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# 2018-10-01 - Transform Your Boundaries by Sarri Gilman | |
A friend recommended this book. It felt worth my while to read it. | |
# Chapter 2 | |
The boundaries that you need for your decisions - your | |
relationships... come from inside... you have to figure it out from | |
inside of you. | |
# Chapter 4 | |
Boundaries are made of Yes and No. Boundaries come from inside of | |
you. Before you can set boundaries in your life and with other | |
people, you need to be able to listen to this guidance from inside. | |
Learning to listen is a process and it requires constant attention to | |
stay aware of what is true for you. You can start by listening to | |
yourself once per day. This will start a brand new relationship with | |
yourself and it will take time to rebuild trust. | |
# Chapter 5 | |
The whole purpose of our boundaries is to take care of us. Otherwise | |
we will pay a high price. | |
In fact, when we do not have our boundaries in the right place, when | |
we do not allow our boundaries to take care of us, we often get to a | |
point of exhaustion, depletion, and feeling used and taken for | |
granted by others. | |
# Chapter 6 | |
It is normal to find self-care confusing and even impossible. It | |
takes a great amount of reflection, listening to our inner voice, and | |
learning about things that are nourishing to our mind, body, and | |
spirit. Some are specific to you. Others are good for everyone. | |
You need to watch, and observe yourself. Study yourself to recognize | |
what makes you feel good, what makes you feel great, what gives you | |
peace. Many more opportunities to improve your self-care are ahead | |
for you and for the first time in your life, you will recognize these | |
opportunities and you will dare to take them. Each time you do, you | |
will expand your self-care and you will feel better and better and | |
better. | |
Each person needs to create a daily self-care plan. This plan will | |
change as you get to know yourself better... you write out an actual | |
plan that you follow, the same way you follow other commitments you | |
put on your calendar. [Otherwise] it becomes harder to do. | |
# Chapter 7 | |
Our bodies give us signals and symptoms when we ignore our self-care. | |
Resisting or ignoring our body signals has consequences for us. We | |
can become robotic about our tasks, our things we must do, and forget | |
about how we are feeling. Noticing numbness is a good way to tell | |
that we need to stop what we are doing, and do self-care. | |
Sometimes taking the steps to make a boundary happen can make us | |
afraid. It may mean other people may not get everything they want or | |
need or expect from us. | |
# Chapter 8 | |
Establishing true self-care is required to do any boundary work in | |
your life. Self-care is a relationship with your soul. This is a | |
significant and sacred commitment, to listen to your self... Trust | |
between our own souls and ourselves is earned by our actions. We | |
have a hard time setting boundaries when we don't have a connection | |
to our own self. This connection to the self is necessary. | |
# Chapter 9 | |
Do not look for the finish line with boundary work. It is about | |
staying present and healthy and focused on recognizing when you need | |
to set a boundary. | |
We have tendencies that we are drawn toward... our "first response" | |
doesn't ever fully extinguish. Learning to ignore the "first | |
response" will give more options when confronting problems. The | |
problems, the challenges to our boundaries will never go away. We | |
will simply be armed with a better way to respond that allows us to | |
take care of ourselves. | |
# Chapter 10 | |
Our internal sense of Yes and No doesn't come with a plan. We have | |
to figure it out. | |
# Chapter 11 | |
There is some risk involved in boundary work. Unbearable emotions | |
are part of it. This emotional distress is a signal that you are | |
doing something right. Yes and No are not emotions. Boundaries are | |
not emotions. Getting comfortable with the uncomfortable emotional | |
mess is critical to doing boundary work. | |
# Chapter 12 | |
You are the only one who can give yourself permission to truly listen | |
to your Yes and No. The approval is never going to come externally | |
from other people. | |
We harshly dismiss our needs as unreasonable, too expensive, not | |
enough time, ridiculous, and selfish. | |
We take care of our emotions. Our boundaries take care of us. | |
# Chapter 13 | |
You don't have control over how strong or how high you need to make | |
your boundary fence. Other people show you how high and how strong | |
they need it to be in order for them to recognize your boundary. | |
# Chapter 14 | |
Things go better when you expect other people to struggle with your | |
boundary. | |
Usually when we sit down with people and discuss our boundary, we | |
learn interesting things about what other people are expecting or not | |
expecting. You can't fulfill everyone's expectations. | |
# Chapter 15 | |
Part of setting a boundary is holding that boundary when pushed. | |
Addicts, alcoholics, people with mental health conditions, powerful | |
people, authoritative people, or wealthy people can be "extreme | |
challengers." These are pathological cases, different from setting | |
boundaries with all other people. They [extreme challengers] need to | |
hear your boundaries more often. Prepare to repeat yourself. | |
[In my circles i often hear of emotional vampires and toxic people. | |
I feel strong resistance to the very idea of demonizing people. | |
Perhaps a kernel of truth is addressed by the term "extreme | |
challengers." This behavior could be viewed as simply a learned | |
strategy to get needs met, one that has definite rewards and | |
drawbacks.] | |
# Chapter 16 | |
The three basic skills to set boundaries are: | |
* Self awareness (Know your own Yes and No) | |
* Boundary awareness (Decide your boundary) | |
* Emotional awareness (Experience your feelings but don't move your | |
boundary because of them) | |
In an extreme challenge, we use three additional skills: | |
* Define your responsibilities. A therapist can help. | |
* Time boundaries, AKA time management | |
* Define your access boundaries. | |
# Chapter 17 | |
An extreme boundary challenger will basically take everything you | |
have and suck you dry. | |
Do not ever ignore your own resentment. It is the healthy part of | |
you trying to get you to pay attention and act differently. | |
Resentment is not about them; it is about you. Resentment is an | |
indication that you are not taking care of you[rself]. | |
# Chapter 18 | |
Trauma and stress will weaken your boundaries. Expect this and limit | |
your exposure to challenges during stressful times. | |
# Chapter 19 | |
Extreme challenges can't always be prevented or avoided. The first | |
thing we need to do is ask lots of questions about whether or not we | |
are outside of our boundary of responsibility. We are vulnerable to | |
depression when we are not caring for ourselves. Self-care is a | |
large territory and it can be many things. If you are not sure how | |
to cope with all the feelings that rise up inside, talking with a | |
therapist can be helpful. When you really begin to dig your self out | |
and establish a real connection with yourself, it doesn't always feel | |
good. | |
author: Gilman, Sarri | |
detail: https://www.sarrigilman.com/ | |
tags: book,non-fiction,self-help | |
title: Transform Your Boundaries | |
# Tags | |
book | |
non-fiction | |
self-help |