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# 2019-02-11 - How To Communicate Like A Buddhist by Cynthia Kane | |
# Intro | |
When i finally took notice of my communication style, i realized none | |
of it was actually mine! This book came out of my own need to | |
redefine my communication style. When i looked closely, i saw that | |
my default methods of communication led me to interact with others in | |
a way that was completely out of step with what i really wanted. The | |
Buddhist four elements of right speech, or four rules of | |
communication, and over the last five years i have modernized and | |
melded them with other forms of mindful, nonviolent, and what i call | |
self-responsible communication to create a working practice. | |
# Chapter 1, What's Your Communication Style? | |
Right Speech: | |
* tell the truth | |
* don't exaggerate | |
* don't gossip | |
* use helpful language | |
Three Questions: Is what i am about to say: | |
* true | |
* kind | |
* helpful? | |
... my experience is that very few people are able to give up | |
speaking untruths altogether. But if we can become mindful of when, | |
where, and most importantly why we lie, we have taken the first step | |
toward eliminating or at least minimizing them from our | |
communications. | |
Here are some ways you can prevent exaggeration from your | |
communications: | |
* Pay attention to words that overemphasize the negative or | |
positive of a situation. | |
* Pay attention to your reactions. Are they over the top? Is it | |
all about you? | |
* Check whether you are feeling "better than" or "less than" | |
whomever you are with, remembering that in reality this isn't | |
possible. | |
Litmus test for gossip: What if the person i'm talking about heard me? | |
Before you share information from someone else, ask yourself: | |
* Is this your information to share? | |
* If you do share this information, who are you helping? | |
* Why do you want to share it? | |
* If that someone else knew you were sharing it, how would they | |
feel? | |
* If a child overheard, what would they learn? | |
* Is what you are about to say disrespecting someone else? | |
Helpful language: | |
* Choose words that express ourselves in such a way that others | |
don't feel attacked or criticized. | |
* Make a conscious decision to be kind in your responses rather | |
than reactionary. | |
To accomplish right speech, you need to: | |
* Listen to yourself | |
* Listen to others | |
* Speak consciously, concisely, and clearly | |
* Use the language of silence | |
* Meditate | |
# Chapter 2, Mindful Listening | |
How to listen to yourself: | |
* Pay attention to your words and speech | |
* Pay attention to your feelings | |
* See yourself with friendly eyes | |
## Communication habits: | |
Complainer | |
Instead of saying: The food was good, but the restaurant was too | |
loud. Say something like: The food was good and the restaurant was | |
loud. | |
Apologizer | |
Consider whether you actually feel apologetic before saying you are | |
sorry. Would "excuse me," "pardon me," or nothing at all work better? | |
* Should -- I could do X, and i am choosing to do ... | |
* I am -- Rather than: I am angry, Try: I have anger, Or: I am | |
feeling angry | |
* Always / Never -- Try: Up until now / Right now | |
Many psychologists identify the stories we tell ourselves as the | |
basis for our limiting beliefs. The process begins with seeing them | |
for what they are: stories. | |
When facing a negative self story, say to yourself: | |
* I don't have to believe this story. | |
* This story isn't true. | |
* This story isn't mine. | |
* This isn't the story i want to tell. | |
Feel the difference in your emotional state after you tell yourself | |
these things. Then ask yourself: | |
* What am i feeling when i believe this story? | |
* What is the pain i feel? | |
* What is the fear behind it? | |
* How am i hurting? | |
Identifying, naming, and exposing our fears to the light of day | |
begins to take away their power, because they are no longer | |
unconsciously defining us. | |
Then comfort yourself and say: | |
* You're OK. | |
* You're good. | |
* You're safe in this moment. | |
* I believe in you. | |
Do this until calmed. Then ask: | |
* What can i do to make myself feel better? | |
* How can i be kind to myself in this moment? | |
* Through all this turbulence, how can i even out? | |
* What do i need in this moment? | |
* What do i want in this moment? | |
This is the path to changing your internal communication style. Once | |
you are no longer trapped by your own self-deprecating stories, you | |
are better able to have conversations with others that are open, | |
honest, and come with no agenda. | |
Process for noticing how we speak to others: | |
* I am experiencing a stressful situation. | |
* I choose not to get stuck in it. | |
* I focus on the present moment. The feeling i feel. | |
* I'm OK. I'm good. I believe in me. | |
* When was the first time i felt this feeling? Could it be a past | |
trauma? | |
* See yourself with compassion. | |
* How can i make myself feel better? How can i make this | |
interaction helpful? | |
One of the most important pieces in transforming your communication | |
from reactive to responsive is to simply pause before speaking. Why? | |
Because that is where you get the opportunity to reflect on how you | |
