i---------------------------------------- | |
iMortality | |
iFebruary 27th, 2018 | |
i---------------------------------------- | |
i | |
iMy phone rings. Mom's face stares up at me. I hesitate. | |
i | |
iDad's been sick, the kind you don't get better from. It's too soon | |
ifor this to be the call, right? | |
i | |
iI breathe. | |
i | |
i"Hello?" I cringe. | |
i | |
i"Hey." It's my dad's voice. Why is it dad's voice? He hasn't | |
icalled in a year. Mom makes the calls and he jumps on the line. Is | |
imom okay? What are we going to do if mom goes first? | |
i | |
i"Hey there. What's going on?" Don't say it... | |
i | |
iHe struggles to get his voice to go. It's not quite a wheeze or | |
ia cough, more like priming an engine. A few false starts, pulls at | |
ithat motor, and finally he gets it. | |
i | |
i"Can't get anything to load on Google. TurboTax deal expires | |
itomorrow." | |
i | |
iComputer trouble, thank God. I used to dread these calls from my | |
iparents when I was younger. Glorified tech support for the family. | |
iNow it's a relief. It's a chance to talk with him, to have | |
ia subject that isn't the illness, or politics where there is no | |
imiddle ground. It's something I can help him with. He'll take | |
ipride in my knowing the answer. | |
i | |
i"Do you have Teamviewer installed still?" | |
i | |
iSilence on the line. Is he there? I think I can hear him still, | |
ibut he's not answering. He did this when I was young and he was | |
iannoyed with explaining things ad naseum. He'd remain silent and | |
iwork on something and let me watch, figure it out myself. Is this | |
ithat? Is he silent on purpose? | |
i | |
i"Dad, you there?" | |
i | |
i"Yeh," it's almost a word, almost a cough. He can hear me, but | |
ihe's not answering. The sickness? | |
i | |
i"Do you still have that program I installed last time I was there? | |
iThe one that lets me control your machine and see what you see?" | |
i | |
iSilence. | |
i | |
iPatience. This, this is the good stuff left to us. I tell myself | |
inot to get frustrated, not to get angry. Don't waste it. | |
i | |
iWe go back and forth like that until I'm miles past where | |
iI thought my fuse would end. It is frustrating, but I'm not | |
iletting myself be frustrated. | |
i | |
iMom can help, I think. She can interpret what he's doing, give it | |
ivoice. If I can just see what he's looking at-- | |
i | |
iI text mom: | |
i | |
i Is dad working on the computer? He's not saying anything when | |
i I ask questions? | |
i | |
iA moment later she's over dad's shoulder reading him my text. | |
iCringe. Well, maybe he'll answer. | |
i | |
i"I'm here." he says, and I wish it were true. |