View source | |
# 2018-07-05 - Focusing by Eugene Gendlin | |
Tightrope Walk | |
I found this book fascinating because it has so many connections to | |
other recent interests such as Inner Dialogue and NVC. Focusing came | |
out of the Human Potential Movement. | |
Human Potential Movement @Wikipedia | |
My notes are longer than usual because i have included four related | |
sections at the bottom: | |
* FOCUSING MANUAL | |
* FOCUSING HANDOUT | |
* LISTENING MANUAL | |
# Introduction | |
Of course they [normal people] are not "therapists" or "doctors" or | |
"authorities" with each other, but the authority aspect of the | |
medical doctor never has really fitted the human process of personal | |
change at all. Human problems are by their very nature such that we | |
are each inherently in charge of ourselves. No authority can resolve | |
our problems or tell us how to live. Therefore I and others have | |
been teaching more and more people to help themselves and each other. | |
... | |
At the University of Chicago and elsewhere in the past fifteen years, | |
a group of colleagues and I have been studying some questions that | |
most psychotherapists don't like to ask out loud. Why doesn't | |
therapy succeed more often? Why does it so often fail to make a real | |
difference in people's lives? In the rarer cases when it does | |
succeed, what is it that those patients and therapists do? What is | |
it that the majority fail to do? | |
Seeking answers, we studied many forms of therapy from classical | |
approaches to recent ones. We analysed literally thousands of | |
therapist-patient sessions recorded on tape. Our series of studies | |
has led to several findings, some very different from what we and | |
most other professional therapists expected. | |
First, we found that the successful patient--the one who shows real | |
and tangible change on psychological tests and in life--can be picked | |
out fairly easily from recorded therapy sessions. What these rare | |
patients do in their therapy hours is different from the others. The | |
difference is so easy to spot that, once we had defined it, we were | |
able to explain it to inexperienced young undergraduates, and they | |
too were able to sort out the successful patients from the others. | |
What is this crucial difference? We found that it is not the | |
therapist's technique--differences in methods of therapy seem to mean | |
surprisingly little. Nor does the difference lie in what the | |
patients talk about. The difference is in how they talk. And that | |
is only an outward sign of the real difference: what the successful | |
patients do inside themselves. | |
Equality of outcome | |
# Chapter 1, The Inner Act | |
Of course they [normal people] are not "therapists" or "doctors" or | |
"authorities" with each other, but the authority aspect of the | |
medical doctor never has really fitted the human process of personal | |
change at all. Human problems are by their very nature such that we | |
are each inherently in charge of ourselves. No authority can resolve | |
our problems or tell us how to live. Therefore I and others have | |
been teaching more and more people to help themselves and each other. | |
This book will let you experience and recognize when actual change is | |
happening in you, and when it's not. | |
Another major discovery is that the process of actually changing | |
feels good. Effective working on one's problems is not self-torture. | |
Some learn this inner way fairly fast, while others need weeks or | |
months of patient inner listening and tinkering. | |
# Chapter 2, Change | |
Focusing is a process in which you make contact with a special kind | |
of internal bodily awareness. I call this awareness a felt sense. A | |
felt sense takes time to form and come into focus. It is not an | |
emotion. It is the body's sense of a part, problem, or situation. | |
One effect of the focusing process is to bring hidden bits of | |
personal knowledge up to the level of conscious awareness. This | |
isn't the most important effect. The body shift, the change in a | |
felt sense, is the heart of the process. But the bringing up of | |
bodily sensed knowledge--the transfer of this knowledge, in effect, | |
from body to mind--is something that every focuser experiences. | |
Often this transformed knowledge seems to be part of a tough problem, | |
and it might be expected that this would make you feel worse. After | |
all, you now know something bad that you didn't know before. | |
Logically, you should feel worse. Yet you don't. You feel better. | |
You feel better mainly because your body feels better, more free, | |
released. The whole body is alive in a less constricted way. You | |
have localized a problem that had previously made your whole body | |
feel bad. An immediate freeing feeling lets you know there is a body | |
shift. It is the body having moved toward a solution. | |
There is also another reason. No matter how frightening or | |
intractable a problem looks when it first comes to light, a focuser | |
becomes used to the fact that at the very next shift it may be quite | |
different. Nothing that feels bad is ever the last step. | |
Just [only] getting in touch with one's feelings often brings no | |
change, just the same feeling over and over. One must let a larger, | |
wider, unclear felt sense form. | |
George was analyzing now--in effect creating an intellectual | |
rationalization to explain what his body had already solved. The | |
analysis wasn't necessary. But intellectuals like to figure things | |
out, and done _in retrospect_, that's alright. What was important | |
was that his body took its own steps first. Before these steps, his | |
analysis wasn't effective. | |
# Chapter 3, What The Body Knows | |
The stories in the previous chapter illustrate the two main | |
discoveries on which this book is based. First, there is a kind of | |
bodily awareness that profoundly influences our lives and that can | |
help us reach personal goals. A felt sense. Second, that a felt | |
sense will shift if you approach it in the right way. It will change | |
even as you are making contact with it. When your felt sense of a | |
situation changes, _you change_--and, therefore, so does your life. | |
A felt sense is not a mental experience but a physical one. | |
There are no words in the language to describe the felt sense and its | |
physical shifts! Therefore, I must give a name to that feeling of | |
coming unstuck inside. I call it the _body shift_. I call it body | |
shift mainly to suggest that it doesn't happen in the mind. It is | |
always, in some way, a physical sensation. | |
# Chapter 4, The Focusing Manual | |
The inner act of focusing can be broken down into six main subacts or | |
movements. As you gain more practice, you won't need to think of | |
these as six separate parts of the process. To think of them as | |
separate movements makes the process seem more mechanical than it | |
is--or will be, for you, later. I have sub-divided the process in | |
this way because I've learned from years of experimenting that this | |
is an effective way to teach focusing to people who have never tried | |
it before. | |
[See also the section at the bottom titled FOCUSING MANUAL.] | |
# Chapter 5, The Six Focusing Movements and What They Mean | |
## Preparation: | |
Try to find a time and place to sit quietly for a while. Try to find | |
a sense of general physical comfort, if not total well-being. If | |
small physical irritations are plaguing you, they will obscure other | |
things your body is trying to tell you. [Do what you need to do to | |
make yourself comfortable.] | |
## First movement: Clearing a Space | |
Do not try to list every problem you can think of, but only what has | |
you tense now. Keep going until you feel a small increase of | |
well-bring in you and hear something say, "Yes, except for those I'm | |
fine." | |
## Second movement: Felt Sense of the Problem | |
Ask which problem feels worst right now. Somehow you must get down | |
past all that intellectual noise to the felt sense underneath. Be | |
patient and keep sensing until you feel the single great aura that | |
encloses all of it. Once you have the feel of the whole problem, | |
stay with it for a while. Just let it be, and be felt. | |
## Third movement: Finding a Handle | |
Find a word, phrase, or picture that is the core or crux of the felt | |
sense. When it's right, we call it a "handle." As you say the words | |
(or as you picture the image), the whole felt sense stirs just | |
slightly and eases a little. | |
## Fourth movement: Resonating a Handle and Felt Sense | |
Spend a minute checking the handle against the felt sense. The sense | |
of rightness is not only a check of the handle. It is your body just | |
now changing. As long as it is still changing, releasing, | |
processing, moving, let it do that. Give it the minute or two that | |
it needs to get all it wants to have at this point. Don't rush on. | |
## Fifth movement: Asking | |
... usually a well-fitting handle gives you a tiny bit of a shift, | |
just enough to know it is quite right. You use the handle to make | |
the felt sense vividly present again and again. Now you can ask _it_ | |
what it is. | |
The [merely] mental answers come very fast, and they are rapid trains | |
of thought. The mind rushes in and leaves no space for you to | |
contact the felt sense directly. You can let all that go by, and | |
then recontact the felt sense using the handle again. [Keep asking.] | |
Asking a felt sense is very much like asking another person a | |
question. You ask the question, and then you wait. | |