are feeling in the present moment, see yourself and others with | |
compassion, and in so doing, you are far more likely to move away | |
from reacting in the same old way. | |
... I'd like to advocate the idea that you can pause a conversation | |
as well. For example, let's say you are in a conversation and you | |
get caught somewhere between these steps--you've identified your | |
feelings but can't get to a place of compassion. I suggest saying | |
something like "I really want to discuss this, but i think things are | |
a bit confusing and complicated for me right now. I need some time | |
to think about this and get back to you." | |
One often overlooked tool that can help us communicate more | |
effectively is humor, which, much like the pause, can help defuse | |
tension in a stressful situation. | |
# Chapter 3, Listen To Others | |
Four steps: | |
* Be present | |
* See things from the other person's point of view. | |
* Learn to accept what's true. | |
* Ask yourself if there is a way you can help. | |
How to be a present listener: | |
* Before a conversation, de-clutter your headspace. | |
* During a conversation, notice the moment you're in. | |
Three techniques to de-clutter your headspace: | |
* conscious breathing | |
* gratitude practice | |
* write it down | |
Notice when your attention has drifted to the past, future, what | |
you're going to say next, etc. Acknowledge that to yourself without | |
judgment and bring your attention back into the present interaction. | |
Being present in a conversation looks like the following process. | |
* Focused attention | |
* Thought. Distraction. | |
* Note without judgment; I'm not listening. I need to start again. | |
* Refocused attention -> loop back to step 1 | |
By drifting and refocusing, we're constantly coming back to the | |
present moment again and again, keeping us tied to the conversation | |
we're in and aware of its needs. | |
How to see from another person's perspective: | |
* Shift your focus from "I" to "We." | |
* Think of the other person's unique experiences. | |
* Ask, How can i see this situation differently? | |
To see from another person's perspective we must see them as an | |
equal. Enter a conversation viewing everyone involved as deserving | |
of love and support. | |
When you feel yourself reacting strongly to criticism, it's a good | |
indication that the criticism is true--at least on some level. The | |
practice of listening to others invites us to look within, and accept | |
any truth that we find. Constructive feedback is actually a gift, | |
some piece of information about yourself that you have hitherto been | |
unable to see, but you have to make yourself willing and available to | |
see it. | |
Even when we aren't quite sure we can see the truth in it, it's often | |
best to reply with something like, "I recognize your point of view. | |
I think i need to take some time to think about what you have said." | |
How can i be helpful to others? | |
* Pay attention to their feelings. | |
* Respond with care. | |
* Be there for them. | |
When you're with someone who is upset, notice whether they are | |
identifying their feelings or focusing exclusively on a story. If | |
it's the latter, ask how they are feeling in that moment. This helps | |
them move closer to healing what's happening inside. When someone | |
asks you for feedback, a good rule of thumb is to "share your | |
experience" rather than give advice. | |
Being there means caring about others and wanting the best for them. | |
Being there for someone is a form of communication that is beyond | |
words. To be there is to accept the other person in all their joy | |
and pain. Through the act of really listening, you are sending the | |
message of "I'm here for you. You are not alone." | |
Three practical ways to show your support for someone in a | |
conversation: | |
* Let the other person speak without any interruptions. (The | |
average person listens for only 17 seconds before interrupting.) | |
* Make eye contact. | |
* Give feedback or share experiences only if it's requested. | |
Additional tools: | |
* Put your phone down. | |
* Ask yourself questions during the conversation: | |
- What does this person need? | |
- How can i help this person suffer less? | |
- How can i be there for them? | |
- Am i judging the person i'm with? | |
- Do i think i know what they will say next? | |
- Am i getting lost in thought? | |
* If you know you won't be able to give someone your full | |
attention, let them know that this isn't a great time to talk and | |
ask if you can reschedule. | |
* You can be agreeable without agreeing with everything a person | |
says. | |
* Show you're taking what they're saying to heart. Ex: | |
- I can imagine you might have felt... | |
- I can see you're feeling... | |
# Chapter 4, Speak Consciously, Concisely, and Clearly | |
If we start to pay conscious attention to our word choice before we | |
speak, then we can choose wisely before it's too late. The first | |
step to conscious speech involves slowing the communication down. | |
Discerning what is worth a response and what is worthy of a simple | |
acknowledgment instead means we have to change the rhythm of the | |
conversation. We can slow the beats of the conversation by drawing | |
out the space between our thoughts and words. | |
