I've always been fascinated by crazy people. I think part of it has
to do with my own life being always on the edge, just inches away
from the chasm of insanity.
For example, Syd Barrett. Brilliant musician, no doubt. Of course,
his insanity is believed to have been drug-induced. I've always loved
listening to his music, all the early Floyd stuff. Some of his later
stuff has been released, and it's fairly bizarre.
As a kid, listening to his music, I wondered what pushed him over the
edge (it was later that I learned about the drug situation). For him,
it wasn't really a casual descent, but a sudden fall.
Friends and family have always known that my thinking is... outside
the box. Off. Left of centre. Out there. I have seen it as a gift
that has given me creativity in thinking and problem solving.
Recently, I've been questioning my foothold on sanity. And for good
reason. Friends have noticed that I've held conversations with people
who simply aren't there. At least not to them. Some of the people
with whom I've had these conversations are people I've "known" for
many years. Since childhood. And so, this has caused me to question
their very existence. And thus, my sanity from very early on. The
increase in symptoms is fairly recent, which means I've been
functioning for a long time (I'm over 50 years old) on slightly
damaged goods.
Which brings me, in this story, to yesterday. I visited with three
friends down in Hollywood. I met them there and we decided to have
lunch, which went well. After lunch, we went to a small mall with a
theatre to take in a movie. My friends left me to watch our table
outside while they bought the movie tickets. I remember feeling
something was odd, something changing, like an impending doom
feeling. The next thing I can remember is my friends asking if I was
feeling better now.
I have no memory of the events in between, but according to them,
when they returned to the table they found me in a rather confused
state. They talked with me for a while, and then, rather suddenly, I
was okay.
I think part of the problem was that I was left alone. Something
about that feeling of impending doom, I think, had to do with being
left alone. And yet, there are other times that I feel fine when I'm
alone.
I just hope the Piper at the Gates of Dawn saves a seat for me.
