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# 2019-08-14 - Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix | |
I have read several couple's therapy books and this one seems to | |
"click" with me more than the others. I disagree with many of the | |
author's assumptions yet i found much of the content compelling and | |
thought-provoking. Below are excerpts intended to jog my memory | |
later. | |
# Introduction | |
We are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we | |
can be healed in relationship. Indeed, we cannot be fully healed | |
outside of a relationship. | |
# Chapter 1, The mystery of attraction | |
Biological model of attraction: we instinctively select mates who | |
will enhance the survival of the species. | |
Exchange theory of mate selection: we select mates who are more or | |
less our equals. | |
Persona theory of mate selection: an important factor in mate | |
selection is the way a potential suitor enhances our self-esteem. | |
... a curious fact--those few individuals that people ARE attracted | |
to tend to resemble one another quite closely. It appears that each | |
one of us is compulsively searching for a mate with a very particular | |
set of positive and negative personality traits. | |
The "old brain" or unconscious has no sense of linear time. | |
Regarding our highly selective choice of mates, we are looking for | |
someone who has the predominant character traits of the people who | |
raised us. Our old brain, trapped in the eternal now and having only | |
a dim awareness of the outside world, is trying to re-create the | |
environment of childhood. And the reason the old brain is trying to | |
resurrect the past is not a matter of habit or blind compulsion but a | |
compelling need to heal old childhood wounds. | |
You fell in love because your old brain believed it had finally found | |
the ideal candidate to make up for the psychological and emotional | |
damage you experienced in childhood. | |
# Chapter 2, Childhood wounds | |
Freud correctly labeled us as insatiable beings. And no parents, no | |
matter how devoted, are able to respond perfectly to all of these | |
changing needs. | |
"The feeling of unity that a child experiences in the womb and in the | |
first few months of life gradually fades, giving way to a drive to be | |
a distinct self." | |
[This is pure speculation from the author that the fetus feels some | |
sense of mystical unity.] | |
... we all have parts of ourselves that we have hidden from | |
consciousness. I call these missing elements the "lost self." | |
Whenever we complain that we "can't think," that we "can't feel | |
anything" or "can't dance" or "can't have orgasms" or "aren't very | |
creative," we are identifying natural abilities, thoughts, or | |
feelings that we have surgically removed from our awareness. They | |
are not gone, we still possess them. But for the moment they are not | |
a part of our consciousness, and it is as if they do not exist. | |
There were certain thoughts and feelings we could not have, certain | |
natural behaviors that we had to extinguish, and certain talents and | |
aptitudes we had to deny. In thousands of ways, both subtly and | |
overtly, our parents gave us the message that they approved only a | |
part of us. In essence, we were told that we could not be whole and | |
exist in this culture. | |
Parts of self: | |
* Your original being you were born with. | |
* Your "lost self," those parts of your being that you had to | |
repress because of the demands of society. | |
* Your "false self," the facade that you erected in order to fill | |
the void created by this repression and by a lack of adequate | |
nurturing. | |
* Your "disowned self," the negative parts of your false self that | |
met with disapproval and were therefore denied. | |
# Chapter 3, Your imago | |
What people are doing in these yin/yang matches is trying to reclaim | |
their lost selves by proxy. | |
Imago: author's coined term for an unconscious image of the opposite | |
sex [hetero-normative] you have been forming since birth. ... The | |
only way you can glimpse into your imago is in dreams. If you | |
reflect on your dreams, one thing you will notice is that your old | |
brain capriciously merges people together. | |
Not everyone finds a mate who conforms so closely to the imago. | |
Sometimes only one or two key characteristics match up, and the | |
initial attraction is likely to be mild. Such a relationship is | |
often less passionate and less troubled than those characterized by a | |
closer match. The reason it is less passionate is that the old brain | |
is still looking for the ideal "gratifying object," and the reason it | |
tends to be less troubled is that there isn't the repetition of so | |
many childhood struggles. | |
# Chapter 4, Romantic love | |
What causes the rush of good feelings that we call romantic love? | |
Psychopharmacologists have learned that lovers are literally high on | |
drugs...--natural hormones and chemicals that flood their bodies with | |
a sense of well-being. | |
To gain additional insight, we need to return to the field of | |
psychology, and to the view that romantic love is a creation of the | |
unconscious mind. | |
By listening to popular songs, reading love poems, plays and novels, | |
and listening to hundreds of couples describe their relationships, I | |
