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# 2018-05-21 - The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome by Maxine Aston | |
# Preface | |
Since I wrote the first edition of this book, changes have been made | |
to the most recent version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual | |
of Mental Disorders (5th edition, APA 2013) and it has been decided | |
by them no longer to use the term Asperger syndrome and to refer to | |
individuals who come under this bracket as simply having an Autism | |
Spectrum Disorder. | |
# Chapter 1 | |
[Asperger syndrome is] an impairment in communication, both verbal | |
and nonverbal. Their speech was inclined to be pedantic... speech | |
was often presented in a very monotonous or overly exaggerated way, | |
with little facial expression. | |
Under the new diagnostic criteria those who were previously diagnosed | |
with Asperger syndrome might fall under Autism Spectrum Disorder - | |
Level 1. | |
The three main criteria that people with Autistic Spectrum Disorder | |
share were arrived at by Lorna Wing and are now often referred to as | |
Wing's triad of social and language impairments. A diagnosis should | |
be based on impairments in the following three areas: 1. social | |
relationships 2. communication 3. imagination | |
However, to date, there is no specific universal agreement about the | |
diagnostic criteria. | |
The statistics on occurrence land somewhere between 1:100 and 1:300 | |
people. | |
# Chapter 2 | |
Statistics report more males than females. | |
Two interesting books referenced: | |
* Pretending To Be Normal by Holliday Willey | |
* Aspergirls by Rudy Simone | |
... The reasoning behind this seems to be that women are more | |
likely to choose a partner to whom they can relate whereas men are | |
more likely to choose a partner who compensates for what they find | |
difficult or cannot do. | |
# Chapter 3 | |
A person with Asperger syndrome may be an expert in a particular, | |
often obscure, field... Their rote memory can be amazing... they | |
often seem to acquire all this knowledge without any effort. They | |
may be able to do all these things and often be very competent at | |
them, and yet their non-Asperger syndrome partner may... fear that | |
there would be some unpredicted crisis and their partner would have | |
difficulty coping with it. | |
# Chapter 5 | |
The bluntness and honesty of the Asperger partner can also cause | |
problems in social activities. The behavior of a person with | |
Asperger syndrome may at times appear rude... they do not appear to | |
have needed any close or long-term friends. | |
Bullying can have an adverse effect on all children. It can lower | |
their self-esteem, confidence, and ability to be assertive. To | |
children with Asperger syndrome bullying may often go unreported and | |
undetected, and the lessons it teaches about other people can live | |
with them all their lives. They may carry with them the belief that | |
others are out to trick them, to make fun of them, and make them look | |
stupid. This may exaggerate their reaction to perceived criticisms | |
of themselves, and it is this heightened sensitivity that partners | |
may experience first-hand when trying to discuss how they feel about | |
a particular issue. | |
# Chapter 6 | |
[Aspies often take things literally] | |
... non-verbal communication between partners may also cause | |
problems. Eye movements may also appear odd, your partner perhaps | |
staring for too long or looking away at an inappropriate moment. | |
# Chapter 8 | |
Not everybody can live with the absence of intimate communication, | |
reciprocated feelings, and empathy that, to a greater or lesser | |
extent, are part of Asperger syndrome. | |
# Chapter 9 | |
Most of the women with male partners with the syndrome describe them | |
as being very kind, gentle, and quiet men when they first met them, | |
and these were the characteristics that they were initially attracted | |
to. These men tended to display a naivete that had a boyish essence | |
to it, and the women they often chose had strong maternal, caring, | |
and warm ways. So instantly there can be a 'fit' between the two | |
halves of a couple of this type. | |
Boys with Asperger syndrome are sometimes teased at school because | |
they adopt a somewhat feminine approach, and are less likely to | |
conform to social stereotypes of masculine and feminine behavior than | |
is the case with their peers. Their mothers are more likely to be | |
their role models than their fathers, because it is often their | |
mothers they spend more time with. This could lead to boys | |
displaying mannerisms and gestures that could be misinterpreted by | |
other children as being 'girlish'; name-calling and bullying could be | |
the consequence. | |
Such a feminine side in an adult male can be very appealing to some | |
women, however. Many men with Asperger syndrome are quite happy to | |
cook, clean, iron, and even arrange flowers if they so wish. They do | |
not feel obligated to fulfill and display masculine roles, but are | |
much more likely to do what pleases them, rather than what society | |
states they are supposed to do. They may have quite a gentle | |
approach and rarely display aggressive behavior. Many women | |
interpret this as meaning that they are sure enough of their | |
masculinity to be in touch with their feminine side, and see this as | |
a positive quality in a partner. | |
As men with Asperger syndrome often choose women who are quite | |
strong, independent, and nurturing, this all fits together very well, | |
for a while. It is only after a time together that the contradiction | |
of this feminine side emerges. Although the man may be gentle, they | |
may also begin to display some rather chauvinistic traits. ... there | |
is a possibility that the man's partner may be older than he is. | |
It is not the case that men with Asperger syndrome deliberately | |
search out older partners. However, many of the non-Asperger women I | |
encountered in the course of my research were older than their | |
partners. Since the time of my original research I have found that a | |
woman with Asperger syndrome is also likely to choose a man who is | |
much older. | |
... the more able men with Asperger syndrome are often highly | |
qualified and have very well-paid jobs--frequently within the | |
fields of engineering, science, math, or computers. The ability to | |
work with objects rather than people could be described as a | |
characteristic trait of Asperger syndrome. | |
... some employers will often overlook the social problems an | |
adult with the syndrome displays as their hard and conscientious | |
work compensates for it. | |
# Chapter 10 | |
Receiving couples counseling when relationships have run into | |
