Shit. The anxiety is back. Took a train ride yesterday. The sound
seemed so loud. Someone brought a screaming young human onboard.
At the mall I could feel my skin sort of prickly, like having
low electric current run through my arms. Today feeling deflated
and out of breath. Been sleeping horribly and felt like my chest
is being constricted when in bed. Also feeling itchy and my face
feels hot.
I think it must be because I have come to a hard limit with
processing whatever it was that happened with my break up. I can't
really tell anyone the whole story. Everyone I could open up to
is somehow involved too much, or would not be able to contain the
story, or telling them would not be fair since they are friends
with both sides.
I also contemplated on writing a long mail to my ex, letting her
hear the whole story, but I don't really know what would be the
point in that, considering she has clamped on to a world view
where there is no space for hearing my side. I don't want to give
her more material for her story of me. On top of that I still
feel like I don't really know how serious her suicidal thoughts
were, and this unknowing is keeping me from really just
giving it to her raw. So in that sense I feel like her narrative
is still controlling me. That suicide threat was really like a
lid on a pressure cooker for me. From that day I was always
watchful of what I say. Like she was some fragile thing that could
just dissolve at any point. At the same time, the pressure in
me was slowly growing.
And even now, I am techically free of her influence, but at the
same time stuck and unable to go forward of backward, as there is
no proper outlet for some kind of expression of the mixture of
emotions I feel. The containment is taking so much of my energy.
That's the anxiety. It's the act of trying to control it. Keep the
outside out and the inside in. I have really worked hard to not
make waves. I have just absorbed it all. I feel full of it. There
is that line about when your partner or someone close to you has
died, that since they are gone, you are unable to clear anything
bad between you. It feels like that to me, sort of. Since she has
put herself to the position potentially killing herself, I can't
clear the bad air with her, since I can't know she won't kill
herself. I think this is the worst grudge I have with her. She
killed the relationship with that threat. I am almost sure she
didn't mean it but I can't ever know. I never realised it
properly, until after the fact, but it's like this: She was unable
to talk about emotions as emotions, so she always said them in
some story form. What I mean is that she wouldn't say "I feel
depressed and uncertain of the future" but instead she said
"Why did you bring me into this country". The formula always had
to include someone who "did something". It was never that there
is a feeling, and it needs to be seen and dealt with. So, she
would say these cruel things and they just stay with me. Most
often I am the person "responsible" for her negative feelings.
Or the lack of positive feelings. It seems there was a lot I
didn't understand while I was inside all of it.
I feel this ball of energy moving through my body. It's rage.
It moves from my arms into my spine and up to my forehead. When
I feel it in public I tap my fingers against each other to keep
myself focused on the activity and not the feeling. I really
don't want to have some meltdown in public.
And it wasn't long I ago I thought I am getting over this
episode in my life. I think it's connected to my overall stress
levels. After I survived the work bout before christmas, I
thought I can take it easier at work, but the start of this
week I got a load of unexpected jobs and been tapping away at
them the whole week without much time for reflection.
