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# 2018-11-01 - Emotional Agility by Susan David | |
# Chapter 1, Rigidity To Agility | |
> Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space | |
> is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our | |
> growth and freedom. --Viktor Frankl, Man's Search For Meaning | |
If there was ever a time to become more emotionally agile, it is now. | |
When the ground is constantly shifting under us, we need to be | |
nimble to keep from falling on our faces. | |
Emotional agility is a process that allows you to be in the moment, | |
changing or maintaining your behaviours so that you can live in ways | |
that align with your intentions and values. The process isn't about | |
ignoring difficult emotions and thoughts. It's about holding those | |
emotions and thoughts loosely, facing them courageously and | |
compassionately, and then moving past the, to make big things happen | |
in your life. | |
The process of gaining emotional agility unfolds in four essential | |
movements: | |
* Showing up. Facing into your thoughts, emotions, and behaviours | |
willingly, with curiosity and kindness. They are part of who we | |
are and we can learn to work with them and move on. | |
* Stepping out. Detach and observe thoughts and emotions for what | |
they are, creating an open, non-judgmental space between our | |
feelings and how we respond to them. We can also identify | |
difficult feelings as we're experiencing them and find more | |
appropriate ways of reacting. | |
* Walking your why. Focus more on core values, most important | |
goals... Take the long view. | |
* Moving on. Research supports an incremental improvement view of | |
self-help. | |
Tiny tweaks principle: Small, deliberate tweaks infused with your | |
values can make a huge difference in your life. Especially when we | |
tweak routine and habitual parts of life. | |
See saw principle: Find a balance between challenge and competence to | |
stay excited but not overwhelmed. | |
# Chapter 2, Hooked | |
People without a realistically consistent story, or a story | |
completely divorced from reality... may be labeled as 'psychotic'. | |
But while most of us may never hear voices or have delusions of | |
grandeur, in scripting our own stories we all take liberties with the | |
truth. Sometimes we don't even realize we're doing it. | |
When you automatically respond in whatever unhelpful way you do, | |
you're hooked. Getting yourself hooked begins when you accept | |
thoughts as facts. | |
[Bouba and Kiki effect | |
Kiki effect @Wikipedia | |
Angular gyrus @Wikipedia | |
] | |
The angular gyrus provides the capacity for sensory blending, weaving | |
together emotions and reasoning. It is an evolutionary adaptation of | |
our nervous system to quickly and automatically produce the fight or | |
flight reflex. | |
Humans love to create mental categories and then fit objects, | |
experiences, and even people into them. If something doesn't fit in | |
[any] category, it goes into the category of 'things that don't fit'. | |
https://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/premature_cognitive_commitments_limiting_on… | |
Heuristics = rules of thumb, snap judgements, quick and easy | |
categories, premature cognitive commitments | |
As with the tendency of our thoughts to blend with our emotions, the | |
tendency to fit what we see into boxes for easy sorting--and then to | |
make quick gut decisions about them--evolved for a reason. Life is | |
just a hell of a lot easier when you don't have to analyze every | |
choice. | |
The book Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman, describes the | |
human mind as operating in two basic modes of thought. | |
System 1: fast, automatic, effortless, associative, and implicit, | |
which means they are not immediately available for introspection. | |
They often carry a lot of emotional weight and are ruled by habit, | |
and as a result, are very good at getting us hooked. | |
System 2: slower, more deliberate. Requires much more effort and a | |
deeper level of attention. They are also more flexible and amenable | |
to rules that we consciously establish. It is these system 2 | |
operations that allow us to create the space between stimulus and | |
response, which provides for the full expression of our humanity, and | |
allows us to thrive. | |
Once our minds slip into default mode, it takes a great deal of | |
flexibility to override this state. This is why specialists are | |
often the last ones to notice common sense solutions to simple | |
problems... trained incapacity of experts. | |
People who are hooked into a particular way of thinking or behaving | |
are not really paying attention to the world as it is. Being | |
emotionally agile involves being sensitive to context and responding | |
to the world as it is right now. | |
Four most common hooks: | |
* Thought-blaming. Blaming your thoughts for your actions or | |
