |
guided. What would normally be understood as an act of aggression is | |
instead seen as an energy to be utilized... changing the dynamic from | |
resistance to connection. | |
# Chapter 1, Work on yourself alone | |
Working on yourself is ongoing, foundational, and critical to | |
maintaining the presence, power, and purpose required of you as you | |
help your employees regain balance and centered presence with each | |
other. | |
Especially in situations with a lot of history and high emotion, | |
before you can successfully guide others through a conflict, you must | |
first examine your own attitude, emotions, and beliefs around what is | |
possible and understand what your role is in bringing out those | |
possibilities. | |
As you work on yourself alone, there are three nonverbal qualities | |
you bring with you at every phase of the process: 1. Your centered | |
presence 2. Your personal power 3. Your clarity of purpose | |
When you feel you've lost your way, let these qualities bring you | |
back to where you need to be. | |
Call it what you will--self-control, composure, mindfulness--your | |
ability to manage *you* is where it all begins. | |
The more intentional you can be with your energy, the more influence | |
you will have in the outcome of events. | |
Your primary job is to believe with confidence that the outcome is | |
not predetermined, and that the conflict is actually potential energy | |
you and your employees can harness toward a positive result. This is | |
where your power lies. If you don't have this positive mindset, you | |
must reexamine your purpose and work on yourself to find the mindset | |
you need. Or, alternatively, you can call on another party to manage | |
the intervention. | |
As you move toward intervention, consider your purpose for doing so. | |
What do you really want for yourself, the parties involved, and the | |
organization? What is your highest and best purpose? Continually | |
clarify your purpose, and keep it at the forefront of each session | |
you conduct. | |
Bringing the three qualities of centered presence, personal power, | |
and clarify of purpose to a conflict situation is easier said than | |
done. Below are helpful practices and attitudes. | |
## 1. Reframing | |
Things change dramatically when we reframe an attack as incoming | |
energy that can be guided toward a mutually supportive outcome. | |
A conflict is an opportunity for both parties: | |
* To change their relationship for the better. | |
* To learn valuable work and life skills. | |
* To see each other's positive aspects. | |
* To step into leadership roles and model conflict competency in | |
the organization. | |
* To solve problems together using differences as assets. | |
## 2. Possibility | |
What possibilities exist for each party? How would the resolution | |
affect the larger team and organization? It's the coach's role to | |
help everyone see how a positive outcome liberates untapped | |
potential--for the parties in the conflict and for others. Whenever | |
possible, document hidden or indirect costs that are likely to | |
improve when the conflict is resolved. | |
## 3. Non-Judgment | |
As human beings, we are practiced at forming judgments about | |
everything, and we're usually unaware we're doing it. | |
When you coach, if at any point you start to draw conclusions about | |
which party is right and which is wrong, it becomes difficult to do | |
your job effectively. If you judge one of the parties as the | |
problem, it will be hard for you to see their positive intent. And | |
you may miss constructive actions or recast neutral behaviors in | |
unhelpful ways. | |
## 4. Curiosity and Inquiry | |
More than anything else, a mindset of curiosity and inquiry empowers | |
you and keeps your conversations safe and on track. I ask open-ended | |
questions, such as: | |
* How did you feel when that happened? | |
* What were you hoping for? | |
* What do you think your coworker's intention was? | |
* What was your intention? | |
## 5. Appreciation | |
Appreciative Inquiry maximizes the power of noticing what is already | |
working rather than focusing on what is broken. Practitioners have | |
learned that as soon as you align with the positive, you gain energy | |
and move toward a compelling future. | |
Below are detrimental practices and attitudes: | |
1. This is not my job. | |
If you don't feel ready to lead in this way, consider calling in | |
someone else you believe is right for the job. | |
2. I don't have the skills to do this. | |
If so, this is a great opportunity for you to learn. | |
3. This will take too much time. | |
Not as much as you will lose in productivity and goodwill. | |
4. They should just rise above it. | |
If they could, they would. | |
5. What's wrong with these people? | |
Ask instead: | |
* What do they need to help them through this? | |
* What are they blind to? | |
* How can i help them see what they're missing? | |
6. They're mean, disrespectful, and hurtful. | |
They're unskilled. When you reframe negative intent as a need for | |
skill-building, you shift from judge to coach. | |
# Chapter 2, Align and engage | |
As a coach, it's important to curb your well-intentioned impulse to | |
solve the problem. | |
One of the simplest ways to practice alignment is to listen with | |
interest to people's stories. | |
Chapter 2 is an overview of how to approach all the individual | |
sessions, regardless of how many sessions are required. The primary | |
purpose of chapter 2 is to equip you with tools to hear and validate | |
each party's distinct narrative of the conflict. | |
Prep: | |
* Know the purpose and desired outcome for each session. | |
* Review your notes. | |
* Enter with optimism for a positive outcome. | |
