For a long time I have considered myself mostly an artist
but of a particular kind. While I am not super comfortable
with code, I am quite good with systems. This includes
"human" systems like group dynamics. I think my point of
view, or mode of understanding of systems is mostly visual
and to some extent emotional. This means that I see
gradients of possibility and their overlap, interactions
and so on. It's like when you walk into a room and know to
stay out of certain groups of people.
Now, this system approach probably sounds very gasseous
to the sort of person who is very good with textual
systems. But I have found myself in a very awkward
position trying to work with my approach in the world
of the more regular people.
People who don't understand my point of view can
appreciate the results, and they can even see the logic
after the changes have been made, but still, it seems to
me that they have a very hard time trusting that I am
on to something when I present my ideas.
The Two Poles
As a result of my particular way of seeing, I have
gravitated back and forth between two attractors:
The science stuff and the art stuff. I can even see
that there are seasons when I am more focused on one
or the other.
It seems to me their influences are not equal, though.
When I am in the science mode, I am more prone to limiting
myself onto dead alleys. And to get out, I will need to
pull apart the walls with art.
There is also a feeling that I have to protect the
art, as if it will be spoiled by contact with the outside
world. As an example of this thinking: I went to a
school to become a graphic designer, but decided to
become a video editor instead to "protect" my hobby of
drawing and painting. It's like the fact of making it
a job would have spoiled it. Of course video editing is
an art as well, but I think it is a lot more humble role
than a graphic designer's or an illustrator's.
The Sphere of Knowledge
The gasseous systems approach to editing is that I have
learned basically all the other arts around the art of
editing. I am an illustrator, animator, screenwriter,
director and so on. Of course I can't learn all of these
to a similar degree as I have learned editing, but they
contribute to a holistic understanding of a field.
At the moment I am in a state where I don't see how I
could learn enough. Here's some of my recent studies:
1) I have learned Blender and Unity to
create simple augmented reality games.
2) I have been toying around in different
CMS's and trying to find the right one
for my particular needs. Wordpress is
too commercial, Pico might be too bare,
have to try Grav.
3) I have changed my workflow to suit my
habit of reinstalling linux all the time.
This means, I learned to make little
scripts for dmenu so that I can have
a folder of scripts that are the basis
of the functions I need in an operating
system. This means that the OS itself is
less important and changing OS doesn't
cripple my productivity.
4) I have hopes of learning enough about
indexing to get into some advanced
features of Recoll or Docfetcher or
whatever is behind these things.
The reason for this is, I want to build
an offline library that can be searched
and cross referenced in interesting ways.
5) I have an ongoing mission of trying to
get rid of the rotten services that
invade my privacy. At the moment the
biggest step for me would be to figure
out the best way to use Nextcloud.
I suppose I would like to put it on
a Pi and get a stable IP for it.
6) I am trying to learn the context of
the development around the Pinephone.
Although, I am not going to be soldering
and 3D-printing any time soon. I am
looking to use this as a phone and
figuring out how to connect it to
other devices, find out what kind
of synergies are there.
The problem with all this is, I don't have time. I have
to work too. There are responsibilities. There is a saying
that when the Sphere of Knowledge increases, the surface
area of the Unknown grows exponentially. I am sure I
butchered that one.
And the rest?
What I am after the arts and the science, I don't know.
These are my interests, but I don't know if I would call
them my identity. I suppose knowing how to solve
particular problems makes me proud in a way. The skills
might be part of my identity as an entrance fee to
society. I am not sure if I am getting enough back from
society for what I am giving, though. Also, it seems to
be a struggle just to make them see that what I have
to trade is in fact valuable.
Apparently these days a lot of the societal exchange
is concerned more with ideas rather than skills. In that
arena I find myself kind of paralyzed. I really don't know
what to think of most of the things people find
noteworthy. The best I can do is to look away, really,
because I am quite provocative if I start engaging, and
I have a feeling that everything I have ever said will
someday be used against me in a dishonest hearing. It is
like everyone is being held a hostage by whoever owns
the data.
I assume I will be voicing my opinions here more than
I have anywhere during the past ten years or so. I really
just have not had a place that seems _worthy_ of the
effort.
