Hitman Absolution Radio Broadcast Transcripts
by zachaquack1987
Intro
I was always curious about what was coming out of our favorite distraction
weapon: the Radio. This is a work of my own hand and time.
Here are the transcripts of the broadcasts and the levels where you will first
hear them.
Note: Some broadcasts show up in other levels too.
Comments and additional entries welcome.
Here they are:
A Personal Contract
Newscaster: ...in other news, the weapons industry giant, Stallion Armaments,
chose a new CEO today at a closed shareholder meeting. Last year the old CEO,
Richard Strong, was scandallously shot and killed during a rooftop party at the
Carrington Hotel by an unknown assassin. Stallion Armaments will disclose the
identity of the new sucessor later this week. And now the weather...
Hotel Terminus
Newscaster: The gang war, triggered by the sudden death of the self-proclaimed
King of Chinatown, peaked this morning when seven bodies were discovered in a
warehouse by the docks. At a press conference earlier today, William Falkner
of the CPD expressed his concern that the violence will only excalate further
as rivaling gang lords continue to struggle to claim the vacant seat of power.
And now here are the music charts with your host Andy Crystaretti.
Upper Floors
-Announcer: You probably know that nine out of ten gun-related incidents occur
in the home. But did you also know that six out of those nine times, the gun
was made by Dexter Industries? That's right, Dexter Industries has come a long
way. From our humble beginnings making concealed boot sole switchblades,
Dexter Industries has evolved into one of the leading weapons manufacturers in
the country, and a pillar to the community of Hope where it all began. We
employ sixty-one percent of the local adult population, build schools and
hospitals, and support cultural initatives all in order to give something back
to the town that gave us so much. Creation or destruction, building or
demolishing. Yes sir, at Dexter industries we've got it all. Send in your job
application now.
Dexter Industries; Building a more high-powered tomorrow.
-Announcer: Success, Fame, Fortune? Has it suddenly lost all meaning? Do you
feel like Alexander The Great -weeping because there are no more worlds left to
conquer? Don't worry! We can help!
Winners Guilt, Quarterlife Crisis, Fast Lane Syndrome, Buyer's Remorse, or
Shoppaholicism.
at Dr. Greg Weismuller's coaching and therapy seminars, noone judges you. Sign
up now and get fifty percent on our annual yoga and meditation retreat in Big
Sur, California.
Run For Your Life
-Julian: ...okay, thank you Amy and up next is long time listener Gabriel.
What's up man? Still seeing things that aren't really there heh heh?
-Gabriel: Oh my God Julian! Julian, I am, I am standing outside the Hotel
Terminus and the whole thing, it-it's just gone up in flames man, I-I kid you
not! There...there...oh...oh... There-there's a dude crawling down the back of
a fire escape now a-and he's got a guitar on his back. A-and then there's
another guy. He-he's throwing shoe boxes out of the window, the seventh floor
window it-it's so hot here man!
-Julian: Heh okay, thank you Gabriel, and please buddy do _not_ lay off the
meds alright man? heh heh, ahem. We'll take a short break, but stay tuned for
more of 'Up Late With Julian' yeah...
Shangri-La
-Announcer: ...The Third Eye is back. We've got pleasure to host Jackson
DeLong, author of 'The Hitlist Conspiracy.' Jackson, now in your book you
mention (BEEP) banking quite a few times.
-Jackson: What most people are not aware of, and the powers that be would
prefer it that way, is that Vice President Morris; a man loved and admired by
many, DEAD, Alexander Caine; former FBI director and a permenant member of the
Builderburg Group, VERY DEAD. Start asking the right questions and suddenly all
three appear as best buddies. I have records in my possession, which will be
made public if anything happens to me, where all three are connected through
off-shore accounts and front businesses that make the Cosa Nostra look like
kids playing Monopoly...
-Announcer: Those are serious allegations. It's not something the average
Amarican can easily digest. I want to get back to the Morris death, but first,
Zoey will play some tunes for us...
-Announcer: ...we're back with more Third Eye, we've got Jackson DeLong with
us. Jackson this hitlist conspiracy, what would the implications be for Joe and
Jane Average?
-Jackson: Want to know the scarest thing David? That crimelord who just bought
the farm? The so-called King of Chinatown? He was Delgato's main buyer. Not
just here, but globally. Former FBI director Alexander Caine himself. Now, if
this is a coincidence, I'm prince feakin' charming.
-Announcer: I'm told by our producer Tim we need to take a short break for
commercial, and we'll be right back with Jackson DeLong.
Hunter and Hunted
-Narrator: What abominable horrors and unmentionable monstrosities await in...
STORIES FROM THE DUNGEON!
Episode 14: The Case of the Disappearing Servants;
Two o'clock in the morning, and it was dark in the mansion. Only Jarvis, the
newest servant, remained awake in the kitchen making himself a vegamite
sandwitch. He was young and quite rude. and many of the older servents warned
him not to talk around Lord Pickman. But, the young lad just couldn't keep his
mouth shut. That same evening, he had been commenting that a briny odor
remained in the air whenever Lord Pickman shuffled through. Not to mention his
patracian visage and translucent skin...