Agenda: | |
* Ask for any new developments since the last session. | |
* Discuss ways to prepare for the next session and set a date. | |
* Take notes; send them in a follow-up email after each session. | |
* Assign homework. | |
Homework: | |
To fully engage the parties in the process, i've found it helpful to | |
give homework assignments that reinforce the focus of each session | |
and prepare them for the next. The point is to support the parties | |
and their process in as many ways as possible, and to maintain | |
momentum between sessions. | |
This is one of the most difficult things to do in conflict--to hear | |
and acknowledge your conflict partner's story. I do this for the | |
parties until they can do it for each other. | |
Meeting with each person individually for one or more sessions | |
reduces defensiveness and increases the possibilities for | |
resolution... | |
Your primary task throughout the individual session is to ask | |
questions, acknowledge each person's positive intent, and redirect | |
what you hear toward sustainable resolution. | |
I also practice being comfortable with silence and try to stop myself | |
from jumping in too quickly. I wait for a few beats even after i | |
hear an answer in case the person has more to say. | |
It's also important to notice and challenge your assumptions. It's | |
important to be truly and genuinely interested in everything about | |
the person and their story, which creates feelings of safety, | |
openness, and calm. | |
A key insight for me was realizing i could be transparent with the | |
process, and let participants know that my job in these individual | |
sessions is to be on their side and on their partner's side. | |
Introducing this idea helps each party see that the situation has | |
more than one facet. | |
Listen and acknowledge, simple but not easy | |
Don't: | |
* Debate | |
* Try to solve the problem | |
Do: | |
* Stay curious | |
* Ask open, honest questions | |
* Validate | |
* Look for what they're not saying | |
The overarching purpose for the individual sessions is to build the | |
parties' skills, confidence, and openness to ultimately resolve the | |
conflict in join sessions. You want to create openings for the | |
parties to see the conflict from a wider perspective and reposition | |
themselves as partners in creating the solution. | |
# Chapter 3, Measure willingness and ability | |
In the first individual session, in which you meet with each person | |
for the first time, your purpose is to discuss whether the parties | |
have the ability to change and are willing to commit to the process | |
you will describe to them. Specifically, you are seeking to | |
determine if they will try to understand the other's point of view, | |
have an intention to resolve their differences, and commit to | |
building a more harmonious working relationship. | |
Preparation: | |
* Know the purpose of the intervention. | |
* Be clear about what you want for each individual, for the | |
relationship, and for the organization. | |
* Determine how you will measure each individual's commitment. | |
* Determine how you will measure each individual's ability to learn | |
and change. | |
* Document what you already know about the parties' ability to | |
change. | |
* Enter with optimism for a positive outcome. | |
Agenda: | |
* Come prepared with a focus for the session. | |
* Express gratitude that this person agreed to meet with you to | |
discuss the current situation. | |
* Build rapport. | |
* Explain the process you're asking them to engage in to resolve | |
the conflict with a coworker and your role in helping them. | |
* Listen to their story. | |
* Measure their willingness. | |
* Measure their ability. | |
* Discuss ways to prepare for the next session and set a date. | |
* Take notes and send them in a follow-up email after the session. | |
* Assign homework. | |
Everything i do serves the goal of partnering and aligning with the | |
people i work with. ... In each case, i arrived first and arranged | |
the room so we were seated either side-by-side or at the corner of a | |
table and not across from each other. ... I wanted each to feel i was | |
at their disposal and all would be well. | |
If the parties are not motivated to change, they won't. A willing | |
attitude determines 90% of the outcome. | |
What's in it for me? When you can help your [possessive language] | |
people address [this question], the conflict is heading toward | |
resolution. | |
## Pushback/Resistance | |
* Yeah, but... | |
* No, you don't understand! | |
* That won't work. | |
* That's ridiculous! | |
## Entering/Blending/Connection | |
* Can you say more? | |
* Please help me understand | |
* I'm not sure i agree. I'd like to hear your reasons. | |
* I'm curious; why do you think so? | |
What to watch for: | |
* Non-verbal communication (body language). | |
* Whether they ask questions that show interest and understanding. | |
* Whether they show any emotions or reaction as i talk about what | |
they can look forward to in the process. | |
Ask specific questions to get a sense of the parties' optimism and | |
willingness, and to generate conversation: | |
* On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is it to your | |
work/team/organization that you and your coworker resolve this | |
conflict? | |
* On a scale of 1 to 10, how optimistic are you about resolving the | |
conflict? What is the reason behind that number? | |
* On a scale of 1 to 10, what is your willingness to resolve these | |
issues? What is your commitment to this process? | |
* What are you most eager to learn as we go forward? | |
* What are you most concerned/anxious/hopeful about? | |
* What would help you personally? | |