inactions. | |
* Monkey-mindedness. | |
* Old, outgrown ideas. Childhood trauma, emotional baggage, etc. | |
* Wrongheaded righteousness. Cutting off your nose to spite your | |
face. | |
Beginner's mind is a cornerstone of emotional agility. | |
# Chapter 3, Trying To Unhook | |
Short-term coping mechanisms that escalate in the long-term: | |
* Bottling up | |
* Brooding | |
... suppressed emotions inevitably surface in unintended ways, a | |
process that psychologists call emotional leakage. | |
In both cases we lose our ability to be fully engaged with the world | |
around us... openness and enthusiasm are replaced by rules, confining | |
stories from the past, and invidious judgments, and our ability to | |
solve problems and make decisions actually declines. | |
It's when these strategies are used as default coping methods, as | |
they often are, that they become counterproductive. | |
The unwritten rulebook about emotions contains what psychologists | |
call display rules. | |
Our so-called negative emotions encourage slower, more systematic | |
cognitive process. We rely less on quick conclusions and pay more | |
attention to subtle details that matter. | |
# Chapter 4, Showing Up | |
...we must face up to, make peace with, and find an honest and open | |
way to live with [our demons]. When we show up fully, with awareness | |
and acceptance, even the worst demons usually back down. | |
Showing up involves acknowledging our thoughts without ever having to | |
believe they are literally true. | |
Acceptance [of ourselves or our circumstances] is a prerequisite for | |
change. | |
Treating yourself with compassion is, in fact, at odds with deceiving | |
yourself. You can't have real self-compassion without first facing | |
the truth about who you are and what you feel. Compassion gives us | |
the freedom to redefine ourselves, as well as the all-important | |
freedom to fail, which contains within it the freedom to take the | |
risks that allow us to be truly creative. ... even when you're | |
dealing with the world as it really is, you have enormous leeway in | |
how you respond to it. | |
But to maintain this kind of equanimity, we do need some basic | |
emotional equipment, including a nuanced emotional vocabulary. An | |
infant screams because she can't express her unhappiness in any other | |
way... Unfortunately, many adults still don't use their words to | |
define and understand their experiences and the emotions surrounding | |
them. Without the subtle differentiation in meaning provided by | |
language, they're unable to make sense of their personal issues in a | |
way that might allow them to 'get a handle' on them. Merely finding | |
a label for emotions can be transformative, reducing hugely painful, | |
murky, and oceanic feelings of distress to a finite experience with | |
boundaries and a name. | |
Alexythemia isn't a clinical diagnosis... it carries very real costs. | |
Learning to label emotions with a more nuanced vocabulary can be | |
absolutely transformative. People who can identify the full spectrum | |
of emotion... do much, much better at managing the ups and downs of | |
ordinary existence than those who see everything in black and white. | |
If you confront your internal feelings and your external options, | |
while maintaining the distinction between the two, you'll have a much | |
better chance of having a good day, not to mention a meaningful life. | |
You'll make important decisions in light of the broadest possible | |
context. | |
# Chapter 5, Stepping Out | |
I read about an intervention [James] Pennebaker had conducted at a | |
Dallas computer company that laid off one hundred senior engineers. | |
Most of these were men over fifty who had worked at the company since | |
university. This was the only work life they knew, and getting | |
pushed out had left them panicked and confused. They faced the real | |
likelihood of never working in their field again. After four months, | |
not one of them had found a new job. | |
Pennebaker and his team wondered if writing about their experiences | |
could help the 'downsized' engineers. Eager to try anything that | |
might improve their employment prospects, the engineers agreed to | |
participate. Pennebaker had one group of engineers write about being | |
laid off. They delved into their feelings of humiliation, rejection, | |
and outrage; the related strains on their health, marriages, and | |
finances; and their deep worries about the future. The two control | |
groups either wrote about time management or didn't write at all. | |
Before the writing began, there were no differences between the | |
groups in terms of motivation or the effort they were making to land | |
a new job. But afterward, the degree of change between them was | |
astonishing. Just months after the emotionally charged writing | |
sessions, the men who had delved into how they truly felt were three | |
times more likely to have been re-employed than those in the control | |
