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Stardate: 20230915.0201 | |
Location: The Lab | |
Input Device: Alienware Alpha R1 | |
Audio: Fan | |
Visual: nano | |
Emotional: here. | |
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Things have been pretty quiet on my end lately in gopherspace and | |
other online haunts. I have not been feeling too motivated in | |
participating or showing up much. I have been a bit stuck. | |
Since I have been on leave since I tore my achilles, I have been | |
taking it slow. Some times so slow that I feel stuck for days. Back | |
in the cave, consumed by helplessness and hopelessness and just | |
passing time, not being productive, staring off into space, staying | |
up late, sleeping in late, watching bad tv...I did revisit some old | |
depressing favorites, like The Deer Hunter and Leaving Las Vegas. | |
I also spent some time in SDF Minecraft-land, which can be a good | |
distraction and trick me into feeling "productive," even though now's | |
not the time to be productive...but society says I need to be | |
productive...duty now for the future, HA! | |
It has been said that at first, sitting in your shit can be warm | |
and comfortable. And familiar. After sitting there awhile, the shit | |
gets cold and starts to stink. Eventually, it becomes really | |
uncomfortable and you have to do something about it. I am not quite | |
out of it, but I do see some forward movement. | |
There has been some activity on my end recently, mostly dealing with | |
and processing the consequences of recent months and my part in it, | |
as well as more being revealed about my "shadow self," not by | |
actively looking for anything or questioning, but just by being | |
present. For some reason, the insights seem to come when I least | |
expect it. I realized that part of the processing required of me was | |
to revisit the cave and stay and just be there, broken and in pieces. | |
Having a torn achilles helped me to not worry so much about being | |
there. | |
Without getting into too much detail, there are parts of me that | |
have been uncovered and are hard to look at. Even though it sucks, | |
as it usually does when shadow stuff becomes uncovered, I can't help | |
but not see it anymore. For me to ignore or deflect or place blame | |
would be doing my self a dis-service. I think that since I am aware | |
of them now, I am closer to becoming accepting of these parts of me. | |
Sorry if this phost sounds confusing or cryptic, but I don't think I | |
am at the point yet of having words to really express much. I | |
figured that I should at least try writing something. That is all | |
for now. | |
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