"Be occupied. Do not lie in bed brooding. Be occupied calmly, not
feverishly trying to forget yourself."
-- "Hope and Help for Your Nerves" (Claire Weekes)
In 1962, Claire Weekes wrote what is arguably still one of the best
books on recovering from nervous illness. In it, she recommends
that those suffering from nervous illness begin "light occupation"
as soon as possible, so that they can keep their minds focused on
something other than what is going on in their minds or bodies
(thus giving the nervous system the room it needs to "cool off.")
As part of recovering from my current relapse, I've started to
occupy myself a bit with a personal Python project. Given that just
a couple of weeks ago it was difficult for me to string sentences
together, I'm feeling good about how this is feeling so far.
Yesterday, while working on it, I experienced some familiar
sensations -- tension, elevated heart rate, and a general
"adrenaline rush" sort of feeling. For the last decade or so, this
is pretty much always how I feel when I'm working on software
development, or really any personal deliverable for work.
I found myself wondering whether it was even possible for me to
work on a programming project "calmly, not feverishly trying to
forget myself."
I tried to think of a time when it wasn't like this. I remembered
making games for ZZT[0] when I was 10 or so. I was ostensibly
writing a lot of something that looked like Smalltalk, and I was
excited about it, but I distinctly remember feeling very relaxed
and at ease while doing it.
So what changed?
A singular memory leapt out at me. It was from my first job,
working as a dishwasher in a relative's restaurant. I was 15. When
I first started, I was a bit on the slow side. When I realized they
valued speed, I gave them speed. I became so fast and worked so
hard that many of the staff would call me "The Animal Steel."
It's easy to presume that "the software industry" did this to me,
but I was surprised to realize that this habit of working
feverishly started much earlier than that. And it's not a
universally bad habit, at that; it did a lot for my success in
school and in my career. However, I think it is bad to for this
"need for speed" to be so hardwired that it involuntarily presents
itself in places like personal projects that are done for pleasure,
or at least for "calm occupation."
Today, I sat down at my editor with the intention to work calmly.
Surprisingly, it was not so difficult. I caught myself starting to
"race" a few times, but by the end of a 2-hour session I felt
physically largely the same as when I had started. I accomplished a
fair amount. And I was a bit chuffed with myself, to boot.
I don't know what the future of work will hold for me, but I'd like
for this to be a lesson that I can carry forward. Certainly there
are times when we must work feverishly, but certainly not
everything requires this. Can I bring a "calm occupation" to bear
by default?
Do you?
[0]
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ZZT