* What is the worst of this? | |
* What does the felt sense need? | |
Focusing is not work. It is a friendly time within your body. [You | |
may not succeed instantly.] Approach the problem freshly later, or | |
tomorrow. | |
## Sixth movement: Receiving | |
Whatever comes in focusing, welcome it. Take the attitude that you | |
are glad your body spoke to you, whatever it said. You need not | |
believe, agree with, or do what the felt sense just now says. You | |
need only receive it. | |
Sense if your body wants to stop focusing or to continue. There may | |
be many cycles [rounds of focusing] before a given problem feels | |
resolved. It often isn't possible to deal fully with a given problem | |
in one focusing session. The process may take many months. | |
Like any other skill it requires practice. Also, it requires you to | |
overcome certain deeply ingrained habits... | |
# Chapter 6, What Focusing Is Not | |
* Focusing is not a process of talking at oneself. [It is more | |
like listening.] | |
* Focusing is not an analytical process. | |
* Focusing is not a mere body sensation. | |
* Focusing is not just getting in touch with gut feelings. | |
# Chapter 7, Clearing A Space For Yourself | |
In seeking this first-movement state of tranquility, you will find it | |
helps to trust your body. Your body always tends in the direction of | |
feeling better. Your body is a complex, life-maintaining system. | |
Every bad feeling is potential energy toward a more right way of | |
being if you give it space to move toward its rightness. The body's | |
holistic sensing of what is [life-affirming] indicates much more than | |
a thought or emotion can. All the values we try to formulate are | |
relative to the living process in us and should be measured against | |
it. Under all the packages each of us carries, a different self can | |
be discovered. | |
If you are like most, you have treated yourself less like a friend | |
than like a roommate you don't like. Society mostly gives you the | |
same unfriendly hearing you probably give yourself. I am not | |
suggesting that you can be self-accepting and self-loving just by | |
reading these pages. Rather, it is an attitude you can take for this | |
special time of focusing. | |
# Chapter 8, If You Can't Find A Felt Sense | |
A felt sense is made of many interwoven strands like a carpet. But | |
it is felt as one. | |
Only rarely, in very formal occasions, do we prepare word for word. | |
Usually, when we are about to say something, we have the felt sense | |
of what we want to put across, and the right words come as we speak. | |
The felt sense includes dozens of component parts, perhaps | |
hundreds... but there are not yet any specific words. | |
Focusing is very much like that. One must go to that place where | |
there are not words but only feeling. At first there may be nothing | |
there until a felt sense forms. When it forms, it feels pregnant. | |
The felt sense has in it a meaning you can feel, but usually it is | |
not immediately open. Usually you will have to stay with a felt | |
sense for some seconds before it opens. The forming and then the | |
opening of a felt sense, usually takes about thirty seconds, and it | |
may take you three or four minutes, counting distractions, to give it | |
the thirty seconds of attention it needs. | |
Practice in getting a felt sense: | |
* Silently, to yourself, pick something you love or think is | |
beautiful. It could be an object, a pet, a place, or whatever. | |
Something very special to you in some way. Take from one to two | |
minutes. | |
* Settle on something. Ask yourself "Why do I love _____, or why | |
do I think it's beautiful?" | |
* Let yourself feel the whole specialness or loving. See if you | |
can find one or two words that get at what it is. | |
* Let yourself feel what those words refer to, to the whole felt | |
sense, and see if new words and feelings come up. | |
This exercise is to help you get experience attending to a felt | |
sense, something large and definitely felt, but that you are not able | |
to verbalize. Notice how little of your love-feeling the words | |
actually say. Yet the words are somehow right in relation to the | |
felt sense (if you succeed in finding such words). | |
Strange as it sounds, focusing is lighter than heavy emotions. | |
Sometimes heavy emotions to come in focusing, but a felt sense is | |
always easier on the body than emotions. | |
Focusing takes a few minutes, 10, 15, let's say even half an hour. | |
But not more. Then it's time to talk, rest, do something else. Do | |
not grind away at things. You will return later. Meanwhile, the | |
body will process it. | |
# Chapter 9, If You Can't Make Anything Shift | |
In the spectrum of peoples attitudes towards their feelings, there | |
are two opposite extremes that don't often produce useful results. | |
One is the attitude of strict control. The other extreme is that of | |
never wanting to direct or control feelings. Either extreme can | |
prevent you from getting a body shift. Focusing is a deliberate, | |
controlled process up to a certain point, and then there is an | |
equally deliberate relaxation of control, a letting go, a dropping of | |
the reins. | |
The very word "focusing" suggests that you are trying to make sharp | |
what is at first vague. Once you have made contact with a felt sense | |
clearly and strongly, you drop the reins. | |
When you have made contact with a felt sense but can't make it move, | |
the problem may be only that you haven't asked yourself the right | |
open-ended question. Sometimes feelings will respond to a question | |
that is phrased in a certain way, but not to virtually the same | |
question phrased another way. Thus it may help you to experiment | |
with various phrasings until you find one(s) that work for you. | |
Listed below are the triggering questions that seem to work most | |
often in most people. | |
* What is the crux of this? | |
* What is the worst of it? | |
* What are the two or three things about it that trouble me the | |
most? | |
* What is the center of it? | |
* What is doing it? | |
* What needs to happen for me with this? | |
* What would it take to feel better? | |
* What would it feel like, in my body, if this difficulty somehow | |
got completely resolved? | |
Make it [the stuck felt sense] a "place" you can leave and come back | |
to. A painful place may not shift immediately. You may have to | |
check in with its felt edge, a number of times during the rest of the | |
day, and perhaps for several days. Eventually you will find a step | |
or a shift there. | |
# Chapter 10, Finding Richness In Others | |
We find that if listening and if focusing are shared, people can come | |
to know each other more deeply in a few hours than most do in years. | |
Authentic seeing and knowing each other comes with focusing and | |
listening; inward experience opens up to ourselves. | |
Most people live without expressing their inner richness. Much of | |
what people do is canned routines, "roles." Sometimes they are alive | |
in their roles, but more often not. Most people have to keep | |
themselves down, put themselves away, hold their breath till later. | |
For many people there isn't much of a "later" either--and their inner | |
selves become silent and almost disappear. They wonder if, inside, | |
there is anything to them. | |
A surprising fact: Focusing is easier with another person present, | |
even though the focuser and listener say nothing at all. | |
# Chapter 11, The Listening Manual | |
* Helping another person focus while talking. | |
* Absolute listening [AKA reflective listening]. The method of | |
"saying back" was discovered by Carl Rogers and training in its use | |
is available in P.E.T. by Thomas Gordon. | |
* Helping a felt sense form [AKA active listening]. | |
* Using your own feelings and reactions about the other person. | |
* Interaction | |
* Interacting in a group | |
[See also the section at the bottom titled LISTENING MANUAL] | |
# Chapter 12, New Relationships | |
Focusing can help free stuck relationships [and help reduce wasted | |
energy]. | |
If you want to meet someone more personally (in a way that is more | |
alive and authentic) with continuing social structure, one answer is | |
a "Changes" group. Changes was started by Kristin Glaser. It is a | |
place you can go when you need to focus and need someone to listen to | |
you. | |
Self-help skill training is essential for such a network, and | |
Focusing and listening involve specific steps in which anyone can be | |
trained. | |
# Chapter 13, Experience Beyond Roles | |
Human experience, we now understand, does not really consist of | |
pieces or contents that have a static shape. As one senses the | |
exact, finely complex shape at a given moment, it also changes this | |
very sensing. A person's experience cannot be _figured out_ by | |
others, or even by the person [who is] experiencing it. It cannot be | |
expressed in common labels. It has to be met, found, felt, attended | |
to, and allowed to show itself. No, a person's experience is not a | |
pattern. It might seem to fit a pattern just now, but moments later | |
it will fit another or none. In any case, the seeming fit will never | |
be exact, for experience is richer than patterns. Moreover, it is | |
changing. It is a new step in human development when people can not | |
only get in touch with their feelings but then also move through | |
steps of unfolding and change. We are moving beyond conformity | |
patterns. Focusing replaces those [traditional] patterns with a way | |
of making new patterns. | |
