I've decided I'll finally start writing this blog. This will work as some
sort of self-documenting for my boring and pointless life.
Today has been a boring day like no other, I've been trying to indulge in
small things that bring me joy. But joy at the end of the day achieves
little to nothing, distracts me from real life in most cases.
As for the things that bring me joy, they might qualify as dumb, silly,
stupid, _pointless_. Isn't that the idea in the end? Anyways, I tend to
like to bait random anons into talking to me, posing as a horny girl in
random IRC chats, and getting the joy of seeing how people get mad at me
for not acting as they expect me to. Is fun, although not for so long, I
try to limit my time doing so because yeah, it gets boring, even too
boring for me.
Doing these kind of things has brought me useful stuff _sometimes_ though.
Like good recommendations for comics or stories, I like consuming these
sometimes, they help me develop my own.
I don't know if I'll ever find the answer to mend this eternal feel of
dread or why I feel like everything is pointless, I've even been to
therapy and that didn't help me much besides knowing I'm on the autism
spectrum. It has helped me know why was I born this way, but I don't
understand what to do with it now; I mean I have a reason for my behavior
now, but I can't do shit with it. So there's not much point into it
anymore. I overcame a lot of difficulties I had in te past, such as being
overly attached to people, needing people to be around me all the time to
feel secure. But new problems will arise everytime, and I'm in front of a
problem I'm not sure if it'll be resolved.
I've went to therapy as I said, even asked chatbots about it, read
thousands of possible solutions people have given to it, still nothing;
not even close to what might be the answer for me. I'm aware that I need
to find the answer myself, but I've got no good guidance towards it yet.
I've also tried a lot of things and they don't serve as much help so far,
I don't think I've given up on trying either, but so far I think is better
to focus on... writing.
Writing my silly stupid dumb useless thoughts? Is the only thing I'm able
to do at the moment. I have no desire nor will to work on anything else
but this. I'm not even sure if this mindset will change over time, as I
keep working in this website, but I'm a little hopeful. I don't really
care if barely nobody ends up reading it, I just want to scream into the
void.
20:23
Two hours have passed, I have some more yapping to do.
There's no way you can clone someone's mind. You can't become exactly like
another person either. You can try to be as close to that person as you
possibly could, though.
It doesn't matter how many goals or desires to live I put upon myself, I
still don't find them fullfiling and I feel like I do them out of
survival, out of keeping myself entertained. I build a ton of ideas in my
mind but I never end up doing them, as I settle down with just thinking
about them and deriving some contempt from just that.
I don't also want to go back to be the dependant on others person I used
to be before, even if that position seemed very easy to be into and
effortless. I have people whom I couuld reach out, and I've tried, but the
interactions I have with them are just superficial and don't offer a sense
of taking steps into resolution. They might provide temporal relief,
company, but it doesn't get any deeper than that; and it's dissapointing.
I can proudly say that I have people in my life who are very close to me,
and I love and appreciate them very much, but of course they don't provide
fullfilment. That's normal, I'm not saying I'm not grateful or that I
don't want/need them in my life, I'm pretty sure I'd be even worset than
what I am nowadays if I didn't have them. But I'm also aware that I'm the
only one who can help themselves, it feels sad though, to think nobody can
actually help me. To think I don't have the guidance I need and I'm lost
at the end of all things.
21:46
I've been feeling sad because I don't have as much in-depth conversations
with the people I think I'd have a lot of good in-depth conversations. And
this isn't just because someone mentioned it to me today, is a feeling
that's been on my mind for a couple of days now.
Sure, sometimes there's nothing really deep to talk about with your
friends, or anyone. But when there are, I just resolve to talk about it
with myself in my mind, not even writing about it anywhere (although that
could be fixed if I actually commit to write everyday starting today) also
obviously not everyday has to be a super reflexive day or productive day
or anything. Life is slow and boring, mostly _pointless_, and I end up
just contributing to the boredom of it all in the end; by not taking
action into trying to change said path. I personally think is because
sometimes I see no desirable or purposeful outcome of said actions. I feel
a lack of will and desire to engage into those things as I stated before
in this entry, they don't bring me much joy, satisfaction, anything. Even
if they were, the amount of it is too small and short term that I end up
not caring about doing it in the end. When I do end up doing them, maybe
out of spite, I regret doing so because the outcome is not really
insightful.
Perhaps this whole lot of spitting out random thoughts and sort of
"practicing" chatting with random people in IRC chats would pay off some
day, and I'll become a better conversationist, or whatever you call that
thing. I don't really feel like using a chatbot for said purpose, it feels
like I'm not really learning how to converse at all.
0:14
At this time my brain stops functioning, usually I start getting random
itches to scrath my inner mouth or any part of my skin, is like my whole
body itches and it feels awful. It'd be better if I go to sleep, but 99% I
refuse to do so. For some reason I like struggling, I like feeling like
there's some tiny bit extra of effort to keep me sitting here, with my
whole body itching and pleading for me to get in a better position or just
lie down. As I purposely ignore that and keep struggling forever.
I didn't ask to be born, yet I am here, I have almost nothing to do with
my time, so I've just set my goal to be writing until I can't write
anymore; if I end up growing old and with some awful illness like
Alzheimer's, at least I'll have something to look backwards to, at least I
was present in some moment in time within the mind of someone. My thoughts
were inside the mind of someone, even for a small fraction of time, even
the journals and entries I've only been able to read myself.
I also hope my writing improves with time, I feel like I'm very rusty when
it comes to this, and I need to consume more, books? fanficions would be
something nice to start off with, or even manga.
1:22
The struggle increases with time, thoughts become more and more rarted,
unorganized, and faster. The control I tend to have over irrational and
intrusive thoughts starts failing slowly, at this point the feelings take
over; but not enough to prompt me to do something anyways.
In the past, I've misdiagnosed myself with DID, and it made me make a lot
of awful and stupid decisions; despite that, I've come to the conclusion
that my brain must function in a similar way, in the sense that I keep
using different personas for each situation. I have a lot of
special-tailored personalities for different situations I've faced before.
It is an improved version of what I've been calling 'headspace' for a long
time now. It started at just a bunch of autistic stories where I'd mix and
crossover a bunch of stuff that I liked at the time (and some of them I
still do). Stories where I'd self insert and make me the most powerful
entity there, then it'd diverge into just fantasies I'd dream of having in
real life; some of them being made into actual fanfiction I used to write
then. Then, as it is nowadays, just a way for my brain to cope with real
life circumstances, I guess is normal? even working on this "goal" of
writing everyday as much as I'm able to might count as coping. The truth
is that I don't have anyone to yap this much with, sure the people who are
my closest friends would love to listen, but pay mind that this whole
entry was thoughts I had progressively during the day. And they don't have
the time to listen me yap everytime, I need to show care for them too
y'know?
