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# 2019-10-18 - The Resilience Breakthrough by Christian Moore | |
# The Resilience Breakthrough by Christian Moore | |
I felt pretty reactive while i read this book. I know that it is | |
polite to hear someone out before responding, and to respect the | |
effort put into creating a work such as this book. However, i will | |
include some of my reactions here to keep it real. My own words i | |
will enclose in [square brackets]. | |
# Introduction | |
[When i listen to or read typical narratives about resilience, i hear | |
the same kind of self-congratulatory pap that is popular in TED | |
talks. I hear people talk about how hard they had to work to | |
overcome their difficulties or disabilities. They almost seem to be | |
addicted to intensity. They sound smarmy as though they know better | |
than others how to live life. I don't want to work that hard, and i | |
don't want to adopt an attitude of superiority.] | |
She makes the distinction between a *fixed mindset*--which is when | |
you believe you're stuck with what you're born with; that you only | |
have a certain amount of intelligence and character--and the *growth | |
mindset*, the belief that your basic qualities are things you can | |
cultivate through your efforts. ... you have a growth mindset when | |
you have a "passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even | |
(or especially) when it's not going well. | |
[This sounds akin to the capitalist myth of limitless growth.] | |
The ability to show up, to keep going, or even to just continue to go | |
through the motions while you're dealing with failure, depression, | |
anxiety, hopelessness, addiction, legal problems, an abusive spouse, | |
unemployment, a terminal illness--the list of struggles that are part | |
of the human condition is endless--creates dignity. It creates | |
self-respect. There is an honor in pressing through even the worst | |
of circumstances. | |
[And sometimes it just makes you feel like a sucker!] | |
# Chapter 1, Flipping the switch | |
Method: | |
* Combat denial and acknowledge that there is a problem. Realize | |
the reality of your pain from where you're standing. | |
* Ask yourself: How can i use this emotional pain, challenge, or | |
situation to better my circumstances and make me more | |
resilient--today, this hour, this minute, this second? | |
* Do the opposite of what people would normally do in a similar | |
situation. | |
* Pay attention to how you feel inside when you decide to do this. | |
You're likely to feel more energized, hopeful, and motivated. | |
This isn't a one-time event. You have to constantly do it. | |
# Chapter 2, Finally! Where resilience comes from! | |
* Street resilience. Fighting spirit. Will to survive. | |
* Resource resilience. Gathering resources and being resourceful. | |
* Relationship resilience. Being in it together in a supportive | |
way. | |
* Rock bottom resilience. | |
# Chapter 3, What is relational resilience? | |
When others are depending on you, you do what it takes to find | |
strength you didn't even know you had. Even when you really, really | |
want to, you simply don't give in, or give up. This is one important | |
aspect of relational resilience. | |
Relationships have been the source of my greatest pain and greatest | |
joy. Relationships amplify life's experiences. Nothing compares to | |
meeting others' emotional needs and having your own emotional needs | |
met. It's the greatest rush you'll have in life. | |
When someone needs me and i need them, this is real wealth. This is | |
the highest level of fulfillment--and the only way to long-lasting | |
resilience. | |
# Chapter 4, Surrender the one-up | |
Many relationships have a natural hierarchy--boss and employee, | |
parent and child, teacher and student. But even when the ranking | |
isn't so obvious, we tend to rank ourselves in relationship to the | |
other person. The most powerful interpersonal tool i know is | |
something i term "surrendering the one-up relationship." This means | |
that when i have power or influence over another person, i use that | |
advantage to their best interest. That person goes from feeling | |
inferior to feeling equal. This is the opposite of what we are | |
socialized to do. | |
# Chapter 5, Engage emotionally | |
The truth is that all relationships--even the healthiest--are subject | |
to entropy, the tendency of everything in life to deteriorate into | |
chaos. Friends and especially family require constant attention. | |
All significant relationships dissolve without attention, effort, and | |
care. Emotional intimacy is a mutual understanding of each other's | |
life experiences, strengths, weaknesses, mistakes, fears, hopes, and | |
vulnerabilities. This means there has been adequate time invested, a | |
shared understanding and real connection, caring, safety, and trust. | |
It's a mutual desire to renew and build the relationship, and there | |
is safety to express how you really feel. | |
One of my first defenses, when i feel threatened at all, is to | |
emotionally disengage. I pull back and the walls go up. But when i | |
do this, i am not only hurting those around me who care about me; i | |
am hurting myself. When we're constantly turning toward the others | |
in our lives, we build rich relationships that keep us strong and | |
resilient. | |
# Chapter 6, Friendship, don't take it for granted | |
A true friend is someone who shows an increase of love when you're at | |