-Narrator: What abominable horrors and unmentionable monstrosities await in...
STORIES FROM THE DUNGEON!
Episode 14
Presently, he was enjoying his sandwitch, when a rustle came from the library,
that most loathsome of rooms full of forbidden tomes. Curious and dim, he
walked in thinking it was one of the maids...but, there was noone there. Still,
the rustle persisted. He located the rustle behind the curtins of the french
windows. He slowly crept towards them, oblivious of the unfathomable perversion
that hid behind them in wait.
-Narrator: What abominable horrors and unmentionable monstrosities await in...
STORIES FROM THE DUNGEON!
Episode 14
He went closer and closer. And the monster's mouth grew bigger and bigger.
Revealing row, after row of sharklike teeth, and onyx tentacles. Jarvis's hand
pulled the curtin's away...
The next morning, Jarvis, was nowhere to be found. The older servants, however,
noticed that Lord Pickman's belly was curiously distended and how the briny
oder was stronger than usual. They shrugged, and solemly decided to put up and
advertisement for a new servant.
Streets of Hope
-Brady: So, the Hope fair is coming up this weekend and we have Haley from city
council with us to tell a little bit about what's in store. What you got for us
Haley?
-Haley: Well Brady, this year everyone is talking about the chili cookoff. We
have a free signup, and the lucky guy or gal who makes the most firey sauce
wins a brand new SUV compliments of Dexter Industries. Oh and uh uh, let's see.
You can, oh, you can challenge none other than Sanchez, oooo the Mexican
Mountain, to a game of Powerball. We have a traveling Circus, and of course
Glen McReady is playing songs from his new album 'School of Life,' and yeah,
it's gonna be fun for the whole family.
-Brady: Sounds like a riot Haley, see you at the punchbowl this is Brady Levine
with 'Hope News'...
R&D
Alright, you know what time it is baby! It's time for the Iron Cage, oh yeah!
And this is your host, Mark St.Pucker, bringing you the world of mixed martial
arts. Boy, do I have news for you today. I am, ha ha ha, I'm so pumped up man!
Whoo! It made my day when I read it and I'm willing to bet good money, it's
gonna make your day sooo much better. Well, let's go to some advertisements and
we'll be right back.
Alright, you know what time it is baby! It's time for the Iron Cage, oh yeah!
It seems you can teach an old dog, new tricks. Oh yeah. I'm talking Jessie
Rollen: the Light Heavyweight, Muay Thai, Juno man. Yeah, he has been a breath
of fresh air in a sport that, you know, come on, let's face it folks, has been
relying time and again on familiar faces, the same old faces again and again.
They pull them in to pull the putz and...w-who've we got, the regulars?
Brazilian Monster Carlos Bianchi, the wild Simon Unger, wow, we got William
Detwa. Hell, even Ronnie "The Storm" Lee. And tell us what went through your
mind when you heard the news. Alright, backup lay us some tunes and we'll be
right back.
-Alright, you know what time it is baby! It's time for the Iron Cage, oh yeah!
Okay, here it goes! You ready for this? Here we go! Hang it on, I'm getting
tingly here in the booth talking about this! Alright, who won his last five
submission conference matches with knock outs, all of them before the third
round?
-Damien Simper's too big a fighter for this shit! Seriously, who the fuck is
Jessie Rollen? I saw him during the Jacquenenko-Jematta fight car. Oh he
knocked McGowen out, big fuckin' deal. I do kickboxing and I can knock McGowen
out. Any true fan knows McGowen is slow.
-Let's go to some advertisements and we'll be right back.
Skurky's Law
Here's your daily hourly dose of Batsas Hope News on 96.1! Today it was
announced by the FBI that the district court judge the Honorable D.H.
Strictland is being questioned in connection to his alleged involvement in the
recent bribe scandal. This is not Judge Strictland's first brush with the FBI.
Last year he was put under investigation for the lack of professional judgement
he exhibited on numerous cases, including worker compensation claims against
Dexter's Industries, and repeadedly acquitting the offender James Seth Lynch,
later found to be a cousin of Strictland. While no charges were ever pressed
against him, his reputation has been tarnished despite the fact he is widely
considered by his peers to be an otherwise conservative and deeply religous
man. Judge Strictland has been unavailable for comment. This was your daily
hourly dose of Batsas Hope News on 96.1. Next update, coming up in an hour.
Blackwater Park
Turning to weather. The recent downpour will clear up within the hour in the
Chicago area. Currently fourty-seven degrees, forcasting the high of...get
this, sixty-five later this night. Humidity levels will begin to rise, and
with heavy fog as a result, commuters should be advised that visibility will be
down to a bare minimum. So, watch out. Oh, you can't, ha ha. This is Natalie
Griffith and this was a WUNB update. Next up, Ethens Malonus gives us an
insight on the economy. Take it away Ethens.