As one of the last steps in the individual sessions, I foster | |
commitment to the process by looking for ways in which the ongoing | |
conflict gets in people's way. ... And i invite each party to ask, | |
"What's in it for me?" as a way to move from the current path to a | |
new one. | |
## The Five P's: | |
1. Pain | |
* Help each party see the consequences of continuing the status | |
quo. Help them see the natural result of continuing the conflict. | |
* Be clear and consistent about the choices each party has | |
available to them. | |
2. Pleasure | |
* Encourage everyone to imagine what it would be like to come to | |
work each day with the problem solved. | |
3. Purpose | |
* Paint a picture of where the organization is going. How do these | |
individuals complete this picture? | |
* Connect with their purpose for joining the company. | |
* Connect with their life purpose. What matters to them? | |
4. Performance and Productivity | |
* Help all parties see the coaching process as an investment in | |
their futures with the organization. Being asked to undergo this | |
process is a vote of confidence in an individual's future | |
contribution, not a punishment. | |
5. Personal Power | |
* Explain how the process can improve each parties' ability to | |
manage conflict in all areas of life by acquiring the skills to | |
make work more enjoyable as well as to see conflict as a gift and a | |
teacher. | |
Willingness and ability are different, and it's possible to have one | |
without the other. [Willingness] is an inside job. Ability, | |
however, can be developed in others [if they are willing]. Ability | |
to address conflict manifests as competence and skillfulness in | |
self-reflection, interpersonal communication, and empathy, as well as | |
other similar learned habits of mind, body, and spirit. | |
We don't always see conflict habits in the same way [as other vices]. | |
Nor do we often see the choices available in conflict. These | |
choices are not as obvious as reaching for a cigarette or eating an | |
extra icecream bar. But the way the patterns grow and affect us are | |
the same. | |
Because we've habituated to certain ways of behaving, when triggered | |
by the conflict cue, we react as we've been patterned to. If i want | |
to engage differently in conflict, i begin by noticing the pattern | |
that leads to the actions i want to change. [By unraveling this | |
process and seeing the cues, we can pause and consider new actions to | |
move in a more purposeful direction.] | |
## Old Habit | |
* In conflict, i accommodate until my back is against the wall, and | |
then i explode. | |
* When i'm irritated, i shut down. | |
* I avoid conflict at all costs. | |
* I try to make sure no one is hurt by conflict. I like everyone | |
to be happy. | |
## New Pattern | |
* I know i'm a people pleaser and often over accommodate. I have | |
learned to watch for this pattern and ask myself if what i'm | |
agreeing to is actually okay with me. | |
* When i become irritated, i notice physical tension, which is a | |
signal that i'm about to shut down. I break the pattern with a | |
conscious breath. This helps me stay open and talk things out. | |
* When i start taking things too personally, i remember to get | |
curious, ask a question, and try to see the other person's view. | |
* When others become emotional, i center myself and listen. | |
If one or both parties refuse to see their contribution, or are | |
affecting the organization or team in ways that limit cohesiveness | |
and productivity, keeping these individuals on staff may do more harm | |
than good. Not everyone can work together harmoniously. | |
Of all the intervention techniques i use, asking open, honest | |
questions from a place of curiosity is the most useful. By "honest," | |
i mean questions i don't know the answer to. | |
Questions that broaden the topic or learning: | |
* Can you tell me what's going on? | |
* What is your perspective on how this got started? | |
* What do you need from (the other party)? | |
* How do you feel about doing this work? | |
* What concerns do you have about the process? | |
* What questions do you have for me? | |
* Any other reactions or thoughts? | |
Questions that deepen the topic or learning: | |
* Can you name some reasons you think the problem is | |
resolvable/unresolvable? | |
* What is the concern behind your view? | |
* Can you explain that further? | |
* What happens when you get irritated? | |
* Can you give examples of that? | |
* Have you ever had coaching or training like this before? | |
* What would be helpful for you personally? | |
* What would help you be your best self when conflict arises? | |
# Chapter 4, Develop power and presence | |
Chapter 4's purpose is to give the parties ways to effectively change | |
their mind-body state to one of optimal performance and emotional | |
awareness. You help both parties experience the difference between a | |
centered and an uncentered state as well as how to choose the | |
centered state anytime, anywhere. | |
Preparation: | |
* Know the purpose and desired outcome for the session. | |
* Know which skills you will focus on and why. | |
* Have scenarios in mind for role-playing and practicing the skills. | |
* Read your notes from the previous session. | |
* Enter with optimism for a positive outcome. | |
Agenda: | |
* Express gratitude for the person's presence. | |
* Explain your hopes for the session and ask them about theirs. | |
* Ask for any developments since the last session. | |
* Teach centered presence and purposeful power. | |
* Use examples from their conflict to practice the skills. | |
* Discuss ways to prepare for the next session and set a date. | |
* Take notes and send them in a follow-up email after the session. | |
