In 2015, I began experiencing "mental health issues." These showed up
as very physical symptoms. After being tossed around the medical
system for two months, I was eventually diagnosed with "anxiety" and
taught cognitive behavioural therapy. I largely recovered, and lived
my life happily.
In 2019, I went through a very stressful life experience and
"relapsed." This time the illness showed up as chronic pain. I
learned a ton -- Internal Family Systems, somatic tracking and
experiencing (from the TMS wiki) and generally learned a huge amount
about myself and how stress was making these things happen in my
body. After the pain disappeared, I experienced intense panic/anxiety
symptoms for months afterwards. I recovered, and lived my life
happily, although there were speed bumps.
Last month, I relapsed again. I won't go into the details, but it has
been very challenging. I am not "out" yet, and I am not putting a
timeline on when I might be "out."
I have certain things that draw me in when I am recovering from
nervous illness. One of the most shocking things about a relapse is
that it usually pulls me violently out of society. I lose touch with
work, with friends, with what it even means to be happy. I go from
integrated to isolated, very quickly.
In times like this, things like the news, social media, or even just
the world wide web are overwhelming. They are unfathomable; it's like
going from solitary confinement into Times Square on New Year's Eve.
So, one thing I tend I tend to find myself doing during recovery is
seeking out neighbourhoods on the internet that are small and
comforting. Usually, this means I end up on some BBS or MUD that I've
always wanted to try. Last week, I found myself logging into an Amiga
BBS that I'd had on my "to check out" list for months. It has been a
joy, and I'll write about it more another time.
I'm not quite sure what I saw on that BBS that reminded me of gopher,
but something did. gopher has been on my "to check out" list for much
longer than months. I first meant to learn more about gopher in 2001,
and never took any strides to do so. And now here I am.
I've had an indescribable feeling going through the SDF phlogs. Part
of that feeling, though, is relief. And that's a sensation that I
welcome right now.