# FOCUSING MANUAL | |
## 1. Clearing a space | |
What I will ask you to do will be silent, just to yourself. Take a | |
moment just to relax... All right--now, inside you, I would like you | |
to pay attention inwardly, in your body, perhaps in your stomach or | |
chest. Now see what comes there when you ask, "How is my life going? | |
What is the main thing for me right now?" Sense within your body. | |
Let the answers come slowly from this sensing. When some concern | |
comes, DO NOT GO INSIDE IT. Stand back, say "Yes, that's there. I | |
can feel that, there." Let there be a little space between you and | |
that. Then ask what else you feel. Wait again, and sense. Usually | |
there are several things. | |
## 2. Felt sense | |
From among what came, select one personal problem to focus on. DO | |
NOT GO INSIDE IT. Stand back from it. | |
Of course, there are many parts to that one thing you are thinking | |
about--too many things to think of each one alone. But you can | |
*feel* all of these things together. Pay attention there where you | |
usually feel things, and in there you can get a sense of what *all of | |
the problem* feels like. Let yourself feel the unclear sense of *all | |
of that*. | |
## 3. Handle | |
What is the quality of this unclear felt sense? Let a word, a | |
phrase, or an image come up from the felt sense itself. It might be | |
a quality-word, like *tight*, *sticky*, *scary*, *stuck*, *heavy*, | |
*jumpy*, or a phrase, or an image. Stay with the quality of the felt | |
sense till something fits it just right. | |
## 4. Resonating | |
Go back and forth between the felt sense and the word (phrase, or | |
image). Check how they resonate with each other. See if there is a | |
little bodily signal that lets you know there is a fit. To do it, | |
you have to have the felt sense there again, as well as the word. | |
Let the felt sense change, if it does, and also the word or picture, | |
until they feel just right in capturing the quality of the felt sense. | |
## 5. Asking | |
Now ask: What is it, about this whole problem, that makes this | |
quality (which you have just named or pictured)? | |
Make sure the quality is sensed again, freshly, vividly (not just | |
remembered from before). When it is here again, tap it, touch it, be | |
with it, asking "What makes the whole problem so _____?" Or you ask | |
"What is in *this* sense?" | |
If you get a quick answer without a shift in the felt sense, just let | |
that kind of answer go by. Return your attention to your body and | |
freshly find the felt sense again. Then ask it again. | |
Be with the felt sense till something comes along with a shift, a | |
slight "give" or release. | |
## 6. Receiving | |
Receive whatever comes with a shift in a friendly way. Stay with it | |
a while, even if it is only a slight release. Whatever comes, this | |
is only one shift; there will be others. You will probably continue | |
after a little while, but stay here for a few moments. | |
IF DURING THESE INSTRUCTIONS SOMEWHERE YOU HAVE SPENT A LITTLE WHILE | |
SENSING AND TOUCHING AN UNCLEAR HOLISTIC BODY SENSE OF THIS PROBLEM, | |
THEN YOU HAVE FOCUSED. It doesn't matter whether the body-shift came | |
or not. It comes on its own. We don't control that. | |
# FOCUSING HANDOUT | |
## 1. Clear a space | |
How are you? What's between you and feeling fine? Don't answer; let | |
what comes in your body do the answering. Don't go into anything. | |
Greet each concern that comes. Put each aside for awhile, next to | |
you. Except for that, are you fine? | |
## 2. Felt sense | |
Pick one problem to focus on. Don't go into the problem. What do | |
you sense in your body when you recall the whole of that problem? | |
Sense all of that, the sense of the whole thing, the murky discomfort | |
or the unclear body-sense of it. | |
## 3. Get a handle | |
What is the quality of the felt sense? What one word, phrase, or | |
image comes out of this felt sense? What quality-word would fit | |
better? | |
## 4. Resonate | |
Go back and forth between word (or image) and the felt sense. Is | |
that right? If they match, have the sensation of matching several | |
times. If the felt sense changes, follow it with your attention. | |
When you get a perfect match, the words (images) being just right for | |
this feeling, let yourself feel that for a minute. | |
## 5. Ask | |
"What is it, about the whole problem, that makes me so _____?" | |
When stuck, ask questions: | |
* What is the worst of this feeling? | |
* What's really so bad about this? | |
* What does it need? | |
* What should happen? | |
Don't answer; wait for the feeling to stir and give you an answer. | |
What would it feel like if it was all OK? | |
Let the body answer: | |
What is in the way of that? | |
## 6. Receive | |
Welcome what came. Be glad it spoke. It is only one step on this | |
problem, not the last. Now that you know where it is, you can leave | |
it and come back to it later. Protect it from critical voices that | |
interrupt. | |
Does your body want another round of focusing, or is this a good | |
stopping place? | |
# LISTENING MANUAL | |
Four kinds of helping are discussed here, used at different times for | |
different purposes. Be sure to become competent with the first before | |
you try the others. Once you learn them and they become part of your | |
way of dealing with people, you will find yourself using each of them | |
in situations that are appropriate to each. | |
# The first kind of helping: helping another person focus while | |
# talking | |
## A. Absolute listening | |
If you set aside a period of time when you only listen, and indicate | |
only whether you follow or not, you will discover a surprising fact. | |
People can tell you much more and also find more inside themselves, | |
than can ever happen in ordinary interchanges. | |
If you use only expressions such as "yes," or "I see," or "oh yes, I | |
can sure see how you feel," or "I lost you, can you say that again, | |
please?" You will see a deep process unfold. | |
In ordinary social interchange we nearly always stop each other from | |
getting very far inside. Our advice, reactions, encouragement's, | |
reassurances, and well-intentioned comments actually prevent people | |
from feeling understood. Try following someone carefully without | |
putting anything of your own in. You will be amazed. Give the speaker | |
a truthful sense of when you follow, and when not. Immediately you | |
will be a good listener. But you must be truthful and indicate when | |
you fail to follow. ("Can you say that another way? I didn't get it") | |
However, it helps much more if you the listener will say back the | |
other person's points, step by step, as you understand them. I call | |
that absolute listening. | |
Never introduce topics that the other person didn't express. Never | |
push your own interpretations. Never mix in your own ideas. | |
There are only two reasons for speaking while listening: to show that | |
you understand exactly by saying back what the other person has said | |
or meant, or to ask for repetition or clarification. | |
## To show that you understand exactly | |
Make a sentence or two that gets at the personal meaning this person | |
wanted to put across. This will usually be in your own words, but use | |
that person's own words for the touchy main things. | |
People need to hear you speak. They need to hear that you got each | |
step. Make a sentence or two for every main point they make, for each | |
thing they are trying to get across. (Usually, this will be for about | |
every five or ten sentences of theirs.) Don't just "let them talk," | |
but relate to each thing that they feel, whether it's good or bad. | |
Don't try to fix or change or improve it. Try to get the crux of it | |
exactly the way they mean it and feel it. | |
Sometimes what people say is complicated. You can't get what they | |
say, nor what it means to them, all at once. First, make a sentence | |
or two about the crux of what they said. Check that out with them. | |
Let them correct it and add to it if they want to. Take in, and say | |
back, what they have changed or added, until they agree that you have | |
it just as they feel it. Then make another sentence to say what it | |
means to them, or how they feel it. | |
Example: suppose a woman has been telling you about some intricate | |
set of events, what some people did to her and how and when, to "put | |
her down." | |
First, you would say one or more sentences to state in words the crux | |
of what she said as she sees it. Then she corrects some of how you | |
said it, to get it more exactly. You then say back her corrections: | |
"Oh, so it wasn't that they all did that, but all of them agreed to | |
it." Then she might add a few more things, which you again take in | |
and say back more or less as she said them. Then, when you have it | |
just right, you make another sentence for the personal meaning or | |
feeling that whole thing has: "And what's really bad about it is that | |
it's made you feel put down." | |
If you don't understand what the person is saying, or you get mixed | |
up or lost There is a way to ask for repetition or clarification. | |
Don't say, "I didn't understand any of it." Rather, take whatever | |
bits you did understand, even if it was very vague, or only the | |
beginning, and use it to ask for more: | |
"I do get that this is important to you, but I don't get what it is | |
yet..." | |
Don't say a lot of things you aren't sure the person meant. The | |
person will have to waste lots of time explaining to you why what you | |
said doesn't fit. Instead, just say what you are sure you heard and | |