Before we speak: | |
* pause | |
* breathe | |
* Internal question (Is what i have to say true, kind, and helpful?) | |
The next step toward conscious speech is to know what is and isn't | |
your responsibility within a conversation. You are in control of | |
your speech. You are not in control of other's interpretations and | |
reactions. As a listener, you are in control of your own | |
interpretations and reactions. | |
What i have learned is that if someone is having a bad day or a | |
difficult time, there is nothing wrong with trying to make that | |
person feel better, as long as you remember that ultimately it's up | |
to them to have the self-awareness to see what the trouble is and | |
then decide what needs to happen in order to feel better. It's the | |
other person's responsibility to learn how to alleviate their own | |
pain. We can acknowledge the pain, be there for the pain, listen to | |
the pain, but it's not our pain to resolve, nor is it within our | |
power to do so. | |
Before you go to your next meeting or important conversation, ask the | |
following questions: | |
* What is your intention or goal for the conversation? | |
* What points do you want to get to across? | |
* What do you want to know or learn from the other person/people? | |
By writing this down you can more easily stay focused on having | |
productive, healthy dialogue. | |
Our responsibility in a conversation both as a speaker and a listener | |
is your: | |
* words | |
* actions | |
* reactions | |
* thoughts | |
* feelings | |
* silence | |
The fewer words we use, the more likely we are to choose them | |
consciously. The more we pare down our words, the more expressive we | |
can actually be. Filtering our words through the four elements of | |
right speech makes it easier for us to reign them in. Using fewer | |
words helps to avoid distraction and helps our listener to understand | |
and respond to us. | |
Vague language creates ambiguity in conversation, which can lead to | |
difficulties later that could have been avoided. Be more clear by | |
saying what you mean, asking for what you need, and being specific. | |
# Chapter 5, Use the Language of Silence | |
Notice silence--how you're using it, what the feeling is behind | |
it--and see things from the other person's perspective with loving | |
eyes. Use gaps when speaking to include others in the conversation, | |
turning the conversation away from I to we. Take time to think about | |
your interactions to make sure they are kind, honest, and helpful. | |
# Chapter 6, Meditation | |
Mindful silence is sitting for five, ten, twenty minutes or more, in | |
silence with a focused attention. Noticing our thoughts and | |
feelings, but not attaching to them; simply accepting them and then | |
letting go to come back to the focus of our attention, which can be | |
our breath, our body, a mantra, etc. Mindful silence in this context | |
is meditation. | |
Meditation helps us accept what is happening in the moment. This | |
allows us to be more open and compassionate with others, and to see | |
situations and circumstances more clearly; but it is not a | |
one-time-only kind of deal. Meditation is never accomplished, | |
finished, or mastered. It is a practice that, when cultivated, | |
reminds us that at any point in our communications we can refocus, | |
come back to our breath, and start again. | |
* Metta - Loving Kindness Meditation, use to enhance | |
self-compassion. | |
* Vipassana - use to implement honesty. | |
* Tonglen - use to see things from another person's perspective. | |
* Meditation to detach from a story line. | |
* Meditation to balance or re-balance communication. | |
Meditation to detach from a story line: | |
Assume your meditation posture and close your eyes. Inhale and | |
exhale to center yourself. Think of the stories you've been | |
gathering. What have you been obsessing over or talking about with | |
others again and again? See the story and invite the feeling behind | |
it. Ask yourself, What do i feel? What am i really feeling right | |
now? How do i feel hurt? Once you conjure these emotions, put your | |
hand on your heart and say "I see you." Say it as many times as you | |
need to. "I see you. I know you're hurting. I'm here for you." | |
Continue to comfort yourself in the meditation for several minutes. | |
When i've reacted to someone or said something that wasn't in line | |
with the elements of right speech, instead of getting stuck in the | |
shame cycle, making myself feel worse, i detach from my own judgment | |
by asking for forgiveness and forgiving myself. I close my eyes and | |
focus on what i have done to cause someone else harm. I see the pain | |
i've caused and i say, "Please forgive me for my reaction. I see | |
you're upset by my reaction. Please forgive me." Then i turn the | |
words on myself. I forgive you for your reaction. I forgive you for | |
your reaction... | |
Meditation to balance or re-balance communication: | |
Focus on vishudda (throat) chakra and using seed sound Hum. | |
author: Kane, Cynthia | |
detail: https://www.hierophantpublishing.com/how-to-communicate-like-a-buddhist… | |
ISBN: 978-1938289514 | |
tags: book,buddhist,non-fiction,self-help,spirit | |
title: How To Communicate Like A Buddhist | |
# Tags | |
book | |
buddhist | |
non-fiction | |
self-help | |
spirit |