* Assign homework. | |
When teaching conflict and communication skills, i envision two | |
concentric circles. The outside circle is the container for our | |
"quality of being" skills: centered presence, personal power, and | |
clarity of purpose. The inner circle--surrounded and supported by | |
our quality of being--holds our communication skills: inquiry, active | |
listening, acknowledgment, advocacy, and problem solving. | |
Quality of being: the underlying tone of my actions--including the | |
way i carry myself physically, mentally, and emotionally--as well as | |
the awareness with which i approach a conflict. Am i centered and | |
breathing? Do i understand my part in influencing the conversation? | |
How do i manage my emotional energy? Can i step back, witness myself | |
in action, and make conscious choices? Our physical posture, breath, | |
and composure influence our thinking and the environment around us. | |
A skilled communicator knows how to keep the dialogue psychologically | |
safe, focused on the task at hand, and moving in a positive | |
direction. We begin with quality of being because being "speaks" | |
louder than doing. The underlying principles of presence, power, and | |
purpose are most evident here and are necessary for the communication | |
strategy to be effective. | |
As a general practice, i want the parties to re-center periodically | |
in order to stay in a learning frame of mind. | |
... mindset trumps ability, talent, and skill in influencing our | |
willingness and ability to change. | |
Characteristics of the fixed and growth mindsets: | |
## Fixed Mindset | |
* Emotionally reactive. | |
* More interested in winning an argument than learning from it. | |
* Seeking constant approval. | |
* Judgmental of self and others. | |
* Usually pessimistic about the outcome. | |
* Blame oriented, unable to see their contribution to the conflict. | |
* Insistent on getting their way. | |
## Growth Mindset | |
* Emotionally responsive and open. | |
* More interested in learning than in being right. | |
* Open to feedback. | |
* Appreciative of self and others. | |
* Optimistic about the outcome. | |
* Curious and open to seeing their contribution. | |
* Looking to achieve a balanced solution. | |
Centering is more than an intellectual awareness. When we're | |
centered, mind, body and spirit are aligned. We feel balanced, | |
stable, and in control. | |
When i teach centering, i want to help the individual understand: | |
* The difference between being centered and uncentered. | |
* That centering requires only an intention. | |
* That centering is a choice we can make at any time. | |
"Choice of attention--to pay attention to this and ignore that--is to | |
the inner life what choice of action is to the outer. In both cases, | |
one is responsible for one's choice and must accept the | |
consequences." --W.H. Auden | |
# Chapter 5, Demonstrate communication strategies | |
Your purpose in chapter 5 is to combine centered presence with key | |
communication strategies in order to change the parties' adversarial | |
dynamic and help them communicate more effectively. | |
Preparation: | |
* Know the purpose and desired outcome for the sessions. | |
* Know which skills you will focus on and why. | |
* Have scenarios in mind for roleplaying and practicing the skills. | |
* Read your notes from the previous session. | |
* Enter with optimism for a positive outcome. | |
Agenda: | |
* Express appreciation for the individual's presence. | |
* Explain your hopes for the session and ask what the individual | |
hopes to gain. | |
* Ask for any new developments since the last session. | |
* Teach communication strategies and skills, employing examples | |
from the conflict at hand. | |
* Discuss ways to prepare for the next session and set a date. | |
* Take notes and send them in a follow-up email after the session. | |
* Assign homework. | |
Most of the time, conflict is set in motion by differing needs, | |
views, values, and/or thinking or behavioral styles. Without | |
experience or training in conflict skills, we often don't know how to | |
ask for what we want, communicate a contrary viewpoint, say no, or | |
express the impact of a coworker's action. When we're unskilled in | |
conflict, we either avoid it or become overly direct and | |
confrontational. | |
In the case of workplace conflict, what the parties need are skills | |
to help them talk to each other and role models who demonstrate | |
learning conversations instead of message-delivery monologues. | |
A learning conversation is exactly that--a conversation in which the | |
primary purpose is to learn: | |
* How does my partner in this conflict view this situation? | |
* What am i missing? | |
* How am i contributing to the conflict? | |
* What are the possible solutions? | |
Real, transformative change of the kind we're talking about happens | |
through experimentation, exploration, and experiencing the | |
benefits--exactly what these individual sessions offer. | |
It helps to have a checklist of strategies and practices to refer to: | |
* Knowing your purpose for the conversation. | |
* Inquiring, listening, and learning. | |
* Acknowledge what you're hearing. | |
* Building mutually agreeable solutions. | |
## The 6-Step Checklist | |
* Center. Prepare for the conversation with centered reflection. | |
Re-center periodically during the conversation. | |
* Purpose. Clarify your purpose for the conversation. | |
* Inquiry. Enter with an open and curious mindset. Ask questions | |
to uncover your partner's point of view. | |
* Acknowledgment. Let your partner know you've heard them. | |
* Advocacy. Be clear, direct, and respectful in stating your point | |
of view. | |