ask them to repeat the rest. | |
Say back bit by bit what the person tells you. Don't let the person | |
say more than you can take in and say back. Interrupt, say back, and | |
let the person go on. | |
How you know when you are doing it right You know this when people | |
go further into their problems. For example, the person may say, "No, | |
it's not like that, it's more like--uh--" and then may feel further | |
into it to see how it actually feels. You have done it right. Your | |
words may have been wrong, or may now sound wrong to the person even | |
though they were very close to what the person said a moment before. | |
But what matters is that your words led the person to feel further | |
into the problem so your words had the right result. Whatever the | |
person then says, take that in and say it back. It's a step further. | |
Or the person may sit silently, satisfied that you get everything up | |
to now. | |
Or the person may show you a release, a relaxing, a whole-bodied | |
"Yes, that's what it is," a deep breath, a sigh. Such moments occur | |
now and then, and after them new or further steps come. | |
You may also tell that it is going right by more subtle signs of the | |
relaxation that comes from being heard well -the feeling we all get | |
when we have been trying to say something and have finally put it | |
across: the feeling that we don't have to say that any more. While a | |
person is laying out an idea, or part of one, there is a tension, a | |
holding of breath, which may remain for several interchanges. When | |
the crux is finally both said and exactly understood and responded | |
to, there is relaxation, like an exhaling of breath. The person | |
doesn't have to hold the thing in the body any more. Then something | |
further can come in. (It's important to accept the silence that can | |
come here for what seems like a long time, even a minute or so. The | |
focuser now has the inner body peace to let another thing come up. | |
Don't destroy the peace by speaking needlessly.) | |
## How you know when you did it wrong, and what to do about that | |
If nearly the same thing is said over again, it means the person feels | |
you haven't got it yet. See how the focuser's words differ from what | |
you said. If nothing feels different, then say it again and add to it | |
"But that's not all, or that's not right, in some way?" | |
As you respond, the focuser's face may get tight, tense, confused. | |
This shows that the focuser is trying to understand what you are | |
saying. So you must be doing it wrong, adding something or not | |
getting it. Stop and ask the person again to say how it is. | |
If the focuser changes the subject (especially to something less | |
meaningful or less personal), it means he or she gave up on getting | |
the more personal thing across right. You can interrupt and say | |
something like, "I'm still with what you were just trying to say | |
about... I know I didn't understand it right, but I want to." Then | |
say only the part of it you're sure of, and ask the person to go on | |
from there. | |
You will get it right sooner or later. It doesn't matter when. It can | |
be the third or fourth try. People can get further into their | |
feelings best when another person is receiving or trying to receive | |
each bit exactly as they have it, without additions or elaborations. | |
There is a centeredness that is easy to recognise after a while. Like | |
a train on a track. It's easy to know when you're off. Everything | |
stops. If that happens, go back to the last point that was on a solid | |
track inside, and ask the person to go on from there. | |
If you find it hard to accept someone with unlovely qualities, think | |
of the person as being up against these qualities inside. It is | |
usually easy to accept the person inside who is struggling against | |
these very qualities. As you listen, you will then discover that | |
person. | |
When you first practice listening, be sure to repeat almost word for | |
word what people say. This helps you see how hard it is to get what a | |
person is trying to say without adding to it, fixing it, putting | |
yourself into it. | |
When you are able to do that, then feed back only the crux, the point | |
being made, and the feeling words. | |
To make it easier, stop for a second and sense your own tangle of | |
feelings, tensions, and expectations. Then clear this space. Out of | |
this open space you can listen. You will feel alert and probably | |
slightly excited. What will the other person say into this waiting | |
space that exists for nothing except to be spoken into? | |
Very rarely is anyone offered such a space by another person. People | |
hardly ever move over in themselves enough to really hear another. | |
## B. Helping a felt sense form | |
It is possible for a person to focus a little between one | |
communication and the next. Having made a point, and being | |
understood, the person can focus before saying the next thing. | |
Most people don't do that. They run on from point to point, only | |
talking. | |
How can you help people stop, and get the felt sense of what they | |
have just said? | |
This is the second focusing movement. Finding the felt sense is like | |
saying to oneself, "That, right there, that's what's confused," and | |
then feeling it there. | |
The focuser must keep quiet, not only outwardly but also inside, so | |
that a felt sense can form. It takes as long as a minute. | |
Some people talk all the time, either out loud or at themselves | |
inside. Then nothing directly felt can form, and everything stays a | |
painful mass of confusion and tightness. | |
When a felt sense forms, the focuser feels relief. It's as if all the | |
bad feeling goes into one spot, right there, and the rest of the body | |
feels freer. | |
Once a felt sense forms, people can relate to it. They can wonder | |
what's in it, can feel around it and into it. | |
## When to help people let a felt sense form | |
When people have said all that they can say clearly, and from there | |
on it is confusing, or a tight unresolved mess, and they don't know | |
how to go on. | |
When there is a certain spot that you sense could be gone into | |
further. | |
When people talk round and round a subject and never go down into | |
their feelings of it. They may start to say things that are obviously | |
personal and meaningful, but then go on to something else. They tell | |
you nothing meaningful, but seem to want to. In this very common | |
situation, you can interrupt the focuser and gently point out the way | |
into deeper levels of feeling. | |
FOCUSER: "I've been doing nothing but taking care of Karen since | |
she's back from the hospital. I haven't been with me at all. And when | |
I do get time now, I just want to run out and do another chore." | |
LISTENER: "You haven't been able to be with yourself for so long, and | |
even when you can now, you don't." | |
FOCUSER: "She needs this and she needs that and no matter what I do | |
for her it isn't enough. All her family are like that. It makes me | |
angry. Her father was like that, too, when he was sick, which went on | |
for years. They're always negative and grumpy and down on each other." | |
LISTENER: "It makes you angry the way she is, the way they are." | |
FOCUSER: "Yes. I'm angry. Darn right. It's a poor climate. Living in | |
a poor climate. Always gray. Always down on something. The other day, | |
when I -" | |
LISTENER (interrupts): "Wait. Be a minute with your angry feeling. | |
Just feel it for a minute. See what more is in it. Don't think | |
anything..." | |
How to help a felt sense form There is a gradation of how much help | |
people need to contact a felt sense. Always do the least amount | |
first, and more only if that doesn't work. | |
Some people won't need any help except your willingness to be silent. | |
If you don't talk all the time, and if you don't stop them or get | |
them off the track, they will feel into what they need to feel into. | |
Don't interrupt a silence for at least a minute. Once you have | |
responded and checked out what you said and gotten it exactly right, | |
be quiet. | |
The person may need one sentence or so from you, to make the pause in | |
which a felt sense could form. Such a sentence might simply repeat | |
slowly the last important word or phrase you already said. It might | |
just point again to that spot. For instance, in the previous example | |
you might have said slowly and emphatically: "Really angry." Then you | |
would stay quiet. The person's whole sense of all that goes with | |
being angry should form. | |
Whatever people say after your attempt to help them find a felt | |
sense, say the crux of it back. Don't worry if you cant immediately | |
create the silent deeper period you feel is needed. You can try it | |
again soon. Go along with whatever comes up, even if the focuser has | |
wandered off the track momentarily. | |
If after many tries the people still aren't feeling into anything, | |
then you can tell them to do so more directly. Say explicitly, "Sit | |
with it a minute and feel into it further?" you can also give all or | |
some of the focusing instructions. | |
You can form a question for people. Tell them to ask this question | |
inwardly, to ask not the head but the gut. "Stay quiet and don't | |
answer the question in words. Just wait with the question till | |
something comes from your feeling." | |
Questions like that are usually best open-ended. "What really is | |
this?" "What's keeping this the way it is?" | |
Another type of question applies to the "whole thing." "Where am I | |