have come to the conclusion that all the words exchanged between | |
lovers since time began can be reduced to four basic sentences--the | |
rest is elaboration. | |
* Recognition: I know we've just met, but somehow i feel as though | |
i already know you. | |
* Timelessness: This is peculiar, but even though we've only been | |
seeing each other for a short time, i can't remember when i didn't | |
know you. | |
* Reunification: When i'm with you, i no longer feel alone; i feel | |
whole, complete. | |
* Necessity: I love you so much, i can't live without you. | |
For a while, lovers cling to the illusion of romantic love. However, | |
this requires a good deal of unconscious play-acting. One bit of | |
make-believe in which virtually all lovers engage is trying to appear | |
to be more emotionally healthy than they really are. After all, if | |
you don't appear to have many needs of your own, your partner is free | |
to assume that your goal in life is to nurture, not to be nurtured, | |
and this makes you very desirable indeed. ... most of us go to a lot | |
of trouble in the early stages of a relationship to appear to be | |
ideal mates. | |
Projective identification: unconsciously identifying yourself with | |
someone else's vision of the ideal partner. | |
To some degree, we all use denial as a coping tool. Whenever life | |
presents us with a difficult or painful situation, we have a tendency | |
to want to ignore reality and create a more palatable fantasy. But | |
there is no time in our lives when our denial mechanism is more fully | |
engaged than in the early stages of our love relationships. | |
# Chapter 5, The power struggle | |
When does romantic love end and the power struggle begin? ... for | |
most couples there is a noticeable change in the relationship about | |
the time they make a definite commitment to each other. ... the | |
pleasant, inviting dance of courtship draws to a close, and lovers | |
begin to want not only the expectation of need fulfillment--the | |
illusion that was responsible for the euphoria of romantic love--but | |
the reality as well. Suddenly... [their parters] now have to satisfy | |
a whole hierarchy of expectations, some conscious, but most hidden | |
from their awareness. | |
Once a relationship seems secure, a psychological switch is triggered | |
deep in the old brain that activates all the latent infantile wishes. | |
It is as if the wounded child within takes over. "I've been good | |
enough long enough to ensure that this person is going to stay around | |
for a while. Let's see the payoff." | |
At some point in their marriage, most people discover that something | |
about their husbands or wives awakens strong memory of childhood pain. | |
Some factors to fuel a power struggle: | |
* Our partners make us feel anxious by stirring up forbidden parts | |
of ourselves. | |
* Our partners have or appear to have the same negative traits as | |
our parents, adding further injury to old wounds and thereby | |
awakening our unconscious fear of death. | |
* We begin to project our own denied negative traits. | |
All of these interactions are unconscious. All [that] people know is | |
that they feel confused, angry, anxious, depressed, and unloved. | |
In despair, people begin to use negative tactics to force their | |
partners to be more loving. They believe that, if they give their | |
partners enough pain, the partners will return to their former loving | |
ways. | |
When we were babies, we didn't smile sweetly at our mothers to get | |
them to take care of us. We didn't pinpoint our discomfort by | |
putting it into words. We simply opened our mouths and screamed. | |
And it didn't take us long to learn that, the louder we screamed, the | |
quicker they came. The success of this tactic was turned into an | |
"imprint," a part of our stored memory about how to get the world to | |
respond to our needs: "When you are frustrated, provoke the people | |
around you. Be as unpleasant as possible until someone comes to your | |
rescue." | |
# Chapter 6, Becoming conscious | |
We need to take the rational skills that we use in other parts of our | |
lives and bring them to bear on our love relationships. Once we | |
forge a working alliance between the powerful, instinctive drives of | |
the old brain and the discriminating, cognitive powers of the new | |
brain, we can realize our unconscious goals. Through the marriage of | |
old-brain instincts and new-brain savvy, we can gradually leave the | |
frustrations of the power struggle behind us. | |
... in most interactions with your spouse, you are actually safer | |
when you lower your defenses than when you keep them engaged, because | |
your partner becomes and ally, not an enemy. | |
Ten characteristics of a conscious marriage: | |
* You realize that your love relationship has a hidden purpose--the | |
healing of childhood wounds. | |
* You create a more accurate image of your partner. | |
* You take responsibility for communicating your needs and desires | |
to your partner. | |
* You become more intentional in your interactions... you train | |
yourself to behave in a more constructive manner. | |
* You learn to value your partner's needs and wishes as highly as | |
you value your own. | |
* You embrace the dark side of your personality. | |
* You learn new techniques to satisfy your basic needs and | |