* Solutions. Listen for and encourage possible solutions that | |
emerge from the conversation. Follow-up. | |
Asking questions is blending, or adding my energy to theirs. It puts | |
me in the powerful position of learning where my partner is coming | |
from. I hear their intentions, hopes, and values. Inquiry also | |
defuses any conflict energy my partner is holding, such as anger and | |
fear, allowing this emotional intensity to find a release valve. | |
Secrets to being in inquiry include: | |
* Clearing your mind. | |
* Listening with full attention. | |
* Making eye contact. | |
* When thoughts stray, bringing them back to the speaker. | |
* Asking questions you don't know the answer to. | |
* Helping the speaker reflect on their thinking. | |
* Proceeding as if you're attempting to solve a puzzle. | |
* Pretending you don't know anything about how they see things (you | |
really don't.) | |
* Trying to understand as much as possible about your partner and | |
their point of view. How do they see the situation? What's the | |
impact of your actions on them? What do they really want for | |
themselves? For this process For their work? | |
* Watching their body language and listening for the unspoken. | |
Acknowledgment is possibly the most underutilized communication skill | |
and [it is] the secret sauce that turns difficult conversations into | |
learning conversations. You will forget this. [Assertion, not | |
inquiry.] Your employees will forget this. I forget it all the | |
time. But acknowledgment changes the conversation--and the people in | |
it. | |
Acknowledgment answers three important questions your partner has: | |
* Do you hear me? | |
* Do you care? | |
* Are you trying to understand? | |
Examples of acknowledging and clarifying statements include: | |
* What i hear you saying is... | |
* It sounds like... | |
* That sounds important. Can you say more? | |
* I'm sorry my action had that impact on you. What specifically | |
would you like me to do differently? | |
* Can you describe what i do or say that makes me appear aggressive | |
(passive, not interested, angry, and so on)? | |
* I'm hearing concern for the project. What areas are you most | |
concerned about? | |
* From what i gather, you're hoping... | |
* Thank you for this information. | |
* I appreciate your thinking on this. | |
* Is there anything else? | |
In conflict, we're predisposed to blame (making someone else | |
responsible for the problem) and justification (not seeing our own | |
contribution). Falling into this mindset is easy to do and feels | |
good, because i can pretend i'm in the right. The problem, however, | |
is: | |
* Blaming doesn't solve the problem and discounts my contribution | |
to the problem. | |
* When i blame or justify, i give up my ability to influence the | |
other person. | |
* When i give up my ability to influence the other person, i lose | |
power over the outcome. | |
We can use blame and justification as red flags--indicating that | |
we've abdicated the only power we really have in conflict. Instead, | |
by choosing to take responsibility for our words and actions, we can | |
change what's not working in the situation and intentionally | |
influence it for the better. In other words, we can notice and | |
change our contribution to the problem. | |
## Acknowledgment ≠Agreement | |
You can acknowledge but not agree by following up with language such | |
as: | |
* I'm not sure i agree, but id like to hear more about your point | |
of view. | |
* I have a different take on this but would really like to hear why | |
you feel so strongly about it. | |
## Inner Acknowledgment | |
The parties can also acknowledge their own feelings of anger, | |
annoyance, confusion, and personal defensiveness when they arise. | |
For me, the process usually starts with an awareness of physical | |
tension--my jaw tightens or i notice i've stopped breathing. In an | |
argument with a coworker over who should take the lead in a training | |
initiative, i said, "Now, i just got really irritated by that | |
comment, and i think i'm becoming defensive. Can we stop for a | |
moment? I just want to talk about this topic. I'm not trying to | |
persuade you in either direction." The acknowledgment helped both of | |
us to re-center. | |
The parties in this conflict will need skills to help them say what's | |
on their mind. This is advocacy. When we advocate, we're assertive. | |
We're saying, "Here's what i see. It may not be how you see it, so | |
i'm going to put the view out there in such a way that you can see it | |
through my eyes." | |
Advocacy is also standing up for something--a point of view, value, | |
or belief. | |
There are ways to advocate for a position without offending or | |
causing defensiveness. | |
* Wait - I sometimes play a game with myself to see how long i can | |
wait and how much i can discuss about the other person before i | |
begin advocating for my message. It's great practice and often | |
brings to the surface interesting information and useful insights. | |
* Continue to clarify purpose - Focusing on purpose takes | |
participants back to a centered and positive intent. | |
* Don't assume - Remind your [possessive] employees to tell their | |
side of the story in a way that doesn't make assumptions about what | |
the other person knows or agrees with. | |
* Educate - Because each person's view is unique, your [possessive] | |
employees need to educate each other on what the world looks like | |
from their window. | |
* Share facts - Sharing facts is often referred to as the | |
"I-Message" or "I-Statement": | |
- The Fact (When you didn't arrive at the agreed-upon time...) | |
- The Feeling (I was concerned.) | |
- The Hope (My hope was for your safety and well-being.) | |