really hung up in this whole thing?" Use it when everything is | |
confused or when the focuser doesn't know how to begin. | |
If the focuser has let a felt sense form but is still stuck, it may | |
help to ask, "How would it be different if it were all OK? What ought | |
it to be like?" Tell the person to feel that ideal state for a while | |
and then ask, "What's in the way of that." The focuser shouldn't try | |
to answer the question but should get the feel of what's in the way. | |
All these ways require that the focuser stop talking, both out loud | |
and inside. One lets what is there come instead of doing it oneself. | |
Just ask, "Where's my life still hung up?" this will give you the | |
felt sense of the problems fast, if you don't answer with words. | |
Another approach: pick the two or three most important things the | |
focuser has said if you feel they go together into one idea. Then | |
tell the person, "When I say what I'm going to say, don't you say | |
anything to me or to yourself. Just feel what comes there." Then say | |
the two or three things, each in one or two words. | |
These ways can also help when a person doesn't want to say some | |
private or painful thing. The focuser can work on it without actually | |
telling you what it is. You can listen and help without knowing what | |
it is about beyond the fact that it hurts or puzzles in some way. | |
## How you can tell when it isn't working | |
When people look you straight in the eyes, then they aren't yet | |
focusing inside themselves. Say, "you can't get into it while you're | |
looking at me. Let me just sit here while you go into yourself." | |
If people speak immediately after you get through asking them to be | |
quiet, they haven't focused yet. First, say back the crux of what was | |
said and then ask the focuser to contact the felt sense of it. If | |
you've worked hard on it and nothing useful has happened, let it go | |
fifteen minutes or so and try again. | |
If, after a silence, the person comes up with explanations and | |
speculations, ask how that problem feels. Don't criticize the person | |
for analyzing. Pick up on what the person does say and keep pointing | |
into a felt sense of it. | |
If people say they can't let feeling come because they are too | |
restless or tense, feel empty or discouraged, or are trying too hard, | |
ask them to focus on that. They can ask themselves (and not answer in | |
words), "what is this rattled feeling?" "... Or tense feeling?" "Or | |
empty feeling" "... Or `trying too hard' thing?" | |
## How to tell when a person has a felt sense | |
One has a felt sense when one can, feel more than one understands, | |
when what is there is more than words and thoughts, when something is | |
quite definitely experienced but is not yet clear, hasn't opened up | |
or released yet. | |
You will know your focuser has a felt sense and is referring to it | |
when that person gropes for words and evidently has something that is | |
not yet in words. | |
Anything that comes in this way should be welcomed. It is the | |
organism's next step. Take it and say it back just the way the person | |
tells it. | |
It feels good to have something come directly from one's felt sense. | |
It shifts the feelings, releases the body slightly. Even if one | |
doesn't like what has come, it feels good- it is encouraging when | |
more is happening than just talk. It gives one a sense of process, | |
freeing from stuck places. | |
This is the key concept in this process of listening, responding, and | |
referring to people's feelings just as they feel them. It is based on | |
the fact that feelings and troubles are not just concepts or ideas: | |
they are bodily. Therefore the point of helping is never just to | |
speculate, to explain. There has to be a physical process, of steps | |
into where the trouble is felt in the body. Such a process gets going | |
when a good listener responds to the personal, felt side of anything | |
said, just as the person feels it without adding anything. Felt | |
movement and change happen when a person is given the peace to allow | |
the bodily sense of a trouble to be, to be felt, and to move to its | |
own next step. | |
A focuser can do this alone, but the presence and response of another | |
person has a powerful helping effect. | |
# The second kind of helping: Using your own feelings and reactions | |
# about the other person | |
There are ways of doing more than listening, but they aren't 'more' | |
if you do them without listening. | |
In this section I will show you how to try out many other things, but | |
in a way that always keeps listening as basic. | |
Try some of them, one at a time, and then go right back to listening | |
for a while. | |
## How to say your reaction | |
Whatever you say or do, watch the person's face and respond to how | |
your input affects the person. If you cant see that, ask. Even if | |
what you say or do is stupid and hurtful, it will work out well if | |
you then ask about and say back whatever the person's reaction to it | |
is. Switch back to listening right after saying your own reaction. | |
Make your statements questions, not conclusions and direct your | |
questions to people's feelings, not just their ideas. Invite people | |
to go into themselves and see whether they feel something like what | |
you say---or something else. You don't ever know what they feel. You | |
only wonder and help them to ask themselves. You might say, "I don't | |
mean that I would know. Feel it out and see. Is it like that, or just | |
how is it?" | |
Note that the person must feel what is there, to answer your | |
question, if you put it this way. | |
Let go of your idea easily as soon as you see that it leads into | |
arguments or speculation, or just doesn't get further into anything | |
directly felt. If you think it's good you can say it twice, but after | |
that, abandon it. You can bring it up later. (You could be right but | |
something else might have to come first.) | |
Make sure that there are stretches of time when you do total | |
listening. If you interrupt with your ideas and reactions constantly, | |
the basic focusing process cant get going. There should be ten or | |
fifteen minutes at a time when you should only listen. If the person | |
is feeling into his or her problem, do less talking; if the person is | |
stuck, do more. | |
Let the persons process go ahead if it seems to want to move a | |
certain way. Don't insist that it move into what you sense should be | |
next. | |
If the person tries to teach you to be a certain way, be that way for | |
a while. For instance, some people might express a need to have you | |
more quiet or more talkative, or to work with them in some definite | |
way. Do it. You can always go back to your preferred way later. | |
People often teach us how to help them. | |
If you find you have gotten, things off a good track and into | |
confusion, bring the process back to the last point where the focuser | |
was in touch with feelings. Say, "You were telling me... go on from | |
there." | |
Watch your person's face and body, and if you see something | |
happening, ask about it. Non verbal reactions are often good signals | |
to ask people to get them into a felt sense. | |
For instance, the focuser might say, "That happened but I feel OK | |
about it." You respond, "You feel OK about it in some way. But I see | |
from the way your foot is tapping, and the way you look, that | |
something might not be OK, too. Is that right?" | |
You don't need to get hung up on whether you're right or not when you | |
sense something. If you sense something, then there is something, but | |
you may not be right about what it is. So ask. | |
You will often see the focuser's face reacting to whatever you are | |
saying or doing. Ask about that, too. | |
Feel easy about it if the person doesn't like what you're doing. You | |
can change it, or you might not need to. Give the person room to have | |
negative reactions to you, and listen and say back what they are. | |
Don't always stay with the words the person is saying. Does the voice | |
sound angry? Discouraged? Insistent? Is there a sudden break in it? | |
What way were the words said? Ask: "You sound angry. Are you?" And if | |
the answer is yes, ask what that is about. If the focuser gets no | |
further, ask: "Can you sense what the anger is?" | |
You can use your own felt reactions to what's going on to help you | |
sense more clearly what is going on with the other person or with | |
both of you. If you feel bored, annoyed, impatient, angry, | |
embarrassed, excited, or any way that stands out, it indicates | |
something. Focus on what it is in you. If you are bored, you might | |
find that it is because the person isn't getting into anything | |
meaningful. Then you can ask: "Are you getting into what you really | |
want to get into?" If you are angry, what is the person doing to make | |
you angry? When you find that, you can say it. For instance: "Are you | |
maybe shutting me out because you gave up on my helping you. Did you?" | |
Let yourself have any feelings at all while working with someone. Let | |
them be as unlovely and as honest as they can be. That way you can be | |
free inside to attend to what's happening in you. That often points | |
to what's happening with the other person or between the two of you. | |
If you get an idea as to what someone is feeling by putting together | |
a lot of theoretical reasoning or a long set of hints, don't take up | |
time explaining all this to the other person. Just ask whether the | |