your lowest. At your lowest, ugliest point, there will be very few | |
people who are willing to increase their love for you. Especially | |
when you are in a place where you are not meeting their needs. True | |
friendship is unconditional. | |
[All friendship is conditional. All people have limits. All life is | |
conditional. There is no such thing as a completely true friendship, | |
but the upside is that there is no such thing as a completely false | |
friendship either. That gives us wiggle room to work with.] | |
# Chapter 7, Turn outward | |
When you're disconnected from others, you'll likely turn inward. One | |
of the best ways to feel connected with other human beings is to turn | |
outward and serve in the moment. | |
[Some of us have introverted personalities and we *need* to turn | |
inward to recharge. Some of us have genetic mutations that affect | |
how receptive our bodies are to oxytocin. The generalizations made | |
in this book are just that: generalizations. Reality is more | |
complex.] | |
Selfishness is a powerful destroyer of relationships. | |
# Chapter 8, Put down that device! | |
# Chapter 9, Drop the facade | |
I have used this strategy of acting like everything is fine as a | |
defense mechanism to keep people at a distance from me. There are | |
times when i don't let people get close or help me because of my | |
pride. This kills opportunities to create real connection or to help | |
people grow closer to me. When life is at its most difficult is when | |
relationships show what they're made of, and they will usually either | |
become stronger or they will break. ... It's when things aren't | |
perfect that you find out who you really emotionally connect with. | |
[We all have facades, or ways that we present ourselves that are more | |
socially acceptable than our initial impulses. Some people have the | |
attitude that if we removed our facades, then what would remain would | |
be a more authentic self. I have a different attitude. While i | |
agree that we are more than just facades, i disagree that we can be | |
our authentic self without them. We have many facades, layers, | |
roles, and such. They are all natural parts of our complex being. | |
If we stripped them all away then there would be scarcely enough left | |
to call a self. Rather, our authentic self arises out of our | |
complexity. That said, we do have agency, or the choice between | |
possible ways to present ourselves. Some of those ways will sit more | |
easily with us than others. I don't mean the easy path of least | |
resistance. I mean standing in front of the figurative or literal | |
mirror, being able to look yourself in the eye, and completely accept | |
all of yourself. That is our most authentic self.] | |
# Chapter 10, Connection with something bigger than you | |
Regardless of your spiritual or religious practices, connecting with | |
a higher power is a vital facet of relational resilience. | |
Even if you don't believe in anything else, believe in these: | |
* Connection | |
* Options | |
* Hope | |
* Resilience | |
These four things will lead you to something bigger than you. | |
# Chapter 11, What is street resilience? | |
I call it "street" resilience because life on the streets is raw. On | |
the streets, you're alone. You lack resources and support, and you | |
have to fight for your basic needs. You have to use your mistakes as | |
a reason to rise above. | |
Street resilience is channeling your emotions--guiding then, | |
directing them, and using them for a productive purpose, instead of | |
letting your emotions use you. | |
Unfortunately, all of us--young or old, rich or poor--will experience | |
some form of disrespect, discrimination, and regret throughout our | |
lives. It's therefore extremely important that you have street | |
resilience in your toolbox at all times. | |
# Chapter 12, Get the whole picture | |
Ask yourself: Is it possible that i don't have all the information | |
about this? Is there a chance that i am not understanding the other | |
point of view? Because, chances are, you don't. So how do we get | |
the whole picture? ... Look for other points of view that are | |
different from your own, and seek to increase your exposure to other | |
opinions and ways of living. | |
Exposure alone doesn't guarantee understanding. Rather, exposure | |
while seeking to get the whole-picture view is what leads to insight | |
and expanded perception. | |
# Chapter 13, Channel pain into a cause | |
Seek to find a positive, proactive outlet that enables us to | |
transform hurt into action. Latch onto something that excites or | |
moves you. | |
# Chapter 14, Reframe your limitations as potential strengths | |
"Great! You got ADHD! We live in a very fast-paced society, and | |
people would love to have your kind of energy!" | |
Regarding PTSD: Being constantly hypervigilant about a gun pointed at | |
you during wartime may be necessary for survival, but it is a hard | |
way to live. Being hypervigilant about your romantic relationship | |
can be healing. | |
# Chapter 15, Focus on what you did right today | |
Each night, ask yourself these questions: | |
* What did i do right today? | |
* How can i do more of that tomorrow? | |
* Imagine that while you're asleep tonight, a miracle occurs and | |
your problem suddenly doesn't exist. Now, you're waking up | |
tomorrow, not knowing that the miracle happened yet--what would be | |
the first signs that the problem is gone? | |