desires... your partner can indeed be a resource for you. | |
* You search within yourself for the strengths and abilities you | |
are lacking. | |
* You become more aware of your drive to be loving and whole and | |
united with the universe. | |
* You accept the difficulty of creating a good marriage. ... a good | |
marriage requires commitment, discipline, and the courage to grow | |
and change; marriage is hard work. | |
# Chapter 7, Closing your exits | |
The authors ground rules for therapy: | |
* Couples must agree to come for at least 12 consecutive sessions. | |
Statistically the majority of couples quit therapy between the | |
third and fifth appointments. The 12 session commitment gives | |
assurance that the couple will stay long enough to work through | |
their initial resistance. | |
* Define their relationship vision. | |
* Commit to staying together for the initial 12 sessions of therapy. | |
* Gradually close their exits. | |
In the romantic stage of a relationship, people find it relatively | |
easy to be intimate, because they are filled with the anticipation of | |
wish fulfillment. Their partners seem to be Mommy and Daddy and | |
doctor and therapist all rolled into one. Months or years later, | |
when they come to the realization that their partners are committed | |
to their own salvation, not theirs, they feel angry and betrayed. A | |
tacit agreement has been broken. In retaliation they erect an | |
emotional barricade. In effect, they are saying, "I am angry at you | |
for not meeting my needs." Then they begin to systematically seek | |
pleasure and satisfaction of their needs outside the relationship. | |
An exit is acting out one's feelings rather than putting them into | |
language. Acting out means expressing a conscious or unconscious | |
feeling in behavior rather than words. An exit withdraws energy and | |
involvement from the relationship that belongs in the relationship. | |
# Chapter 8, Creating a zone of safety | |
Once a couple has made a commitment to stay together and to take part | |
in a program of marital therapy, the next logical step is to help | |
them become allies, not enemies. ... I learned that i could influence | |
the way a couple feels about each other by helping them artificially | |
reconstruct the conditions of romantic love. When two people treat | |
each other the way they did in happier times, they begin to identify | |
each other as a source of pleasure once again... | |
But there is no genetic code that governs marriage. Marriage is a | |
cultural creation imposed on biology. Insight into childhood wounds | |
is a critical element in therapy, but it isn't enough. People also | |
need to learn how to let go of counterproductive behaviors and | |
replace them with more effective ones. | |
Why is this simple [reromanticizing] exercise so effective? The | |
obvious reason is that, through daily repetitions of positive | |
behaviors, the old brain begins to perceive the partner as "someone | |
who nourishes me." This opens the way for intimacy, which is only | |
possible in a context of pleasure and safety. | |
But there are other, subtler reasons the exercise works so well. One | |
is that it helps people erode the infantile belief that their | |
partners can read their minds. The exercise requires couples to tell | |
each other exactly what pleases them, decreasing their reliance on | |
mental telepathy. | |
The exercise also defeats the tit-for-tat mentality of the power | |
struggle. This exercise also helps people see that what pleases them | |
is the product of their unique makeup and life experience and can be | |
very different from what pleases their partners. Another benefit of | |
this exercise is that, when couples regularly give each other these | |
target behaviors, they not only improve the superficial climate of | |
their relationship, but also begin to heal old wounds. | |
Surprise list: add unanticipated pleasures to the daily regimen of | |
caring behaviors. This lessens the law of diminishing returns. | |
Fun list: also engage in several high-energy, fun activities per | |
week. These are to be spontaneous, one-on-one activities like | |
wrestling, tickling, massaging, showering together, jumping up and | |
down, or dancing. | |
People who grew up experiencing a great deal of repression tend to | |
have a particularly hard time with the reromanticizing exercise. | |
They have difficulty coming up with any requests, or they sabotage | |
their partners efforts to carry them out. | |
Isolators often have a difficult time with this exercise. They want | |
to cooperate, but they just can't think of anything their partners | |
can do for them; they don't seem to have any needs or desires. What | |
they are really doing is hiding behind the psychic shield they | |
erected as children to protect themselves from overbearing parents. | |
They discovered early in life that one way to maintain a feeling of | |
autonomy around their intrusive parents was to keep their thoughts | |
and feelings to themselves. When they deprived their parents of this | |
valuable information, their parents were less able to invade their | |
space. After a while, many isolators do the ultimate disappearing | |
act and hide their feelings from themselves. In the end, it's safest | |
not to know. | |