person can find the feeling you inferred. | |
You can express any hunch or idea as a question. Sometimes you might | |
add another possibility to insure that the focuser knows it's not a | |
conclusion but an invitation to look within at the feeling itself. | |
"Is it like you're scared... or maybe ashamed? How does it feel?" | |
Then listen. | |
In the rest of this second section on helping I offer many | |
reactions-that you might say to help someone. You needn't read and | |
grasp these all right now. You can look these up when you have become | |
competent in listening and want more ideas to try. For now, you | |
should probably move on to the third kind of helping. | |
Some questions to create movement It is often worthwhile (though not | |
always feasible) to ask if the focusers sex life is good. If it is | |
not, it may help to see if sexual needs are felt as frightening or | |
bad. It may also help to talk about what's standing in the way of a | |
good sex life, as well as how to change situations or get into new | |
ones. (Some people may find such questions nosy or silly. Don't ask | |
unless you are sure that your focuser will accept your asking.) | |
"Crazy" conditions are often related to one's life situation. If your | |
rapport with the person is such that a question about private matters | |
doesn't seem shocking or nosy, or if the person mostly speaks of | |
strange or hallucinatory stuff, try asking if the person has friends, | |
work, places to go, sexuality. The person can focus on these with or | |
without telling you all the details. | |
Feelings are inside and "relationships" are outside. But inside and | |
outside are always related, and a good listener can help a troubled | |
focuser find steps to change the outside, too. | |
You can ask people, referring to any bad thing they are fighting or | |
puzzling over inside: "How is this bad thing in some way good, or | |
useful, or sensible?" This is a complex, profound question, and you | |
might precede it with something like this: "No bad thing that's in a | |
person is all bad. If it's there, it has or might have some right or | |
useful aspect that we have to listen, for. If we find what the thing | |
is good for, then it can let go. So give it a friendly hearing and | |
see what it says, why it's right." The point is to help the focuser | |
stop fighting the undesired ways long enough to allow them to open, | |
so the positive aspect in them can come out. | |
Often a troubled inner state protects us from other painful problems. | |
If we can see what a painful thing protects us from, we can | |
sometimes protect ourselves much better than the thing itself can. | |
Sometimes a person's trouble lies in the fighting against the way the | |
body feels. If you let how you feel simply be, a positive next step | |
can then come out of it -one that you couldn't make up and force. | |
Sometimes it helps to ask a suicidal person: "Are you thinking about | |
committing suicide at somebody? At whom?" (By this I mean attempting | |
to hurt someone by committing suicide.) The focuser may know right | |
away, and the focus may then shift to where it needs to-that | |
relationship. It may help also to say that the other person in that | |
relationship probably won't understand the focuser's suicide attempt | |
any better than the person ever understood anything else. | |
Sometimes, if a person is angry, it pays to ask: "Are you hurt about | |
something." | |
Sometimes you can ask: "Do you feel that you can't ever get what you | |
need?" (If so, let the focuser feel into what that is.) Some people's | |
most frantic, seemingly destructive reactions are really a | |
life-affirming fight against some part in them that forbids what they | |
need ever to come about. The point then is to shift the focus to this | |
assumption or prohibition, which has to be false in some way. What | |
does it say, and why? | |
If a feeling keeps being there, over and over, you can ask the person | |
to "switch roles"' with the feeling. The person stands up, loosens | |
the body, and prepares as if to act a role on stage. The role is to | |
be the feeling. | |
"Wait... sense it in your body, what would this feeling do to you, | |
how would it act, what would it say, how would it stand or move? Wait | |
and see what comes in your body." | |
Sometimes body expressions, crying, or yelling certain words arise | |
spontaneously. When that has finished happening, it is important to | |
find and focus on the felt sense that these expressive "discharges" | |
come out of. | |
## Some suggestions to point people in a forward direction | |
It helps to assure people that it's OK to have their feelings-at | |
least long enough to feel what they are. The same is true of needs, | |
desires, ways of seeing things. There are various reasons people stay | |
clear of their feelings, as we've seen. Among the reasons: the fear | |
that bad feelings will lead to destructive actions. | |
If someone is afraid of feelings, you might say: | |
"Feelings and actions aren't the same thing. You can let yourself | |
feel whatever you do feel. Then you can still decide what you choose | |
to do." | |
"It's OK to need. Trying not to have a need that you do in fact have | |
makes a lot of trouble. Even if you can't get it, don't fight needing | |
it." | |
"Focusing isn't like just wallowing around in what you feel. Don't | |
sink into it, stay next to it. Let yourself feel whatever is there | |
and expect it to open up." | |
"Weird states are different from feelings. It helps to move out of | |
them toward life and ordinary situations. Weird states may not ease | |
by getting further into them. What in your life is making things bad? | |
What happens if you lean forward into living, instead of lying back?" | |
If the person suddenly feels weird or unreal, slow down. Take a short | |
break. Ask the person to look around the room, recall the ordinary to | |
the persons attention. Then continue. | |
But you shouldn't decide whether the focuser should go into, or out | |
of, anything. The focuser should decide. Your company may be wanted | |
in probing some weird thoughts-or may not. | |
"To change something or do something that's been too hard, we have to | |
find a small first step you can actually do. What would that be?" | |
Suggest small first steps if the focuser has none, but don't settle | |
on anything unless it is received with some elation that that first | |
step is possible. "Can you make a list of places to go meet new | |
people? As a first step, make a list?" | |
Some people are so concerned with what somebody else thinks that they | |
need help getting to what they themselves think and feel. | |
"Put away for a minute what they think and what they said, and let's | |
see what you feel about it, how you see it." | |
## Dealing with very troubled people | |
You can talk about yourself, your day-anything you feel like saying. | |
You need not always try to get into the other person's problems. Of | |
course, if the focuser is in the midst of talking about them or seems | |
to want to, you should not then refuse to listen. The person should | |
know you would listen. But there will be times when it will be a | |
relief to a troubled person to find that you can just talk of other | |
things. | |
Silent, peaceful times are also useful. It is good to lie on the | |
grass, go for a walk, without any tension of waiting for something to | |
be said. | |
You can even get very troubled people to talk about (or do) something | |
they happen to be competent in for example, sewing or music. This | |
helps them feel OK for a while and lets you respond to a competent | |
person -respond positively and for good reason. | |
It is often after such times, after having been able to just be with | |
you, that a person might feel like taking you into some areas that | |
are disturbing. | |
If the person talks a lot about strange material you can't understand | |
and then says one or two things that make sense, stick with those and | |
repeat them many times. They are your point of contact. It is all | |
right to keep returning to these phrases, with silence or other | |
topics in between, for as long as an hour. | |
If the person says things that can't be true, respond to the feeling | |
rather than to the distorted facts or untruths. For example, "The | |
martians took everything I had away from me..." You can get the | |
feeling here. Say, "Somebody took what was yours?" | |
## Other ways to be helpful | |
Let's say a man asks you for something you can't give. You may have | |
to refuse the request itself, but you can tell him you're glad he's | |
in touch with what he needs. Tell him you're glad he felt free to | |
ask. This is especially so if the need is in the direction of life | |
and growth for the person, if for the first time he can allow himself | |
to want or ask for closeness or time with you. | |
When a person acts toward you in a way that is obviously destructive | |
or self-defeating (and you think, no wonder lots of people dislike | |
this person), there are several things you can do: | |
* You can say how it makes you feel. | |
* You can point to what the person is doing and ask what that feels | |
like inside. Leave it vague, not defined. If you call it | |
"attacking," "manipulating," "lazy," "whining," "controlling," or | |
any such condemning label, you give only the external view. Inside | |
the focuser it's something more complex. So be puzzled about what | |
this is, even if you can give it a clear disapproving name from | |
your outside perspective. | |
* If you sense what a good life-thrust might be in this bad way of | |