- The Request (Next time you're going to be late, can you let me | |
know?) | |
## Ladder of Inference | |
The ladder of inference is a visual demonstration of how we form | |
interpretations and draw conclusions from available data. At the | |
foot of the ladder lies the available data. As we move up the | |
ladder, we get further from what actually happened and more deeply | |
into our story of what happened. | |
* Explore your view | |
* Draw conclusions | |
* Interpret data | |
* Select data | |
* Available data | |
On the other side, climb down the ladder to explore THEIR view. | |
The ability to distinguish between the intention of an action and its | |
impact is useful in learning conversations, and has been helpful in | |
my own practice. | |
"As people perceive that other's don't respect them, the conversation | |
immediately becomes unsafe and dialogue comes to a screeching halt. | |
Why? Because respect is like air. If you take it away, it's all | |
people can think about. The instant people perceive disrespect in | |
the conversation, the interaction is no longer about the original | |
purpose--it is now about defending dignity." -- Kerry Patterson, | |
Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler | |
We model respect when we listen for understanding, refrain from | |
making assumptions about others, speak without blame or | |
justification, and recognize that the listener can't know what we're | |
thinking, feeling, or telling ourselves about the world around us. | |
Respect looks like inquiry, acknowledgment, and advocacy in a way | |
that doesn't trample on the right of others to have their own views. | |
Naive realism: The human tendency to believe "I alone am privy to the | |
true reality." In other words, this [supposedly] invariant, | |
knowable, objective reality is so obviously true that anyone who | |
doesn't see reality as i do is clearly unreasonable and/or irrational. | |
False consensus effect: Tendency to think everyone believes the way | |
we do, and has similar beliefs and values. | |
Naive realism and the false consensus effect are about disrespect. | |
The following practices are foundational for a learning conversation: | |
* Curiosity | |
* Purpose | |
* Centeredness | |
* Respect | |
* Apology | |
* Acknowledgment | |
You can help the parties know when a conversation is becoming | |
psychologically unsafe by increasing their ability to notice when one | |
of them shuts down (silence), or becomes sarcastic or demeaning | |
(violence). In my experience, it usually takes between two to four | |
individual sessions of about an hour each to complete the teaching, | |
application, and transfer of the skills necessary to prepare the | |
parties to meet jointly. The number of sessions depends on how many | |
of the concepts you teach, how well the parties integrate the | |
concepts in their workplace interactions, and how you perceive the | |
parties' readiness and ability to move forward into the joint | |
sessions. | |
Practice: | |
* Roleplaying | |
* Ask your [possessive] employees what they think the other | |
person's feelings and needs are around this conflict. | |
* Ask your [possessive] employees to become aware of when their | |
attitude or behavior toward the other party begins to shift. | |
* Ask what assumptions they might be making about their partner and | |
invite them to challenge those assumptions. | |
# Chapter 6, Look forward | |
Your purpose in the joint sessions is to build rapport, reinforce | |
relationships, and redirect any remaining challenges toward | |
resolution and problem-solving. At this point, we're looking forward | |
to what the rebuilt relationship will look like and how it will be | |
sustained. | |
Preparation: | |
* Know the purpose and desired outcome for each joint session. | |
* Consider possible topics for each joint session. | |
* Read your notes from the previous session. | |
* Enter with optimism for a positive outcome. | |
Agenda: | |
* Explain the purpose of the first joint session: to enjoy each | |
other's company and get to know each other apart from the conflict. | |
* Explain the purpose and goals for subsequent joint sessions. | |
* Ask for any new developments since the last session. | |
* Discuss ways to prepare for the next joint session and set a date. | |
* Take notes and send them in a follow-up email after the session. | |
* Assign homework. | |
How do you know when to move from individual to joint sessions? | |
You'll know it's time when the parties seem eager to get on with it, | |
they no longer appear fearful or anxious, and you see them practicing | |
their new centering and communication skills in the workplace. One | |
or two individual sessions may be enough depending on the severity of | |
the conflict and the parties' motivation to alter the dynamic. | |
Another gauge is your own sense of optimism. On a scale of 1 to 10, | |
how optimistic are you that the joint meetings will yield a positive | |
outcome; that the parties are ready to resolve their differences and | |
look forward? If you're scoring 7 or higher, i'd say they are ready. | |
And you can always go back to meeting individually. | |
The first joint session's [sic] sets the tone for those to come. For | |
that reason, this session deserves special thought and preparation. | |
For example, i suggest you don't move into problem-solving in the | |
first joint session, but rather use the time to build rapport and | |
reinforce relationship. My experience supports holding this session | |
in a neutral location away from the office. I like to take the | |
parties to lunch at a nice restaurant that they'll both enjoy and | |
that offers some privacy. We choose a date, and i ask them to select | |
the restaurant and make a reservation. | |