# Chapter 9, Increasing your knowledge of yourself and your partner | |
When you accept the limited nature of your own perception and become | |
more receptive to the truth of your partner's perceptions, a whole | |
world opens up to you. Instead of seeing your partner's differing | |
views as a source of conflict, you find them a source of knowledge: | |
"What are you seeing that i am not seeing?" | |
* Principle 1: Most of your partner's criticisms of you have some | |
basis in reality. | |
* Principle 2: Many of your repetitious, emotional criticisms of | |
your partner are disguised statements of your own unmet needs. | |
* Principle 3: Some of your repetitive, emotional criticisms of | |
your partner may be an accurate description of a disowned part of | |
yourself. | |
* Principle 4: Some of your criticisms of your partner may help you | |
identify your own lost self. | |
In order to deepen your understanding of your partner's subjective | |
reality, you need to train yourself to communicate more effectively. | |
To do this, it helps to know something about semantics: even though | |
you and your partner speak the same language, each of you dwells in | |
an idiosyncratic world of private meanings. Growing in different | |
families with different life experiences has given you private | |
lexicons. | |
The "couple's dialogue" is the name of a three-part exercise that | |
serves a number of vital functions in your creation of a conscious | |
marriage. First of all, it focuses your attention on the actual | |
words your partner is saying. Most of us rarely listen to what other | |
people are saying. When we should be listening, we are responding to | |
the impact of what we are hearing. In other words, we are listening | |
to ourselves react. When you manage to focus on the words your | |
partner is saying, you stand more of a chance of getting the meaning | |
behind those words. Second, when you engage in dialogue with your | |
partner and really listen to the words and search for their meaning, | |
you discover that you live with another person whose inner experience | |
is different from yours much of the time. It is essential that you | |
realize that you live with another person who is not an extension of | |
you. Not to recognize this is the major source of conflict between | |
partners. Finally, the regular use of Couple's Dialogue, especially | |
when you are in conflict, creates a deep emotional connection between | |
you and your partner. When talking together reaches this profound | |
level, it becomes a spiritual experience. | |
The three parts of Couple's Dialogue are called mirroring, | |
validation, and empathy. | |
Mirroring is a combination of "i" statements and reflective listening. | |
An "i" statement is expressing a thought or feeling in a short | |
sentence beginning with "i." When one of you has something important | |
to say, then use an "i" statement. | |
Reflective listening is when your partner restates your sentence in | |
her or his own words and then asks if the message was received | |
correctly. | |
You repeat this process until your partner clearly understands what | |
you meant to say. | |
Then your partner deepens the communication by asking if you have | |
anything more to add to the topic, typically by using the words "Is | |
there more?" You then add another piece of the message, which your | |
partner paraphrases and confirms. You continue with this process | |
until you feel satisfied that you've conveyed your full message and | |
that your partner has received it accurately. In my work with | |
couples, i have found that this "tell me more" part of the mirroring | |
exercise is one of the keys to its success. When you are encouraged | |
to convey the entirety of a thought or feeling to your partner, your | |
partner is given enough information to begin to comprehend your point | |
of view. | |
Validation is when you affirm the internal logic of each other's | |
remarks. In essence, they are telling each other, "What you're | |
saying makes sense to me. I can see why you would think that way." | |
Empathy is validating feelings and affirming raw emotions. | |
When couples master the three-step process of mirroring, validation, | |
and empathy, their gender differences begin to diminish. A man who | |
was relatively repressed in the beginning starts to value empathy as | |
much as his female partner. The reason this occurs is that seeing | |
and acknowledging feelings in the other makes them less foreign to | |
the self. Meanwhile, a woman who was emotionally volatile becomes | |
less so. Because she no longer needs to amplify her feelings in | |
order to have her stoic partner acknowledge them, she can express | |
them with less force. This is especially true for anger. It is | |
always surprising to me to see how quickly anger will dissipate once | |
it's been received and fully acknowledged. | |
As helpful as the Couple's Dialogue may be, people have an almost | |
universal reaction to it: "Do we really have to go through all these | |
steps in order to communicate something meaningful?" The answer to | |
this specific question is no. If all you're seeking is effective | |
communication, then mirroring alone may be sufficient. But if you | |
want to move beyond communication to communion, then you need to | |
include all three steps. | |
Couple's Dialogue requires you to abandon some deeply ingrained | |