groups. The writing not only helped the men process their | |
experiences; it also helped them step out from their despondent | |
inertia and into meaningful action. After many more studies, with | |
many thousands of participants--children and the elderly, students | |
and professionals, people who were healthy and people who were | |
ill--we can say with confidence that showing up and applying words to | |
emotions is a tremendously helpful way to deal with stress, anxiety, | |
and loss. ... Talking into a voice recorder can deliver the same | |
results as writing. | |
In fact, to live an intentional, meaningful life and to really | |
thrive, one of the most critical skills to develop is this ability to | |
take a meta-view--the view from above that broadens your perspective | |
and makes you sensitive to context. | |
Emotional agility means having any number of troubling thoughts or | |
emotions and still managing to act in a way that serves how you most | |
want to live. | |
Research shows that using the third person... is an effective | |
technique for distancing yourself from stress (or anxiety or | |
frustration or sadness) that can help you regulate your reactions. | |
[This resembles narration.] | |
Techniques for stepping out: | |
* Think process. Long-term path of continuous growth. | |
* Get contradictory. Zen paradoxes. | |
* Have a laugh. Humor forces you to see new possibilities. | |
* Change your point of view. Perspective taking. | |
* Call it out. I am having a thought that... I am having an | |
emotion that... | |
* Talk to yourself in the third person. Transcend egocentric | |
viewpoint. | |
# Chapter 6, Walking You Why | |
... the art of living by your own personal set of values--the beliefs | |
and behaviours you hold dear and give you a sense of meaning and | |
satisfaction. | |
It's just a lot faster and easier to follow what we see than it is to | |
work it out for ourselves. | |
social contagion | |
Making choices and negotiating relationships without a clear set of | |
governing values at the front of your mind is exhausting. | |
Continuity of self--consider distant future self as a person with | |
core beliefs that will remain stable, not an abstract stranger. | |
Characteristics of values: | |
* freely chosen | |
* not goals, ongoing not fixed | |
* guide rather than constrain | |
* active not static | |
* allow you to get closer to the way you want to live | |
* bring freedom from social compulsion | |
* foster self-acceptance | |
Above all, a value is something you can use. | |
Questions to start identifying values: | |
* Deep down what matters to me? | |
* What relationship do i want to build? | |
* What do i want my life to be about? | |
* What do i feel most of the time? What kind of situations make me | |
feel most vital? | |
* If a miracle occurred and all the anxiety and stress in my life | |
were suddenly gone, what would my life look like and what new | |
things would i pursue? | |
When you connect with your real self and what you believe to be | |
important, the gulf between how you feel and how you behave closes | |
up. You begin to live your life without as many regrets and without | |
as much second-guessing. | |
Values relate to quality not quantity of action... | |
social snacking | |
You give up the path not taken, and with any loss comes a certain | |
amount of pain, sorrow, and even regret. ... Even if your choice | |
turns out to be 'wrong', you can at least take comfort in knowing you | |
made the decision for the right reasons. | |
# Chapter 7, Moving On: The Tiny Tweaks Principle | |
Research observed 'bids for emotional connection' or efforts to reach | |
out between couples. Although they may have seemed inconsequential | |
on the surface, these teeny, tiny behaviours were the best predictors | |
of how well each couple would fare in the long term. In one | |
follow-up six years later, the couples in which either partner had | |
responded with intimacy to 3 out of 10 bids were already divorced, | |
while those who had responded with intimacy to 9 out of 10 bids were | |
still married. | |
In looking for the right places to make these tiny changes, there are | |
three broad areas of opportunity: | |
* beliefs / mindset | |
* motivations | |
* habits | |
Tweaking your mindset starts with questioning notions about yourself | |
and the world that may seem set in stone--and that might be working | |
against what matters to you--and then making the active choice to | |
turn yourself toward learning, experimentation, growth, and | |
change--one step at a time. | |
Engaging our autonomy--the power of 'want to' rather than 'have | |
to'--is the second prerequisite for tweaking your way to significant | |
change. | |
The only way we can really be sure the changes we make are lasting is | |
by taking the intentional behaviour we've consciously chosen and | |
turning it into a habit. | |
Tweaks to alter "choice architecture": | |
