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Something Has to Change
March 31st, 2021
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I am taking this little moment as a breath, as a pause. A
fermata in the pulse of ticking time.
I am tired. It took me too long to realize just how tired I
am. Tired from the politics of work, from equipment that I
thought reliable but failed, from dealing with other
people's problems, from the state of the world the past few
years.
There is a weight to this tiredness that is infinite and
intangible.
Part of this weight is a choice, because anyone who is ever
tired has a choice. Sometimes these choices are poor, but
we should recognize that we still have them.
I can make a choice to change my mental state, my physical
state, the rhythms of my own life.
I need to spell this out clearly for myself because I get
stuck in mental ruts with negative thoughts which breed more
negative thoughts.
The sort of thoughts that keep me from doing what I love.
Thoughts that lock me in and reinforce the rut that I find
myself in.
I am lucky in that I have moments where I become
"extra-vagrant"; I glimpse myself from a third eye detached
from my body. And I see a sine wave from bliss to
suffering, over and over, postive to negative to positive, a
line drawn over time.
A line that I can easily trace with my thumb from my notes,
from my feelings, from the pictures and memories that I have
collected over my life.
If you're reading this and find yourself tired just as I am,
I hope that you also possess "extra-vagrant" abilities, or a
journal, or friends that help you see the rut.
It's easy to accept the line as-is. Especially to let the
weight press you down without helping hands to lift it.
But I can make a change. Change is anything but the
tiredness and weight that I feel now.
How can I be so sure I can make that change, you ask?
Because I know that a fermata is not the final pause, but
anticipatory to something new.