habits and adopt a formulaic way of relating. Much of the time, it's | |
going to feel forced. But as you begin to experience some of its | |
benefits, you will become less resistant. Eventually--and it may | |
take years--you will have transformed your relationship to the point | |
that you will be able to abandon the exercise altogether. When that | |
day arrives, you will be communing, not just conversing. | |
# Chapter 10, Defining your curriculum | |
At the time i was getting the same counsel from my own therapist. | |
"You have to accept the fact that your mother didn't have any energy | |
for you, Harville," he would tell me. "And your wife can't give you | |
what you want, either. She can't make up for those early years. You | |
just have to let go of those longings." In other words, "You didn't | |
get it then, and you're not going to get it now. Grow up and get on | |
with life." I tried to accept what he was telling me, but i was | |
aware that in the core of my being i was unwilling to let go of my | |
unfinished business. | |
Eventually i sought out a different therapist, one with a more | |
optimistic view about the possibility of resolving childhood needs. | |
He believed that it was possible for people to make up for what they | |
didn't get in childhood through self-love. ... The reason this | |
approach doesn't work is that it is sabotaged by the old brain. When | |
we were infants, unable to meet out physical and emotional needs, | |
pain and pleasure came magically from the outside world. When the | |
bottle or the breast appeared, our hunger was satisfied. When we | |
were left alone in our cribs to cry, we felt angry and afraid. As we | |
grew older, our old brain remained in this passive worldview: good | |
feelings and bad feelings were created by the actions of other | |
people; we couldn't take care of ourselves; others had to do it for | |
us. The part of me that hurt couldn't accept love from within myself | |
because i had externalized my source of salvation. | |
I gradually resigned myself to the fact that healing love has to come | |
from outside oneself. ... After numerous experiments like this, i | |
concluded that the love we are seeking has to come not just from | |
another person within the context of a safe, intimate relationship, | |
but from an imago match--someone so similar to our parents that our | |
unconscious mind has them fused. This appears to be the only way to | |
erase the pains of childhood. | |
If people were going to be healed, i conjectured, their partners | |
would have to change. ... In other words, in his efforts to heal his | |
partner, he would be recovering an essential part of himself. The | |
unconscious selection process has brought together two people who can | |
either hurt each other or heal each other, depending upon their | |
willingness to grow and change. | |
I reminded Melanie that letting her husband know how much she wanted | |
him to share a bedroom with her was an important piece of information | |
for him, but in no way obligated him to cooperate. The only | |
legitimate power she had in the relationship was to inform Stewart of | |
her needs and to change her own behavior to meet Stewart's needs. | |
To summarize, Melanie and Stewart reaped three important benefits | |
from the Stretching exercise: | |
* The partner who requested the behavioral changes was able to | |
resolve some childhood needs. | |
* The partner who made the changes recovered aspects of the lost | |
self. | |
* The partner who made the changes satisfied repressed needs that | |
were identical to the partner's. | |
This beneficial change always involves some resistance. Resistance | |
to the satisfaction of a deeply held need is more common than most | |
people would believe. | |
Marriage can fulfill your hidden drive to be healed and whole. But | |
it can't happen the way you want it to happen--easily, automatically, | |
without defining what it is that you want without asking, and without | |
reciprocating. You have to moderate your old-brain reactivity with a | |
more intentional, conscious style of interaction. You have to stop | |
expecting the outside world to take care of you and begin to accept | |
responsibility for your own healing. And the way you do this, | |
paradoxically, is by focusing your energy on healing your partner. | |
It is when you direct your energy away from yourself and toward your | |
partner that deep-level psychological and spiritual healing begins to | |
take place. | |
# Chapter 11, Containing rage | |
Barbara was learning something that i had suspected for some time: | |
she was secretly very angry. She kept her anger hidden from both | |
herself and Allen by turning it inward as depression. But in order | |
to repress her rage, she also had to stifle her sexuality, her | |
appetite for food, her interest in playing the piano, her excitement | |
at new ideas--any stirring of her life energy was threatening to her. | |
... As a consequence, she was living a shadowy half-life. An | |
adaptation that served a useful purpose in childhood was now draining | |
the life from her marriage. | |
Anger is destructive to a relationship, no matter what its form. | |
The idea that one should be in touch with one's own pain and anger | |
goes against some powerful directives. How can we release our anger | |