acting, then respond to that life-thrust. A lot of bad ways are bad | |
only because the right thing is being half done, instead of being | |
done fully and freely. If you respond to the half of it that is | |
happening, that lets it happen more. Responding to the half that's | |
missing isn't as helpful. | |
Example: Someone is whiningly complaining. It would not be helpful to | |
say, "Why do you always whine and come on so weak? Why don't you | |
stand up for yourself and say what you want?" It is more helpful to | |
respond to the positive half of this that's trying to happen, and | |
say, "You're saying what you need from people, and calling a halt to | |
what they've been doing." | |
Some healthy life-enhancing processes are: taking up for yourself, | |
defending the way you see it, allowing yourself to be free to feel as | |
you do, reaching out for someone, trying to do something that you | |
haven't been able to for some time, exploring, wondering about | |
yourself, trying to meet people, sexuality, a sense of cosmic | |
significance or mystery, seeking peace, letting someone see you, | |
trying something new, taking charge of a situation, telling people | |
how you need them to be, being honest, hoping, refusing to give up, | |
being able to ask for help. These are all good life-thrusts. | |
No one should depend on just you alone. Let the person meet other | |
people you know, or call someone else in to help, if the person lacks | |
others. | |
The person should be present when being discussed by people trying to | |
help. It's hard to be straight in front of someone you're trying to | |
help, but we've already seen why you must. | |
A person's needs for help with a job, a place to live, and so on, | |
should be part of what help is about. Help is about needs, whatever | |
they may be. It's not useful to separate "psychological" problems | |
from the rest. They aren't separate in a person's life. | |
# The third kind of helping: Interaction | |
Until now you were either saying back the other person's feelings | |
(the first kind) or giving your feelings and ideas about the other | |
person's feelings (the second). Up to now it was all about helping | |
the other person. Now we come to your feelings. This section is as | |
much for you as for helping the other person. Ideally, both can | |
profit equally. | |
Our feelings, when we are with others, are often about those others. | |
And yet they are our own feelings. We often feel like blaming the | |
other person for our feelings: | |
* "I feel that you're very defensive." | |
* "I feel that you're manipulating me." | |
* "I feel angry because you always interrupt me." | |
* "I feel disappointed because you don't feel any better." | |
In these examples we express our feelings by saying that the other | |
person is no good, behaves badly, or is the reason for our feelings. | |
To express our feelings in a more useful way we must focus into them | |
and get in touch with what's in us. These feelings will still relate | |
to what the other person did, but they will be strictly our feelings | |
and not the other person's burden. For example: | |
"It's always hard for me to keep a train of thought, or keep feeling | |
it's worth saying. So when you interrupt me, it hits my weak spot. | |
I get so I can't make room for myself to say things to you. That's | |
why it makes me angry." | |
"I have a sort of stake in being a big help to people. I guess I'm | |
disappointed that you're not feeling better. I do care about you | |
too, but I see that my disappointment is my own thing. I need to be | |
Big Helper." | |
## How to express yourself | |
From a given moment of interaction you can move either into the other | |
person or into yourself. For example, let's say you are with a woman | |
who has done something to upset you. You can go from this into what | |
she did and what she is like and why she did it. Or you can go into | |
what you are like and how it upsets you. | |
Don't do the first. Leave that to the other person. Do the second: | |
move from the bit of interaction into your own feelings. See why it | |
affected you and share this. | |
It is hard for people to hear you say what's wrong with them. It is | |
easy to listen to you saying what's wrong with you, or what is at any | |
rate vulnerable or upsettable or shaky in you. Avoid making comments | |
that start, "I feel that you..." You're invading the other's | |
territory and protecting yours. | |
Sharing what is happening in you makes the interaction more open and | |
personal. The other person can then feel comfortable about sharing | |
inner things with you. | |
Don't say: | |
"I have to express my feelings. Can I trust you with it? I feel you | |
bully me." | |
Do say: | |
"I get angry and upset when I can't get to finish what I started to | |
say. I lose track. I get insecure about whether I have any real | |
ideas." | |
It is essential to be specific in expressing yourself. Avoid | |
generalities. It is still a rebuke to a person to be told he or she | |
made you upset. It is not real sharing when you share only a | |
generality. But if you share some of the specifics actually going on | |
in you--your unique felt sense of the situation--you share yourself. | |
You can find these specifics by focusing at that moment. | |
Be ready to stand it if what you shared is ignored. The other person | |
may not be able to meet you immediately, may still be in some private | |
anger or withdrawal, and may lag behind you in being open. The | |
person may have to say angry things once or twice more, or laugh | |
derisively. Your openness will be apparent, but the person may be | |
unable to meet it. So don't expect immediate warm receptiveness as | |
feedback. If you feel shaky, wait until what you say can stand on | |
its own, whatever the other's reaction. | |
It is better to say, "I'm mad," than to say angry things and let your | |
anger be seen indirectly. Saying your feeling directly lets it be | |
shared. | |
If the first words that come to you feel hard to say, don't fight | |
with yourself. Wait a few moments and let another string of words | |
form. Do this till you get words that feel OK to say. Don't give up | |
whatever needs expressing. | |
Focus directly on what you most fear, or what you find yourself | |
struggling with. If what the other person says makes you uptight, pay | |
attention to what you've afraid is being said and what you're afraid | |
that means then say the crux of what you find inside. | |
We often work desperately on the surface of what we feel, or how | |
we've just reacted, trying to fix it or make it be something else. | |
But it is easy to let the real feeling speak directly. | |
Examples: | |
* "That hurts my feelings." | |
* "I'm hurt that you're angry." | |
* "That makes me feel pushed away." | |
* "I feel outmaneuvered." | |
* "I'm stuck." | |
Say explicitly the covert things that go on in interaction, and say | |
how you feel about them. Often things are happening that both of you | |
can feel, but that both hope aren't being noticed. | |
For example, the other person might be pressuring you, and you might | |
be trying to avoid being pushed into something while trying not to | |
let on that you are resisting. Or you might have done something | |
stupid or wrong, and you might be trying to recoup without that error | |
being acknowledged, trying to make it be something other than it was. | |
When things like this, have really occurred, saying them gets things | |
unstuck. Not saying them keeps the interaction stuck. | |
Talk about it if you did something and now wish you hadn't. It may | |
seem too late, but it's never too late to get the interaction unstuck. | |
Examples: | |
* "I feel stupid about getting mad and yelling." | |
* "Back a while ago, you said... and I said yes. I was too chicken | |
to say no. I was afraid of fighting it out with you." | |
What feels impossible to face up to often provides a special | |
opportunity to become closer to someone. | |
If nothing is happening and you wish something would-even if it seems | |
that not much is going on in you-focus. There are always many things | |
going on there, and some of them belong with the interaction with | |
this person. Express them. | |
When you are being pushed too far, call a halt, set a limit. Do this | |
before you blow up or get mad. Protect the other person from what | |
happens when you don't take care of your needs. Say what you want or | |
don't want, while you still have the time and concern, to stay and | |
hear what it means to the other person. | |
For example: | |
"I like it that I'm helpful when you call me up, but now it's | |
happening too often. So instead of feeling good about it, like I used | |
to, I feel pushed. I'd like to feel good about your calling. If I | |
knew you'd call only twice a week, I know I'd like it again." | |
You are not trying to get rid of the person. You make the limits | |
firm, so that within those limits you can feel good about the person | |
again. | |
Having set these limits, you would stay to hear how the other person | |
feels about them. | |
If you are sitting with a silent person, say something like, "Let me | |
just sit here and keep you company." Relax. Show that you can | |
maintain yourself on your own without needing to be dealt with. In | |
such a silence, if it's long, you will have many chains of feelings, | |
some of which you can express (every few minutes, perhaps). | |
Do not tell feelings you haven't got and only wish you had. Tell | |
anything valuable you do have. If you find it painful to be honest, | |
