Stardate: 20230725.xxxx
Location: Charles de Gaulle Airport
Input Device: Gemini PDA
Audio: Some guy facetiming a baby making baby noises.
Visual: International travellers
Emotional: mild travel anxiety
Was sitting at the terminal and now I am on the plane. I don't like
dealing with the airport, even if I should have priority since I am
on crutches, although, not really. We had to stand at the gate
waiting for assistance, which took some time. My wife was definitely
not happy. Me, I tried not to go there.
This morning, my wife has not really been talking to me. Perhaps it
is better this way so there will be no incident between us. It just
sucks as it has been over the past year. Since her brother was there
with his family, she had no reason to interact with me. I think it
might be this way for awhile.
We keep going throught this cycle of her getting mad at me and me
being put in the dog house. Stuff between us does not get processed
or discussed and they just get pushed aside and ignored. When I do
bring things to light, I get sent to the dog house because she does
not want to look at these things.
Sometimes, I need to talk about things, but she does not. I end
up calling a friend and talking about it. I wish I could talk about
things with her. I don't think we can right now.
I have switched devices and I am gonna hafta stitch entries sometime
later on. Thumb-typing on the Gemini. Keyboard is wide so it is a
bit cumbersome. OK enough of that nonsense.
So yeah, things sux0rz right now. Well, I am fine with just myself.
Things sux0rz when I'm with the SO. I sense that she does not want
to have anything to do with me. So I say nothing and stay away.
I think I need to review the notes I made regarding the happening.
They are scattered and I need to put them in one place.
STARDATE:20230725.0833 PDT
I switched the date on the Gemini so I am back on PDT. Still got a
ways until LAX. Current ETA: 1549.
/*
OK, I am continuing my story from the 21st. We were walking down
the red carpet.
When we reached the front doorway, we could go to the left or the
right to look at things. A wine cellar and a kitchen, I think.
I did not want to enter either since there were people there, but I
went anyways. There were old things to look at in either room, but I
just wanted to find a corner to stare at. I definitely did not want
to talk to anybody or make eye contact. My wife was wondering why I
was being like that.
Then we went further inside. It might have even been upstairs.
I cannot remember. We went to these rooms where everybody was drinking
and having hors d'ouvres. The rooms were very ornate with carved
fixtures on all of the walls and ceiling, which also had Paintings/murals.
There was a PA system set up with classical music that I thought was a
recording. Well, it kinda was. There was pre-recorded music with
2 violinists playing on top of the recording with their violins plugged
into the PA system. Again, I was not socializing and just trying to survive.
We were then led to an outside garden with labyrinth and some kind or horse
show. I could not look and the music was so loud that I covered my ears.
It looked like dinner was at the large greenhouse, but I had to leave.
I think I told my wife that I had to leave so I left and kept walking,
past the PA, past the rooms, past the front doors, past the horses and
carriages, down the red carpet, past the people, past the gates, down the
driveway walking very fast. I heard my name but I did not stop. I kept
walking, in full on, Fuck Everything And Run (walk(FEAR)) mode. It was out of
control and I kept going even though my name was being called. I did
not care that I was in a country I had never been to or didn't speak the
language, I just needed OUT!
STARDATE: 20230725.1236 PDT
As I got past the parking lot and further down the driveway, I kept
hearing my name and so the harder I walked. I think my wife caught up
with me and I think there might have been some other people, but I
did not know and did not want to be with people. THe more they tried
to talk to me, the harder I walked. Finally, I fell down. I felt a
pop in the back of my leg and I went down. I thought someone tripped me.
I fell in the dirt and was in pain. I still struggled to get away, but
I think my wife and someone else was holding me down. They asked if I
could get up, but I could not. It was painful. They told me not to move
and were calling an ambulance. I waited in the dirt.
Eventually, the ambulance arrived and the paramedics spoke limited English.
I did not want to look at anybody. They asked me for some info and ID.
I'm just like, WTF JUST HAPPENED? They took me to a hospital in Lisbon.
The hospital took forever, which I was expecting. I sat in a wheelchair
most of the time. They took x-rays and the doctor assured me that it
was not broken. I didn't think it was, but I still did not know how bad
my leg was. I tried translating the paperwork online, but all it basically
said was that there was pain in my ankle. Not very descriptive.
They released me around midnight and we drove to a pharmacy for meds
and crutches. The Company had provided a driver and my wife and some
of their people were there as well.
We got back to the hotel, I ate a veggie wrap that they bought me and did some
online searches regarding the meds I was prescribed since the packaging
was in Portugese. 2 of them were muscle relaxants and the other was an
anti-inflammatory.
Packed my things, changed to travel clothes, then went to sleep.
*/
STARDATE: 20230725.1513 PDT
Getting closer. We have less than one hour of flight time left.
So why did the freak out happen? This was something that was not
intentional. I think this was something that needed to happen, even
if it was not good. I think there were many factors that influenced
this happening. Jet lag, time zones, fatigue, back to back activities,
stress of being around sales people, social anxiety, stress of making
my wife look bad, rejection, etc...and that was just the immediate
concerns. There were also longer-term issues at play. My wife has not
been available for quite some time now, the in-n-out-laws, my space
being occupied, work stress, there could be so many other reasons.
Whatever the reason, I don't think it is a single issue. I guess what
matters is that the happenings have come to pass and we went through it.
I'm not sure what is up ahead or if I'm ok but not really ok, but just
on the surface. Or maybe I just need more time to get rested and get
well so I can process...who knows.
STARDATE: 20230725.2316 PDT
I'm not really sure what to think about all of this. I don't know if
I should be spending so much time ruminating. Is there something here
that I need to look at or is this something that should just remain
unexamined? This was a major mental and physical incident for me and
I am concerned with any kind of recurrence. It is not good to lose
control like that, especially with the consequences and the problems
I caused for my wife and her work. This feels like some kind of
regression with how things used to be. Maybe I am more fragile than
I thought I was.
Yesterday, I took a cab in the rain to meet some friends in the 9th
Arrondisment in Paris. Wife was off with her brother and his family.
I think she was tired of having to deal with me and my challenges with
mobility. I shared with my friends what had happened in Portugal.
They were kind and sympathetic.
Being with the in-n-out laws over the past several months (they
occupied my house for 47 days and speak limited English), being
with the people I work with, being with my wife and the sales people
in Portugal, and being with my wife and my brother-in-law's family
(who also speak limited English) in Paris brings about feelings of
unbelonging, rejection, dejection. I feel like I should not be here and
my presence is not wanted. I just show up because that is what I am
"supposed to do." I don't put much effort into participating anymore
since it seems to eventually bring up issues or irritation. There is a
feeling of displacement as well. I am not sure if these are just temporary
feelings or something that needs to be attended to or if I am
supposed to show up like I do and have the feelings that I have.
Maybe that is why I ran.