problems can, in many cases, help revive them. Indeed, the problems | |
in many marriages and relationships have been solved within a | |
counselling room. Unfortunately, this does not often appear to be | |
the case when one partner has Asperger syndrome. | |
For some, the result may be disastrous, leaving the partner who does | |
not have Asperger syndrome feeling unheard, frustrated, and very | |
angry. The reason for this is likely to be that the presence of | |
Asperger syndrome has not been recognized by either the couple or the | |
counselor. ... counselors are not psychologists, nor are they | |
psychiatrists... Nor are they qualified to make an official | |
diagnosis; they should, though, have enough knowledge about Asperger | |
syndrome to be able to refer or signpost the couple in the right | |
direction. | |
# Chapter 11 | |
The fact that your partner has formed a long-term intimate | |
relationship with you is a very positive thing as it is likely to | |
mean that they are at the higher, more able end of the spectrum. | |
Many adults with Asperger syndrome never form such relationships. | |
You will have a strong advantage over your partner in the area of | |
social skills, interaction, and communication, and this may be even | |
more the case if your partner is male. | |
# Chapter 12 | |
Ambiguity and Asperger syndrome do not mix. If these two ingredients | |
are put together, it can result in instant disaster. It is very | |
important to be precise, direct, and straight to the point... | |
Once a positive diagnosis has been received, you then know that your | |
partner is not being deliberately evasive or uncommunicative. It is | |
not because they do not want to understand what is being said; it is | |
much more likely that they simply do not understand it. | |
If they are given the correct help, support, and guidance and have | |
the motivation to learn, they can develop strategies to help them | |
cope and respond more appropriately in communication and social | |
situations. | |
The only type of intelligence affected by Asperger syndrome is social | |
intelligence. | |
... as an adult, they may be very sensitive to any form of | |
perceived ridicule or put-down, especially from you. | |
Communication strategies: | |
* Give complete messages with at least four forms of disclosure: | |
the facts, your thoughts, your feelings, and what it is you need. | |
[NVC!] | |
* Use "I" statements | |
* Rather than being reactive, respond with a question or complete | |
statement | |
* Do not assume that you know what your partner is thinking or that | |
they know what you are thinking. One way that your partner can be | |
helped to understand what is expected of them is to use a written | |
form of communication. | |
# Chapter 13 | |
Tony Atwood strongly recommends that it is simpler for each partner | |
to write things down in letter or note form than to try and express | |
verbally what each is trying to say or ask. This idea has certainly | |
proved successful in my own experience of counselling couples when | |
one of the partners has Asperger syndrome. | |
An incentive will increase their motivation; which will produce a | |
change. | |
... it is likely that email or social media can be used to an even | |
better effect than letter writing, as many people with Asperger | |
syndrome enjoy spending time on the computer and internet. | |
The phone can also be more comfortable. | |
Talking with the lights turned down can also reduce the confusion of | |
mixed messages caused by misunderstanding nonverbal language and may | |
feel more intimate than writing a letter or sending an email. | |
Reflective listening. Practice exercises listening to neutral topics. | |
Deal with one subject at a time to avoid sensory overload for partner. | |
# Chapter 14 | |
For men and women with Asperger syndrome, the fear of anger [being | |
directed at them by their partner] seems to be completely out of | |
proportion. | |
Positive channels for anger: | |
* sports, yoga, physical exertion | |
* faith, prayer, spirituality | |
* individual counseling | |
Respect, not abusive behavior. | |
For the majority of men and women with Asperger syndrome it appears | |
to be more likely that they will react to stress by shutting down, | |
not communicating, and keeping their distance from their partner. | |
Some non-Asperger partners struggle with this and make the mistake of | |
seeing it as a rejection. It is rarely a rejection, however; it is | |
rather their partner needing time out and space. | |
# Chapter 15 | |
Communication has been highlighted as problematic in relationships | |
when one partner has Asperger syndrome, and as sex is also a form of | |
communication, it is no exception. | |
# Chapter 18 | |
Special interests keeps aspies busy and out of trouble. These will | |
likely be solitary interests. | |
# Chapter 19 | |
Routines. Adults with Asperger syndrome can be very dependable and, | |
if given something to do, as long as they want to do it, they will do | |
it no matter what. They will complete the job and it will be done to | |
perfection. It may take them a while--and you will have to be | |
patient as they will not take short-cuts or 'make do'--but the result | |
will be worth it. | |
# Chapter 20 | |
If your Asperger partner is male, then he may have a highly developed | |
feminine side, and so will often appear to get on better with women | |
than men. Interestingly, I found this was also the case for the | |
women with the syndrome whom I contacted, but in reverse, as they | |
showed a preference for male friends. | |
Taking things literally... can make socializing a nightmare... | |
Likewise, not realizing that honesty is not always the best policy | |
when asked an opinion can cause problems. People with Asperger | |
syndrome will inevitably give a very honest answer, and sometimes | |
this will cause offense. | |
Another problem that was described by some of the men and women I | |
spoke to was their partner's difficulty in recognizing potentially | |
dangerous situations. | |
# Chapter 21 | |
Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes. | |
Having a lack of empathy is one of the aspects of Asperger syndrome | |
that non-Asperger partners find hardest to deal with. | |
Most relationships depend on reciprocity to make them work--there has | |
to be give and take. | |
# Chapter 22 | |
If someone with Asperger syndrome is capable of forming an intimate | |
relationship, they should also be capable of knowing that there are | |
some types of behavior that are totally unacceptable and | |
inappropriate. | |
author: Aston, Maxine C. | |
detail: http://www.maxineaston.co.uk/ | |
LOC: RC553.A88 A799 | |
tags: book,health,non-fiction | |
title: The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome | |
# Tags | |
book | |
health | |
non-fiction |