* Change your environment so that when you're hungry, tired, | |
stressed, or rushed, the choice most aligned with your values is | |
also the easiest. | |
* Add a new behaviour to an existing habit. | |
* Pre-commit: Anticipate obstacles and prepare for them with | |
if-then strategies. [create rulesets] | |
* The obstacle course: Offset a positive vision with thoughts of | |
potential challenges. mental contrasting: the combination of | |
optimism and realism produces better results than optimism alone. | |
[positive thinking is counter-productive] | |
# Chapter 8, Moving On: The See-Saw Principle | |
... living at the edge of our ability incrementally advancing | |
ourselves beyond the level of our competence and comfort. | |
In our relationships, creative lives, personal development, and work, | |
we can provide this advancement in two ways: expand our breadth as | |
well as our depth. | |
Perhaps the best term to describe living at the edge of our ability, | |
thriving and flourishing, being challenged but not overwhelmed, is | |
simply 'whelmed'. And a key part of being whelmed lies in being | |
selective in our commitments, which means taking on the challenges | |
that really speak to you and that emerge from an awareness of your | |
deepest values. | |
To keep growing, you need to be open to the unfamiliar, even the | |
uncomfortable, and leaning into your uncomfortable emotions allows | |
you to learn from them. | |
The ultimate litmus test for any action should be this: Is this going | |
to get me closer to being the person I want to be? | |
The workable choice is the one that's appropriate for whatever | |
short-term constraints you face, but also brings you closer to the | |
life you want to live over time. | |
# Chapter 9, Emotional Agility At Work | |
In one study, participants were asked to consider a male candidate | |
and a female candidate for the position of police chief. After they | |
heard about the background of the two potential hires, the study | |
subjects were asked whether they thought it was more important that | |
the successful candidate be streetwise or formally educated. Over | |
and over, the participants chose as more important whichever quality | |
had been ascribed to the male candidate. If the man up for the job | |
was said to be streetwise, the participants said that it was more | |
important for the police chief to be streetwise. If the male | |
candidate was said to be well educated, the participants went with | |
that. Not only did they consistently show this gender bias, but they | |
were also completely unaware that they had a gender bias. | |
Every job involves physical or intellectual work, or both. But every | |
job also involves emotional work--what psychologists call emotional | |
labour--the energy that goes into maintaining the public face | |
required in any job, and in fact in any human interaction. To some | |
degree, emotional labour is about what we call 'being polite,' or | |
'getting by'. We all do it, it's generally harmless, and it's more | |
socially savvy... At work, though, the more you fake your emotions, | |
or surface act, the worse off you're likely to be. Too great an | |
incongruity between how you really feel and how you pretend to be | |
becomes such a chore that it leads to lower mental health and burnout. | |
Tweaking your job, also known as job crafting, involves looking | |
creatively at your work circumstances and finding way to reconfigure | |
your situation to make it more engaging and fulfilling. The first | |
step is to pay attention to what activities--either at work or | |
outside your job--engage you the most. You can also change the | |
nature or extent of your interactions with other people. You can | |
also change how you see what you do. | |
# Chapter 10, Raising Emotionally Agile Children | |
To be truly happy, though, one must know simply how to 'be', and by | |
that I mean to be effectively with oneself--centred, kind, curious, | |
and not fragile--in a changing world. A child's sense of secure | |
attachment--this idea that "I, in all my glory, as well as all my | |
stinkiness and imperfection, am loved and accepted"--allows them not | |
only to take risks in the world, but also to take risks with their | |
own emotions. Knowing that they will not be invalidated, rejected, | |
punished, or shamed for feeling whatever they feel, they can test out | |
sadness, happiness, or anger and figure out how to manage or respond | |
to each of the emotions in turn. | |
# Chapter 11, Becoming Real | |
Emotional agility is the absence of pretence and perfection; it gives | |
your actions greater power because they emanate from your core values | |
and core strengths, something solid, genuine, and real. | |
author: David, Susan A. | |
detail: http://www.susandavid.com/ | |
LOC: BF335 .D38 | |
tags: book,non-fiction,self-help | |
title: Emotional Agility | |
# Tags | |
book | |
non-fiction | |
self-help |