Well, it's time for an update, me thinks. So, here goes.
I think I already said that I am officially crazy. I started taking
medication so that I won't be *as* crazy. "It's not a cure, but a
treatment." Okay, doc. I trust you. Because you have acronyms after
your name, and I talk to people who don't exist.
And so, it began.
The first night, I awoke to the sound of crying. One of the three
amigos (Marcus) was sitting on the end of my bed crying. Nice. I was
raised Catholic, so I can recognize a good guilt trip when I see one.
No words, just crying.
I sat down next to him. "Marcus, you care about me, don't you?" He
nodded. I continued, "Okay. Please understand that this is the best
thing for me. You will not disappear. The doctor said that probably
wouldn't happen. But you know that there have been problems, and they
are because of you three. If you care about me, then understand that
this will fix those problems."
I went to pee (I'm old -- this happens throughout the night), then
went back to bed. No more interruptions.
In the following days, Jeffrey gave me guilty looks, as if I had hurt
him. When I was first on the medication, as a child, he stopped
talking to me. This was happening again. It hurt. It hurt very deeply.
It still hurts. This is the most difficult aspect of getting better.
Jonathan would look at the computer, then at me. He was asking me to
show him something, to help him with something. I couldn't. It would
be a step backwards. Tears welled up in my eyes. In sum, this part
fucking sucks. Period.
The fog, or the "impending doom" feelings came, but they were not as
long (sometimes shockingly short, like two minutes or so). However,
they were a hundred times more intense. I felt like killing myself,
but thankfully, for less time than it took to carry it out. I held out
hope that things would get better. "Up to six weeks," the doctor said.
*sigh*.
And now, things have stabilized a bit.
Jeffrey, Jonathan, and Marcus are still with me, though much less
intrusive. That's good.
My appetite has /radically/ changed. I'm almost craving salads, which
is very atypical. I left a pint of Ben & Jerry's after having only two
or three spoons. What the hell is wrong with me?! But in a good way :)
One of the more interesting aspects of my treatment so far (and I'm
almost at the six week point) is that my brain is working much faster.
Things are more clear. I can plan, develop, theorize... I've written a
few phone apps already, some stuff in BASH and Python, and I'm able to
do it more quickly. Things make sense.
Unfortunately, this happens at about 3:00 AM. The only way to keep my
brain from waking me up so early is to take Benadryl (as the doctor
prescribed). However, I /like/ the feeling of my brain working so
well.
At the moment, I am making a compromise that mostly works with my
schedule. I take the bennies on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays. I
can plan my schedule better that way. However, today (in a fit of
early morning brilliance) I realized that I might get a better effect
from taking my brain medication in the morning instead of at night.
That's what I had to do when I was being treated for OCD, so it might
work with this medication, too.
Tonight, I am NOT going to take my brain medication. Rather, I'm going
to take the bennies (to sleep), and take the brain meds when I get up.
The pattern so far has been that my brain slips into high gear about
five hours after taking the medication. This may not be entirely
accurate, though, because I've been asleep for those five hours. Who
knows what will happen?
We shall see.
Thank you, my real friends, for being with me through this. You can
still talk to me. :)