# Chapter 16, Look fear in the eye | |
It's hard to look fear in the eye and continue to move forward and | |
not let it stop you, but it's like lifting weights: You get stronger | |
with every repetition or exposure. It's not fun in the middle of the | |
workout, but the results can be great! Strategically handling your | |
exposure to fear is more likely to create success. | |
Six big fears that are most prevalent and have the most impact on | |
resilience: | |
* Failure | |
* Embarrassment | |
* Death or Loss | |
* Rejection | |
* Loneliness | |
* Pain | |
The majority of what i worry about is wasted energy. It would be | |
much more productive to focus on what is really happening right in | |
front of me, not the anxieties in my head. | |
Unconditional love counterbalances fear. Love is the sharpest sword | |
you can use to slay the fear monster. | |
# Chapter 17, What is resource resilience? | |
When you have resource resilience, you recognize that your resilience | |
can be increased by tapping into the resources you currently possess | |
or could potentially possess. | |
# Chapter 18, Cultivate a worthy mindset | |
It takes deliberate effort to focus on the positive. To do this, | |
remind yourself of some truths about the human condition. I'm worthy | |
because: | |
* I'm part of the human family. | |
* I'm no different from anyone else. I have a heart, a mind, and | |
emotions, the same as everyone else, and we're all deserving. | |
* I have the same needs that other people have. | |
* I've done all that i could. I tried my best. | |
* If i access this resource, i can use it to do good and to help | |
other people. | |
# Chapter 19, Tap into the power of people | |
We are all surrounded by an almost limitless resource--other people. | |
... even if you're not an especially outgoing person, you can access | |
resource resilience by turning to the people in your life for | |
support. I'm not advising you to manipulate others into doing things | |
for you. | |
If you want to become good at something, or if you want to develop a | |
certain skill or character trait, surround yourself with people who | |
are already the way you want to be. | |
# Chapter 20, Action, action, action! | |
Taking action generates more resources than simply thinking or | |
planning. There is power in preparation and goal setting, but it's a | |
place we can get stuck. Taking action works especially well during | |
stressful times. | |
# Chapter 21, Fight resignation with spontaneity | |
If you can find ways to be spontaneous and find the fun (even when | |
there seems to be absolutely no fun around), everything becomes a bit | |
more doable. | |
# Chapter 22, Wrestle complacency to the ground | |
Complacency is the enemy of resilience. The minute you say, "I'm | |
satisfied," and sit back or take it easy, resources will run from | |
you. Complacency sneaks up on you. It's inconspicuous and may seem | |
harmless, but has hurtful effects. To fight complacency, and to | |
access all the resources available to us, we must seem to educate and | |
improve ourselves constantly. | |
None of us is entitled to anything. If we believe everything should | |
simply be handed to us, we're not going to be out there seeking and | |
striving--and our resilience will drop. | |
[Striving isn't all it's cracked up to be. Especially when it is | |
externally imposed. Not all of us want to be on the capitalist | |
rat-race treadmill.] | |
Learning is a great way to fight complacency; in fact, it's the | |
antithesis of complacency. You always have the opportunity to learn. | |
[Hear hear!!!] | |
# Chapter 23, Get some production therapy | |
One of the best ways to increase resilience that i know of is to get | |
and stay productive. It's impossible to be productive and stagnant | |
at the same time. In a productive state, we're contributors rather | |
than consumers. ... It doesn't have to necessarily be work as in a | |
job. It could be ... essentially, anything that produces something | |
positive. When you're producing, you have a sense of accomplishment. | |
You also experience flow--the feeling of being "in the zone." | |
# Chapter 24, Don't accept no | |
Each time you get a no, potential resources are being pulled away | |
from you. But when you stand up to the word no, more resources show | |
up. Thus, when you fight past a no and get a yes, you're giving | |
yourself the resilience edge. | |
[While this resonates with my life experience, i also know that this | |
sounds super annoying. One principle of consent is that "no means | |
no." The workplace has parallels to dating, and nobody likes a pushy | |
date.] | |
When i am working hard to turn a no into a yes in order to access | |
resources, it is my job to understand the reason i'm being told no. | |
The ability to hear no and walk away and not argue is also a trait of | |
the resilient. | |
Four tips to turn a yes into a no [sic]: | |
* Always remember, people feel better inside when they say yes. | |
* Reevaluate whether you need their yes to proceed. | |
* Use humor wherever possible. | |
* Make sure your mission and motives are truly in the best | |
interests of others. | |
[5. Focus on what you *can* do, rather than what you can't do.] | |
# Chapter 25, What is rock-bottom resilience? | |
To me, rock bottom is when you feel you don't have the motivation to | |
continue to try or go on in life. You lost the desire to fight on or | |
to put effort into daily challenges and tasks. | |
Absolute rock bottom is the lowest point of your life. | |