and not hurt the people we love? The answer is a process called | |
"containment." | |
Exercises designed to reduce rage are a fairly new arrival to the | |
field of psychotherapy. | |
The "container transaction" is a rage-containment exercise that i | |
have specifically adapted for couples. Its purpose is to allow you | |
to express your angry feelings without having your partner counter | |
them, or deny them. Instead of arguing about the cause of your | |
anger, your partner is trained to acknowledge its existence. When | |
your partner listens carefully, paraphrases your remarks, and then | |
acknowledges the existence of your intense emotions, your need for | |
attention is satisfied, the environment becomes safe and affirming, | |
and your anger gradually dissipates. The Container Transaction is | |
not designed to eliminate the source of your anger--that can be done | |
at a later date by requesting a specific behavioral change. The | |
exercise simply affirms the reality of your emotions. Essentially, | |
the Container Transaction is a graduate level version of the | |
mirroring exercise, described in chapter 9. The main difference is | |
that in the Container Transaction the person who is sharing the | |
information has more intense emotions. This increased voltage | |
necessitates three ground rules. | |
* Neither partner is allowed to leave the room until the exercise | |
is completed. | |
* Neither partner can damage any property nor touch the other | |
person in a hostile manner. | |
* The angry person must limit all remarks to a description of | |
behavior, not a description of character. | |
When it's your turn to do the containing, you learn to become more | |
skilled in nonreactivity. You learn that your partner's anger won't | |
harm you. You begin to allow each other fuller expression of your | |
emotions, because you have desensitized yourselves to anger. | |
Eventually you develop a clearer sense of boundaries, learning that | |
you don't have to be entwined in your partner's emotional state. | |
A technique that i use with couples who express the same intense | |
frustrations over and over again is called "core-scene revision." | |
This exercise helps reduce the frequency and intensity of core | |
scenes, fights, and arguments, which can be so destructive to the | |
climate of a relationship. Core scenes occur when the childhood | |
adaptations of one partner are pitted against the childhood | |
adaptations of the other, making the encounter doubly wounding. | |
Typically, core scenes end in an impasse, with both individuals in | |
deep emotional pain. | |
One couple, Jack and Deborah, had recurring fights that they named | |
"three-o'clockers," because they often lasted until three in the | |
morning. These were not explosive fights, but wearing, exhausting, | |
repetitive confrontations that ended without resolution. Following a | |
three-o'clocker they would be depressed for days. | |
After recounting four or five versions of what was essentially the | |
same fight, Jack and Deborah were able to see what the fights had in | |
common. At first they found it amusing to reduce the fights to their | |
lowest common denominators; there was a lot of laughter as they | |
looked at their pain from afar. But then a sadness crept into the | |
discussion: "This isn't something that I feel very proud of," said | |
Jack. "Why do we fall into the same trap over and over again?" | |
Their core scene goes something like this: | |
Act I: It is five o'clock in the evening. Jack comes home from work | |
and it confronted by Deborah, who wants him to do something. It | |
could be anything--help plan a vacation, do some yard work, sort | |
through the mail. Jack says he would be happy to do it--later. | |
After he has had a chance to jog. | |
Act II: Jack goes jogging. He comes home. As he enters the door, | |
Deborah confronts him and asks him if he will now do X. Jack says, | |
"Sure. After I take a shower." | |
Act III: Jack takes a shower. Deborah tracks him down and insists | |
that now is the time to do X. Jack says, "Sure--after I have a | |
drink." | |
Act IV (the climax of the drama): Jack has several drinks. He begins | |
to relax and enjoy himself. Deborah enters the room irate. "Why | |
don't you either do it now or tell me that you don't want to do it?" | |
Deborah yells. "I hate all this foot-dragging!" "But I want to do | |
it," counters Jack. "Just give me time. I'm tired. I want to | |
relax. Back off." Jack begins to work on a crossword puzzle and | |
ignores his wife. She gets hysterical. "I hate you!" she cries out. | |
"You never do what you say. You never listen to me! I feel like | |
I'm living with a robot! I have no feelings for you!" Jack tries to | |
block out her anger by concentrating even more intently on his | |
puzzle. Then, finding no peace, he gets up and leaves the house. | |
Act V: Jack comes home, hours later. He's been drinking. Deborah | |
launches into her attack once more. The fight continues, with | |
Deborah delivering devastating criticisms and Jack trying either to | |
placate her or ignore her. Eventually they both get tired of the | |
melodrama and turn away from each other in despair. | |
Let's analyze this core scene for a moment. If one were to search | |
for Jack and Deborah in the psychology textbooks, Jack would be | |