When people talk about what they love, they lighten up. They begin | |
to see each other differently: as human beings with many sides and, | |
oftentimes, common interests. This first meeting is an opportunity | |
to encourage these common interests to surface as well as build | |
trust, respect, and safety. As the coach, you want the conversation | |
to flow and are looking for easy subjects, such as: | |
* Family | |
* Movies | |
* Books | |
* Sports | |
* Holidays | |
* High points and special moments | |
* Passions and hobbies | |
* Favorite foods and restaurants | |
* How both parties came to do this work | |
* What they like about where they live | |
* Little known facts they feel like sharing | |
* A story that best exemplifies what they love about their work | |
I'm always amazed how well these first meetings go. There's | |
something about breaking bread together that brings out the best in | |
people. Sometimes we make small talk the entire time, and that's | |
fine. And sometimes an affinity develops and the conversation | |
becomes more informal and personal, as the parties see they have more | |
in common than they thought. This relational ease builds a | |
foundation for future joint sessions and conversations back in the | |
workplace. | |
Lastly, ask "What did you appreciate about the luncheon meeting, and | |
how will you bring these qualities into your new workplace | |
relationship?" | |
# Chapter 7, Resolve, reflect, reinforce | |
The purpose of continuing joint sessions is to provide openings for | |
the parties to talk about their learning from the individual | |
sessions, comparing experiences, and plan for the future. Both | |
parties will explore topics including: | |
* What needs to happen for them both to have continuing positive | |
engagement? | |
* What roadblocks may come up? | |
* How will they resolve future conflict? | |
Preparation: | |
* Keep the purpose and objectives for the joint sessions in mind. | |
* Consider your specific goals for this session. | |
* Read your notes from the previous session. | |
* Enter with optimism for a positive outcome. | |
Agenda: | |
* Ask how things have gone since the last session, and point out | |
positive interactions. | |
* Review purpose and goals, and ask the parties for their thoughts. | |
* Review the 6-Step Checklist. | |
* Use specific questions to determine what is working and what | |
still needs attention. | |
* Discuss behavioral or style inventories (if included in the | |
process.) | |
* Offer the parties an opportunity to express appreciation to each | |
other and for the process. | |
* Discuss ways to prepare for the next session and set a date. | |
* Take notes and send them in a follow-up email after the session. | |
* Assign homework. | |
I'm here to help the parties: | |
* RESOLVE existing challenges by forging solutions that will stand | |
the test of time. | |
* REFLECT on potential challenges and plan ways to deal with them. | |
* REINFORCE their confidence and capacity to handle difficulty in | |
the future. | |
The 6-Step Checklist | |
... | |
Step 6: Solutions | |
If one person makes a suggestion, the other has three ways in which | |
to respond: | |
* I agree. | |
* I agree with what you said with regard to ..., and i'd like to | |
add ... | |
* It seems we have different ideas about how to ... Can you say | |
more about why you like that approach and how you think it will | |
help us solve the problem in this case? | |
Make sure that plans are made to implement the solutions and ways to | |
follow up are defined. As you look for future scenarios together, | |
encourage the parties to ask and answer questions such as: | |
* Where do we go from here? | |
* How will we move ahead together? | |
* What will our working relationship look like after these changes? | |
* How will we hold each other and ourselves accountable? | |
Powerful conversation openings: | |
* I have something i'd like to discuss that i think will help us | |
work together more effectively. | |
* I'd like to talk about ... with you, but first i'd like to get | |
your point of view. | |
* I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few | |
minutes to talk? | |
* "I need your help with something. Can we talk about it (soon)?" | |
If the person says, "Sure, let me get back to you," [then] follow | |
up. | |
* I think we have different perceptions about ... I'd like to hear | |
your thinking on this. | |
* I'd like to talk about ... I think we may have different ideas | |
about how to ... | |
* I'd like to see if we might reach a better understanding about | |
... I really want to hear your feelings about this and share my | |
perspective as well. | |
Common features in these openers are: | |
* Letting the other person know up-front there will be time for | |
both parties to offer input. | |
* Being clear this will be a two-way conversation. | |
* The purpose is a noble one. | |
Logistics | |
To further support resolution, i think about ways to make the | |
sessions and the room comfortable and conducive to partnering. For | |
example: | |
* I arrange our seating so the parties are physically aligned and | |
not sitting across from each other. | |
* As we discuss areas of conflict, i ask the parties to guess and | |
acknowledge what they imagine is the other's point of view. | |
* Sometimes we set guidelines or ground rules, but not always. It | |
depends on the situation. When i use ground rules, i ask the | |
parties to talk about what would help them feel comfortable holding | |
a problem-solving dialogue, employ the akido skills we've been | |
practicing, to make the joint sessions a success. The following | |
are the most common requests: | |
- listen and stay curious | |
- seek to understand | |