Emotional rock bottom is when you're simply burned out. | |
# Chapter 26, Radically accept your circumstance | |
Denial is a terrific way to spiral down, fast, to rock bottom--and to | |
stay there. | |
Radical acceptance: accept life as it is, not as we think it is | |
supposed to be. It transforms suffering into normal pain. | |
There are three parts to this wholehearted embrace of reality. | |
Accept: | |
* That our reality is what it is. | |
* That a painful event or situation has a cause. | |
* That life can be worth living even with painful events in it. | |
Acceptance does not equal approval. If you want to change something, | |
you have to accept it first. Acceptance followed by action is how | |
you make effective changes in your life. | |
We must practice every day. We won't get perfect at it. | |
# Chapter 27, Don't make things worse | |
If you want to be resilient, even at rock bottom, your first job is | |
damage control--making sure you don't get into the crisis any deeper. | |
The experiments that prove venting to be unhealthy shocked the | |
scientific community, who expected opposite results. But it's true: | |
Using [displacement] turns out to be a misguided attempt at damage | |
control. In our effort to cope with the damage, we tell ourselves | |
that if we just take out all our [so-called] negative emotions on | |
something "safe", we'll feel better. In reality, we're just digging | |
ourselves deeper. | |
[Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronsen, Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me): | |
Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts | |
(Orlando, FL: Harcourt, 2007).] | |
However, suppressing anger or pushing things under the rug isn't the | |
healthiest tactic either. Once we've ensured that we're not making | |
things worse, we can get on the path to making them better by being | |
honest and communicative. | |
* Tell the truth about problems and frustrations, but keep our | |
voices measured and calm. | |
* Use short 7-12 word sentences that state the problem and begin | |
with "I". | |
This dials down the overall volume and emotion in the room, and | |
allows us to initiate damage control in a difficult situation. | |
# Chapter 28, Go for a small win | |
Sometimes all it takes is one tiny, seemingly insignificant victory | |
to create some momentum and hope. "a series of controllable | |
opportunities of modest size that produce visible results." | |
# Chapter 29, Fix a broken window | |
The broken-window theory means that if an environment is well-kept | |
(the broken windows are quickly repaired), it is perceived to be | |
inviting and safe. Even the appearance of a safe and tidy | |
neighborhood helps to eliminate crime. Likewise, if there are areas | |
of our life that are in chaos, then i am well served to try and get | |
them under control and in better order. If you allow the disarray in | |
your life to remain, it affects not only others' perceptions of you, | |
but also, inevitably, how you feel about yourself. | |
# Chapter 30, Tear off labels | |
The words we hear other people say as they label us can become the | |
words we believe and the characteristics we live up to. It can be | |
life-changing to break free of these labels and feel powerful enough | |
to give ourselves labels of our own choosing. | |
# Chapter 31, Discover the power of a future promise | |
Finding something to look forward to, something that can give you a | |
vision or the incentive to keep going, can make all the difference | |
during a rock-bottom time in your life. | |
# Chapter 32, Be illogical | |
When your back's against the wall and you see no hope, when you don't | |
see any logical options, there's always one other option--the | |
illogical one. | |
# Chapter 33, Forgive--it's the only option | |
Forgiveness is absolutely essential if you have any desire at all to | |
get out, and stay out, of rock bottom. Chances are we will have | |
frequent opportunities to practice forgiving each other. The next | |
time you feel offended or hurt, question your assumption about the | |
other person's intent. Is it possible they truly meant no harm? This | |
may make it easier to forgive. | |
Two skills especially helpful with forgiveness: | |
* Create scenarios. Speculate on the reasons for another's actions. | |
* Write it down. Write a letter to help you think and filter as | |
you confront someone. Or write a letter of apology if you're the | |
offender. | |
# Chapter 34, Conclusion: Self-grace: the final key to resilience | |
self-grace: a recognition of the human condition. Instead of fearing | |
failure, embrace the idea that it's inevitable, and you're completely | |
prepared to forgive yourself when failure does happen. Put failure | |
in perspective so that when you fail, you can move on to a better use | |
of energy and time. Completely let go of the failure. | |
Seven things that make self-grace easier: | |
* Maintain a sense of humor. | |
* Have understanding and compassion for others. | |
* Accept the reality of being human. | |
* Start where i'm standing and move forward. | |
* Find positive channels for my weaknesses. | |
* Avoid comparing myself to others. | |
* Continue to use the four sources of resilience. | |
author: Moore, Christian | |
detail: https://resiliencebreakthrough.com/ | |
ISBN: 978-1-6263-4093-0 | |
tags: book,non-fiction,self-help | |
title: The Resilience Breakthrough | |
# Tags | |
book | |
non-fiction | |
self-help |