described as "passive-aggressive." He is angry angry at Deborah for | |
organizing his life and intruding on his space, but is afraid to | |
express it directly. Instead he stalls, jogs, showers, drinks, works | |
on the crossword puzzle--in other words, takes full advantage of the | |
numerous exits he has carved into the relationship. Deborah would be | |
labeled as "aggressive-aggressive." "She's a bulldog," says Jack, | |
not without admiration. She is up front with both her demands and | |
her anger. The irreducible element in their core scene is that the | |
more Deborah attacks the more Jack retreats, and the more Jack | |
retreats the more Deborah feels abandoned. Deborah's anger at Jack's | |
passivity is really disguised panic. She is terrified of being left | |
alone, and Jack's inertness makes her feel as if she were dealing | |
with a nonentity, a pale ghost with no real substance. | |
I explained to Deborah and Jack that, in order to end the impasse, | |
they would need to rewrite their play--not metaphorically, but | |
literally. They would need to go home, take out pencils and paper, | |
and rewrite the drama so that when the curtain goes down after the | |
final act, they would be locked in an embrace, not in conflict. Then | |
they would need to read their new script over and over again so that | |
the new options would be just as available to them as their | |
habituated ones. | |
The "Full Container" is an exercise that helps people get in touch | |
with their rage and connect it to its original childhood source. The | |
Full Container works equally well for people who are depressed and | |
for people who are overtly angry. I must emphasize that this | |
exercise, unlike the others, requires the supervision of a therapist. | |
I am describing it in general terms here, however, because it will | |
help you understand the role that anger plays in your marriage. | |
# Chapter 12, Portrait of two marriages | |
What i'm talking about is native spirituality, a spirituality that is | |
as much a part of our being as our sexuality, a spirituality that is | |
a gift to us the moment we are conceived, a spirituality that we lose | |
sight of in childhood but that can be experienced once again in | |
adulthood if we learn how to heal old wounds. When we regain | |
awareness of our essential inner unity, we make an amazing discovery: | |
we are no longer cut off from the rest of the world. Because we are | |
in touch with the miracle of our own being, we are free to experience | |
the beauty and complexity of the world. The universe has meaning and | |
purpose, and we experience ourselves as part of a larger whole. | |
It is my conviction that one of the surest routes to this exalted | |
state of being is the humble path of marriage. When we gather the | |
courage to search for the truth of our being and the truth of our | |
partner's being, we begin a journey of psychological and spiritual | |
healing. | |
When partners learn to see each other without distortion, to value | |
each other as highly as they value themselves, to give without | |
expecting anything in return, to commit themselves fully to each | |
other's welfare, love moves freely between them without apparent | |
effort. The partner is no longer perceived as a surrogate parent, | |
nor as an enemy, but as a passionate friend. | |
When couples are able to love in this selfless manner, they | |
experience a release of energy. They cease to be consumed by the | |
details of their relationship, or the need to operate within the | |
artificial structure of exercises; they spontaneously treat each | |
other with love and respect. | |
One characteristic of couples who have reached this advanced stage of | |
consciousness is that they begin to turn their energy away from each | |
other toward the woundedness of the world. They develop a greater | |
concern for the environment, for people in need, for important | |
causes. The capacity to love and heal that they have created within | |
the marriage is now available for others. | |
I have found no better description of this rare kind of love than in | |
I Corinthians 13: | |
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, | |
it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not | |
easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight | |
in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects. It always | |
trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. | |
# Chapter 13, Ten steps toward a conscious marriage | |
This chapter outlines a course of therapeutic exercises broken into | |
ten weekly sessions. | |
As you work on the exercises, keep in mind these two cardinal rules: | |
* The information you gather in the process of doing the exercises | |
is designed to educate you and your partner about each others | |
needs. Sharing this information does not obligate you to meet | |
those needs. | |
* When you share your thoughts and feelings with each other, you | |
become emotionally vulnerable. It is important that you use the | |
information you gain about each other in a loving and helpful | |
manner. | |
author: Hendrix, Harville | |
detail: https://harvilleandhelen.com/books/getting-the-love-you-want/ | |
LOC: HQ734 .H49 | |
tags: book,love,non-fiction,self-help | |
title: Getting The Love You Want | |
# Tags | |
book | |
love | |
non-fiction | |
self-help |