- know when to take a time-out | |
- keep a problem-solving stance | |
- maintain a partnering perspective | |
- be respectful and kind | |
- summarize from time to time | |
- pay attention to time | |
* Review at the end of the session what went well and what to do | |
differently next time. | |
In their first working session together, i like to seed conversation | |
with questions that invite reflection and dialogue. The questions | |
promote awareness of what's working and where support is still | |
needed. To do this, i usually hand each a sheet of questions and | |
give them time to write their answers and compare notes. Some | |
example questions include: | |
* What is your greatest insight? | |
* What is needed to resolve this process so the solution is | |
sustainable? | |
* What are problem areas that could get in the way down the line? | |
* How will you keep the future conflicts from escalating? | |
* How do you like to receive feedback? | |
* What are possible different situations that may come up, and how | |
will you handle them? | |
* What's working? Be as specific as you can. | |
* What do you want to keep doing that's working now? | |
* What's not working? | |
* What are you concerned about that might cause future conflict? | |
* What support do you need from others or someone else? | |
* What agreements have you made in these meetings about how you're | |
going to handle things differently in the future? | |
In addition, i invite the parties to share their experiences about | |
the coaching process and what they've come to appreciate about each | |
other through the individual sessions. For example: | |
* What were the turning points in the coaching process for you? | |
* What questions about the process do you have for me or for each | |
other? | |
* What have you come to appreciate about each other? | |
* What commonalities have you discovered? | |
* What differences have you found in your styles that could | |
complement each other? | |
* What skills or concepts do you want to reinforce? | |
* How do you want to tell the story of this process five years from | |
now? | |
It's also useful to return to the "scale of 1 to 10" questions asked | |
in chapter 3 amended slightly to fit the current conditions. For | |
example: On a scale of 1 to 10: | |
* How optimistic are you about the conflict staying resolved? | |
* How would you assess your willingness to resolve future issues | |
together? | |
* How committed are you to apply the new skills and mindset? | |
To reinforce ability and commitment, you want to take every | |
opportunity during the joint sessions to notice the positive choices | |
they're making and point them out. For example: | |
* Wow, nice job paraphrasing that comment! | |
* I appreciate how you took a moment before you answered. You | |
appeared to be reflecting on what you heard and deciding how to | |
respond. | |
* That was a well-phrased question. You're really understanding | |
the power of inquiry, aren't you? | |
# Chapter 8, Review and follow-up | |
The primary purpose is to establish a review process to make sure the | |
new habits and relationship are holding, as well as to design a | |
support system for the future. | |
Preparation: | |
* Know your purpose. | |
* Read your notes from the previous session. | |
* Enter with optimism for a positive outcome. | |
Agenda: | |
* Ask for any new developments since the last session. | |
* Decide whether the parties will write an agreement and what | |
system of follow-up you'll use. | |
* Talk with the parties' managers (if this isn't you) to help | |
decide how much and what kind of follow-up is necessary. | |
* Agree on how much transparency you will employ with other members | |
of the team. | |
* Take notes and send them in a follow-up email after the session. | |
If a letter of agreement is part of the process, it shouldn't be a | |
surprise or left to the final session. When i'm asked to include | |
this agreement, i let the parties know at the outset and ask them to | |
take notes along the way about what goes into that agreement. | |
Generally, assuming the parties continue in their current position, | |
there are three possible outcomes to the intervention: | |
* The conflict is resolved. | |
* The conflict is not resolved. Plan B: performance review, | |
transfer to another position, or termination. | |
* The conflict seems resolved. If the parties didn't create a | |
written agreement and consequences have not been otherwise defined, | |
i suggest meeting individually again to see what was missed, how | |
things got off track, and whether the parties are willing to try | |
again. | |
My purpose in writing this book has been to help you be successful in | |
supporting your [possessive] people to communicate, resolve their | |
differences, and work together amicably and productively. Conflict | |
is a restriction of energy. Your task is to free up that energy for | |
more productive and purposeful use--for your [possessive] people, | |
your team, and your organization or company. Imagine untangling a | |
knot. You go at it slowly and methodically. You stay focused and | |
present, seeing how each strand plays a part in the restriction and | |
where the knot is most unyielding. You work gently to find where the | |
strands want to move. You don't push or pull; you work with them, | |
guiding them until the strands are free to move independently to | |
accomplish their purpose. | |
author: Ringer, Judy, 1949- | |
detail: https://www.judyringer.com/blog/turn-enemies-into-allies-the-art-of-pea… | |
LOC: HD42 .R56 2019 | |
tags: book,conflict resolution,non-fiction,self-help | |
title: Turn Enemies Into Allies | |
# Tags | |
book | |
conflict resolution | |
non-fiction | |
self-help |