realize that other people don't care how good or wise or beautiful | |
you are. Only you care all that much. It is not harmful to the other | |
person if you look stupid or imperfect. | |
What is true is already so. Owning up to it doesn't make it worse. | |
Not being open about it doesn't make it go away. And because it's | |
true, it is what is there to be interacted with. Anything untrue | |
isn't there to be lived. People can stand what is true, for they are | |
already enduring it. | |
## When not to express yourself | |
Be silent when people are focusing or talking about their concerns, | |
or might if you made room. Delay articulating your side. People can | |
almost always hear you better if they are heard first and get in | |
touch with where they are first. Also, as the other person does | |
this, it may change what you feel without your saying anything. It | |
might be hard to let the other person go first. But if the other | |
person is full of unclear and upsetting feelings, you might not be | |
heard unless you wait. | |
If you are very upset, and if the interaction isn't already a | |
trusting one, wait a few moments before expressing yourself. As you | |
calm down you can sift your feelings better. Also they are easier for | |
the other person to experience if it seems clear that you aren't | |
being wiped out by what you feel. | |
Don't express yourself immediately if you are confused about what you | |
feel and will only skirt your deepest feelings. Focus to learn what | |
they are. | |
## When to express yourself | |
Express yourself when you want to make a relationship closer. | |
Or when you are being "twisted out of your own shape" in some way. | |
For instance, speak up if the person is implying that you feel some | |
way you don't really feel. Then listen again. It is all right if the | |
person doesn't believe you if you have been heard. Don't argue. | |
Also express yourself when the other person needs to hear more from | |
you to feel at ease about you, or has misconstrued one of your | |
reactions. Say openly how it is with you. Don't let the other try to | |
relate to what you really were not feeling. Even though it may be | |
easier for you to remain unseen, misunderstood, and unapproachable, | |
no interaction is possible if you do. | |
When you are in a group and nothing is happening, express something | |
about yourself. This opens things up for others to express | |
themselves. Give them something personal and meaningful from within | |
you. | |
When the other person isn't up to relating with you, it may help if | |
you just freely express anything about yourself. This way you don't | |
have to be carried by the other's energy. | |
Express yourself when you are being idealised. Share some personal | |
trouble or not-so-nice feeling you find in yourself. | |
Express yourself when the other person worries about having wounded | |
or destroyed you. Give the specifics of how you do feel. Let it be | |
seen that, although hurt or upset, you are not destroyed. | |
Express yourself when you just feel like it. There are two people | |
here. You have equal rights. You may not always need to know why you | |
feel like expressing yourself. | |
# The fourth kind of helping: Interacting in a group | |
What follows concerns any group. It might be a staff meeting or your | |
family. It might be a social group or a task group. It might be a | |
group set up specifically for focusing--something I will discuss in a | |
later chapter. | |
We have all heard that groups should "process," take up openly bad | |
feelings. Usually that doesn't work very well. People hurt each | |
others feelings and don't really resolve them. Everyone gets a say, | |
but no one can go very many steps. No one is really listened to, or | |
focuses, so that the feelings can change. Yet this is what is needed, | |
and can happen. But it usually happens only with listening and | |
focusing. | |
Focusing can happen in a group, however large. Someone reads the | |
instructions and everyone focuses within the silences between. | |
Afterwards there should be a time when each person can say something. | |
If the group is large, it can divide into small groups. Divide the | |
available time, and have someone with a watch call time for each | |
person. Say you have half an hour and ten people. Each person gets | |
two and a half minutes (leaving time lost in between). When people | |
ramble, two and a half minutes is nothing, but if they know the time | |
in advance, and have focused, it may be more time than some people | |
will use. Take a minute or two in silence to let people decide | |
approximately what they will say. | |
A warm group climate exists when people are free to say only what | |
they wish, and no one criticises, edits, or adds anything whatsoever | |
to it. If people are skilled in listening, or listening is being | |
taught, the person on the right can respond listeningly. If people | |
are not skilled or learning listening, then no one should say | |
anything except the person whose turn it is. | |
When the group is having trouble with someone, or you are having | |
trouble with someone, set aside a separate time and arrange for a few | |
people to talk with the person. With just a few people meeting, each | |
can be fully heard and be given enough time. Let the purpose be | |
everybody's growth and straightness. Difficulties between people and | |
within people don't impede the work and dynamics of the group, if | |
they're dealt with in this way, they make a group better. When | |
problems get resolved, and any person in the group experiences | |
growth, the others feel the excitement. | |
If several people talk with someone who is upset or upsetting, at | |
least one should be designated to insure that the person gets really | |
listened to. This helps the person cope with disturbing feedback from | |
other group members. | |
Credit another person with some good or seemingly good reasons for | |
whatever is psychologically upsetting or harmful, even if you feel | |
angry or find the person unreasonable. | |
When an interaction is bad and continues to be bad, say you've been | |
talking for ten minutes and it's getting worse-stop. Go to the first | |
and second stages of listening. Assume the other person is trying to | |
do some good thing. Say that. Try to find what this good thing is and | |
say it. (If you don't like it, you can say that you don't agree but | |
that you do understand.) Then, when the other person's side is | |
cleared or heard, say you, now want to do your side, and do it. Even | |
if the person doesn't want to hear it, say your side before it's | |
over, or sometime soon. Perhaps bring in someone who can help you be | |
heard. | |
Why give your life and work to a group and then not invest the few | |
hours it takes to work things through with a person? People often | |
keep quiet out of consideration for someone until they get so angry | |
they want to throw the person out altogether. | |
At one time or another you, too, may have felt discouraged about the | |
group, unwilling to do the work, anxious you weren't doing it right. | |
Help hear the person who is having these feelings today, even if | |
today you don't feel that way. | |
It helps, in a group, to invite a person to speak who has just made | |
motions or grunts and didn't get a chance to express anything. | |
If a person says something meaningful and then a lot of trivial | |
things are said by others or irrelevant questions are asked, return | |
to the first person with an invitation to say more. | |
When all are down on one person, there has to be someone who is more | |
interested in letting that person get heard than in joining the | |
attack. Even if you feel insecure or an outsider in the group, you | |
can always express your wish to hear more from any person, or to have | |
that person repeat something to which the group didn't respond. | |
There are ways to help with an interaction between two other people. | |
If two or more are having trouble, and you are not too upset | |
yourself, you can help each person get heard. In a bad interaction, | |
usually neither person can hear the other very well. If you respond | |
to one person, as in the first stage of listening, the other can hear | |
you and see the good results of the process. Then turn and respond to | |
the second person's feelings. That lets the first one listen. (Don't | |
mediate and decide who's right about what. Keep your view for later, | |
or maybe say it fast and get back to them.) | |
Most of what we've said about listening can help in interactions with | |
the people close to you. The difference is that you aren't trying | |
only to help; you're also trying to live and work; so expect it to be | |
harder and slower. Accept it if you can't do as well when you | |
personally are involved. Don't be surprised if you can't listen well | |
when you're being attacked. Even just trying these approaches-no | |
matter how slow or hard it seems sometimes gets people out of a stuck | |
atmosphere. | |
A big difference can be made in a group if you listen, if you focus | |
and say some of what you find, and if you ask others sometimes to | |
sense and say more of what they are feeling. | |
author: Gendlin, Eugene T., 1926-2017 | |
detail: gopher://gopherpedia.com/0/Focusing | |
LOC: BF698.2 .G46 | |
source: gopher://tilde.pink/9/~bencollver/books/focusing-by-eugene-gendlin.pdf | |
source2: gopher://tilde.pink/9/~bencollver/books/ofocusing-by-eugene-gendlin.doc | |
tags: book,health,non-fiction,self-help | |
title: Focusing | |
# Tags | |
book | |
health | |
non-fiction | |
self-help |